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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To delay mmr vaccine

163 replies

Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 14:17

I know aibu but my question is really relating to how long can I delay it without putting my child’s health at risk?

The reason being, childs father has been experiencing some mental health problems since lockdown and has asked that we delay giving our 3 year old second mmr dose whilst he looks into the ‘ingredients’ (paranoia around aborted foetuses going in apparently).

I have pointed out that the ingredients are listed on the nhs website but he wants to see it in writing, via a letter from virgin health or whoever, to confirm. If he’s happy with it then he will ‘allow’ the vaccine to go ahead.

I will be getting my child vaccinated regardless but I know it will be at the expense of my relationship If he disagrees hence why I would like to know if anyone has any idea about the guidelines as I can’t seem to find anything online. The cdc says it could be up to 2 years but that’s American isn’t it?

OP posts:
Orchidsindoors · 03/08/2020 14:36

Cant he look into the ingredients now? Surely a quick google?

Orchidsindoors · 03/08/2020 14:39

I'd be clear to him that his paranoia should not affect your childs health. Book the MMR and give him a deadline of that date to do what he needs to do. I wouldnt give him any additional time or leeway to mess you about, because the minute you do that, hes got a hold on you.

RedRumTheHorse · 03/08/2020 14:40

@Orchidsindoors

I'd be clear to him that his paranoia should not affect your childs health. Book the MMR and give him a deadline of that date to do what he needs to do. I wouldnt give him any additional time or leeway to mess you about, because the minute you do that, hes got a hold on you.
^This
KittyFantastico · 03/08/2020 14:40

I'd just get it done, he can Google the ingredients if he's concerned about it.

The aborted foetal tissue hes referring to is the cell line for Rubella. The viruses for this vaccine was grown in cells taken from elective terminations of pregnancies, which took place in the early 1960s. Since then, the cell lines for this vaccine has been maintained and no further foetal tissue has been used.

I hope he's getting help for his mental health problems.

Original poster
Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 15:54

I appreciate your responses but he won’t take it from the website, he is insisting on getting it in writing which is taking time.

Rational arguments won’t work which is why I was asking if anyone knew what the recommended window was from needing to have the vaccine to when your child becomes at risk.

OP posts:
PawPatrolMakesMeDrink · 03/08/2020 16:03

The vaccine will either be the MMR VaxPro or Priorix depending on stock in your area.
I’d be booking the child in and he can have until then to conduct his research but that the appointment will be going ahead.
I hope he’s having help with his mental health issues.
After the first dose at 12m it is 95% effect at preventing measles, almost 100% against rubella and between 61% and 91% against mumps, but that this declines with age, therefore reinforcing immunisation is recommended. That’s taken from the Green Book, the Guide to vaccines for the UK. No one can tell you if delaying the second vaccine will put your child at risk.

Starbuggy · 03/08/2020 16:08

YABU

Your child’s health is more important than his paranoia. Is he seeking help for his MH issues at least?

Vaccinate your child.

Original poster
Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 16:12

He’s not seeking help because as far as he is concerned There is no problem and he is the one who is thinking of our child’s health, and I am the one putting them at risk. Like I say, you can’t have a rational discussion about it.

OP posts:
titchy · 03/08/2020 16:16

No NHS professional (who the fuck are Virgin health?) is going to waste time writing him a letter listing the ingredients. Just make the appointment.

dementedpixie · 03/08/2020 16:17

It will be exactly the same ingredients that were in the first MMR that was given at 12ish months. Why is there a concern now if your child has already had one MMR? I don't know if there is a time limit but its in your child's best interest to have the 2nd to ensure the best protection

Nacreous · 03/08/2020 16:17

Might be being ridiculous but is it worth seeing if PALS at your local CCG would send a letter/email confirming that the vaccine used is the one with the ingredients at ?

They might do if you're lucky I guess. I can see it is very difficult though as obviously the reason he's asking is because of his current MH difficulties.

PALS are still answering their phone lines where I live and are very nice, though obviously it will vary by area.

Crunchymum · 03/08/2020 16:18

I know this may be a bit controversial but can't you just get it done?

Will Dad see the red book? Will child tell dad? (Not suggesting you should child not to, but all mine have forgotten the MMR the afternoon they had it!)

