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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
LizB62A · 03/08/2020 12:37

He's probably sick and tired of you always being late.
I know I would be.

In fact, I'd probably be at the stage where I'd just leave without you if you weren't ready at the agreed time.

rc22 · 03/08/2020 12:39

I know that I spent a long time assertively and calmly saying to DH, "We'll have to go soon or we'll be late." Then a couple of years more heatedly saying, "can you just get a move on or we're going to be late! I was ready ages ago!" All with no effect before I resorted to the possibly passive aggressive tactic of getting in the car where at least I could stick the car radio on and try to be distracted from my rising annoyance!!

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 12:39

@lampshadery I would say exactly the same if the genders were reversed.

I'm quite amazed how poor the lines of communication seem to be in so many relationships. No wonder mumsnet is full of people that aren't happy with their partners if this thread reflects how poorly couples communicate.

lampshadery · 03/08/2020 12:41

@ChangeThePassword You're one person. My experiences on mumsnet tell me you'd be a tiny minority. I

FlamingoAndJohn · 03/08/2020 12:43

Can you imagine if a woman had posted this about her husband - 'my DH is pissed off because I didn't tell him he was late, I took the children to sit in the car instead while he was faffing on upstairs - why should I have to tell him he's running late, he has a watch!'

I would say ‘shout and tell him he’s late. Why be a dick about it.’

excuseforfights · 03/08/2020 12:45

Sounds like my H. He decides a time to leave and if I'm not ready bang on time, he will leave without me. Whereas when he is late, I wait patiently as I don't think waiting 5 mins for your partner is a big deal, especially when you leave them to close windows, lock backdoor etc. I'm leaving him.

MacduffsMuff · 03/08/2020 12:53

@printmeanicephoto

Being late is also deliberate. I don't buy the 'oh gosh I just lost track of time' bollocks people come up with for thinking their own time is more important than anyone else's. Adults are perfectly capable of keeping to an arranged time, sometimes they just choose not to.

melj1213 · 03/08/2020 12:53

No I didn't hear them leave - I was in the bathroom with the bathroom door shut.

So how do you know they didn't say anything either? And even if they did, you probably wouldnt have heard it since your bathroom is so soundproof. Your family managed to get ready and leave the house - without you hearing - for the time agreed not even half an hour earlier and you didnt hear them, yet if someone had called up the stairs then you would have 100% heard them and been out on time.

You cant have it both ways.

You were late. You lost track of time. You have admitted this is not the first time you have been late, you have even previously "pleaded" with your DH to tell you when he leaves - which implies that this has repeatedly happened since nobody pleads with someone over a one off/infrequent occurrence - which all culminates in a presentation of a person who is frequently late and so far you haven't given any evidence to show otherwise.

The fact that your children didnt say anything either, instead just went out to the car with their dad, means that either you missed a message or they're all capable of being on time and are used to you not being.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 13:05

So how do you know they didn't say anything either?

Based on the ops post, they should about it in the car. That probably would have given a good indication.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 13:06

Spoke about it in the car, dyac!

villamariavintrapp · 03/08/2020 13:07

They weren't leaving without you, just waiting in the car. I do this, if my husband isn't ready on time to leave I put the kids in the car to wait for him. Otherwise they start getting undressed again/shoes off/losing coats etc and it makes much more work. You know everyone was aiming to get ready to leave, why would you need to be updated throughout?

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 03/08/2020 13:30

If your DH used to always shout after you to hurry you along, and didn't this time because he got fed up of chasing after you, then he's not BU.

But if he believes it's appropriate to be so unfriendly just because you made the mistake of running late, I think that's a bit miserable tbh. You're a family. He's not a taxi or a pilot. For one thing, he assumed you were dilly dallying but what if you were late for a reason? I would always check to see if DH is okay, even if I was annoyed he was making us late, on the off chance that he'd tripped/bumped his head/ was having chest pains... I'd rather check and be wrong than not check and realise I'd 'punished' him when he actually needed me. And FWIW he makes us late a lot Grin it's irritating as hell!

