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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to see this child ever again?

369 replies

justchecking80 · 02/08/2020 22:59

Today son (6yo) and I met acquaintance mum and her child (4yo) for lunch and play in the park. We are both in a larger group due to go on holiday with kids later in August and mum approached me asking for a playdate so the kids "can get to know each other".
This child is "difficult" and prone to aggressive behaviour and tantrums. We've been out with them a couple of time and child has been very physical, in one instance even wrapping his arm around my son's neck.

Anyway, we met for lunch and things went ok, although towards the end child decided he wanted to lay down on his and son's chair so my son had to stand up while his mum was finishing her meal. Also, at one point the child started screaming extremely loudly with people staring at us.
We then went to the park where child has been:

  • throwing sand on my son, aiming to his face
  • being disobedient and totally disregarding what his mum was asking him to do/not to do
  • invited my son to a race with their scooters, resulting in me and mum losing sight of them for a good 10 minutes, I've never once lost my son before. During this time my son got slightly injured falling from the swing while child was pushing.
  • throwing gravel stones at me and my son, and carrying on after his mum asked him to stop
  • at the end of the playdate, we were due to leave and by now I was looking forward to it to catch the train home and after I asked the child to return my son's scooter because we needed to run for the train he decided to run away with it while his mum chasing him for a good 10 minute, resulting in us actually missing the train
  • when we finally got hold of them (mum was still trying to take the scooter out of child' hands) I told the child he was being naughty and he replied I am a stinky poop
  • we then left mum and child behind to try to get the train child was having a meltdown anyway but after realising that was too late we slowed down our pace, resulting in mum and child catching up with us and having to walk together while child kept calling me stinky poop for several times ignoring him mum's plea to stop.

AIBU for not wanting to meet this child ever again and now dreading to have to spend a week with them in August?

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 03/08/2020 00:19

Your purpose as a parent is to protect your child from being bullied and hurt. Do that with impunity. Don’t even think about the impacts to this other child - it’s not your problem.

OneStepAheadOfTheToddler · 03/08/2020 00:20

YANBU to not want to go on holiday with a child who sounds quite difficult. That doesn't sound relaxing.

YABU to blame a (younger) child for your child's behaviour. Maybe talk to your son about not being so easily led by other children. Also YABU in my view for sending that unnecessary message... Surely you weren't planning on leaving the children together without adequate supervision in any case? So you've made the mother (who does sound like she was trying to control the child, if ineffectively) even more miserable for no reason.

MarthasGinYard · 03/08/2020 00:21

'I'm confused as to why you are going away with people you don't even know. Particularly due to Coronavirus. Do you really want to be mixing with different households where you don't even know the other families? You're not going to be 2m apart from them are you even in different accommodation.'

Doubt your kids were social distancing either when the disappeared from your sight. Really irresponsible.

You. Not the 4yo.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 03/08/2020 00:21

I couldn't be doing with that tbh. I'm generally quite wet about telling other people's children off, mainly because I know I wouldn't appreciate it if the boot were on the other foot, but even I would have been getting quite firm with this child by the end of all that - nothing heavy, just a brisk, 'Come on, sit up properly on your chair so that everyone else can sit down too', for instance. A week's holiday having to provide all the boundaries for someone else's child doesn't sound like any fun at all. I'd cancel in your shoes unless your DC is going to be terribly disappointed - although it sounds as though it was all quite stressful for him too.

POP7777777 · 03/08/2020 00:25

I think it would be unreasonable of the other mother to expect you to meet up. Cancel immediately.

hammie46i · 03/08/2020 00:26

No way would I want to be going on holiday with a child like that. Sounds exhausting just to spend a couple of hours with the kid, never mind a whole week.

WorraLiberty · 03/08/2020 00:26

TheVanguardSix "Sweep your side of the street"

Off topic but you've just reminded me my lovely Irish Nan used to use that expression all the time and I'd completely forgotten about it!

LittleHelpFromMySplitEnds · 03/08/2020 00:27

It was a playdate to get the two children to know each other. They played/interacted and the OP has decided that the playdate was not a success. What else was the OP supposed to say to the other mum? I think the OP went about it respectfully. Should she have been honest and told the mum her child is a handful?

I'd cancel this holiday. :/

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/08/2020 00:27

You haven't said who your friends are amongst the group, op. What's this crack of going on holiday with complete strangers?

WorraLiberty · 03/08/2020 00:31

Surely you weren't planning on leaving the children together without adequate supervision in any case? So you've made the mother (who does sound like she was trying to control the child, if ineffectively) even more miserable for no reason.

Well they managed to bugger off together for a full 10 minutes and lose the OP and the other mum completely, so I'd question how good either of them are at supervision.

They couldn't have been watching them as they raced away, otherwise they'd have called them back or at least seen where they went.

