Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
PregnantAndTiredMum · 03/08/2020 00:58

It sounds like he's fed up with you being late tbh.

EBearhug · 03/08/2020 00:58

Yes, you're unreasonable not to keep better time, because that is really irritating. But I would also expect someone say, "we're going in 5 minutes, are you nearly ready?" - especially if this has been brought up before. They have the option of reducing their irritation, by encouraging you to hurry up. Yes, they shouldn't have to, but it seems a better option to me than sitting in the car getting increasingly passed off. But it also seems normal to me to just say, "we're getting in the car now, so you'll have to lock the door." Getting in the car without anyone saying anything is a bit odd to me.

giantangryrooster · 03/08/2020 01:00

All those things (loading dishwasher etc.) doesn't have to be last minute, and incidentally I did all of those things and my dh still didn't start preparing until we were all standing by the front door, ready to go.

But op are you one of those people, who are notoriously late for everything?

LimpidPools · 03/08/2020 01:03

A drink and a snack each seems a bit unnecessary for an hour's drive to a lunch venue Grin

OP, how late are we talking? A yell up the stairs would be sensible as well as courteous. Unless your husband and kids particularly enjoy sitting in stuffy cars for unspecified periods of time?

He's being a prat.I have

AnneOfQueenSables · 03/08/2020 01:05

As a PP said, shouting wouldn't have made a difference. You'd still have been late. At least everyone else being in the car clawed back a little time. You're expecting everyone else to modify their behaviour to cope with your lateness. That's an unreasonable ask.

TW2013 · 03/08/2020 01:08

I am just highlighting what happens in our house, dh obliviously wafting around playing guitar all morning then saying we need to leave now, when I have been dashing around all morning and still the jobs aren't done (yes I do like to have the breakfast things in the dishwasher before we go out). IF it is like that in OP's house then I am suggesting recruiting everyone to help out an hour before so she has time to get ready too. It has really helped over the years to equalise the load.

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/08/2020 01:14

God, we all like to have the breakfast things in the dishwasher before we go out...

There's just no possible need for all that frenetic activity in the brief period of time before you leave for a lunch engagement.
Wrapping presents. Organising snacks. Hanging washing.
Jesus. Just get up earlier, maybe?

Giraffey1 · 03/08/2020 01:19

Sorry, but I think you are the one is being unreasonable here. You obviously have form for this. Lateness can be really annoying and I think it’s rather disrespectful. Perhaps you need to be a bit more organised and make the effort to be on time.

AfterSchoolWorry · 03/08/2020 01:24

Reverse?

Dillydallyingthrough · 03/08/2020 01:27

I think your unreasonable to be late and its pathetic for him not to call that they are getting in the car.

However this sounds as if it happens all of the time and that is at the end of his patience, and in that case he is not unreasonable. Your teens can manage it, I'm sure you can.

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 01:28

I was 5 minutes late getting in the car. We arrived at the pub early.

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 03/08/2020 01:29

@printmeanicephoto

I was 5 minutes late getting in the car. We arrived at the pub early.
Confused What a ridiculous drama about fuck all...
tankflybos · 03/08/2020 01:30

YABU and you're the one who needs to show some courtesy

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 01:30

No it doesn't happen all the time.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 03/08/2020 01:34

What difference would it have made with a shout up the stairs, you may have still been putting your lipstick on or something, but you knew the time planned for leaving, and should have got a move on , and then your Husband wouldn't have been blamed for not shouting up the stairs !!

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 01:35

Yes, stupid him getting cross over 5 mins! I agree!

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 03/08/2020 01:39

I would have been annoyed at you too. YABU because it is rude to be late. You kept your family waiting when you had agreed a time to set off. How did you not notice the house had gone quiet?

Antipodeancousin · 03/08/2020 01:41

I think you are probably routinely late and unreliable and it’s driving him mad. You don’t seem to be very self reflective in your responses here so I imagine he has reached the point where he feels he needs to take a stand and sit passive aggressively in the car waiting for you. You’re upset because he’s shown you up by doing it.

blosstree · 03/08/2020 01:42

Op I know you're saying it doesn't happen all the time but it really does sound as if the rest of your family have grown sick of waiting for you and that they've decided to make a point and just go to the car.

You agreed on the time, you admitted you went over the agreed time. Your husband is right you're not a toddler, why do you need to be called on when the discussion of when you're leaving has already been had?

If this was a wife saying her husband did this there'd be calls of LTB

CuppaZa · 03/08/2020 01:48

I was expecting to read that they drove off and left you. They were literally waiting in the car for you, at a previously agreed time! Why should he have to micro-manage you?
It was his Mother’s 80th.

KylieKoKo · 03/08/2020 01:54

This just seems a bit odd to me
If I'm going somewhere with dp and kids we generally communicate with each other so if it's nearly time to leave one of us will say let's get ready to go. I can't imagine either of us getting into the car without saying anything m

gingerbits · 03/08/2020 01:59

I’m with your DH here

sageandroses · 03/08/2020 01:59

@KylieKoKo you have to wonder what's led up to that point though

Agree with @Antipodeancousin

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/08/2020 02:04

DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave

Why? What was the point of agreeing a precise time if you meant approximate time OP?Confused

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 02:09

Can I just repeat I was a few mins late (about 5 mins) getting into the car (not 20 mins as some have said - think they've misread my original post). We arrived at the pub early. No, it doesn't happen all the time. No I didn't hear them leave the house. I just can't compute the passive aggressiveness of not shouting up "we're leaving now". He is passive aggressive quite often though just in general.

OP posts: