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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
grissomsbugs · 03/08/2020 04:03

As an adult it's up to you to be your own time keeper. But your OH could of also shouted up.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 04:08

at least have the decency to communicate

So you think the op, having lost track of time by a few minutes, should have the decency to communicate something that she wasn't aware of, but it's perfectly fine for the husband to not communicate something that he was fully aware of?

How does that make any logical sense?

steff13 · 03/08/2020 04:09

So basically they waited for you in the car instead of in the house.

camelsandcaramel · 03/08/2020 04:12

@ChangeThePassword

at least have the decency to communicate

So you think the op, having lost track of time by a few minutes, should have the decency to communicate something that she wasn't aware of, but it's perfectly fine for the husband to not communicate something that he was fully aware of?

How does that make any logical sense?

It makes sense because they agreed a very specific time! We've all got phones and watches, keep an eye on time! If she needed 5 more minutes she should of yelled down stairs instead of DH having to yell upstairs. He was sticking to the family plan
ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 04:17

Interesting to see that most households seem to run on set times to military precision!

It makes no sense to tell someone that has lost track of time to communicate that they will be a couple of minutes late, no matter how you spin it!

Do you think it's fine for the husband to quietly leave without saying anything and then be annoyed at op for not realising straight away? The failure to be on time is the ops. She's not asking about that. The failure to communicate is her DH's.

heartsonacake · 03/08/2020 04:34

YABU. You’re a grown adult perfectly capable of being on time; he shouldn’t be having to remind you.

You may think it doesn’t happen all the time but if it’s got to this stage it’s likely you don’t realise how rude and disrespectful your lateness is.

streamlinedcaverns · 03/08/2020 04:42

Yabu, why couldn't you just be ready on time ? Your dh is right.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 04:45

Your dh is right.
Right to quietly go to the car without saying anything and then be cross at op for not realising they'd gone and so keeping them waiting?

Op knows she was wrong to be late, that wasn't the question.

Yeahnahmum · 03/08/2020 05:06

Your lateness is annoying , especially after agreeing a precise time to leave . But his reaction is petty and juvenile .

melj1213 · 03/08/2020 05:09

I want to know how your DH got himself and the kids ready to go, shoes and (presumably) coats on, out of the house and into the car in such utter silence that you didn't notice they were gone until at least 5 minutes past the time you specifically agreed to have left by.

Whatever his secret is, you need to make him share it because there is no way on Gods earth that my DD could leave our house without me knowing about it. If it's not the "Muuuuum! Have you seen my purple trainers?" or the running back to her room for a forgotten lipgloss or rummaging in the hall unit for her keys or knocking something off the coat hooks as she gets her coat it's the slamming of the door behind her that gives away her exit ... and that's without the fact that the house is suddenly silent as she turns off her music/podcasts/TV shows on the way out.

The fact that your DH didnt shout up to say "Its the kids and I are getting in the car" shows that this is not a one off. In fact the deciding on a specific leaving time and them all walking out at the specified time without telling you makes me assume that lateness is not a new thing and your family are clearly tired of having to remind you.

Monty27 · 03/08/2020 05:12

They're clearly pissed off with you not sticking to your own rules. I would be.

Bmidreams · 03/08/2020 05:22

He's making a point, op. Something a bit sinister about that...

Newdaynewname1 · 03/08/2020 05:23

Did you call down “sorry, will be 5 min late”? if not, you are the rude one as a time was agreed and you chose to keep everyone waiting without warning.

