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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
GrolliffetheDragon · 03/08/2020 11:21

I'm not sure I could be bothered to g et annoyed about 5 minutes, seems like a waste of energy. He should have just called up that he and the DC were ready - anyone can lose track of time occasionally, it's not disrespectful unless it happens regularly (and that doesn't mean more than once, if it happens twice a year that's ore than once but hardly counts as regular.)

Iwalkinmyclothing · 03/08/2020 11:23

@SockYarn

Isn't it easy to spot the posters who are persistently late and breeze in with a cheery "Oh sorry I'm late, I got caught up in something, what am I LIKE"? while everyone else is sitting there, seething?
No, you can think people who act like timesheet obsessed call centre managers over family life are unreasonable joyless bellends without being a habitually late person yourself. I'm very rarely late, of our entire household I am the one who takes the most responsibility for everyone being ready to leave on time and I am almost anal about contacting people to let them know if there has been a genuine hold up; I still think OP's husband's behaviour is grim and that his supporters on this thread would be less than fun to live with.
HidingFromDD · 03/08/2020 11:23

I’ve done exactly this with my kids. I’d guess

  • the discussion on precise time for leaving was because he knew you weren’t ready and needed to be reminded to shift your arse
-you didn’t like seeing them waiting in the car, because if they’re in the house you can tell yourself that everyone is only just ready, sitting in the car highlights that everyone is waiting for you
  • you were 15 minutes earlier because that’s the amount of time your Dh thought you’d probably be late, plus a bit extra for traffic
  • if you’d been later than the extra buffer he’d given you he would probably have just left without you (and very likely will if you don’t actually make an effort
  • it was his mums 80th, this was a really big deal, the probability of you making everyone late will have made him anxious

You know this isn’t the first time, but you’re focussing on whether he was wrong not to shout up, he’s your DH not your mum. Grow up

giantangryrooster · 03/08/2020 11:24

I can't count the number of times I have called out to dh that we are leaving.

But I have mostly stopped because I get even more annoyed because

I'm not his mother
He is an adult
It makes sod all difference for his lateness

katy1213 · 03/08/2020 11:24

They didn't leave. Leaving is when they drive off without you.

BoyTree · 03/08/2020 11:24

I don't even understand the problem - if we are getting ready to go somewhere and we're less than 5 minutes away from leaving, then whoever is good to go gets in the car to wait. Less chance of getting involved in something else, the kids quite often remember that they need a wee/book/drink etc once they are not playing and are focussed on the fact we have a car journey ahead, and it means that everyone is out of the way of the last person to leave the house.

I expect the adults in the house to get themselves ready and pitch in with any other job that needs doing. I don't expect them to try and micro-manage me or to remind me (20 minutes after a discussion about leaving times) that I need to come downstairs and get in the car. What would him shouting up the stairs have achieved?

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 11:25

Isn't it easy to spot the posters who are persistently late and breeze in with a cheery "Oh sorry I'm late, I got caught up in something, what am I LIKE"? while everyone else is sitting there, seething?

Laughing so much at this! I'm guessing you think I'm one. I'm actually the opposite, I hate being late. I'm usually early and the one waiting for others.

But just because I hate being late doesn't mean I think the DH is right in not saying he was going to the car.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 11:27

5-10 minutes is a very long time,if you're sitting waiting with the rest of the family in the car waiting to go to a significant event

I totally agree. Which is why ops DH should have said he was going to the car!

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 03/08/2020 11:28

I'm you and your DH is my DH in the above scenario x quite regularly but even so I agree with your DH.
In my defence I am usually collecting up coats/shoes/ finding a birthday card/the gift we are bringing. However we are more likely to be late if they aren't sat in the car, ready to go.
Annoys me if he puts kids in car whilst I am still loading car, especially if it is a long drive as they don't need to sit longer than necessary, but it does make it easier not having to supervise and load car.

ReplacementPlasticUterus · 03/08/2020 11:28

@rookiemere well if you're sulking in the car and getting wound up about 5 minutes it probably does seem like a long time.

I can see it might be slightly annoying, but it feels like OPs DH was making a bit of a point. None of us are perfect, and I for one can't say that I've never ever left the house 5 minutes later than I originally planned.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 11:29

Being ready and waiting isn't passive aggressive, it's just sticking to the plan

Yes. But being ready and waiting and saying nothing to the person that isn't so you can sit and get yourself wound up about it IS passive aggressive.

DappledThings · 03/08/2020 11:33

@ChangeThePassword

Being ready and waiting isn't passive aggressive, it's just sticking to the plan

Yes. But being ready and waiting and saying nothing to the person that isn't so you can sit and get yourself wound up about it IS passive aggressive.

I don't see how it is. If I'm ready at the agreed time and everyone else is then I'm just going to crack on and get in the car. I don't shout to DH to get a move on because he's an adult, with a watch. If he kept me waiting because he was faffing and I didnt say anything but just drove off in a huff as soon as he was in the car that would be PA. Refusing to be responsible for him isn't.

