Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To delay mmr vaccine

163 replies

Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 14:17

I know aibu but my question is really relating to how long can I delay it without putting my child’s health at risk?

The reason being, childs father has been experiencing some mental health problems since lockdown and has asked that we delay giving our 3 year old second mmr dose whilst he looks into the ‘ingredients’ (paranoia around aborted foetuses going in apparently).

I have pointed out that the ingredients are listed on the nhs website but he wants to see it in writing, via a letter from virgin health or whoever, to confirm. If he’s happy with it then he will ‘allow’ the vaccine to go ahead.

I will be getting my child vaccinated regardless but I know it will be at the expense of my relationship If he disagrees hence why I would like to know if anyone has any idea about the guidelines as I can’t seem to find anything online. The cdc says it could be up to 2 years but that’s American isn’t it?

OP posts:
MitziK · 03/08/2020 18:34

@Coriandersucks

He’s promised that if he’s wrong come November that I can vaccinate then, I don’t think he will go back on that. I also don’t think he will go the gp and tell them not to do it. We both realise how much this stuff has come between us, we love each other very much and we are desperate to save our relationship even if we have a difference of opinion. This vaccine stuff is the first thing that has been vital that we agree on and we are trying to respect each other’s wishes whilst Putting the needs of our child first.

Thing is, he thinks he’s doing the best thing by our child but so do I.

He occasionally goes away with work so if I can time it to get it done then, or get it done at another surgery or privately even, then I will. I’m worried that November is too far away and I will never forgive myself if something happens in the meantime.

He's lying.

Come November, he'll have another batshit excuse to keep putting her at risk.

WindFlower92 · 03/08/2020 18:35

The only thing I'd worry about with going behind his back is what would he do if he found out? He doesn't seem the most stable person; would he take your child away from you as you weren't keeping them safe? In his eyes, of course.

pointythings · 03/08/2020 18:36

OP, I think you need to contemplate a move back to your parents for the longer term if that is possible. Your OH is too unwell to be a fit parent right now. If he won't look after his mental health, your relationship has no future. You need to put yourself and your DC first - this vaccine thing will only be the first of many things that will make your lives with him a misery. You can feel sympathy for him, but he needs to do the responsible thing.

Runmybathforme · 03/08/2020 18:43

Why are you putting your child at risk ? You know his opinion is not based in reality, just get it done. This is ridiculous.

GreytExpectations · 03/08/2020 18:46

@MolotovMocktail

Sorry OP but the guy is fucking nuts. He’s not going to change his mind in November because nothing’s going to “come out” because there isn’t anything to come out. And when nothing comes out he will make up another bonkers theory about it because he is fucking nuts. And the whole while your child is at risk of severe illness or death. Get the vaccination, load your child up with calpol and take him away for a couple of day’s straight after. Then ditch the psycho.
The OP does need to put her child's welfare first, I agree with that and she should get the vaccine regardless of her partners thoughts. But what a disgusting way you have just spoken about someone with a mental illness. "fucking nuts" and "psycho", really? Is that how you would refer to anyone would had a mental illness? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Wolfiefan · 03/08/2020 18:46

So you live with him?
He is seriously unwell. He needs to seek help or leave. You can’t allow his paranoia to damage your child.

MissConductUS · 03/08/2020 18:49

Do the jabs leave holes in the arms? Could I get him done at a different surgery - thinking if I take him to stay with my parents for a few days I could get it done then.

Smallpox vaccination would sometimes leave a small scar, but not MMR. Slightly red for a day or two, then nothing. The entry through the skin is tiny. It's usually done in the upper arm but they may be willing to use a less common location if you ask.

SachaStark · 03/08/2020 18:58

Why does he think the US elections are linked to the MMR vaccines, and some kind of truth “coming out”?

SinkGirl · 03/08/2020 19:04

He’s promised that if he’s wrong come November that I can vaccinate then, I don’t think he will go back on that.

But in November he won’t believe he’s wrong. He’ll believe some other conspiracy nonsense about it being covered up.

DuncinToffee · 03/08/2020 19:05

And what if he decides come November that he was right or still undecided? He hasn't promised you anything, he is just wasting time, stringing you along.

And yes what has the MMR got to do with the US elections?

pointythings · 03/08/2020 19:25

I agree that using terms like 'fucking nuts' isn't helpful - might even make OP dig her heels in, cling on and delay vaccinating, which would not be good.

I am sorry you are having such a tough time, OP. I hope your OH will come to realise just how unwell he is and seek help, but for now you need to act in the best interests of your DC.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 03/08/2020 19:38

Are there more issues at play here over and above the vaccination issue? I know you can't force an adult to seek help but at the same time your child's health shouldn't be risked to mollify your partner.

