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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 03/08/2020 15:20

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

You were already keeping the family 'waiting' due to your lack of timekeeping - right after you'd agreed a time to leave!
So it's all about you and your feelings eh?
Sod everyone else, they can just revolve around you????

They were sat in the bloody car - not like they drove off!
You claim to feel bad about keeping the family waiting in the car....but you expected them to sit in the house waiting on you cos then that way you don't feel bad for it?
They took the initiative to wait in the car cos they were ready on the time agreed - and you got pissed off cos it makes VERY obvious who is holding everyone up????

Sounds to me like you just don't want it to be apparent and obvious that you were guilty of being 'late'.
Most people would have just said apologized for holding everyone up once they got in the car -not tried to project their own guilt onto innocent parties.
What's a few minutes anyway? 5 minutes is nothing so why all the pressure over it?

i'm guessing timekeeping/keeping people waiting happens more regularly than you care to admit....and by keeping them IN the house whilst you faff around makes YOU feel like you're not in the wrong about anything.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 15:31

Wheres the poor communication?

He left the house without saying anything.

I thought that was pretty obvious.

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 15:38

How am I minimizing if I have admitted a number of times that my 5 minute lateness into the car was my fault?

OP posts:
RyanBergarasTeeth · 03/08/2020 15:39

No its not obvious. He told her the time they were leaving and she chose to ignore it. The communication issue is entirely on the ops head.

penberrh · 03/08/2020 15:40

Why does your husband have to remind you it’s time to go? Why can’t you take responsibility for yourself? You say it’s happened before - it obviously pisses him off. It would piss me off too - he’s not your parent, take responsibility for yourself.

Intelinside57 · 03/08/2020 15:47

Yep, my partner is constantly late being ready to leave. It might only be 5 or 10 minutes but boy does it grate after 20 years. I'm not his mother and I don't want to be chasing after him every time. Yes, I have been found sitting in the car listening to the radio on more than one occasion. I think your partner decided it was time to make a point.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 15:48

No its not obvious. He told her the time they were leaving and she chose to ignore it. The communication issue is entirely on the ops head

Nonsense. The failure to be on time is entirely ops fault. She even says that herself. I don't understand why everyone is focusing on that because she held her hands up to that in the very first post.

But he clearly had an issue with it, and instead of saying 'right, we are off to the car' he chose to go and and her mad that she hadn't noticed.

They are both at fault for different things. I've never denied that. But he basically chose to make her wrong. He knew that she wasn't ready, and decided to wait and see how long it would take her. It was a course of action he chose.

Op should have paid attention to the time, but didn't. A mistake, a pain in the arse, very annoying - but not a deliberate course of action taken in order to make someone else wrong.

66redballons · 03/08/2020 15:48

He sounds tedious. What a jerk.

diddl · 03/08/2020 15:53

"He knew that she wasn't ready, and decided to wait and see how long it would take her."

Rather than what?

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 15:55

Rather than telling her they were going to the car, which would have made her notice the time and speed up!

Ickabog · 03/08/2020 15:55

@printmeanicephoto

How am I minimizing if I have admitted a number of times that my 5 minute lateness into the car was my fault?
Did you apologize to your husband and children when you got in the car for keeping them waiting?
DappledThings · 03/08/2020 15:58

@ChangeThePassword

Rather than telling her they were going to the car, which would have made her notice the time and speed up!
So because she's too lazy to look at a clock he has to go upstairs, find where she is and tell her the time. He can't just shout because she's chosen to shut herself behind a door she can't hear through. Why should he bother with that just because she can't be arsed being on time?
diddl · 03/08/2020 15:58

@ChangeThePassword

Rather than telling her they were going to the car, which would have made her notice the time and speed up!
But Op's an adult & already knows that as her husband won't treat her like a child & chivvy her along.

Everyone else noticed the time & was ready-why couldn't Op?

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 16:00

Do people have clocks in their bathrooms? I don't.

No need to go hunting for her, just shout upstairs. Unless it's a massive house, it would probably work. I'm sure op can clarify.

Did you apologize to your husband and children when you got in the car for keeping them waiting?

Totally irrelevant to the question being asked.

Lweji · 03/08/2020 16:04

He told you exactly what time he was leaving. And well in advance.

A tip: keep some sort of time keeping device with you when you're getting ready, look at it regularly, make it your own responsibility to be on time instead of someone else's.

diddl · 03/08/2020 16:06

"Do people have clocks in their bathrooms? I don't."

Why would you need clock in there just because you happen to be in there as part of getting ready?

Ickabog · 03/08/2020 16:08

Totally irrelevant to the question being asked.

Goodness me I had no idea I was in the presence of the thread police.

penberrh · 03/08/2020 16:09

There are devices called ‘watches’ which are like a mini clock that I understand can be strapped to a wrist, making time-telling much more of a portable operation. Apparently they are quite widely available.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 16:11

Goodness me I had no idea I was in the presence of the thread police

Ah, so police just make observations now, do they? I guess that explains why prisons, are empty Hmm 😂

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 16:12

Why would you need clock in there just because you happen to be in there as part of getting ready?

I didn't say a clock was needed. But someone said she was too lazy to look at a clock. I didn't know clocks in bathrooms were a thing.

ifoundafoxcaughtbydogs · 03/08/2020 16:14

I do occasionally do similar in meetings when I stop rounding people up and instead start on time and make them catch up.

But for family I think it's weird, I'd yell up 'we're ready, meet you in the car.' And then only be pissed off if you were ages after that.

Lweji · 03/08/2020 16:18

@penberrh

There are devices called ‘watches’ which are like a mini clock that I understand can be strapped to a wrist, making time-telling much more of a portable operation. Apparently they are quite widely available.
I've heard that mobile phones do have a clock facility too.
BlueJava · 03/08/2020 16:22

He sounds a bit petty - but is this something you do all the time? My DP is always last out the house, always late... sometimes I just call him and tell him we're getting in the car then we have to wait for him. I get a bit tired of it tbh.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 16:23

Not even my mother wears a watch any more 😂

But again, nobody is trying to justify her being late.

I'm amazed at the amount of people that think telling their partner they are heading out to the car is in some way treating them like a child. Treating them like a child would be 'get your shoes on. Well where did you have them last? Oh for heavens sake, OK, I'll look in the sitting room, you have a look in your bedroom. Right, jackets. No, that's the wrong armhole..' etc

heartsonacake · 03/08/2020 16:24

@printmeanicephoto

How am I minimizing if I have admitted a number of times that my 5 minute lateness into the car was my fault?
Because—as several posters have pointed out and you’ve ignored—your family wouldn’t randomly just go off and do this with no previous issues.

This is happening because you’re persistently late, yet you’re refusing to acknowledge that.