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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to see this child ever again?

369 replies

justchecking80 · 02/08/2020 22:59

Today son (6yo) and I met acquaintance mum and her child (4yo) for lunch and play in the park. We are both in a larger group due to go on holiday with kids later in August and mum approached me asking for a playdate so the kids "can get to know each other".
This child is "difficult" and prone to aggressive behaviour and tantrums. We've been out with them a couple of time and child has been very physical, in one instance even wrapping his arm around my son's neck.

Anyway, we met for lunch and things went ok, although towards the end child decided he wanted to lay down on his and son's chair so my son had to stand up while his mum was finishing her meal. Also, at one point the child started screaming extremely loudly with people staring at us.
We then went to the park where child has been:

  • throwing sand on my son, aiming to his face
  • being disobedient and totally disregarding what his mum was asking him to do/not to do
  • invited my son to a race with their scooters, resulting in me and mum losing sight of them for a good 10 minutes, I've never once lost my son before. During this time my son got slightly injured falling from the swing while child was pushing.
  • throwing gravel stones at me and my son, and carrying on after his mum asked him to stop
  • at the end of the playdate, we were due to leave and by now I was looking forward to it to catch the train home and after I asked the child to return my son's scooter because we needed to run for the train he decided to run away with it while his mum chasing him for a good 10 minute, resulting in us actually missing the train
  • when we finally got hold of them (mum was still trying to take the scooter out of child' hands) I told the child he was being naughty and he replied I am a stinky poop
  • we then left mum and child behind to try to get the train child was having a meltdown anyway but after realising that was too late we slowed down our pace, resulting in mum and child catching up with us and having to walk together while child kept calling me stinky poop for several times ignoring him mum's plea to stop.

AIBU for not wanting to meet this child ever again and now dreading to have to spend a week with them in August?

OP posts:
Notfeelinggreattoday · 03/08/2020 00:09

@justchecking thts good you have explained to your son as you may be spending time again with them
Will there be lots of other children going so your son can play with others as well ?
Sounds like mum is aware of his behaviour and doenst know how to deal with it or poss child has adhd or possibly something like that ? Will her dp be going as well , as maybe he had better control ?
At least you are aware of his behaviour and can be prepared etc bit sounds like childs mum could do with some help and a break as well

TheVanguardSix · 03/08/2020 00:09

Sounds like hell on wheels. I'd be giving that August holiday the big ol' swerve.

saraclara · 03/08/2020 00:09

Jeeze. I was about to be sympathetic but then I read that text.

Why on earth would you send that? You sort things out on holiday if they need sorting out. You don't send that sort of message before you even go, based on a single play date.

That poor woman. It wouldn't surprise me if that text led to her cancelling the holiday. Which given how crap life is for us all at the moment, would be tragic.

SionnachRua · 03/08/2020 00:10

She sounds like a nice woman but no one wants to be stuck with that kind of behaviour for a week. If you can back out then do.

There can be a bit of a maturity gap between a 4 and 6 year old anyway, they may just not be suited to play together.

WorraLiberty · 03/08/2020 00:10

@justchecking80

I am not blaming a 4yo for my 6yo behaviour at all, I think my son has the tendency to copycat other children's attitudes and he has been clearly warned running away is not acceptable.
See my 3 kids are all adults now and I can honestly tell you, you are coming across as 'that mum', who will only marginally make noises about their own child's naughty behaviour, but will always blame it on 'copying'.

The best thing you can do for everyone here is back out of the holiday if you think your precious 6 year old is going to copy such bad behaviour from a child just over half his age.

WingingItSince1973 · 03/08/2020 00:10

My GS went through a really bad patch at 2 and he's now 5 and seems to be growing out of it. The background has been really difficult for my GS having been abused by his father and had social services in his life. Myself and my DD (his mother) have worked hard to help him gain control of his emotions and his trust in people. He did hit out at other children and he had a key worker with him when at school. Im saying this from the other perspective as not all children misbehaving are doing it purely because they are naughty. Although i also totally respect the right of parents to not want their children hurt. How i view things now is that most children will push the boundaries whatever their background and that child is 4 years old. His mum probably doesn't know which way to turn and is exhausted. Your message would have broken my daughter. Fortunately we have great friends and family, most of them have had one or two of their children acting this way in their early years and understand the frustrations of children not being able to articulate their feelings and lash out. My GS would look like he was just a nasty child but actually he would loose it if a child got too close. Its not fair on the other child of course and we would always remove him. But they also need boundaries and I bet your friend is so anxious and wiped out that she's just given in. There are also those parents that do think their kids can do no wrong! Its hard to judge but I wouldn't say your son is perfect. He took advantage of a situation and went off for 10 minutes and played on the swings. If he was that bothered he would have come back to find you. I doubt that the 4 year old had managed to persuade him to be naughty. Kids will be kids at then end of the day. Maybe next time you see them try and engage with the 4 year old. Get him on a subject he enjoys. Use distraction methods and above all dont be obvious that you dislike him! Sorry that's alot of information. There's a whole wealth of valuable tools which can be used to help diffuse a situation like this x

MarthasGinYard · 03/08/2020 00:10

Bloody hell it gets worse

Porridgeoat · 03/08/2020 00:11

Probably a good time to teach your son some rules so he has strategies when faced with difficult behaviour.

