For not wanting to see this child ever again?

[justchecking80]

Today son (6yo) and I met acquaintance mum and her child (4yo) for lunch and play in the park. We are both in a larger group due to go on holiday with kids later in August and mum approached me asking for a playdate so the kids "can get to know each other".
This child is "difficult" and prone to aggressive behaviour and tantrums. We've been out with them a couple of time and child has been very physical, in one instance even wrapping his arm around my son's neck.

Anyway, we met for lunch and things went ok, although towards the end child decided he wanted to lay down on his and son's chair so my son had to stand up while his mum was finishing her meal. Also, at one point the child started screaming extremely loudly with people staring at us.
We then went to the park where child has been:

• throwing sand on my son, aiming to his face
• being disobedient and totally disregarding what his mum was asking him to do/not to do
• invited my son to a race with their scooters, resulting in me and mum losing sight of them for a good 10 minutes, I've never once lost my son before. During this time my son got slightly injured falling from the swing while child was pushing.
• throwing gravel stones at me and my son, and carrying on after his mum asked him to stop
• at the end of the playdate, we were due to leave and by now I was looking forward to it to catch the train home and after I asked the child to return my son's scooter because we needed to run for the train he decided to run away with it while his mum chasing him for a good 10 minute, resulting in us actually missing the train
• when we finally got hold of them (mum was still trying to take the scooter out of child' hands) I told the child he was being naughty and he replied I am a stinky poop
• we then left mum and child behind to try to get the train child was having a meltdown anyway but after realising that was too late we slowed down our pace, resulting in mum and child catching up with us and having to walk together while child kept calling me stinky poop for several times ignoring him mum's plea to stop.

AIBU for not wanting to meet this child ever again and now dreading to have to spend a week with them in August?

I hope the trip has been reconsidered OP...

While I agree the 4 to behaviour was challenging, you sound a bit wet. When you saw your son heading off on his scooter did you tell him to stop? Could you not run after them, and is it really that bad if your 6 yo is out of your sight for a minute? Did the 4 yo really push your child off the swing, how could that happen if your child was holding on? It sounds to me like you are blaming this child for things that aren't his fault.

@Timekeeper1

If that is so, *@auntieElle* you shouldn't be going around suggesting children with SEN don't know the difference between right and wrong, that they have a reason to behave like that. Imo your attitude is as offensive to me, as mine may be to you. It makes me sad that a special needs TA thinks that SEN causes this type of behaviour.

But I haven’t said any of that. You do understand that? I simply objected to your statement:

And don't give me this SEN/ADHD/ASD stuff, I worked at a school and these kids can behave if they want to, it's all an excuse.

Your ignorance is so total that it’s not possible to have a discussion with you. You’re projecting views that you don’t agree with on to me. Kind of kills a conversation.

Sorry for the derail, OP.

Some of the people here judging her, makes me wonder about their motives for doing so.
Their motives are purely that they see themselves in that mother and resent being called out. Those types of mums always out themselves.

Their aggressiveness shows. The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. Children are often a product of their upbringing and environment. If a mother thinks they can excuse themselves from proper parenting and use labels as an excuse, it's obvious how the poor DC are going to turn out. I've seen it hundreds of times. I agree, and I think the OP has handled herself very respectfully and assertively.

@auntieElle Don't act so innocent, you may not have said it directly, but what you have said speaks volumes. You truly believe SEN means a child doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. It doesn't.
Not at all. Your ignorance is impenetrable. And it is that ignorance that is unfortunately, causing so much damage to the current and future generations.

Not sure why the board is posting my messages with random new sentences on the next line.

Anyway, I think I'll Hide This Thread for my own sanity. These types of discussions make me lose faith in humanity, and arguing with ignorance is like playing chess with a pigeon. Pointless.

[quote Timekeeper1]@auntieElle Don't act so innocent, you may not have said it directly, but what you have said speaks volumes. You truly believe SEN means a child doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. It doesn't.
Not at all. Your ignorance is impenetrable. And it is that ignorance that is unfortunately, causing so much damage to the current and future generations.[/quote]
😂😂 Barking.

