To not let my mother see my daughter because she is a racist

[Nederlands]

Would love some opinions on this situation. I am going to stay as neutral as possible ( sorry for any mistakes , English is not my first language).

So I am white and have 2 daughters with a black man. My first is 8 and my 2nd 5. My eldest looks mixed , and my second looks fully black. I have don't care what their skin colour is , they are both mine.

My mother and sister on the other hand keeps making comments about my second since she was about 2. On FB ,phone , real life. Each f... time :

• She looks adopted
• You didn't get lucky the 2nd time
• Get her out of the sun she will be darker
• Can't believe she is related to us

I tried the calm approach , explaining to her that it is racist , will hurt my child's self-esteem and they will not longer see her if they carry on.

Then it happened again , so I stopped answering phone calls. My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

I am crying so much. I can't believe it. My mum and I used to be so close. But there is no way I am going to have my youngest be treated this way. My sister then texted me that our mum is old and loves X so much.

am I wrong not to feel guilty ,or should I try to compromise ?

PS: My husband says he will divorce me if this continues. So it's putting a pressure on my marriage too.

OP, you've been put in an awful position and i feel for you.
However......are you seriously saying that growing up you never heard/saw/felt your mother's racism?
Cos your sister managed to end up a carbon copy of her.....and despite hearing it from their own mouths you're still more concerned about their 'feelings'.....

She had no problem with my husband
Cos he's a grown ass man and she doesn't have the guts to take him on.....children are much easier 'targets' to take your hate out on .....

By compromise I meant having her still see the girls , and make her promise she wouldn't say anything and only under our supervision
My husband only told me recently that the comments from my family about how he could have been a basketball player , athlete were very annoying and racist in his opinion. Other than that , no
I really admire your husband's restraint!
I can assure you - he will have clocked your family's racism and attitude towards him very early on - but he chose not to bring it up unless he had to.

But it's not racist it is what it is. She looks like she has a black mother too. My mum want to see X , so keep Y at home if you want

Op. You know what to do. Stand up for your children if not for yourself.

Cut all contact. It's such an unhealthy toxic relationship by being IN contact!

But it's not racist it is what it is. She looks like she has a black mother too. My mum want to see X , so keep Y at home if you want
Ahhhhh....the old 'i'm not racist but....'

If any of my siblings said that to my husband i'd have gone nuclear on them.....but then i already know the kind of prejudice that exists in my family and don't want to hang out with them myself let alone take someone i love to meet them.

Just tell your mum that the only one who looks like the odd man out is the one squirming and uncomfortable and making comments. If she doesn’t want to be family, she can fuck off.

You are allowed to feel sad about cutting your mum and sister out. It’s understandable.

But it’s not on to let EITHER of your kids be exposed to this racist, toxic bullshit. You have to protect your kids and anything else isn’t ok

Sorry you’re going through this but you really don’t have an option here

What a tough time your little family are going through, @Nederlands

I do think, however, that you are going to have to be tough and cut yourself off from your racist mother, sister and anyone else who would treat your children like this. It's bad enough that they will get often get treated negatively in life by other ignorant people but they should, absolutely, be able to feel safe within their own family.

How sad your 5yo child sounds here " I am dad's child because we are the same and X is yours because she has nice hair". That is devastating and she'll soon learn that means she is "less than" her sister, by those who are supposed to love her unconditionally.

Let your mother and sister exist in their own bile and protect your kids. Your husband is right.. 🌹

You are absolutely 100% doing the right thing OP cutting them out. As well as the race issue its beyond unhealthy for a grandparent to be that dependant on a child , it puts massive pressure on them. The race comments are just beyond sick. You dsis is as bad entirely. I'm afraid I would expect my DP (although we are the same racial background) to walk put on me if I even had an inkling of this and certainly if I did not do everything in my power to protect my DC. I honestly don't see this as controlling , in his shoes I would say the same , although I have to say I would say it if I kept hearing excuses and faffing. I had a different issue with my exmil and exdh family , not race but serious enough for me to say " I have cut them off and any pushing of that , any cajoling or guilt trips or anything and I will go " this is because however often he promised he always showed that his guilt for his mother outweighed my DC mental health and in our case physical safety. I gave him every chance and it was always avoidance and hand wringing etc. Eventually I had to put a clear boundary and threaten divorce.

The really sad thing is he did eventually do it but now we are divorcing we can both see his behaviour over that issue was the beginning of the end because I lost so much respect for him it killed my love. Put your immediate family first OP which I can see you are doing but you absolutely need to hold the line and show your dh and DC you have their backs. When it's hard when its messy, you are in their corner, every time.

How utterly shit of your family.

Your mother has made it known that her love is conditional and it hurts. How truely disgusting her love is conditional on the colour of their skin.

You need to make a decision if your love for your daughters is conditional. Are you going to let them both be abused because you are going to try and please someone whose doesn't give a shit about either of them?

There will be plenty of times where hurtful things will be said because of the colour of their skin, don't let it be from someone who is supposed to love and accept them and don't let it be because you failed to protect them.

Your sister can get fucked too. Horrible people end up alone.

good luck OP!!! What you're about to do takes a lot of strenght and courage.

How I do hope I don't end up in a similar situation. I changed religion so I dread funny comments becoming worse.

Your daughters are beautiful! Protect them and love them!

Your husband sounds amazing, wanting to protect his children whilst still giving you the option to see your family! In all honesty I would cut them both out of my life.
They are both as bad as each other, to even comment on a child's shade of skin is fucking disgusting. You will all be better off not having racist ppl in your life.
Hope you children don't remember these comments later on in life!