Newdaynewname1 · 03/08/2020 05:30

Let’s try to turn this around to a female poster with a late husband:
We agreed on a specific time to leave. I got everybody ready, we went to the car as I expected him to behave like an adult and come down on time.
He left us waiting in the car for 5 minutes to sort out his hair (takes him forever), and then had a tantrum we didn’t remind him! He never said anything that he needed more time.
Answers would be somewhere along the lines of “leave the manchild”, “get rid of the cocklodger”,

sammylady37 · 03/08/2020 05:34

You are being completely and utterly unreasonable. Someone frequently being late and others having to wait around for them is rude, tiresome and disrespectful. Particularly when there’s a fixed commitment such as the 80th to her to. I can’t blame your DH for wanting to ensure he and his family weren’t trudging in late to that, keeping everyone waiting, possibly causing a disturbance depending on the set-up etc. You’ve made the point a few times that you were early to the lunch, as if that makes your lateness ok. It doesn’t. It simply means that your DH has planned appropriately for the journey, allowing for unexpected events/emergencies (you putting on your ‘slap’ is neither, btw).

And you say this doesn’t happen all the time yet you say in op that it’s happened before. I bet it happens quite frequently, more so than you will admit. People who are constantly late always seem to minimize how often they’re late and how late they are.

sammylady37 · 03/08/2020 05:35

Wtf is ‘sinister’ about him making the point that the op is making the entire family late by her thoughtlessness?

rwalker · 03/08/2020 05:47

Hilarious just admit your wrong . You say only 5 minutes but to be sat waiting for 5 minute will of felt a lot longer .
Just plain rude of you

Watdafark · 03/08/2020 05:53

Let him swim out to sea, then unleash your harpoon.

remainin · 03/08/2020 06:03

I don't understand this. Five minutes is nothing in this instance. Lives weren't at risk, so what's the point of getting in a flap?

Mintjulia · 03/08/2020 06:03

He’s being ridiculous. It would have taken no effort to call up the stairs. And he must have told your children not to call you. That’s nothing short of weird.

Bmidreams · 03/08/2020 06:03

@sammylady37 wtf is sinister to me, is that he's choosing to sit there quietly seething, making his point. There's something controlled about his anger and behaviour.

We wait forever for dh, so I do get it, but I just shout up: ffs get a fucking move on, we're all waiting! I wouldn't quietly go and and sit in the car at a pre-arranged time. It would make me look lile a petty twat and probably cause a row. We are in the same household.

Bleepbloopblarp · 03/08/2020 06:06

wtf is sinister to me, is that he's choosing to sit there quietly seething, making his point. There's something controlled about his anger and behaviour

I agree, it’s like he wants to punish Op and shame her somehow in front of the dc to have them all sat waiting in the car to teach her a lesson or something. Weirdo.

ScubaSteven · 03/08/2020 06:21

YABU, your family didn’t leave, they just got in the car at the time you all agreed to be ready. You were the one who wasn’t ready at that time and so you should have communicated that. Maybe if they knew you were running late they wouldn’t have got in the car, if they were going to ignore the agreed time like you did then what would have been the point of arranging it?

You’re in the wrong here, you should have communicated that you were running late.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/08/2020 06:26

@Bleepbloopblarp

wtf is sinister to me, is that he's choosing to sit there quietly seething, making his point. There's something controlled about his anger and behaviour

I agree, it’s like he wants to punish Op and shame her somehow in front of the dc to have them all sat waiting in the car to teach her a lesson or something. Weirdo.

This is how I am reading it. You’ve had a pile on, where people seem to have digested you were 20 mins late and surmised you are often 20 mins late. And ignored that he is passive aggressive quite often.

“Team Dh” ffs idk who said this to a woman, who has a dh problem. Confused

Pamelaaaaa · 03/08/2020 06:27

Not being ready is fucking annoying and disrespectful.

Why should op's dh call up to tell her they are ready any more than she should call down to tell them she's not! She's the one going against what they've already agreed.

I will agree a time to leave with dh, he'll then see me getting ready 5/10 mins before then and getting dd ready. At the leaving time I'll then be ready and he'll then start getting ready. Meaning we're often then sat in the car while he's taking another 5 mins.
I've often said to him that he can see us getting ready, he should too. Not wait until the leaving time to get ready. In his head getting ready doesn't take time though. But putting the dog away, checking the back is locked (he does this even if I have), finding his phone, putting his shoes on plus remembering something last minute he needs rather than planning this beforehand all adds up.