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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To delay mmr vaccine

163 replies

Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 14:17

I know aibu but my question is really relating to how long can I delay it without putting my child’s health at risk?

The reason being, childs father has been experiencing some mental health problems since lockdown and has asked that we delay giving our 3 year old second mmr dose whilst he looks into the ‘ingredients’ (paranoia around aborted foetuses going in apparently).

I have pointed out that the ingredients are listed on the nhs website but he wants to see it in writing, via a letter from virgin health or whoever, to confirm. If he’s happy with it then he will ‘allow’ the vaccine to go ahead.

I will be getting my child vaccinated regardless but I know it will be at the expense of my relationship If he disagrees hence why I would like to know if anyone has any idea about the guidelines as I can’t seem to find anything online. The cdc says it could be up to 2 years but that’s American isn’t it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 20:18

Yes qanon is exactly what he’s into. Thing is he’s said November is cut off point so that’s what we’ve agreed, if he goes back on that it’s game over.

Part of me just wants this to end now I’m exhausted! I sometimes wish he would say he wants to move to the us to be with his new friends that he’s made and celebrate trump as that would be so much easier. But then we’ve just had a big laugh at something the cats done and he’s cooking dinner and everything feels so normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 20:20

Sorry I’m just starting to really panic over all this. I was hoping the response to my original question would be that I could wait a few months, no dramas then I could carry on as normal for a bit longer.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 03/08/2020 20:21

But this isn’t normal. He’s mentally ill and making irrational decisions that could lead your child to end up seriously affected.
He won’t get well without treatment.

emptyplinth · 03/08/2020 20:25

op I'm sorry, what a nightmare this is for you.
I have a previously sane family member who has started spouting all this shit too, apparently Trump is a great saviour, vaccines are all a plot. It's awful.
Same stories about how all vaccines contain aborted foetuses (obviously they don't).
I don't think he's mentally ill, part of the problem with this utter garbage is the way it's written to convince people that they're very clever for not trusting mainstream media, medicine etc.
There won't be anything in November that changes his mind, regardless of the outcome of the election.
I think you have to adopt a very firm line that he's entitled to make decisions about his own healthcare but you need to complete your DC's vaccination program.
I would never normally suggest someone go behind their partner's back but for this one, you have to protect your child.
Flowers and so sorry you have this worry to deal with.

DuncinToffee · 03/08/2020 20:25

Can you make the appointment for November and then go ahead with it no matter what DH decides? You need to put your child first.
I feel for you, such a worrying situation and not one that can be solved by talking to him.

Sailingblue · 03/08/2020 20:26

Coriandersucks It is very normal for people who are mentally ill to not have a clue there is anything wrong with them. Many can present as being perfectly well and capable. I used to cry with frustration as a teenager when my mum’s cpn came round and she seemed totally fine for the hour they were there only to do something totally crazy once they’d left. As I said before, your little boy will soon know. You are doing him no favours at all by pretending all is ok for an easier life now. It is not fair on him. Your husband needs treatment.

Gurtcha · 03/08/2020 20:33

@Coriandersucks

He’s promised that if he’s wrong come November that I can vaccinate then, I don’t think he will go back on that. I also don’t think he will go the gp and tell them not to do it. We both realise how much this stuff has come between us, we love each other very much and we are desperate to save our relationship even if we have a difference of opinion. This vaccine stuff is the first thing that has been vital that we agree on and we are trying to respect each other’s wishes whilst Putting the needs of our child first.

Thing is, he thinks he’s doing the best thing by our child but so do I.

He occasionally goes away with work so if I can time it to get it done then, or get it done at another surgery or privately even, then I will. I’m worried that November is too far away and I will never forgive myself if something happens in the meantime.

I’m sorry OP but I’m going to lay it all down for you. All this is utter crap.

Now is not the time to be fucking about with your child’s health and the bottom line is that you have just agreed to put his batshit behaviour before your child’s health, possibly even putting your child in danger.

Getting DC vaccinated behind DHs back is the opposite to what you’ve said here and actually I’d be more concerned about the common side effects being pretty obvious (e.g a rash). What’s he going to do if he finds out? You seem fairly concerned about that.

You don’t need permission to keep your child well and safe.

His behaviour will escalate. There will be something else in November and he will become more erratic and paranoid as tome goes on. Get your child vaccinated and leave your DH whilst he gets help. Please don’t expose your child to this anymore.

GoldenOmber · 03/08/2020 20:38

He’s promised that if he’s wrong come November that I can vaccinate then, I don’t think he will go back on that.

Have you thought about what you'll do if he does go back on it, though? He's getting into a movement that has been wrong about pretty much every prediction they have ever ever made and every time they have doubled down and come up with some increasingly bonkers explanation for it. If he's into this stuff he is basically in a cult.

