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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 03/08/2020 06:31

You’ve admitted that it’s not the first time so I expect that your husband is making a point.

Just don’t be late then you wouldn’t have this drama in the first place.

NoParticularPattern · 03/08/2020 06:33

You agreed a precise time. You didn’t have a conversation that went “oh let’s leave in 20 ish minutes” you had a conversation that went “we are leaving at 4.30”. You then proceeded to be late despite agreeing. If you wanted him to shout up to you when he was leaving then why did you go to all the bother of having a conversation to agree a specific time? If you then weren’t going to bother looking at your phone/watch/clock and make sure you stuck to it? You can sit there and say that you don’t do it all the time but his approach to this speaks volumes about the fact that you probably do and you probably also don’t even realise you’re doing it. He’s right. You’re an adult not a toddler. Keep an eye on the time.

ExclamationPerfume · 03/08/2020 06:37

I can't abide lateness. You agreed a time and then didn't stick to it.

camelsandcaramel · 03/08/2020 06:41

@Newdaynewname1

Did you call down “sorry, will be 5 min late”? if not, you are the rude one as a time was agreed and you chose to keep everyone waiting without warning.
Agreed!!
Brefugee · 03/08/2020 06:44

the one who is bing discourteous here is you by not keeping track of the time and being a latecomer. You think everyone enjoys waiting for you? I think they think you're wasting their time (see countless discussions about lateness here)

Is it completely beyond you to shout, about 2 minutes before leaving time that you're going to be 20 minutes more? Frankly if i were your DH I'd have left...

Oysterbabe · 03/08/2020 06:44

My husband is chronic faffer and utterly incapable of leaving at an agreed time. It's the main reason I might end up patioing him. Sorry, I'm with him. You should have been ready at the agreed time and all he did was wait in the car, it's not like he screamed abuse.

pilates · 03/08/2020 06:45

A nice bit of deflection there op, you were late for a “special” birthday. I hate being late it’s disrespectful.

wildcherries · 03/08/2020 06:45

This has happened before

I'd be annoyed, too. Set an alarm if you need to be reminded.

snappycamper · 03/08/2020 06:48

You haven't got a leg to stand on here OP.

YABU

CopperBeeches · 03/08/2020 07:01

YABU - it isn't the time so much as the abdication of responsibility. I have a teen like that, (I am training him). I am sick of calling up the stairs, ("we are leaving in 5 minutes" "We are ready to go now, can you come down" "I'm getting in the car now")... You are not a child.

It is not everyone else's repsonsibility to make sure you can do what you want up to the very last second while they lock up, get the car out, check the tv is off - or whatever - and all you have to do is be called down to get in the car.

Mydogisthebestest · 03/08/2020 07:06

Why did you agree a specific time to leave, and then not warn everyone you weren’t going to be ready? You were the one who was up doing your make up etc and took Too long.

damnthatanxiety · 03/08/2020 07:07

Nope. I'm with him. My DH is ALWAYS the last one ready. He starts to do the 'final' stuff (last minute pee, find his coat, put on his shoes etc) once we are all waiting. Drives me mad. He faffs about until the last minute so we are always waiting for him. It is so damn rude - as if his time is more valuable than everyone elses. So now I do what your DH does. I sit in the car. Better than hovering around in a rage. If we have been extra specific about the leaving time and he is doing his usual last minute routine, I have even been known to leave without him. I am over waiting for him every freaking time we go anywhere.

LilaButterfly · 03/08/2020 07:09

It seems very petty, but if you are late a lot maybe he is just over it.

Mydogisthebestest · 03/08/2020 07:09

My ex used to do this and it drove me potty. I wouldn’t be with someone who did this now. It’s a red flag in my opinion.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 03/08/2020 07:10

I hate lateness too, but seriously, how difficult is it to call up the stairs “I’m getting kids in the car!” Not very.

sammylady37 · 03/08/2020 07:12

I agree, it’s like he wants to punish Op and shame her somehow in front of the dc to have them all sat waiting in the car to teach her a lesson or something. Weirdo

Or maybe he’s utterly sick of pandering to the op and her lateness, and yes wanted to make the points that 1. Everyone else can be ready on time and 2. She’s inconveniencing everyone else by being late.

This reaction isn’t borne out of one incident, it’s borne out of many such episodes and utter frustration. I would suspect that other strategies he’s tried haven’t worked so he’s resorted to this.

