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Original poster

To not let my mother see my daughter because she is a racist

244 replies

Nederlands · 03/08/2020 18:48

Would love some opinions on this situation. I am going to stay as neutral as possible ( sorry for any mistakes , English is not my first language).

So I am white and have 2 daughters with a black man. My first is 8 and my 2nd 5. My eldest looks mixed , and my second looks fully black. I have don't care what their skin colour is , they are both mine.

My mother and sister on the other hand keeps making comments about my second since she was about 2. On FB ,phone , real life. Each f... time :

  • She looks adopted
  • You didn't get lucky the 2nd time
  • Get her out of the sun she will be darker
  • Can't believe she is related to us

I tried the calm approach , explaining to her that it is racist , will hurt my child's self-esteem and they will not longer see her if they carry on.

Then it happened again , so I stopped answering phone calls. My mother had the audacity to send me texts saying she doesn't care if she doesn't see my youngest but will be destroyed if she doesn't see my eldest.

I am crying so much. I can't believe it. My mum and I used to be so close. But there is no way I am going to have my youngest be treated this way. My sister then texted me that our mum is old and loves X so much.

am I wrong not to feel guilty ,or should I try to compromise ?

PS: My husband says he will divorce me if this continues. So it's putting a pressure on my marriage too.

OP posts:
FloreanFortescue · 03/08/2020 21:27

Your youngest child already sees her sister as being the one with the "nice" hair. She's experiencing racial bias already. Please protect her from your family. This needs to end. There has to be consequences for being racist. If that's losing her grandchildren then it's no less than she deserves as she can't be trusted to "compromise".

WatchingFromTheWings · 03/08/2020 21:31

@Nederlands

Cadent

This is the text ( I translated it I am not British) : Hey why is myname not picking up her phone ? I know she is mad that we keep making comments about Y skin colour. But it's not racist it is what it is. She looks like she has a black mother too. My mum want to see X , so keep Y at home if you want.

Then he called her after that. and she just told him lots of sh*t

Of course it's bloody racist! They don't want to see the one child as she's dark skinned!
Longwhiskers14 · 03/08/2020 21:32

@Nederlands

Mittens030869

Thank you for your understanding. Of course I want to protect my child , when I got pregnant I got prepared for the fact that I'd have to raise black children in a white town. I never expected my mother and sister to be their first challenges though. I stopped talking to my mother and sister. They keep ringing me. My sister keepts texting my husband , sending him facebook messages , knocking on our door.

I do feel guilty sometimes because my mother is sick and despite the fact that I'd want a relationship with her , it will never be at the expenses of my children.

I guess I just needed someone to tell me " You're doing the right thing".

Yes, you are doing the right thing, OP. Your mother and sister are awful, appalling people. They are denigrating your daughter because of the colour of her skin. That's shameful beyond belief. Your DH, who sounds amazing, must be so incredibly hurt as well because what they're also doing is revealing how they feel about him being black.

Your family is racist and you need to stop exposing your daughters AND your husband to them.

BereftOfInk · 03/08/2020 21:33

My sister keepts texting my husband , sending him facebook messages , knocking on our door

How are you going to explain this to the Dc? They must be aware something is going on if she's knocking on the door. Would she dare turn up to their school?

Hard as it is, you are doing the right thing.

Prettylittlelady · 03/08/2020 21:36

I would divorce you as well if you continued to engage with someone who was racist and made racists comments about my child.
I’m disgusted - as someone who is also mixed race - I know that if my mum was in the same situation, even now, as an adult she would do whatever she could to protect me even if it meant losing her family.

ktp100 · 03/08/2020 21:38

Sorry but the emotional blackmail they're trying on you is disgraceful, never mind the utterly shameful comments they've made about your second daughter.

To outrightly say they are only bothered about seeing your first daughter is so vile I can't even get my head around it.

You need to cut them off, for all of your sakes. Of course you are going to feel sadness at losing them but your priority must be your children and their attitude could seriously damage them both.

Your husband sounds like a good man and a great father. Listen to him.

FeedMeSantiago · 03/08/2020 21:39

My father married a black woman in 1962. His family had no issue with this, or with my half-siblings from that marriage who are mixed race.

Any one who had an issue would have been given short shrift by my Dad. Dad and his siblings are all in their 70s and 80s. My grandmother would be 104 were she alive today, born 1916. She adored my siblings and made no distinction between them and her white grandchildren. That is how it should be.

What your mother and sister are doing OP is awful. They will cause no end of damage to both girls, especially your youngest.

Of course it's upsetting to find out your family have these views. You need to keep them well away from your daughters though OP.

RobotRepair · 03/08/2020 21:43

I cannot believe your sister trying to pull the emotional blackmail card of how can you keep the light of your Sick mothers life away from her. It’s horrendous. There is nothing that makes this ok. That one child is deemed the light of her life on the basis of her having lighter skin is unimaginable.

Your children cannot be subjected to this and you and your DH shouldn’t allow yourself to be either. I’m sorry you have all been so badly let down.

nocoolnamesleft · 03/08/2020 21:46

You know you have to protect your daughters from this hateful behaviour. Your husband is right, they cannot see them.

polkadotpjs · 03/08/2020 21:56

Nope. Get rid of her. How dreadful of her to differentiate and be so rude. And your poor husband. You're better off without thus awful woman

Teaandcrisps · 03/08/2020 22:00

OP this is awful - please find support through local Black and mixed race community networks- build a new family.

oldbagface · 03/08/2020 22:00

Jeez op. Cut that nasty fucker right out of your life. I feel sick reading this. Poor you. Sending support Flowers

Pepperwort · 03/08/2020 22:06

Nothing much to add except some sympathy. Pure racism towards children is disgusting - well, to anyone. You do have to cut your mother out, but what a thing to have to do. Flowers

Spinachfinger · 03/08/2020 22:11

You would be doing the right thing to cut them off OP, you know this deep down.

I'm honestly aghast at the thought that your sister thought it was somehow acceptable to denigrate your mixed race daughter to your BLACK husband. That must've pained him to the core! Block them on facebook, do t answer their calls or texts and if they show up at your door, tell them you are not I interested in what they have to say u less it's a sincere apology.

It will be hard, but it will be so much harder for your family to keep allowing your mother and sister to spew their venom. Do what you need to do.

MrsKeats · 03/08/2020 22:14

Age is absolutely not relevant. My parents are in their eighties and would never act like that.
Op you have no choice but to put a stop to this. Your children and your dh have to take priority. You have to just accept that some of your blood relatives are awful. However, you can choose another way,

Pillypocket666 · 03/08/2020 22:16

That is awful. You should not let your mother see any of your children, even if she promises to be nice to one purely so she can see the other. Awful. You sound like you and your husband have a nice family, keep it that way.

LouiseTrees · 03/08/2020 22:24

Your 8 year old is old enough to know she has a racist grandmother. Tell your mother your eldest doesn’t want to see her right now. Do not let this affect your marriage.

Changednamesorry · 03/08/2020 22:25

Your husband is right. Your mother is a risk to your children's wellbeing and that's putting it mildly.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2020 22:34

They keep ringing me. My sister keepts texting my husband , sending him facebook messages , knocking on our door.

Block them on everything and don't answer the door. If you have to, put a note on the door saying "You know who you are, don't bother knocking".

IsThisTheKrustyKrab · 03/08/2020 22:36

Your mother sounds utterly vile! I would do the same in your position.

Shizzlestix · 03/08/2020 23:21

Your husband needs to block your mother and sister on social media and the phone. They are horrible and do not deserve to have you in their lives. Disgusting behaviour.

oldbagface · 03/08/2020 23:28

Send a simple text. Goodbye and fuck off with your vile racist views we don't need you.

Really hate this shit. So sad for your situation.

Gailplatt95 · 03/08/2020 23:38

Your mother is fucking foul, tell her to get fucked! I know I would. Your husband has every right to feel that way, don’t risk your marriage for that pair of bitches.

BuffaloMozzerella · 04/08/2020 00:02

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you know that you can't allow your mum and sister to be around your girls now. Even the way they believe they are just speaking 'facts' without any care or awareness of the deeper impact it will have is upsetting to read about.

I can see from your posts that your know your DH is right and you also think this too, so now you will have to go through the painful process of withdrawing from your birth family. You may find other family members may side with them so prepare yourself to be the baddy. Families don't like it much when someone breaks the mould. It's still the right thing to do.

ConfusedDotCom123 · 04/08/2020 00:18

Your mother knows you run to her for approval

She likes this feeling of being emotionally in control

She will hate her when it gets to you. Will love her when it gets to you. Whatever works for her to be able to manipulate your daughter to get under your skin she will do it.

It makes her feel important. She wants to feel in control by having this leverage in ur life.

Pls take your daughter away from the scene. Keep her away from any emotionally vulnerable People and only supervised visits.

And your poor husband has every right to not trust the way you are handling this.

You can bond with your mother without giving into her wrong actions.

Bond with her on your own terms. Not by giving up your daughters self esteem for her to slay at the alter.

Go the extra mile and try bond with her using your own efforts. Bake her a cake? Buy her a mug ? Do something for her...

But your daughters don’t have to bare the consequences of your wants in that relationship.

Keep them out of it.

It’s disgusting when adults settle their scores by using kids..

Pls take them out of the equation and visit her alone.. so that she can settle the score with you directly.