Neither of us are faffers fortunately so it doesn't come up.

Gazelda · 03/08/2020 11:34

It wouldn't have killed him to shout up the stairs that they were going to wait for you in the car.

It would have been courteous of you to let them know you we're running a few mins late. Lateness is rude.

What happened when you got in the car - did you berate him for not letting you know, or did you immediately apologise for keeping them all waiting before questioning him why he hadn't called you?

It is irrelevant that you arrived at the pub early.

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 11:41

No I didn't hear them leave - I was in the bathroom with the bathroom door shut.

OP posts:
Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 11:44

As I said in my original post, I lost track of time by a few mins. If I'd known I was running over by a few mins of course I would have let them know.

OP posts:
SayWhatNowNow · 03/08/2020 11:46

I bet he’s fed up of always reminding you. The kids managed to be ready, why couldn’t you? Stick to agreed time next time. No need for reminders for anyone or waiting for anyone. You can probably tell from my response that I am an unfortunate victim of such behaviour. Hate lateness and reminding people it’s time to go (except for young children of course)

Durgasarrow · 03/08/2020 11:51

I think your husband was trying to give you a message. He was trying to say that he was sick of having to yell upstairs because you were late, again. You're a grown-up. There are clocks available to you. You can be on time if you want. Everyone else was on time. You probably didn't make it fun for him when he yelled upstairs that you were late in the past. It's not fun for him when you're late at all. He can't control you. So control yourself.

Iloveacurry · 03/08/2020 11:55

Your husband was being pathetic.

He should of just shouted up the stairs ‘come on it’s time to leave, we’ll be waiting in the car’.

AdoreTheBeach · 03/08/2020 11:55

Hi OP

The 20 minutes people are referring to cones from the second paragraph of your post - your DH said the agreed time was 20 minutes earlier than you entered the car.

I used to have troubles with this - with me being a little late because I was the one running after everyone, doing breakfast, dishes, tidy etc so we could get out with my getting dressed last whilst DH just had to get up and dressed. No other things to distract him. So I started to ask him to help with the kids to be sure we could get out in time. I now set an alarm on my phone that reminds me 5 minutes before I have to leave for anywhere. I also keep my make up in a go bag. If needed, I put it on in the car fb route some place. I’m now first in the car at designated time and will make a point is saying to DH that I’m not last. I do, owner, shout out at that 5 minute alarm that I’m going to the car in 5 minutes.

Using an alarm works very well because everyone can hear it. You say the alarm is saying it’s about time to go. So it’s the alarm, not you. Everyone can hear it too. Try it as it really does work.

DopamineHits · 03/08/2020 11:56

How massive is your house that you didn't hear them all leave?

Of course he's a dick to shepherd the kids out then sit silently in the car, just to make you feel bad when you appeared. Tell him to grow up. In future maybe do your makeup downstairs so he can't do his sneaking out act without you noticing.

hoodiemum · 03/08/2020 11:57

Gosh, OP, you're getting a harder time on here than I'd have expected. I sympathise - you lost track of time, and if he'd told you everyone else was getting in the car, you'd have been quicker. I have a husband who sometimes does this to me and the family. We're all rushing around trying to get ready for an 'as soon as possible' leaving time. When HE's ready, he gets in the car without telling anyone, so a) he doesn't help with the collective getting ready (because that's woman's work?) and b) we often spend several minutes on the 'Now where's DH gone?' quest before we realise he's in the car. Deeply unhelpful.

FlamingoAndJohn · 03/08/2020 11:58

Yeah even your families have started doing that thing where they lie about what time the booking is for, to make sure you manage to get there on time - you see it recommended on here all the time as a tactic for dealing with perpetually late people.

That is one hell of a leap there.

I’m amazed that there so many people who remain married to their partner while passive aggressively sitting about the place seething at their lateness rather than just saying to hurry up.
Yes your partner is an adult but say something rather than just getting angry.
And yes, not saying anything is hugely passive aggressive.

DopamineHits · 03/08/2020 11:59

I think your husband was trying to give you a message. He was trying to say that he was sick of having to yell upstairs because you were late, again. You're a grown-up.

Did you miss the part where he has history of passive aggressive behaviour?

It's not abnormal for someone to leave the house 5 minutes late. In fact it's completely normal! I have siblings who turn up at things from a few minutes early to 45 minutes late. No-one tries to punish the late ones.

ClementineWoolysocks · 03/08/2020 11:59

Are you perpetually late and unprepared?

diddl · 03/08/2020 12:00

@printmeanicephoto

As I said in my original post, I lost track of time by a few mins. If I'd known I was running over by a few mins of course I would have let them know.
So he should have been courteous enough to let you know that they were going out to the car (at the agreed leaving time!)?

But of course you, having lost track of time, couldn't extend the courtesy of letting them know that you wouldn't be ready at the agreed time?