For not wanting to see this child ever again?

[justchecking80]

Today son (6yo) and I met acquaintance mum and her child (4yo) for lunch and play in the park. We are both in a larger group due to go on holiday with kids later in August and mum approached me asking for a playdate so the kids "can get to know each other".
This child is "difficult" and prone to aggressive behaviour and tantrums. We've been out with them a couple of time and child has been very physical, in one instance even wrapping his arm around my son's neck.

Anyway, we met for lunch and things went ok, although towards the end child decided he wanted to lay down on his and son's chair so my son had to stand up while his mum was finishing her meal. Also, at one point the child started screaming extremely loudly with people staring at us.
We then went to the park where child has been:

• throwing sand on my son, aiming to his face
• being disobedient and totally disregarding what his mum was asking him to do/not to do
• invited my son to a race with their scooters, resulting in me and mum losing sight of them for a good 10 minutes, I've never once lost my son before. During this time my son got slightly injured falling from the swing while child was pushing.
• throwing gravel stones at me and my son, and carrying on after his mum asked him to stop
• at the end of the playdate, we were due to leave and by now I was looking forward to it to catch the train home and after I asked the child to return my son's scooter because we needed to run for the train he decided to run away with it while his mum chasing him for a good 10 minute, resulting in us actually missing the train
• when we finally got hold of them (mum was still trying to take the scooter out of child' hands) I told the child he was being naughty and he replied I am a stinky poop
• we then left mum and child behind to try to get the train child was having a meltdown anyway but after realising that was too late we slowed down our pace, resulting in mum and child catching up with us and having to walk together while child kept calling me stinky poop for several times ignoring him mum's plea to stop.

AIBU for not wanting to meet this child ever again and now dreading to have to spend a week with them in August?

If the child has special needs, the mother will make new friends with parents at groups especially for children with behaviour problems

Away from all the nice, normal kids who shouldn't be sullied by associating with those with additional needs?

2 things here, firstly I probably would avoid in future and secondly with a pandemic going on would also be avoiding holiday-ing in a large group

"Away from all the nice, normal kids who shouldn't be sullied by associating with those with additional needs?"

Yes all the concern for "vulnerable children" has disappeared. Back to calling them names and saying they shouldn't be around 'nice normals'.

@Spikeyball

"Away from all the nice, normal kids who shouldn't be sullied by associating with those with additional needs?"

Yes all the concern for "vulnerable children" has disappeared. Back to calling them names and saying they shouldn't be around 'nice normals'.

Depressing isn't it?

If the child has special needs, the mother will make new friends with parents at groups especially for children with behaviour problems

Too much categorisation going on here. Children are on a spectrum, not in strict categories of 'nice' and 'behaviourally challenged'. And 'behaviour problems' span a wide range. Some children may behave perfectly well in public, but have other challenging traits such as lying, sneaky meanness or feelings of superiority towards others. Some who are 'naughty' in public may be kind and thoughtful to others. For example, my son can be challenging and boisterous, but he is also quite empathetic...He gets upset when children around him are upset and wants them to be happy and so will moderate his behaviour. Some well-behaved children are easily led into bad behaviour by others and need help to be more assertive and make better judgements. Many vulnerable children who display challenging behaviour are desperate for approval from adults and from their peers. And you want to exclude them? I agree that children shouldn't be forced to be around other children who are making them uncomfortable and who are hurting them, but it is judgemental and simplistic to say that 'special needs' children should be kept apart. Talk about categorising for life!

@Spikeyball he doesn't like it when his mum talks to other children, doesn't like children to have his toys or their own toys, snacks, etc.

I can totally understand just how hard it is raising a child on the spectrum. There are very little support groups for kids like hers and mine but my friend doesn't deal with or know how to deal with her child's behaviour. He's such a lovely little boy when he's by himself but doesn't cope well with other children. Mum text me after we left to apologise for his behaviour and said that he doesn't like babies and always does that to younger children.

I feel for her because she tells me she is in a lot because of his behaviour, doesn't get invited to parties and has no friends at nursery.

Its a difficult situation for everyone. I can't let my daughter be around him because he goes for her the minute he sees her. He doesn't go near my 8 year old. My friend is lovely but has limited support, with lockdown and groups off, she's struggling.

All of my sympathy lies with the 4 yr olds mum, she probably has very few friends because of her childs behavioural difficulties, it must be so lonely and really I cannot believe the amount of parents who will literally just abandon friends simply because of this- it is a time when you need people the most yet all they can do or say is ‘oh what a badly behaved child’ instead of trying to understand what is an absolute nightmare for the parent. You are most definitely being unreasonable and I would not want you as a so called friend.

Yanbu at all op. Very few people would want their child to be around one like that!
He may or may not have issues - but that is not your concern. He sounds very unpleasant. I doubt your ds would even want to play with him anyway.

@Timekeeper1 is bang on the money.