A friend of mine is always late. (Except of course if it’s something she seems suitable important). I’m sick of spending my time waiting around for her. So I no longer do it. The first time I left our hotel at the prearranged time, despite her not being there yet, wasn’t a reaction to a one-off lateness, it was total frustration at the fact I’d been waiting for her multiple times per day for a number of days at that stage, and each time was met with “sorry I’m late” and a shrug. I had simply had enough. I imagine op’s husband to be similar.

Fifthtimelucky · 03/08/2020 07:12

The fact that you arrived early is irrelevant. You agreed what time to leave, presumably building in enough time for traffic delays etc, and that's the time you should have been ready.

I would never just go and get in the car without shouting a reminder, but think given that the precise departure time was agreed only 20 minutes in advance, a call upstairs should have been unnecessary.

If we're going somewhere, we usually agree a leaving time much further in advance than 20 minutes. As an example, I'm going somewhere with my daughter this afternoon and we agreed last night what time we would leave.

In her case, I won't need to, as she's never late, but if I was going out with my other daughter I would give her a 'don't forget we're leaving in half an hour' reminder, followed by a '5 minute warning' call.

If we agreed to leave in 20 minutes' time, I'd expect her to be ready, though I would still give the reminder. In principle I agree with your husband that that would be treating her like a child (which she isn't) but it's more effective!

Mydogisthebestest · 03/08/2020 07:13

@Whichoneofyoudidthat

I hate lateness too, but seriously, how difficult is it to call up the stairs “I’m getting kids in the car!” Not very.
What difference would that make? She still wouldn’t have been ready.

And why can’t the op take responsibility for doing what she agreed? And why is it ok for her to show her partner absolutely no respect by abiding by what was jointly agreed?

sammylady37 · 03/08/2020 07:14

*wtf is sinister to me, is that he's choosing to sit there quietly seething, making his point. There's something controlled about his anger and behaviour.

We wait forever for dh, so I do get it, but I just shout up: ffs get a fucking move on, we're all waiting! I wouldn't quietly go and and sit in the car at a pre-arranged time. It would make me look lile a petty twat and probably cause a row. We are in the same household*

I’d prefer ‘controlled anger’ to someone shouting expletives at me in my own home, tbh.

damnthatanxiety · 03/08/2020 07:15

@TehBewilderness

He has the kids help him punish you for being late. What an asshat.
where does it say anyone 'punished' anyone? Everyone was ready so they sat waiting in the car. What would you prefer? That they stand in a line like the Von Trapp family? If everyone waits around for the late person, people drift off and then it gets even more frustrating.Nope, getting the kids in the car is by far the most reasonable thing. Not sure why you think this was some big group punishment.
JassyRadlett · 03/08/2020 07:16

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

So you’re ok with keeping the family waiting in the house, but not keeping them waiting in the car? What’s the difference?

damnthatanxiety · 03/08/2020 07:18

[quote Bmidreams]@sammylady37 wtf is sinister to me, is that he's choosing to sit there quietly seething, making his point. There's something controlled about his anger and behaviour.

We wait forever for dh, so I do get it, but I just shout up: ffs get a fucking move on, we're all waiting! I wouldn't quietly go and and sit in the car at a pre-arranged time. It would make me look lile a petty twat and probably cause a row. We are in the same household.[/quote]
what is sinister about controlling ones anger. I'd rather a partner had the capacity to control their anger rather than scream expletives at me. Controlling ones anger is something more people should master. Otherwise it becomes abuse.

IncrediblySadToo · 03/08/2020 07:18

@printmeanicephoto

Yes, in my world it's normal to call out to others that you're getting in the car now are they nearly ready.

Your DH sounds like an infuriating twat

I wouldn't live with someone who would rather be a mardy arse than say, 'Are you nearly ready love?- it's time to go'

I'm not sure if it's due to LD/CV or what, but the replies to your post are not what's have been previously. People are getting weird.

DappledThings · 03/08/2020 07:18

YABU. Everyone else was ready at the agreed time so they carried on to the very point of departure where they then had to wait for you.

If your make up is that important to you you need to have factored in the extra time. It's not like he drove off without you.

oakleaffy · 03/08/2020 07:21

Our dad used to wait in the car..with revving. {not very ''green''}

OP, you would have known the rest of the family had gone from the house by the silence that descends..

Being late IS disrespectful, and drives many people dotty.

It can become a habit .

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