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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to see this child ever again?

369 replies

justchecking80 · 02/08/2020 22:59

Today son (6yo) and I met acquaintance mum and her child (4yo) for lunch and play in the park. We are both in a larger group due to go on holiday with kids later in August and mum approached me asking for a playdate so the kids "can get to know each other".
This child is "difficult" and prone to aggressive behaviour and tantrums. We've been out with them a couple of time and child has been very physical, in one instance even wrapping his arm around my son's neck.

Anyway, we met for lunch and things went ok, although towards the end child decided he wanted to lay down on his and son's chair so my son had to stand up while his mum was finishing her meal. Also, at one point the child started screaming extremely loudly with people staring at us.
We then went to the park where child has been:

  • throwing sand on my son, aiming to his face
  • being disobedient and totally disregarding what his mum was asking him to do/not to do
  • invited my son to a race with their scooters, resulting in me and mum losing sight of them for a good 10 minutes, I've never once lost my son before. During this time my son got slightly injured falling from the swing while child was pushing.
  • throwing gravel stones at me and my son, and carrying on after his mum asked him to stop
  • at the end of the playdate, we were due to leave and by now I was looking forward to it to catch the train home and after I asked the child to return my son's scooter because we needed to run for the train he decided to run away with it while his mum chasing him for a good 10 minute, resulting in us actually missing the train
  • when we finally got hold of them (mum was still trying to take the scooter out of child' hands) I told the child he was being naughty and he replied I am a stinky poop
  • we then left mum and child behind to try to get the train child was having a meltdown anyway but after realising that was too late we slowed down our pace, resulting in mum and child catching up with us and having to walk together while child kept calling me stinky poop for several times ignoring him mum's plea to stop.

AIBU for not wanting to meet this child ever again and now dreading to have to spend a week with them in August?

OP posts:
FanFckingTastic · 03/08/2020 13:59

I have also sent a message to the mum telling her I was concerned about my son's behaviour today and I don't want the children to play together unsupervised during the holiday.

OP is this Mum actually your friend? There's now way that I would send this kind of message to anyone that I cared about. From what you've said the other Mother was aware of her very young child's behavior and was probably mortified by it. Your message was probably a real kick in the teeth.

Your child is going to meet a range of kids throughout his childhood and needs to be able to deal with them all. Kids are challenging at the best of times, with or without any additional needs or issues that they may have. It's actually a really good lesson for them to play with other kids that are not like them - whether that's because they are a different age or have a different neurological set up.

DopamineHits · 03/08/2020 14:04

although towards the end child decided he wanted to lay down on his and son's chair so my son had to stand up while his mum was finishing her meal

You are far more patient than me. I would have taken my son and left them to it. She sounds like she has the parenting skills of a piece of soggy lettuce. Cut contact.

I8toys · 03/08/2020 14:04

YANBU - don't go. You don't even know them. It would be miserable for all concerned.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 03/08/2020 14:06

It would definitely be preferable for you not to go on the holiday if you're going to be that precious about your own child and that stroppy/judgemental about other people's.
If I'd been in the OP's shoes, there would have been a polite shitting fit at the sand throwing: that is dangerous and completely unacceptable. I'd have also said to the four year old at table, 'Come on, let's move you along, this one needs a chair as well, so he can eat his lunch'.

One of my DC was, to put it mildly, a fucking nightmare as a toddler and young child. We had a three strikes and you're out policy at toddler group which meant that, like a PP, I'd be leaving early with a kicking, screaming toddler literally tucked under one arm, so it's not as though I don't understand. I just don't think that it's fair to let your child behave dangerously and snatch toys/chairs/scooters off other DC.

Billben · 03/08/2020 14:08

child decided he wanted to lay down on his and son's chair so my son had to stand up while his mum was finishing her meal.

And you did what exactly at this point? Because I sure as hell would have told him to get up or the mother to get up if she can’t control her son. There is no way in hell my child would have been the one stood standing.

Nixen · 03/08/2020 14:10

Well clearly you weren’t supervising your child for him to have been able to be out of your sight for 10 minutes?
I can’t believe you sent that text, you’ll have made that poor woman feel like shit. I hope the other families going on the holiday are kinder to her.

Billben · 03/08/2020 14:10

To which she apologised saying her child can be naughty and when kids are together can copy behaviour.

So she is blaming your DS 🙄

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/08/2020 14:12

Why on earth did you allow your son to stand while the other kid lay across his seat? Did you open your mouth at any point?
I literally can't picture someone just sitting there like a limp lettuce while this was happening.

TorgosPizza · 03/08/2020 14:13

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't feel sorry enough for the other child's mum to want to inflict her bratty child on myself or my own child. You are definitely not being unreasonable to not want to see that child again.

TorgosPizza · 03/08/2020 14:18

I wouldn't have sent that text, but I would definitely avoid spending time alone with just the two of you and your sons, which some would say is worse than speaking to her about it and openly acknowledging the situation.

littledrummergirl · 03/08/2020 14:19

When my Ds2 was around that age, he and 2 of his friends caused some minor issues with a piece of a clubs equipment.
Myself and one of the parents came down hard on our dc, written apologies, club discipline, rectifying the situation. The other parent stated that it wasn't her son, he wouldn't do that. When it proved with cctv that he was the main cause, she said her little angel dc had been led astray by the others, it wasn't his fault. She failed to enforce any boundaries and refused for her dc to take part in being disciplined.
These dc are all adults now. Guess which one has seen the inside of a prison cell?
Hint- none of the ones who faced consequences.
That text was unkind and unnecessary.

