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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 12:03

@DappledThings

Getting in the car without saying anything :passive
Getting annoyed with OP for being late because he didn't say anything when he left : aggressive

diddl · 03/08/2020 12:03

*"He should of just shouted up the stairs ‘come on it’s time to leave, we’ll be waiting in the car’."

But you're still left waiting for someone who cba to get ready on time & thinks that it's ok for everyone else to have to wait for them.

HoppingPavlova · 03/08/2020 12:04

I’m thinking you are a faffler. You faffle around when it’s time to shift your arse out the door and your family can’t be bothered with it.

rc22 · 03/08/2020 12:05

@ChangeThePassword

Consistently holding people up and expecting them to wait whilst you faff around: inconsiderate and highly annoying!!

SockQueen · 03/08/2020 12:06

Fuck's sake, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

Boireannachlaidir · 03/08/2020 12:07

@printmeanicephoto

No I didn't hear them leave - I was in the bathroom with the bathroom door shut.
Is there any chance that he did call up to you and you didn't hear?
DappledThings · 03/08/2020 12:07

Getting in the car without saying anything :passive
Nope, just sticking to the plan.
Getting annoyed with OP for being late because he didn't say anything when he left : aggressive
Possibly, depending on how it was phrased. Being annoyed doesn't necessarily mean aggressive.

isabellerossignol · 03/08/2020 12:07

The title of the thread is a bit misleading anyway. The family weren't leaving. They were waiting in the car instead of in the house.

If he had got everyone into the car and driven off it would be a whole other scenario.

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 12:07

And I think it partly depends on what you were modelled as a child. My parents always communicated to each other when the first one was putting their shoes on to leave to tell the other they were ready to go BEFORE they headed to the car so I guess that is what I think is normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 12:09

Yes apologies if title was a bit misleading.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 03/08/2020 12:09

My parents always communicated to each other when the first one was putting their shoes on to leave to tell the other they were ready to go BEFORE they headed to the car
Even if one of them had chosen to disappear behind a closed door to start faffing about with make-up and couldn't be bothered to keep an eye on the time?

Wallywobbles · 03/08/2020 12:11

Leaving time everyone gets in the car as and when they've got their shit together. DH leaves by one door and locks up, last one out locks other door. No ones shouts to say they're waiting in the car.

DH drives round via front door to pick up last out.

I think if youve agreed a time that's the deal.

MacduffsMuff · 03/08/2020 12:11

He was being petty, you were being rude by being late.

Yes, it would have been courteous for him to call upstairs, just as it would have been courteous for you not to ignore your arrangement of 20 minutes before and been ready on time, or at the very least, tell him you need an extra ten mins or so. It baffles me that a grown woman can 'lose track of time' within 20 minutes of having a conversation. I find that ridiculous.

But then, l find lateness the height of bad manners.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 12:12

Consistently holding people up and expecting them to wait whilst you faff around: inconsiderate and highly annoying!!

No disagreement from me, but as I've said before op acknowledges that she was wrong for being late in her very first post.

She's asking if her DH was unreasonable in the way he handled it. Imo, he was.

MacduffsMuff · 03/08/2020 12:14

He's making a point, op. Something a bit sinister about that...

Oh FFS, 'sinister'? How overdramatic.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 12:16

@DappledThings I disagree. Going to the car without saying he was is a deliberate choice. It takes little to no effort to say 'we're going to the car' on the way out the door.

phoenixrosehere · 03/08/2020 12:21

Isn't it easy to spot the posters who are persistently late and breeze in with a cheery "Oh sorry I'm late, I got caught up in something, what am I LIKE"? while everyone else is sitting there, seething?

What BS. I’m the one who leaves early just to make it somewhere earlier than the scheduled time. You can talk to my previous employers and friends if you like. I have to lie to my husband about times because he will claim he’s ready but will need to do little things like use the loo, find his keys, need his hat, MP3 player etc.. before we leave the house, and then ask me if I have the kids’ things when I was the one who dressed them and myself while he sat there supposedly ready and could have grabbed said things or dressed one child w/o being told then moans as we’re leaving because I didn’t lock up his way 🙄. I’m usually the first to show up and walk around or have a beverage while waiting for others and don’t get arsey if they’re late as long as they told me beforehand. Definitely, wouldn’t get in a huff over 5 measly minutes. Some people have a limit and I’m more laidback about it, doesn’t mean such people are always late. There are shades of grey in such things.

FlamingoAndJohn · 03/08/2020 12:24

[quote ChangeThePassword]@DappledThings I disagree. Going to the car without saying he was is a deliberate choice. It takes little to no effort to say 'we're going to the car' on the way out the door.[/quote]
I agree.
Going and getting in the car and waiting would have been fine had he just shouted ‘it’s gone x o’clock already, we will be waiting in the car’.
All sitting in there seething to make a bloody point is childish, even if the op is always late.
I hate lateness and my DH is not often late but in this situation I would say something to him like ‘ffs hurry up’ rather than sulking.

DappledThings · 03/08/2020 12:25

[quote ChangeThePassword]@DappledThings I disagree. Going to the car without saying he was is a deliberate choice. It takes little to no effort to say 'we're going to the car' on the way out the door.[/quote]
We'll have to agree to disagree! I think calling out was totally unnecessary when a clear time was already agreed.

xolotltezcatlopoca · 03/08/2020 12:27

The one who's always late always have reasons, or accuse something or someone. I don't think it made any difference if he called you, you may still have said ok, I'be in a few minutes, which means you were not ready at agreed time anyway. If that happened a lot, I would be annoyed.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 03/08/2020 12:27

Nah hes done nothing wrong. Lateness is rude and op has already said she's bee. Late before so its not a one off. Her husband had told her 20 mins before therefore op is entirely in the wrong. My dp is always late as well ive left the house before and stood down the street waiting after he has been told several times the time. Lateness is rude and tells people you think your time is more important than theirs.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 03/08/2020 12:29

@xolotltezcatlopoca yes that! I also have a relative who is always late to the point people have just left instead of waiting. The thing about dp and relative is its always everyone elses fault they are late. Hmm

mbosnz · 03/08/2020 12:30

I've got a family member who is chronically unready and perpetually late. It drives everyone else nuts. It doesn't drive me nuts, because she doesn't do it with me. She knows very well that I will not wait for her to deign to join us, I will get in the car and leave, with or without her, at the agreed time. She doesn't drive, either, you see, she relies on everyone else to take her everywhere. I tell her we're leaving in five minutes, and then in five minutes, we leave.

AhBallix · 03/08/2020 12:33

YANBU

You agreed a time to leave. Unless there's a bit of information missing, you didn't arrange to meet inside the car. A shout out that it was time to go wouldn't have killed him. It seems to me that he wanted to embarrass/shame you.

My DP is ALWAYS late and its very likely part of his ADHD. But it still drives me round the bend. When we do finally leave the house, he realises he has forgotten something and it's my fault for putting him under pressure. If I don't 'put him under pressure' and just twiddle my thumbs until he's ready, then I should have reminded him of the time because 'now we're late'.

He has specifically asked me to wait in the car, with the kids, so that he will get the message. I hate doing this because there could be a long wait. But if I do decide to wait in the car, I let him know that's where I'll be. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. It wouldn't occur to me to just go and sit in the car though, even if he was capable of turning up at an agreed time (he isn'tGrin). That's weird. And yes, passive aggressive.

lampshadery · 03/08/2020 12:34

Sorry but I think this thread is just full of glaring double standards.

Can you imagine if a woman had posted this about her husband - 'my DH is pissed off because I didn't tell him he was late, I took the children to sit in the car instead while he was faffing on upstairs - why should I have to tell him he's running late, he has a watch!'

Cue:

'Your DH isn't one of your children, why should you have to treat him one? You have a DH problem'

'He has a watch doesn't he? Why does he need you to tell him he's late? Why are you married to a man-child?'

'Shocks me how there are men out there who can't regulate themselves without their wife or mother there to tell them what to do'

Etc. Women are frequently advised on Mumsnet to 'make a point' to get their point across to their husbands. Husband complains about dinner? Don't make him any, just make it for you and the DCs. Husband leaves his laundry on the floor? Don't do his laundry, just leave it. This is all the epitome of passive aggressiveness.

Husband does something similar (but not nearly as extreme) and it's 'sinister'.

I know the OP is saying she doesn't do this normally but reading between the lines it looks like the lady doth protest too much.