  • to stay in sight of you
  • to play with children when they are being nice
  • to stop playing with children when they are not nice. Tell him to walk away from the child saying I only play with children who are nice to me
Waveysnail · 03/08/2020 00:11

So you sent her a message bascially saying that her 4 yr old is a little sh+t and his behaviour has corrupted your precious 6 year old because he has never behaved like that before Hmm

KorkMum · 03/08/2020 00:12

Dont meet again OP. My childs autistic and has been difficult but not like that, that's just naughty.

cbt944 · 03/08/2020 00:13

Sounds like a very unrelaxing 'holiday'.

Porridgeoat · 03/08/2020 00:13

Also end the play date as soon as you notice really unkind behaviour. no point in hanging around being on the receiving end. Apologise to mum and explain that you’d better get off as your son looks unhappy. Prioritise you’re sons happiness

saraclara · 03/08/2020 00:13

SEN mum here. It seems glaringly obvious that the child has special needs

SEN teacher here, and no it isn't. This kid sounds exactly like my nephew at four. He was a complete nightmare, and made us start to dread family get-togethers. But as time went on he improved, school sorted him out to a degree, and her turned into a great teenager and is now a lovely guy. No SEN issues at all. Just a spoiled brat at that stage.

Eastie77 · 03/08/2020 00:14

I've always thought a holidays with friends and their children is just a recipe for disaster and have dodged quite a few suggested group breaks. Doesn't sound as if you'll have a relaxing time tbh. I'd probably cancel in your shoes but I do have a particularly low tolerance for badly behaved children. It does sound as if the 4 year has other things going on though. His behaviour is way beyond just being high spirited or a bit of a handful. The only child I know of who called adults names at that age turned out to have SEN.

WingingItSince1973 · 03/08/2020 00:14

Just read your update. Wow that poor mum. You could have spoken to her face to face as one mum to another and said what could be done to help? Let's hope your next one is just as perfect as your first x

AfterSchoolWorry · 03/08/2020 00:14

ugh, you're 'that parent'. Everyone else is to blame if your child is bold.

Porridgeoat · 03/08/2020 00:14

I have done this, followed by a break of a month and things were better for my kid

Piixxiiee · 03/08/2020 00:15

Wow would never have texted that to someone I hardly know!
Think I would go on holiday with the group and get my child to play with kids his age not the little ones. I would be supervising so no need to text another parent before hand about n imaginary situation that may occur.
But ultimately it was your child that scooted away and went on swings- at 6 he really should know better. I have a 6 & 4 year old for context. The 4 year old doesnt sound too nice but not exactly wildly inappropriate behaviour- throwing sand and scooting away.... sounds normal really.
What did your son think of playdate?

Thisismytimetoshine · 03/08/2020 00:16

Kid's behaviour aside, why are you going on holiday with acquaintances you've never even met? How many of the group do you actually know?
Sending that message was bloody rude.

TheVanguardSix · 03/08/2020 00:17

I have also sent a message to the mum telling her I was concerned about my son's behaviour today and I don't want the children to play together unsupervised during the holiday

Oh you really didn't need to do that, OP. That's just unnecessary. Sweep your side of the street. The boy may be a nightmare and all sorts BUT your only role here is to parent and supervise your child, which you didn't do in the park, hence the 10 minute search. That's on you. And if you go on the holiday, it's not your place to sweep anyone else's street. You just look after your son and make the best choices for him. And you can do this without hurting anyone (in future).

Piixxiiee · 03/08/2020 00:17

Just read some other posts. I'm SEN teacher too.... calling names and throwing sand sound normal no way would I be looking at SEN from those behaviours. Just pushing boundaries to see what you/his mum would do...

Lindy2 · 03/08/2020 00:17

It sounds very much like ADHD to me. His mum is probably embarrassed and exhausted.

I'm confused as to why you are going away with people you don't even know. Particularly due to Coronavirus. Do you really want to be mixing with different households where you don't even know the other families? You're not going to be 2m apart from them are you even in different accommodation.

I was going to suggest some polite ways to try and keep your distance whilst you are away but then I read the unbelievably condescending text you just sent. I'm pretty sure that family won't want anything else to do with you so that's probably sorted now.

I hope the other mum isn't too hurt by you. It's very very hard being the parent of a SEN child and often very lonely. It often feels like you're the worst parent in the world no matter how hard you try, so receiving a message like that from "super perfect mum" can be absolutely crushing. I know from experience.

BreathlessCommotion · 03/08/2020 00:18

My dd has ASD and at 4 was not diagnosed. She was/is more than handful! She has bitten, punched and pushed other children (usually one close friend), she had and has huge meltdowns including screaming, hitting, biting- mostly aimed at us, sometimes her brother.

To the outside world it often looks like she is tantruming to get her own way, and that we often give in to her. But really she is most often anxious and worried and needs to feel in control in a world that feels totally out of control and understanding.

She knows hitting, biting, pushing are wrong. Afterwards she is always utterly ashamed. She can't help it and we are gradually helping her to find ways to manage her feelings more appropriately.

Sometimes she acts in a way that seems very rude or completely bonkers, but she doesn't interpret the world in the same way.

Luckily we have a group of close friends who accept her as she is, and us and all the craziness that comes with it.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/08/2020 00:18

Cancel the Holiday ... your Sons break will be hell on earth

SentientAndCognisant · 03/08/2020 00:19

My dd was at nursery with a child who swore,bit,called people names.No SEN
Just lackadaisical parents who over indulged their child with no boundaries

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