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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To delay mmr vaccine

163 replies

Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 14:17

I know aibu but my question is really relating to how long can I delay it without putting my child’s health at risk?

The reason being, childs father has been experiencing some mental health problems since lockdown and has asked that we delay giving our 3 year old second mmr dose whilst he looks into the ‘ingredients’ (paranoia around aborted foetuses going in apparently).

I have pointed out that the ingredients are listed on the nhs website but he wants to see it in writing, via a letter from virgin health or whoever, to confirm. If he’s happy with it then he will ‘allow’ the vaccine to go ahead.

I will be getting my child vaccinated regardless but I know it will be at the expense of my relationship If he disagrees hence why I would like to know if anyone has any idea about the guidelines as I can’t seem to find anything online. The cdc says it could be up to 2 years but that’s American isn’t it?

OP posts:
Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 03/08/2020 16:59

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. IME he is likely to simply latch onto a different issue about the vaccine if the one issue is solved - as you say logic isn’t helping so written logic wont either Flowers
I think I would try to get it done without his knowledge.

If not Do you have a helpful GP or HV who you could have a tele-consult with? Maybe he would take the recommendation from them?

Stay safe Flowers

PowerslidePanda · 03/08/2020 17:01

After the first dose at 12m it is 95% effect at preventing measles, almost 100% against rubella and between 61% and 91% against mumps, but that this declines with age, therefore reinforcing immunisation is recommended.

As I understand it, the statistics about effectiveness are at a population level, not an individual one. In other words - having had a single dose of MMR doesn't mean he has 95% protection - it means that of 100 kids who had a single dose, 95 of them are now immune. You don't know if your son is in the 95% or in the 5%. So as to "when" he becomes at risk from not having the second dose - he could be already.

MissConductUS · 03/08/2020 17:01

@Ponoka7

Beeyonce's post has reminded me of two children that I knew who'd been left with LD's, hearing and S&L issues because of measles.
I have a permanent 30% hearing loss from a childhood case of measles. It didn't come to light until I started school and couldn't hear the teachers. It's a significant disability. The vaccine was quite new at the time and for some reason I didn't get it. Thanks mum!

Just take your child in and get the jab, and don't discuss it further with the father. Your child could catch measles at any time. It's wildly contagious. We had a massive outbreak last year in New York and it spreads like wildfire.

GreytExpectations · 03/08/2020 17:07

Sorry you are going through this OP. And it looks like a lot of posters haven't bothered reading your posts that say you WILL be getting the vaccine.

Your DPs mental health is really bad and I'd be seriously looking at way to support him getting the help he needs, otherwise his paranoia can put your child at harm. Please ignore the insensitive replies on here, some people clearly don't understand mental health issues. However, you should get your child booked in for their vaccine and then while waiting use that time to see if youc an convince your partner to seek help.

MissConductUS · 03/08/2020 17:08

I just noticed this in the OP:

The cdc says it could be up to 2 years but that’s American isn’t it?

It is, but American children are quite similar medically to children in the UK. Smile

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 03/08/2020 17:08

Make the appointment without the childs father knowing, normally I would not suggest doing that but in this case you have to put your childs health first. The mental health problems is a huge issue - he is refusing to get help and will likely just keep spiralling further. He probably doesn't realise how bad he is, I am so ashamed of some of the ways I have behaved when I've stopped managing my mental health in the past - but that does not mean he is allowed to get away with it.

I would issue an ultimatum- either he seeks help for his paranoia or he leaves because it isn't fair on you or your child and it is affecting all of you.

pointythings · 03/08/2020 17:08

I don't think indulging his paranoia does anyone any favours. Put your child first, get them vaccinated as per the schedule. Then tell your OH to get help or get out - I know you love him, but you cannot inflict him on your DC. It isn't fair or right. He owes it to himself and to both of you to take care of his MH.

I'm currently fostering a teen whose mum came off meds against doctors' advice last year - we're now two fresh admissions in and the upheaval has been tremendous. Don't let your OH do that to you.

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 03/08/2020 17:09

If you make the appointment without the fathers knowledge he wont be able to do anything to stop you going.

GreytExpectations · 03/08/2020 17:10

@Crunchymum maybe you should actually read the OP before making assumptions and going behind a parents back is an awful thing to suggest. If the tables were turned and a father was suggesting doing that people would be up in arms calling him controlling and abusive. Yes she should get the child vaccinated but she shouldn't hide it from the dad, who is she still with (like i said, you'd know this if you read thr OP)

Ballet1992 · 03/08/2020 17:20

If he's not having treatment or in any way accepting of his mental health problems then I'd just go get my child vaccinated without telling him.

And I'd expect the advice to be the same if I was paranoid and mentally ill and my husband wanted to vaccinate our child.

Especially given Covid is doing the rounds, that's enough to be getting on with. The MMR has been proven as safe over and over again (sage for the very small number of side effects).

Would you forgive him if your child ends up with measles and the long term consequences? I'm not sure I could

pointythings · 03/08/2020 17:23

GreytExpectations if the mum/dad situation were reversed, the advice would be exactly the same from the majority of posters on MN. This is about the welfare of a child and that has to come first.

PawPatrolMakesMeDrink · 03/08/2020 17:28

@PowerslidePanda (love the mental image that comes with that username!) that’s why I popped the final sentence of my post on, statistics are just that, numbers. No one can tell OP what they want to hear, which I’m sure she already knows.