I know I posted earlier but feel I have to post again after reading your other posts.

The text your sister sent mashes my blood boil. Your DH is amazing for keeping his shit together because if I received that I'd go ballistic.

As the mother of a mixed race baby, me being Asian, DH is white, if any of my in-laws made comments to the same tune as your mother and sister I would be cutting all contact and expect DH to do the same.

My sister is darker skinned than me and whenever we visited family back "home" one of our aunts always commented on our different skin tones. I could tell my sister was a little upset about it as lighter skin in our culture is considered more attractive but we used to both try and laugh it off but my sister does still mention it now as an adult ............ my extended family couldn't understand why I spent so much time trying to get a tan when they all actively avoid it.

OP I can totally see your DHs view on this and agree, you need to cut your mother and sister out to protect your DDs and DH.

Thank god your daughters have you as a mother. You are sending them a message that they are valued and loved for exactly who they are. Your mother deserves NO relationship with any of you.

Oh my god! This is one of the worst things I've read. Hideous women!!

"Dear M and Sis
I have two children who are equally mine, equally loved and equally important. I will not accept them being treated differently by you based on the colour of their skin. They both deserve to be equally loved by their grandmother and aunt.
You appear to be unable and unwilling to love them both, and this continued favouritism is damaging them both.

As you refuse to see one of my children as part of our family and worthy of your time and love, I have no choice but to refuse to let you see either of them. The one you favour is damaged by your attitude every bit as much as the one you don't, as she loves her sister very much.

DH and are I both angry and extremely sad that though you accepted DH into your lives, you reject youngest DC for having his skin colour. Please do not try to contact him again."

@Nederlands if your user name is anything to go by, “opzouten met je racistische gezwam” would be a justified response.

If you are living in NL, surely other people have responded in a negative way to their racist views? Or is your youngest the only person they have such a hateful opinion on?

I think it is time to cut ties with your DM and DS and protect your children!

OP you’ve done the right thing. Now you might to need to reverse any damage your mother’s awful words might have done to your lovely daughter’s self image.

I have some beautiful prints of women with Afro hair on my wall. I remember my grandma having the same when I was a kid and it made me see the glorious beauty of Afro hair.

It is absolutely astonishing to me that 3% of people seem to think that it is perfectly acceptable for the children's grandmother to want to see one child and not the other.

Not because of any bad behaviour or wrongdoing on the child's part, just because the child is darker in skin tone.

I guess people troll the voting too.

Op, I think you know that you have to make it absolutely clear to your family that you will not allow them to pick favourites with your children, and that as they seem unable to do that they won't be able to see them at all. You can't have your youngest to to feeling like she's not good enough.

Your mother and sister are making this all about your Mum - she’s old, she’s sick, SHE wants to see your oldest child, it will kill HER if she doesn’t etc.

But what about your two little girls?
THEY should be the most important people in this situation. And your mother’s attitude is extremely toxic and damaging to both of them.

You must protect them from her. It’s a no brainer.

@ekidmxcl

It seems as though your mother and sister are horifically racist and it is appalling that they want to treat your DD2 differently. Clearly there is a big problem that may only be solved by cutting them off.

Have you tried telling them very directly that they are racist and that perhaps DD1 will not want to associate with people who don't like the colour of her sister's skin for example, or directly speak to them about stopping their racism right away? As in, one more racist comment and they aren't allowed to see the girls until next year. Or something like that?

I am slightly concerned about your husband's threat of divorce though. Why would he threaten you with divorce when you are not the person who is causing the problem? If threats are to be made (which isn't ideal anyway, surely you work together to solve the problem?), then surely the threat would be preventing your mother and sister from entering yours and your husband's home, for example. I just am uncomfortable with the threat of divorce for a crime that you didn't commit. Although you have the power to sort it out, cutting off your mum and sister who you grew up with is a pretty hardcore and upsetting thing to have to do. So he's saying either that or divorce.

I’m inclined to agree with this.

My sister keepts texting my husband , sending him facebook messages , knocking on our door

What is she saying to him? I don't suppose she's apologising is she?

My husband is asian. DS looks like me, DD looks like him. If my or his parents ever treated them differently, they would never see any of us again.
How does your family treat your husband? If your mum is like this to her own grandchild, i cant imagine she makes your DH feel very welcome. That alone would be a reason for me to distance myself.

Thank you everyone.

The poster who said I always ask my mother for approval. You are absolutely right. I have always been weak ,and don't really have a strong personality. But I have tried to work on it the past years. BUT there is no way I want my daughters to be treated in such a horrible way. I have made that clear. And I want to stay married to my husband.

• Not only is is insulting to my children ,husband , I find it insulting to me too. I am sick of hearing that I don't look like her biological mother.

SandyY2K

She texts him about stuff like " if she can ignore her sick mother imagine what she can do to her own children .... Try to reason her please ... You deserve better ... They're my mum's only grandchildren "

He gave me his phone and told me to block or reply to her what I wanted.

When she knocks on the door she leaves postcards or presents for my eldest. I put them in the bin straightaway , the issue is that my 8yo can read so I need to make sure she sees none of it.

I called my mum this morning and told her we could meet but not with the children. Just her and I. And guess what ! She told me to get lost and would only want to see me if X is there. I don't feel sad anymore just angry. As immature as this sounds , I am her child , it should be enough.

HellToupee

Ik ben belgisch maar woon in nederland. They never have anything negative to say about other black people , just my youngest girl.

I called my mum this morning and told her we could meet but not with the children. Just her and I. And guess what ! She told me to get lost and would only want to see me if X is there

Well, she has made her choice. She can live with it.