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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 03/08/2020 07:21

I'm with your DH, sorry. I hate people being late.

isabellerossignol · 03/08/2020 07:22

This sounds like a drama about nothing. They didn't leave without you. We do this all the time in our house, one of us is ready before the other, that person gathers up the kids and gets everyone into the car and leaves the key in the door for the other person to lock.

Kisskiss · 03/08/2020 07:22

My husband is always the late one. I shout up the stairs when it’s the agreed time, but it majes zero difference as hes simply not ready.
It can get very irritating for the person who is always waiting as you are wasting their time.

Shouting up after him ALL the time does make me feel like he’s a toddler so I actually can empathise with your husbabd!

20viona · 03/08/2020 07:23

I'd say YABU you should be able to tell the time and know when you're late.

Babs709 · 03/08/2020 07:30

Whether they decided to sit in the car an hour early, whether you were running an hour late, whether you were running five hours late.... really weird not to shout “we are getting in the car now!”.

My DH is always late, if I wasn’t in the house yelling the time at him constantly then we’d probably be so late for stuff there would be no point showing up.

Mydogisthebestest · 03/08/2020 07:31

@Babs709

Whether they decided to sit in the car an hour early, whether you were running an hour late, whether you were running five hours late.... really weird not to shout “we are getting in the car now!”.

My DH is always late, if I wasn’t in the house yelling the time at him constantly then we’d probably be so late for stuff there would be no point showing up.

I did all that with my ex.

I will never do it again. If you can’t be on time, without a reasonable excuse (eg he was picking me up the other day and there were roadworks and he was delayed and rang to say so) then you don’t respect and value me and we are not compatible.

Mydogisthebestest · 03/08/2020 07:32

Plus. Why do I have to be your PA?

It’s a mental load for another adult I’m not prepared to take on.

Cam77 · 03/08/2020 07:33

If it’s an isolated behavioral thing then his behavior is nuts! Or is this part of some wider ongoing battle over “who does the most” or “whos more organized”?

ThickFast · 03/08/2020 07:33

It makes sense for him to have got everyone in the car on time. Takes at least 5-10 minutes to strap everyone in and fanny around for a bit. He shouldn’t have to call up to tell you he’s leaving as you can tell the time yourself and also if I was getting in the car I’d expect that my husband would be able to hear me leaving. Also, I agree your house must be massive for you not to have heard them leaving. Three people leaving the house is noisy!

MitziK · 03/08/2020 07:33

We used to do this when DD1 was 'ready'. I was sick of saying 'can you get dressed now?', 'we're leaving at quarter past, so you need to do your hair and makeup now if you're going to' 'ten minutes', 'five minutes', 'come on, we should be leaving now', 'how much longer, we're waiting for you' -

and for some reason 'shift your fucking arse, the world doesn't revolve around you and your fucking hair straighteners, you're 45 minutes late and you're taking the fucking piss out of us, so fucking move before I chuck them out of the fucking window' sounded better kept in my head than snarled at her.

So we went and waited in the car.

I'd have gone without you. She was 14, not an adult.

RedCatBlueCat · 03/08/2020 07:35

@printmeanicephoto

...and we were about 15 mins early to the pub.
DH is never ready at whatever agreed time we are going to leave. So I have to tell him we are leaving 15 mins earlier than we actually are just to leave when we need to. If he was "only" 5 mins late, we would arrive early. You Husband is compensating for your habitual tardiness.
DDiva · 03/08/2020 07:35

Lateness is very frustrating, theres no reason to not realise you're running late.

Your husband was being petty but if you had been on time or at least aware of the other people in your household this problem wouldn't have occurred.

Grandmi · 03/08/2020 07:37

Can only presume you are late regularly and your husband and children are getting fed up ! The fact you had a chat about the precise time of departure and the fact all the family went to the car without calling out,
suggests they are loosing their patience!

JassyRadlett · 03/08/2020 07:39

Takes at least 5-10 minutes to strap everyone in and fanny around for a bit.

The kids are teenagers so hopefully can sort out their own seatbelts.

But even if they were small how on earth does it take 5-10 minutes to get strapped in and start driving?

Babs709 · 03/08/2020 07:39

I did all that with my ex.

I will never do it again. If you can’t be on time, without a reasonable excuse (eg he was picking me up the other day and there were roadworks and he was delayed and rang to say so) then you don’t respect and value me and we are not compatible.

Perhaps that was the situation with your ex, but it certainly isn’t with me and my husband. He respects me just fine. He’s just a late person. I’m not going to throw away a perfectly good marriage because of it. And I’m not going to waste my energy getting upset by it.

KatherineJaneway · 03/08/2020 07:45

It's normal to shout up. Clearly he was being passive aggressive and wound himself up the longer he waited in the car.

Having said that I dislike lateness. If I was running behind the agreed time, I would have said something.

LynetteScavo · 03/08/2020 07:45

They were sitting in the car no key waiting for you. I bet they were all happily looking at their phones. Your DH had also left you the key. I hate it when I decide not to bring my key and then I have to ask DH if I can have his and walk back to the house to lock up. I really don't see an issue as you'd already decided a time to leave. If you hadn't agreed a time, I agree it would be a bit weird. If you hadn't agreed what time to leave.

I'd bee more annoyed if DH had shouted up the stairs as I'd feel he was rushing me.

Laiste · 03/08/2020 07:47

YABU.
Sorry i've only scanned the thread but YABU and the sitting in the car thing is what i do to DD3 now (21) if she's STILL sitting up there putting her make up on 10 mins after we were supposed to have left.

She hates it and every time i do it she stops being slow for a few months. I'd rather sit comfy in the car and wait than hop about in the hall.

fuzzyduck1 · 03/08/2020 07:48

If you was constantly late for work you’d be sacked.
You are an adult so act like one

Candyfloss99 · 03/08/2020 07:48

Hmmm I would have probably called up and said but really it's your fault for being 5 minutes late. Being late is extremely rude.

Laiste · 03/08/2020 07:49

OH and i DONT leave the key in the door for her i make her walk back up the drive with mine or go back in the house for her own!

dottiedodah · 03/08/2020 07:50

I think with proper planning then it should be possible not to be late.If we are going somewhere ,then I now tell DH meet up time is 20 mins earlier than he thinks!Honestly I find it annoying and unnecessary as well .Sorry!

Ikeepbuyinganimals · 03/08/2020 07:50

You've done it too many times before by the sounds of it and he's finally got fed up.

But as someone said above, if it is usually because you've fitted a damn sight more crap jobs in that no-one has helped with then you need to tell them to help with those in future to get everyone out the door in time.

rookiemere · 03/08/2020 07:53

Well I guess it worked - you aren't going to be late again.

It was a family do for his side of the family, a time to leave had been agreed. He ensured everyone else was ready at the allotted time. Perhaps his actions were a bit passive aggressive but personally I'd rather be him in this story than the adult who lost track of time because they were putting on make up.

Staplemaple · 03/08/2020 07:56

wtf is sinister to me, is that he's choosing to sit there quietly seething, making his point. There's something controlled about his anger and behaviour. We wait forever for dh, so I do get it, but I just shout up: ffs get a fucking move on, we're all waiting! I wouldn't quietly go and and sit in the car at a pre-arranged time. It would make me look lile a petty twat and probably cause a row. We are in the same household

I would say that sitting in the car at a pre arranged time is more appropriate than shouting expletives. Why is he is always late? Honestly can't abide someone that cannot be arsed to make an effort to be ready in time.