Crunchymum · 03/08/2020 16:20

I am assuming you aren't together @Coriandersucks

alexdgr8 · 03/08/2020 16:23

yes, see the above posts.
i think you are getting muddled here.
your primary concern must be for your child, and his /her physical health and safety.
your partner must be secondary to that. he is an adult. his mental state is variable, and the issues probably long-term.
it would be wrong to let your child be at unnecessary risk, by delaying the vaccination until your partner can accept it in his less than rational state.
what is he brings up some other objection. one like this, not an impassable impediment but something that you have to research or enable, fit in with, to humour him.
all the while your child is being put in second place.
frankly i don't think you should be indulging his paranoia or whatever it is, by trying find out how long you can delay the matter.
don't delay. do it today. make the arrangement. you can tell him later.
but only if he asks. and in a calm, matter of fact way.
don't make your life and the health of your child revolve around this man's problems.
you can sympathise and support him to seek treatment, but don't let it disadvantage your child in any way. where would it end.
don't put the cart before the horse. good luck.

SinkGirl · 03/08/2020 16:28

Sounds like he’s been reading a load of antivaxx nonsense. There is no aborted foetal tissue in vaccines. Two foetuses aborted nearly 60 years ago provided cells used to grow the fibroblast cells used in the vaccine. There is not some secret supply of aborted foetuses used for vaccine production.

There is literally no point getting a written list of ingredients when the full patient information leaflets are available online. You know that either he won’t believe what he gets or will look up a load of lies online about what the ingredients are.

Book it.

meow1989 · 03/08/2020 16:33

You dont need the other parents permission to consent to vaccinations for your child. The mmr is given when it is because that is when scientists have determined risk starts to rise from and when the optimal.tome.for protection is. I understand it's a delicate situation but your childs health should not suffer for the sake of her parents mental health.

Also, I do always wonder with antivaxxers - would they hold off emergency drugs in a life threatening situation in order to check the ingredients? Would you let him for the sake of his mental health?

KittyFantastico · 03/08/2020 16:34

A far bigger issue here is that he's not seeking support for his mental illness, that's concerning.

DH has struggled with his mental health and has chronic depression, it is usually very well managed but every now and again he goes into a dip. During one of these dips he would not seek help and would not accept that he was not functioning as he should, it was an incredibly difficult time in our relationship and once he did eventually seek help and got back onto an even keel we had a serious discussion about it where I made it clear that if that ever happened again then he would have to leave because - as hard as it is for him going through it - its not fair on me or the DC to be dragged down with him.

It can be emotionally and mentally draining living with someone who has an undamaged condition, this is going to sound incredibly blunt OP but you need to look after your own mental health too and if he won't seek help then it will eventually reach a point where his condition begins to damage you.

MolotovMocktail · 03/08/2020 16:34

I think the ideal scenario would be to vaccinate the child and lose the husband.

KittyFantastico · 03/08/2020 16:36

I made it clear that if that ever happened again then he would have to leave

Just realised this isn't clear. By "that" I mean not seeking help for working his way out if a dip rather than the dip itself. He cant help having dips but he can help himself out of it by getting support.

sMouse · 03/08/2020 16:41

I think you need to just crack on, he won't accept the website, it seems likely that even if you get a letter, some other reason will come up, he needs to get help for his mental health, but you shouldn't pander to his illogical demands.

Beeyonce · 03/08/2020 16:41

Please don’t delay. My dc was exposed to measles because we we were advised to delay for a month while they recovered from chickenpox.

We were very lucky not to end up in hospital In an isolation ward like the child that had it. They have permanent hearing loss now but it could have been so, so much worse.

Have your child immunised - your partners mental health is a separate issue Flowers

SteelyPanther · 03/08/2020 16:43

Just be aware that if he disagrees and makes this known, the child cannot be vaccinated.
It would need to go to court.
Vaccinating is seen as being in the best interests of the child and so would be done eventually, but if I were you I’d pop off and get it done quietly.

Ponoka7 · 03/08/2020 16:45

If your child contracted any of the conditions that you are vaccinating against, then they are at risk from Covid. The doctors have been urging Parents to not delay vaccines for this reason.

You are allowing your DH's MH issues to come before the health of your child. It's as simple as that. It's tough for a child to live with a Parent who is mentally unwell. We had more of those cases on our books in SS than we did drug issues. Nearly all are left with traits picked up from that Parent.

If he won't get help, then it needs to end because you are starting to collude and enable with him and that's dangerous for your child.

Ponoka7 · 03/08/2020 16:51

Beeyonce's post has reminded me of two children that I knew who'd been left with LD's, hearing and S&L issues because of measles.

Bobbiepin · 03/08/2020 16:57

Make an appointment for him to discuss his mental health & tell him he can talk about the vaccine with a HCP.

Vaccinate the child in accordance with medical advice.