But no doubt, that was solely the fault of the 4 year old and his mum...

winetime89 · 03/08/2020 00:33

I don't think I'd feel like this. I'd want to help, and feel quite sorry for the mum tbh. It sounds like she was trying to control him she probably feels very embarrassed. it could be a one off- he could have being tired or a phase he was going through. I'd text the mum and ask if she's ok, then forget about it and look forward to your week away with them.

Savingshoes · 03/08/2020 00:33

Three strikes and the child would have been out for me tbh. His mum sounded like she could have done with you backing her up, so on the third naughty thing it would have been me taking over/supporting the other mum with disciplining BOTH children.
And my son would have been banned from his scooter the minute I pinned him down, he's six and should be setting an example for the excitable four year old he's playing with.

user327253 · 03/08/2020 00:38

You've shown a remarkable lack of empathy in this situation. I have met many parents like you, who's child is an angel in their eyes and can do no wrong. Is only ever led astray by other people's naughty children.

ToyKitchenSink · 03/08/2020 00:45

This kind of behaviour is only acceptable if the child has SEN. Otherwise, from your account, both you and the other mother displayed a lot of ineffectual parenting. The other mum (and the father if he's around) to allow the child to have got to that level of bad behaviour and not being able to manage him and you because you should have protected your child and not put up with the negative behaviour you experienced.

I wouldn't be going away with them. Life is too short to spend time with badly behaved children.

MadameMeursault · 03/08/2020 00:49

Why are you going on holiday with people you don’t really know?

Your son needs to take some responsibility for his actions, not just blame the other, 2 years younger, child.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/08/2020 00:52

Why would you go on holiday with people you don’t know, particularly in the middle of a pandemic?

If you are in a group how will you all be meeting up as you are only meant to mix with one household?

PregnantAndTiredMum · 03/08/2020 00:53

If my 4yo was behaving like that he'd have been taken home from the park after the first warning. However, I know he's capable of good behaviour. I've no idea if this 4yo has other issues that mean he behaves like that.
Your 6yo behaving badly/running away from you is on him and you, don't excuse it by saying he's copying etc.
I wouldn't have sent the message, there was no need to do that. You could have easily avoided the children playing alone on holiday without making it into a big deal.

hammie46i · 03/08/2020 00:56

@user327253

You've shown a remarkable lack of empathy in this situation. I have met many parents like you, who's child is an angel in their eyes and can do no wrong. Is only ever led astray by other people's naughty children.
I don't agree.

This child sounds like an absolute nightmare in comparison to hers.

hammie46i · 03/08/2020 00:56

She has a right not to want to spend time around that.

Singalonggong · 03/08/2020 00:57

Reverse....mother of the 6 year is in for a rough ride through primary school!

AnneOfQueenSables · 03/08/2020 01:00

You're making it their DCs responsibility that your DC ran off, that you lost sight of your DC and that they ran off with your scooter. Your text makes it the other mum's responsibility that the DCs don't play unsupervised. Why can't you take responsibility for that? If I was the other mum, I would cancel. You're going to spend the entire holiday blaming them for your parenting decisions and your DC's behaviour.

squeekums · 03/08/2020 01:05

I would have said no to my kid being booted of their seat for this kids demands
I would have warned that we leaving if anything else is thrown at a face, mine, a kids, his own mums, simply a face
I would have left at the gravel throwing - not acceptable at all, SEN or not.
Harsh but if your kid is that biter, hitter, gravel thrower, you can bet i wouldnt allow them over, wouldnt catch up, nothing. I dont wanna deal with that shit and why should my kid?

But, in saying all that
The text, out of line. Just let it go and slow down contact, id even not go away with them
The scooter thing was both kids bouncing off each other

AllsortsofAwkward · 03/08/2020 01:08

I have 2 children who are 4 and 6. My 4 is can be a little devil but my 6 year old is old enough to know better. Youre child misbehaved you need to own it. What a shirty message to send the mum x

Happymum12345 · 03/08/2020 01:11

The little boy is only 4 years old & I'm sure he will grow out of it. It’s not his fault you lost sight of your son.
Don’t see them again if you don’t want to, but don’t try not to keep a record of his wrong doings.

Nitpickpicnic · 03/08/2020 01:12

Well I’d have had a very firm ‘start as you mean to continue’ attitude to this play date.

There’s no diagnosis- so I’d have treated them as a brat, and the weak mother who lets him get away with unacceptable behaviour while occasionally wringing her hands in the background.

I’d have openly used my ‘Oh no you don't’ tone of voice with her kid. I’d have said things like ‘if we see that again, there’ll have to be time out.’ And if she refused to enforce the time out, I’d have smiled, picked up our stuff and headed home. I’d have shown her what she could expect if she came on holiday with me- the full ‘it takes a village’. Then it’s up to her to decide whether to come or not.

Of course it’s her choice to not impose any kind of consequence for bad behaviour. But that choice doesn’t lead to holidays with friends. No way.

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