ThanksItHasPockets · 03/08/2020 20:38

I’m really, really sorry, OP, but I think if you read back over the thread you will see that your marriage is already over. The cost of saving it is too great.

You need to get specific advice on your options if he uses his parental responsibility to withhold consent for future medical treatment.

HamishsMomma · 03/08/2020 20:45

NHS site says second dose 3 yrs 4 mths. My eldest DD had chicken pox at that time so I waited until she was all clear from that before booking her in.

MidnightCitrus · 03/08/2020 21:02

For goodness sake - what are you going to do if he decides he doesnt want to vax at all? are you going to not vax?

Stand up for your child and get the vaccination....!!

MissConductUS · 03/08/2020 21:05

Ring the child's doctor and get their take on delaying until November. He will have some protection from the first jab.

Yank here. Trump is going to get his ass kicked into next week in the election and qanon will explode in fury over it. His agreement to wait until the election will doubtless be voided when it doesn't go to plan.

Conspiracy theories work because they make the adherents feel special, they know the secret truths and are too smart to fall for the propagana that fools the sheeple. It's not an auspicious trait in a partner.

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 03/08/2020 21:05

Being anti vax and believing all the conspiracy theories is not the same as mental illness. Many may people unfortunately believe the same as OPs DP and they are not mentally unwell. The fact you say he is fine in every other aspect of his life find of implies this is just a stupid and Bag shot anti van believe rather actual psychotic paranoia. In which case there is no treatment. You can rarely change antivaxxers minds so I'd just get it done.

BoggledBudgie · 03/08/2020 21:06

You’re partner is an utter tool. Vaccinate your baby ffs.

Original poster
Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 21:14

I was waiting for the last straw tbh and this could well be it although I was hoping for it to be an easier decision for me, as in his overall behaviour suddenly changing or him choosing to leave because he couldn’t stand being with a sheeple or whatever.

I will be getting my child vaccinated regardless please don’t think I won’t. I think speaking to my gp is the next step.

I actually don’t believe he is mentally ill per se but his background has certainly made him susceptible to this cult like belief system that he’s now part of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 21:16

Part of me wants to be proven wrong though, he’s spent hundreds of pounds on Vietnamese dong ffs in the belief that he will be a millionaire in 4 weeks time.

I would laugh if this was happening to someone else.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 03/08/2020 21:21

Get the vaccine now, Christ knows what appointments will be like to get with health professionals in November if we end up with an increase in covid numbers. My husbands trust just made the decision to cancel the clinics he was resuming this month due to being in lockdown again here.

Wolfiefan · 03/08/2020 21:22

Your first post said he had MH problems. I think that was correct. People with good mental health are not paranoid and irrational.

Ginfordinner · 03/08/2020 21:25

FFS put your big girl pants on and get your child vaccinated. If your partner goes out to work, just make an appointment and do it. Why are you saying it is a difficult decision? It isn't!

Stop saying "no, but" all the time and making excuses. Stop using your partner's "mental illness" as an excuse to not protect your child from preventable diseases!

Grow a pair and do it!

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 03/08/2020 21:26

I would avoid a November jag appointment if possible during normal times (just because mine always had/have colds) with Covid I would definitely be getting them done ASAP.

I had a wee look at the qanon stuff Confused but did come across this quote that I thought was rather apt
“people believe in conspiracy theories because they fulfil psychological needs - not because they present convincing rational arguments” Professor Karen Douglas

Needanewnamenow · 03/08/2020 21:26

OP I hope you are starting to realise that whatever 'deal' you come up with with your DH is putting his needs before your child. I know it's tough but only you can advocate for your child and you have to put them first.

Also for what it's worth as the child of someone with severe mental health problems, your marriage sounds dead in the water and your child will not thank you for staying with someone who plays fast and loose with their health like this, because of Donald trump or whatever. Please get your child vaccinated, in fact do it as soon as you can so then it is done!

Starbuggy · 03/08/2020 21:33

Don’t wait until November! He will only come up with another “reason” to delay it further.

Honestly, I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone with such mental health issues who wasn’t accepting there was a problem and seeking help, and I say that as someone with lifelong MH issues myself! But I accept them and have treatment.

He’s willing to put your child’s health at risk over this paranoia. That’s not a good father.

Take your child to be vaccinated as soon as possible.

SteelyPanther · 03/08/2020 21:36

Don’t wait until November, that’s flu season and we might be shut down with Covid again.

CeibaTree · 03/08/2020 21:37

My son's 3 year old booster was due in the middle of lockdown. When I phoned to book I asked how long it could be delayed if needs be, and the nurse said within 2 months would be fine. If your child has already had the first one though, why is your partner now concerned - surely the ingredients will be exactly the same?

Bobbiepin · 03/08/2020 21:50

OP you mention your partner's mental health - does he have a diagnosis? That may open up some suggestions as to how best to approach this with him.

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