Lweji · 03/08/2020 13:37

@printmeanicephoto

As I said in my original post, I lost track of time by a few mins. If I'd known I was running over by a few mins of course I would have let them know.
How would they know you had lost track of time and weren't going to go out in a few seconds of them leaving? You knew the time, it's your responsibility to keep track of it. Not their responsibility to keep track for you. Or to read your mind.

Would you have been earlier if they had shouted? How? Would you have left your face only half done?

netflixismysidehustle · 03/08/2020 13:43

Why aren't you annoyed with the teens for not announcements their departure?

RyanBergarasTeeth · 03/08/2020 13:55

I'm quite amazed how poor the lines of communication seem to be in so many relationships

Wheres the poor communication? Op was told a time and reminded 20 minutes before hand. All the other chronic late comers all know the time and still choose to be late. Thats not a communication issue its a rudeness issue on thr late peoples part.

Anoisagusaris · 03/08/2020 13:58

He didn’t leave without you, he went to wait in the car. I thought you were going to say he drove off without you.

EBearhug · 03/08/2020 13:58

I think this thread is just full of glaring double standards.

No, it's not. It's different standards from different people. It would be double standards if coming from a single person.

I think if you've been married for several years, it's strange there isn't more of a routine for going out together, which in some households might be saying you're going to wait in the car, and in others, not saying it. For me, even if you've agreed the time, saying you're going out seems normal for people you live with, unless it's a shared house where you're not part of the same family. It's clear that for others it isn't, but I would have expected to have settled into some sort of generally accepted agreement for that household as it developed and evolved (because wrangling toddlers into a car is a different thing from wrangling teenagers.) So if this is only the second time it's come up in years, that's a bit odd and something to be discussed; if it's a frequent occurrence, then yes, you need to sort your timekeeping out, but also probably communication within the family, because it doesn't sound like it's all working smoothly.

diddl · 03/08/2020 14:29

Op, if he had told you that they were about to go to the car-would you have magically been ready to go with them?

Why does it bother you so much that they waited in the car & not he house?

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 14:40

diddl - yes I would have grabbed my lippy or whatever and put it on in the car.

OP posts:
lampshadery · 03/08/2020 14:43

@EBearhug

I'm sure there are some crossovers. I'd bet that some of the people calling the OP's husband a dick on this thread are also telling other OPs to not make their DH any dinner because he said she overcooked the pasta.

heartsonacake · 03/08/2020 14:43

@printmeanicephoto

Yes I did write it had happened before ... but we have been married for many, many years so it would be a bit strange if in the whole of our married life I had never, ever been a few minutes late for anything, ever. That doesn't mean I am.persistently late.
Your family wouldn’t have got into the habit of waiting in the car for you if you weren’t persistently late.

People who are always late never actually realise a) that they’re always late b) how late they are c) how rude their behaviour is. They always play it down like you are doing here.

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 14:45

Heartsonacake - I would agree with you IF I was often consistently late.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 03/08/2020 14:48

@printmeanicephoto

Heartsonacake - I would agree with you IF I was often consistently late.
As I said, those who are persistently late rarely admit it because they don’t realise it; they don’t see it as a problem.

Why would your family have got into the habit of doing this if you weren’t persistently late?

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 14:48

Big assumptions being made by people here. I do appreciate your feedback though guys!

OP posts:
melj1213 · 03/08/2020 15:09

Big assumptions because we can only go off what you posted - you had a discussion about the specific time you were leaving; you were late; your entire family walked out without a word to you; you didnt notice this happening because you lost track of time less than 20 minutes after the confirmation conversation; you admit this has happened before; you have previously "pleaded" with your DH not to walk out without saying anything.

Why would we not make the more logical assumption that you are minimising your lateness and happens frequently to the point your family have got tied of it rather than assume that your entire family just conspired to be PA on this particular one off occasion with no other prior warning or issues?