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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 02:21

... It seems that most people on here don't think it's weird to not call up the stairs before leaving the house. I think it's really weird ... but maybe that's just me (and a few of you).

OP posts:
Butiwantto · 03/08/2020 02:22

...maybe because they weren’t “leaving now” Hmm
They didn’t go anywhere, they were sat in the car waiting for you to get a shift on - why would you need him to inform you they were waiting in the car (as opposed to indoors)? You knew they were waiting for you didn’t you?

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 02:23

No. I had assumed they were all still getting ready in the house!

OP posts:
Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 02:24

...otherwise I assumed they would have told me they were getting in the car.

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 03/08/2020 02:25

If you are always late then I can see why he did it.

Tough shite, get yourself ready on time next time.

mrsramblings · 03/08/2020 02:25

I go, get in the car stating so as I walk out the house although I'm practically at the car and still using inside voice. I would leave without you if you were going to make us late. Only reasonable excuse for lateness is medical emergency otherwise get your shit together and be early. You're better off being 15minutes early than ever 1 minute late.

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 02:26

As I've said before I am not always late!!

OP posts:
Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 02:27

...and we were about 15 mins early to the pub.

OP posts:
TehBewilderness · 03/08/2020 02:35

He has the kids help him punish you for being late.
What an asshat.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 02:43

I'm with you op.

Basically he wanted to have a reason to be pissed off at you. If he wanted to make sure you all left on time, he would have said something as he left. It's not micro managing, it's just normal communication.

Instead he decided to go out and sit and see how long you would take. He set you up to 'fail' .

How did the kids know to leave? Did they just see him had to the car? I bet he told them it was time to go.

StoppinBy · 03/08/2020 02:59

@ChangeThePassword are you suggesting that OP needs to be treated like a child?

The kids were likely told it was time to get in the car because they are.....kids. Op is an adult, one half of the adult team in their family. I highly doubt no matter what she says that this was a once off, it's far more likely her husband is sick of reminding her it's time to go and decided that this time he wasn't going to chase her up.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 03/08/2020 02:59

You're both being silly. You shouldn't make everyone wait for you by being late and he shouldn't be so bloody petty to not even shout upstairs that they're getting in the car.

FortunesFave · 03/08/2020 03:04

YABU. My DH is chronically "Just a few minutes" late which is MASSIVELY disrespectful to everyone.

I go and sit in the car with the kids to wait for him because I refuse to hang about the house like a twat while he runs about saying "Oh I forgot to brush my teeth"

HOW do you forget that!??

You were late. Why should he call you to tell you??

FortunesFave · 03/08/2020 03:05

I can't believe people think OP is reasonable. She's an adult! With a phone to tell the time.

Why should the husband wait around in the house? It's a weird way of looking at things.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 03:08

are you suggesting that OP needs to be treated like a child?

They are teenagers, not three year olds. And imo teenagers should be treated, where appropriate, as adults.

Are you suggesting that people should never communicate something more than once to another adult? And instead just seethe because the other adult is human and forgot or lost track of time?

In my opinion the husband is the one behaving like a child. It's just common courtesy to communicate basic information like 'we are going to the car' rather than going out quietly and getting pissed off because the other person wasn't aware.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 03:10

I didn't say the op was reasonable. I said the DH is unreasonable for not communicating.

That's not the same thing.

022828MAN · 03/08/2020 03:13

I hate lateness, yabu

Andylion · 03/08/2020 03:17

He has the kids help him punish you for being late.
What an asshat.

How is waiting in the car punishing the OP?

Justpassingthroughagain · 03/08/2020 03:25

My DH does this type of thing (the being late and faffing around in the house for no good reason when its gone time to leave). I also wait in the car with DD. Its because he is running laps of the house and its better off to be out of it in the car rather than get hurdled on the stairs.

What's the point calling up? If you were done you'd have been down, if you weren't, the what where you going to do? Leave with half your face paint on?

Just sort yourself out in the future!

remainin · 03/08/2020 03:38

Would it have killed him to give you a shout before getting into the car? Hmm

FortunesFave · 03/08/2020 03:44

But WHY did the husband need to communicate that he was getting in the car??

The OP knew the time she was meant to be ready. Yet she failed to check the clock...so she was at fault.

She should have known the time and gone to the car.

Crumpets111 · 03/08/2020 03:46

First world problems OP, manage your time better next time.

Pheasantplucker2 · 03/08/2020 03:53

I think you need to clarify a few things OP.

Are you habitually just a few minutes late when you've agreed a leaving time, and if so, why is that?

Were you dashing around sorting everyone else and everything out with no help from your OH, leaving you with no time to get ready?

Or does everyone sort themselves out and still have to wait for you?

I am baffled that you didn't hear them leave. My bedroom is upstairs and at the back of the house; I would still hear the front door open and shut and the sudden lack of chatter.

It sounds as though either your DH is controlling and PA or you are habitually late and he's had enough. You haven't given us enough information to clarify either way.

The suggestion that you'd agreed a time which gave you more than enough time to get there, and you keep reiterating that you were early to the pub would indicate that you're always "just a few minutes late" and he's had enough. But to me it makes a great difference as to whether that's because you're always left to sort the wifework or because you are chronically incapable of being on time.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 03:57

But WHY did the husband need to communicate that he was getting in the car??

He didn't NEED to.

But the alternative was choosing to sit in the car getting pissed off at the fact op wasn't in the car. Had he said he was leaving, there was the possibility that he wouldn't have had to wait quite so long.

That was the choice he knowingly made by leaving quietly.

As a general observation (not aimed at any individual post) its interesting that despite op admitting in her very first post on the thread that she was in the wrong, people are piling on to tell her she was. She knows that!

camelsandcaramel · 03/08/2020 04:03

Lateness is rudeness! You clearly made an agreement and broke your side. Either learn to 'put your slap on' quicker or at least have the decency to communicate with your family and explain you need a few more minutes.

Team husband all the way!

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