Too frequently, diagnoses of ADHD are used to excuse plain, old-fashioned bad behaviour from kids whose parents don’t want to tell them no.

To be fair I might have chickened out and gone for the "I don't think our kids gel well at this stage" approach to the text.

You should have spoken up and nipped the bad behaviour in the bud once the child demanded that he sit in your child's chair.

You are responsible for the safety and whereabouts of your child, not another child. You should have intervened when the sand and stones? throwing started and the rough playing started.

Kid sounds like a handful and I feel sorry for the Mother, but it sounds like she allows her child to run rings around her. Maybe child is has SEN. You could S upport her to access help with that.
Sometimes, it's just bad parenting. Lockdown is affecting us all negatively, obviously including children. A lot of people have kids who are running around like lunatics due to lockdown!

It baffles me that you would you arrange to go on holiday with people you've hardly spent any time with. And it's not like we're in a pandemic.

And you shouldn't have sent that text message. It was inappropriate and you blamed a child for your child's behaviour.
Your child = your responsibility.

It sounds a bit annoying but they are kids at the end of the day. I think you are being a bit over the top. The child is 4. There is a huge difference between 4 and 6. You son may be a bit calmer but many boys as very rambunctious.

I think the message wa unnecessary and I also think you have probably made her feel awful as it implies it is her son's fault.

Forget the boys hanging out - I wouldn't want to be your friend. It sounds like she needs support not judgement.

The child does sound a handful and the mum definitely needs to square him up but you sound a bit bubble wrappy as well. Never going to be a good combo. Lighten up a bit on your son, kids like to race and run around acting daft, he won’t die over a grazed knee, let him be a child.
Sorry but you also got a little too upset over being called a stinky poop. I’m guessing he could sense how upset you was and did it all the more.
Good luck for your holiday!

I have to say I sympathise with you greatly. I have a daughter and found ourselves in the same situation with a boy of the same age at school.
Both were 5.
Anyway, because my wife was very friendly with the mum, we met often.
It was a nightmare more for myself (being a softy) and our daughter really was on the receiving end of this young boys aggression. He kicked, punched, pinched and often left our daughter in tears.
His mother was fully aware of her sons behaviour but simply couldn't control him. His father encouraged the boy, and thought he was just being very macho.

Quite by accident, I found a remedy. One day, whilst out in the park, the boy pounced on my daughter, He was on top of her pinching and biting and my daughter was screaming. I lost my patience, ran over and shouted to my daughter' 'don't just let him pinch you! pinch him back hard!', which to my surprise she did!
The boy screamed and quickly ran back to his mother, who was to be fair a little speechless and surprised; the bully had felt what it was like to be the victim.
From that day onward, my daughter was no longer scared of him and he certainly kept his distance.

I make no apologies for inciting my daughter to 'hit back', as it turned out it was the only thing that worked.

@AddictedToLoveIsland

but many boys as very rambunctious.

That is true - I imagine my son might be one such as he’s already very determined and physically resilient too at nearly 1, with boundless energy. He’s like the Duracell bunny!

But that’s no reason to let him behave downright aggressively and if he ever tried to behave like that 4 year old behaved, I would come down on him like a tonne of bricks. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile, that’s my mantra. “Boys will be boys” isn’t gonna wash with me, I fear.

Oh dear I would not have sent that message to the other mum, that isn't kind and will stick with her for a long time.

My DD has adhd and was really difficult, picture single parent of 2, waiting in the GP surgery feeling and probably obviously really ill, can't cope with DD who is 3years old finding it difficult to sit down and causing chaos although not involving other children. Parent is sat opposite, perfectly behaved children, really judgemental stare, instead of offering to help, makes a complaint to the practice manager who bans my DD from the surgery (not me or my other child, just my 3 year old adhd child!). When I asked why she said that it was because this other parent had complained. I might add that there were no toys supplied at the surgery & she was hardly tearing the place apart, she was though loud and irritating.
This was 20 years ago, yet still it sticks with me, devastated that there are such judgemental people - OP please be kind! It is only by the grace of god that this isn't you struggling with your child.

I really feel for the mum. So many people will be judging her and her son. She will be at her wits end, feeling like she has failed as a parent. I have 4 DC. 3 NT DS and 1 DS with ADHD. I have had comments, stares and stopped taking my DC out because them. He was banned from soft play for "being too boisterous" (a parent complained) and those comments stick with you. It is hard to cope with. Our local opticians is amazing. One of the receptionist had had a complaint about DS being loud. He came over to me "He has ADHD doesnt he?" I nodded about to cry "So do I" he said and brought out some books and colouring things. He sat with my DS until he was called in. Things like that make a huge difference. Maybe just show a bit of kindness. It can make a massive difference.

YANBU.

This child may or may not have SEN issues but it's not your problem to concern yourself with and I'm pretty sure if that was the case the mother would have mentioned something, even if he hadn't been diagnosed yet.

Move on and don't think on it.