Original poster
Coriandersucks · 03/08/2020 19:39

It’s not directly linked to elections but it’s all about how mainstream media and politics, medicine etc is all a load of rubbish and we are being lied to. The terrible truths will come out over the next few weeks and trump will save us all.

I know, it’s ridiculous but there are a frightening number who believe it and I was hoping it could be just something I roll my eyes at every now and again but the vaccine issue is actually going to have a direct effect on us.

If he wasn’t normal in every other respect I would have left by now, believe me!

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 03/08/2020 19:45

And yes what has the MMR got to do with the US elections?

Absolutely nothing. Never underestimate the lunacy of conspiracy theorists.

There probably won't be a final result on election day because of the vote by mail chaos that's anticipated, so it's a usefully non specific date if you're trying to string someone along.

Zhampagne · 03/08/2020 19:47

Your DH is very unwell and he needs help. You can’t force him to seek it but you can ensure that his illness doesn’t put your child in danger. Please read the thread back. You cannot live like this.

Wolfiefan · 03/08/2020 19:52

He’s seriously unwell. You can’t allow his mental illness to put your child at risk. You do need to leave if he won’t seek treatment.

MissConductUS · 03/08/2020 19:54

If he wasn’t normal in every other respect I would have left by now, believe me!

I'm an HCP and have run into a fair few people who feel that all of modern medicine is a scam. It's sometimes an issue when they turn up in the ED but not sure if they actually want treatment, or want to argue about what treatment they need.

That's fair enough for them. As adults they are free to refuse any medical treatment they like. The difference here is that he's going to continue this idiocy every time your child needs medical care. If you stay with him without getting a clear agreement that your child will always get recommended medical interventions you had better hope that your child never gets ill. I've seen cases where the courts had to order medical treatment for children at serious risk for death because one of the parents had their head up their arse this way.

I also think that the delusional thinking going on here will manifest in other areas of your lives as well.

CelestialSpanking · 03/08/2020 19:57

My child would be having their jab when it is meant to be scheduled, regardless of their father’s mental health issues. I say that as someone with a long history of mental illness. Your child is 3 this is their second dose he’s had plenty of time to research it and your child shouldn’t have risk catching a deadly disease because daddy is paranoid about it all of a sudden. Treat him kindly while he goes through this but don’t risk your child’s health.

SachaStark · 03/08/2020 19:58

Agreed with MissConduct: what will happen if you agree to this, and validate his paranoia?

What would happen if, god in heaven forbid, your child were ever to need a blood transfusion, or chemotherapy? Would he object to this, also?

Charleyhorses · 03/08/2020 20:02

Well the answer to your question is obviously until the moment they contract those illnesses.

berryhead2013 · 03/08/2020 20:07

Ask the pharmacy for an old copy of the bnf they sometimes have them lying around that has every drug in the British formulary and is what the docs use when prescribing or a mimms you can also access the bnf online I think

berryhead2013 · 03/08/2020 20:08

Or just get it done and don't tell him it's too important

Sailingblue · 03/08/2020 20:09

For god sake he is delusional (and I say this as a child of a parent with mental illness). What he is saying is so clearly batshit that nothing will change in November. What you are doing though is putting your son at risk. There is nothing magic about November that will change safety or efficacy data about the MMr.

I would say quite frankly you need to protect your son. I knew from the age of 4 my mother was different. He will know soon.

AlternativePerspective · 03/08/2020 20:10

I wouldn’t be pandering to this.

And I’m sorry, but “he’s mentally ill” isn’t an excuse for putting his child at risk. Too many people are allowed to do whatever they want, abuse the people around them with no consequence because “they are mentally ill.” And it makes a mockery of those who are genuinely mentally ill and seeking help for it, because if one person does it, then there’s a chance people will label anyone with MH issues as one of “those types.”

I absolutely would go behind his back and get it done, and yes, if it was the other way around I would say exactly the same.

And then I would tell him I’d had it done and he should leave.

And no, he won’t take your child away, there is not a court in the land who would award residency to a cult conspiracy theorist who wanted to prevent his child from being vaccinated.

But this won’t be the end of it. Your DD will need other vaccinations as she grows up, is he going to stop those too? Put her at risk of cervical cancer?

If he loved his child then he wouldn’t be doing this. I wouldn’t stand for it and it would be game over for me. And I would tell him as much. If he couldn’t handle that then he knows where the door is.

GoldenOmber · 03/08/2020 20:14

Is he into QAnon? You aren't going to be able to reason him round if he is. They'll just move the goalposts to somewhere else come November.