Awkwarddough · 03/08/2020 17:29

Can the drs not give you a written list of ingredients? I’m sure when you have the vaccine they give you the patient information sheet with the ingredients on

Original poster
Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 17:45

I’ve spoken to him again and he’s admitted that regardless of what the official list of ingredients is or whatever response they give him, he’s not going to believe it. He’s so far down this anti-vaccine, conspiracy theory route I don’t think I’m going to get him back.

He’s also admitted that there has to be a cut off point however so has asked that I hold off until November (the us elections) and if it hasn’t all come out by then (and I’m not sure what he means by come out but it’s apparently a great awakening) then I can get him vaccinated.

I realise this makes him sound seriously unwell but if you didn’t know he believed all of this you would honestly not know. He’s an active dad, has a great job, friends etc but this is just completely throwing me. I thought I could hold off and not be the one responsible for breaking our lovely little family up and let him be the one if he chose to walk away, I realise how naive that sounds.

Do the jabs leave holes in the arms? Could I get him done at a different surgery - thinking if I take him to stay with my parents for a few days I could get it done then.

OP posts:
MitziK · 03/08/2020 17:45

@Coriandersucks

I know aibu but my question is really relating to how long can I delay it without putting my child’s health at risk?

The reason being, childs father has been experiencing some mental health problems since lockdown and has asked that we delay giving our 3 year old second mmr dose whilst he looks into the ‘ingredients’ (paranoia around aborted foetuses going in apparently).

I have pointed out that the ingredients are listed on the nhs website but he wants to see it in writing, via a letter from virgin health or whoever, to confirm. If he’s happy with it then he will ‘allow’ the vaccine to go ahead.

I will be getting my child vaccinated regardless but I know it will be at the expense of my relationship If he disagrees hence why I would like to know if anyone has any idea about the guidelines as I can’t seem to find anything online. The cdc says it could be up to 2 years but that’s American isn’t it?

At the expense of your relationship?

Sounds a bargain to me.

Just go and get it done.

ireallyamthewalrus · 03/08/2020 17:50

I’m sure when you have the vaccine they give you the patient information sheet with the ingredients on

I was thinking the same. The surgery must do these vaccinations daily and will throw away the box and info sheet every time. Could you ask if you can have them for him to have a look at?

Frazzled13 · 03/08/2020 17:55

I’ve spoken to him again and he’s admitted that regardless of what the official list of ingredients is or whatever response they give him, he’s not going to believe it. He’s so far down this anti-vaccine, conspiracy theory route I don’t think I’m going to get him back.

He’s also admitted that there has to be a cut off point however so has asked that I hold off until November (the us elections) and if it hasn’t all come out by then (and I’m not sure what he means by come out but it’s apparently a great awakening) then I can get him vaccinated.

So he's ok to go ahead in november, despite the fact that right now, nothing would satisfy him?
Personally, if I believed he'd be ok with it in November, maybe I'd wait, but honestly, it doesn't sound like he will be. If nothing "comes to light" then, won't he blame someone for covering it all up and still have the same reservations?
I would personally just book it.

SteelyPanther · 03/08/2020 18:01

OP - you need to get this done before he makes his feeling known to the vaccinating nurse and the GP surgery. Believe me - they will not vaccinate against his wishes.
You must go and get it done ASAP without his knowledge.

SteelyPanther · 03/08/2020 18:03

No it doesn’t leave a ‘hole’ but it will leave a needle mark and could get red around the injection site.
You probably wouldn’t notice unless you were looking.

CaveMum · 03/08/2020 18:08

Surely you need to get them done at the surgery your child is registered with so that the vaccination goes on his record.

Could you not make an appointment for the morning, tell dad you are going out for the day and then by the time you get home in the afternoon your child will have forgotten all about it and any initial marks will have faded.

SinkGirl · 03/08/2020 18:10

He’s also admitted that there has to be a cut off point however so has asked that I hold off until November (the us elections) and if it hasn’t all come out by then (and I’m not sure what he means by come out but it’s apparently a great awakening) then I can get him vaccinated.

You’ll get to November and he’ll say that there’s been a big cover up but it will all come out next year... like those end of the world cults.

Anti vaxx is a cult, and a bloody dangerous one at that.

He will never change his mind. There is nothing you can present to him at this point that will change his mind.

The fact that he’s talking about aborted foetuses shows he’s been given 1% of the information and 99% bullshit.

MolotovMocktail · 03/08/2020 18:13

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LetMeVent · 03/08/2020 18:15

Does he know someone whose child has been damaged by a vaccine? The only people I know who are “anti giving their child any further vaccines” used to vaccinate their children until there was a severe reaction or sudden, otherwise inexplicable, change in their child’s physical and/or mental ability.

KittyFantastico · 03/08/2020 18:21

I'd go get them done, it's not as if he can have the vaccine sucked back out once it's been given. If he decides it's a deal breaker then it's a deal breaker but at least your child will be vaccinated and you'll know where you stand with regards to your relationship.

Original poster
Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 18:27

He’s promised that if he’s wrong come November that I can vaccinate then, I don’t think he will go back on that. I also don’t think he will go the gp and tell them not to do it. We both realise how much this stuff has come between us, we love each other very much and we are desperate to save our relationship even if we have a difference of opinion. This vaccine stuff is the first thing that has been vital that we agree on and we are trying to respect each other’s wishes whilst Putting the needs of our child first.

Thing is, he thinks he’s doing the best thing by our child but so do I.

He occasionally goes away with work so if I can time it to get it done then, or get it done at another surgery or privately even, then I will. I’m worried that November is too far away and I will never forgive myself if something happens in the meantime.

OP posts: