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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
WidowTwonky · 03/08/2020 10:25

I do this. Wait on the car rather than in the house. And I don’t make a statement that I’m waiting in the car. So YABU

No big deal.

VeeDubber · 03/08/2020 10:27

It would have taken him 2 seconds to shout up the stairs that they were ready to leave

It would have taken the OP 2 seconds to shout down the stairs that she was running late and would be another 5 minutes.

CatherinedeBourgh · 03/08/2020 10:27

I’d have left without you.

You have no idea how irritating it is to live with someone who has no respect for your time.

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 10:27

I find it hilarious the assumptions people are jumping to in this thread. I repeat I was 5 mins late into the car not 20. Where did I say I was persistently late? And the idea that because we were 15 mins early it was all prearranged by DH (and perhaps his mum that way) because of my apparent persistent lateness. Does make me giggle.

OP posts:
DoubleTweenQueen · 03/08/2020 10:27

Op was 5 mins over time. We don't know if her DH would have come in to find her at 10 mins/15 mins. Was he waiting impatiently or calmly? Really a storm in a teacup.

Jaxhog · 03/08/2020 10:34

shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

Would getting ready on time kill you? YABU.

ChicCroissant · 03/08/2020 10:34

OP, you said it wasn't the first time he'd done this so that's why people think you are late all the time. I wouldn't be giggling if I thought people had to arrange things around my own persistent lateness, I'd be embarassed.

Four of you going to a meal for 6 - if you were late, that would be a big part of the group missing. You'd had a reminder of the time you were leaving 20 minutes beforehand. You didn't tell your family you were running late. What did you think had changed in the last 20 minutes? If your DH had called up the stairs would you have stopped and been magically on time? No! So what difference does it make where they wait?

Lweji · 03/08/2020 10:37

Why didn't you have the courtesy to let him know you were running a bit late?

And they didn't leave. They were in the car.

In their place, I would have expected you to have joined at the agreed time, as you hadn't told them you were running late.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/08/2020 10:44

If as you say, you are not normally late, then he is def point scoring, and over reacting over 5 mins and I think that is nasty. It is a courtesy to tell you and getting the whole family into the car isn't an army manoeuvre where split second timing matters.
None of us are perfect and PA people often forget this.

I was apologising and feeling terrible I realised that Muggins spent so long getting myself and 3 others up and ready and checking everything was secure that of course I was going to be last in the car It was a completely unequal division of labour.

If he's passive aggressive about other things... its one of those things that escalates on both sides and its nasty and unnecessary and even lazy for him to react like that regularly.

Does he have any reason for some of the PA things? Is it you not pulling your weight or just unequal in the first place? How else these things could be dealt with? If there are things that always light the fuse, is there any way of making those occasions less stressful?

rookiemere · 03/08/2020 10:44

You have been late before OP as it says in opening post that your DH has waited in the car before for you.

Being late when you've both gone to the trouble of agreeing a departure time is simply rude IMHO. You were putting on your make up which suggests to you your appearance is more important than being there on time for MILs birthday- the fact you arrived early is neither here nor there as DH had already agreed time with you.

RowenaRavenclawTheSecond · 03/08/2020 10:49

You literally wrote in the OP 'this has happened before'.

WendyHoused · 03/08/2020 10:51

This wasn’t a casual get together, this was a meal for his mother’s 80th birthday.

Of course he’d expect you to be ready on time when you’d only just agreed to the departure time. He didn’t sneak the teens out silently, they all got in the car (presumably with the usual clatter of shoes etc) expecting you to be with them any second.

YABU

marns · 03/08/2020 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluesheep8 · 03/08/2020 11:01

Have you got form for doing this op? It just might be that it REALLY annoys him. Has he mentioned being annoyed by you doing this before?

Bluesheep8 · 03/08/2020 11:03

You literally wrote in the OP 'this has happened before'

OK just re read. But has he said it annoys him before?

Oysterbabe · 03/08/2020 11:03

to someone who has said repeatedly this is a one off!

Yes she has said that but also in the OP put 'this has happened before' . Probably the people saying Yabu have similar late people in their lives who piss them right off but deny they are late people.

RowenaRavenclawTheSecond · 03/08/2020 11:06

@marns no one is saying that, where did you get the idea the husband sat in the car for fifteen minutes?

oldwhyno · 03/08/2020 11:11

do you do this more often when it's an event for his family? Do you find you magically can be on time when it's "your" event you're going to?

ReplacementPlasticUterus · 03/08/2020 11:11

Do people really run their lives with such military precision? Surely 5 -10 minutes either way is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, unless you're catching a train or similar, especially as you say you allowed ample time to get there.

Even if you had arrived 5 minutes late, the party wouldn't have been ruined would it? Is your DH a retired Army Major who insists on split-second time-keeping?

rookiemere · 03/08/2020 11:14

@ReplacementPlasticUterus 5-10 minutes is a very long time,if you're sitting waiting with the rest of the family in the car waiting to go to a significant event for your 80 year old DM. Particularly if you'd already agreed what time you were meant to be leaving.

DappledThings · 03/08/2020 11:16

Do people really run their lives with such military precision? Surely 5 -10 minutes either way is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, unless you're catching a train or similar

Not necessarily a big deal but also not a big deal for those who are ready to be ready and waiting. Being ready and waiting isn't passive aggressive, it's just sticking to the plan.

SockYarn · 03/08/2020 11:17

Isn't it easy to spot the posters who are persistently late and breeze in with a cheery "Oh sorry I'm late, I got caught up in something, what am I LIKE"? while everyone else is sitting there, seething?

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 11:19

Yes I did write it had happened before ... but we have been married for many, many years so it would be a bit strange if in the whole of our married life I had never, ever been a few minutes late for anything, ever. That doesn't mean I am.persistently late.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 03/08/2020 11:21

Do people really run their lives with such military precision? Surely 5 -10 minutes either way is no big deal in the grand scheme of thing

well DH and i are ex-military and both come from a long line of military members so yes, we do. Because we recognise the importance of being on time in our family.

If you think 5-10 minutes isn't much, try this. At 10am sit in your living room, ready to go out for 10 minutes. Then go to a café and sit there for 20 minutes. Later go for lunch and wait outside the restaurant for 30 minutes. Finally stand outside a cinema for 40 minutes and then go home because the film already started. Each of those times increased by 10 minutes, and each delay is unacceptable but I've had arrangements like that to meet friends where people join gradually over the day.

I only let someone burn me once.

Leflic · 03/08/2020 11:21

But you literally only agreed 20 minutes before to be ready. 20 minutes!
I mean if you had aged a time an hour or two before, it’s easy to lose track of time.
I’d like a partner that didn’t nag me to be ready every 20 minutes myself - which is what calling up to you is.