DipSwimSwoosh · 03/08/2020 14:21

I would've given my 6 year old hell had he run off with a younger child for 10 minutes.
I bet the other mother is wondering why you didn't.

Hileni · 03/08/2020 14:22

OP, there's no such thing as a naughty child. YWBVU to tell him he was. Behaviour is communication.

The text you sent was horrible. The kids right, you are a stinky poop.

Mittens030869 · 03/08/2020 14:22

I have also sent a message to the mum telling her I was concerned about my son's behaviour today and I don't want the children to play together unsupervised during the holiday.

Sorry, you lost any sympathy I had for you when you said this. That was just plain nasty. As a mum to 2 adopted DDs (now 11 and 8), who have been very challenging at times, a text like that would have been really upsetting.

YANBU not to want to go on holiday with them, though.

Jojobar · 03/08/2020 14:25

Other child's mother sounds lazy and inept, and effectively encourages this behaviour by saying 'naaaw don't do that darling' in a passive fashion in public and completely ignoring it in private.

I know a few families with young children, no special needs, who parents describe as 'lively' or 'high spirited' for which read brattish, unruly, violent and entirely unpleasant to be around. Those parents have zero authority, their children assault others and speak to adults like dirt.

OP I'd steer a wide berth unless you want to end up like a friend of mine whose child aged 9 was half strangled by another of 7 because the 7 year old wanted the older boy's toy and he wouldn't give it up to him. School washed their hands of it, as our school did when my eldest was assaulted in primary school by a boy in the year above and left with permanent facial scarring.

britINscotland · 03/08/2020 14:32

did you pay for your part of the trip yourself OP? would you lose anything if you cancelled your stay?

Personally I would see if I could cancel and arrange something else somewhere else.

oakleaffy · 03/08/2020 14:35

OP, The child sounds like he needs firm boundaries and good discipline {discipline is not hitting} from his mother.
It must be hellish to have a ''naughty child'' {every class has one} but it is down to the mother to rein him in. She gave birth to him, he is her responsibility.

I'd not go on holiday with them, and his mother seems a bit feeble in telling him what is acceptable {or not}.

Standrewsschool · 03/08/2020 14:36

According to another thread, it’s okay to have kids that aren’t well behaved...

OLGADEEPOLGA · 03/08/2020 14:37

Don't go on holiday with them.

Sorted.

RandallLOVESBeth · 03/08/2020 14:39

It sounds like her kid is a handful. My DS was that ‘naughty’ child at that age (although it later turned out he has ASC).

I’m not excusing her son’s behaviour at all, but it does sound like she is aware and at least trying to deal with it. Some 4 yr olds are arseholes, to be honest, SEN aside, and it is hard parenting them. I feel quite sorry for her.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be going on holiday with a group if I was her. Especially after your message. It’ll just be so stressful and joyless, being judged all holiday.

It’s fair enough if you’re not happy with your DS being around her DS, I suppose, but to be honest it’s your job to supervise YOUR young child and discipline HIS behaviour. If he is easily led by others, focus on that.

IamHyouweegobshite · 03/08/2020 14:39

I'm a mum to a child with asd, and undiagnosed adhd. This could have been written about her. It's so sad. The amount of people who don't believe her diagnosis and just see her behaviour, what they don't see is the loneliness that she has, the social isolation that the family feel and the self harm she inflicts on herself.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 03/08/2020 14:43

YABU

You cannot blame a child for you losing sight of your son. Your son didn't have to race away and he is older than the other child.

The mum sounds like she could do with support. Possibly the child has difficulties, maybe not, but he is still a young child.

You don't have to spend the time with them though - it's up to you who you mix with.

Schoolchoicesucks · 03/08/2020 14:46

My youngest could have behaved similarly at 4. I found it difficult taking him places with acquaintances whose children were more compliant (as my elder child had been). He still has his moments, but is able to manage his behaviour and temper more now.

I don't understand why you would need to text to alert the mother that you don't want the kids to play together unsupervised. Why would a 4 and 6 year old be unsupervised?

To me, it sounds as though there were several times when you should have stepped in and managed the situation better. To allow your child to have a chair, to call your child back when they went out of your sight. To take the scooter out of the other child's hand when it was time to leave. To tell the other child firmly not to call you names. Yes, it would have been great if the other parent had stepped in, but she may well be worn down from having to try to deal with her dc's behaviours constantly. In any case, if someone is being ineffectual and it is impacting on you and your child, you step in. You don't need to shout or be rude, just firm.

Are there other children going away with you all? If so, just try to minimise time with this family. And set out some ground rules.

Motoko · 03/08/2020 14:50

The child's mother certainly was NOT trying her best, if all she did was ask him to stop doing those things. When he ignored her, there should have been consequences, with her taking her child home.

His behaviour is quite shocking, as is her lack of parenting, but OP shouldn't have put up with it either.

diddl · 03/08/2020 14:51

Why was it so important for these two kids to get to know each other?

Is it expected that they would play together on the holiday?

You should have left when your kid "had" to stand!

Who else will be on the holiday that you/your son can be with?

Will you have to see much of them or do they get on better with others in the group?