Timekeeper1 has spoken more sense and more honestly than anyone else on here... FINALLY

I don’t understand the dynamics of the group holiday where you don’t all know each other. Or why you had a play date to get to know each other when in fact you do know each other enough to have had the kid foisted off on you, and to come up with a lot of criticism about the mums parenting.
That text message was harsh and uncalled for.
You lost sight of your child for 10 minutes- that’s on you. The other child is 4, at 6 your child should know better.
Child lies on your sons seat so he had to stand. Sit up please in a stern voice, that is dd chair.
Child throwing sand/ gravel. Tell the child firmly to stop. Then redirect them to a game.
Kids run off and are out of sight for 10 minutes and when you get there your child is injured. Bollock them for running off and tell them if they had followed the rules they wouldn’t have got injured. (Unless you can see copious amounts of blood or a broken limb then maybe deal with that before the bollocking)
Child runs away with scooter- his mum sounds like she did all she could to control him. Yeah it’s unfortunate you missed the train. But you said you were only leaving because the kid was throwing gravel so presumably it wasn’t booked and there would be another at some point.
Child calls you names. That’s not very polite now is it? And ignore ignore ignore.

You and the other mum might have different parenting styles. When you said she was too busy socializing she might just not be as much of a helicopter parent as you sound

"And don't give me this SEN/ADHD/ASD stuff, I worked at a school and these kids can behave if they want to, it's all an excuse"

What was your role? Not one with any qualifications or specialist training in additional needs I expect.

I just want to know why you were going to go on holiday with people you hardly know.

@auntieElle

And don't give me this SEN/ADHD/ASD stuff, I worked at a school and these kids can behave if they want to, it's all an excuse.

Let’s hope that your days working in a school are well behind you, @Timekeeper1. With those ignorant “beliefs and opinions” you shouldn’t be around children. And that’s from someone who loathes boundaryless parenting.

Bloody hope this person never works with my child or any other vulnerable person, ever. Not that I actually believe they’re in anyway qualified to with that shower of shite attitude

I think my son has the tendency to copycat other children's attitudes

Oh. You’re one of those. It isn’t other childrens’ fault your son misbehaves.

And no YADNBU to never want to see this child again, I most certainly wouldn’t. Nothing worse than a misbehaving child & a passive parent asking them to behave. The child, whether neurotypical or not is running rings around the mum.

Honestly, he isn’t your problem. She is an acquaintance not a close friend...I would fade away from this one & make excuses to not see them again.

Life’s too short to have your days out spoilt by a misbehaving, rude child.

He will grow up with no friends if his behaviour continues. And mum is enabling his behaviour by not having left much earlier to end this playdate. If my kid was behaving like this iwould have taken him home a long time ago.

Mum needs to step up. And you need to not let your kid play with this kid again.they are obvs not a good fit for one another .keep your distance from them when you are on the holiday.

@Timekeeper1 you sound like you have zero knowledge of children with ADHD or autism.

I do have a daughter with ADHD and while she wouldn't do most of these things, she may well lay on a chair that someone else was using and then sit up she is asked etc. I am an incredibly consistent and firm parent but I know without a doubt that some things my daughter just can't help.

I can ask her to sit still at the table until I am blue in the face for example or tell her that she needs to complete work while offering a trip to the park as a reward and she still wouldn't be able to do those things sometimes. My daughter has a very mild case, there are children out there far, far worse with parents who work their arse off to teach their kids right from wrong while seemingly achieving nothing.

I can't actually write what I want to as it would get me banned but you really need to check yourself.

This holiday sounds a really bad idea. The fact that mum isn't really trying to control the child would be what would make me not want to spend time with them again.

I'd have been tempted to leave after the standing up to eat incident, his mum could have at least offered your son her chair if she couldn't be bothered to get her own to sit up.

Would the mum not have mentioned the ASD/ADHD when you made plans, or suggested a quieter environment for less sensory overload?

@vikingwife

Have only read the OP - but in the childfree community we would describe this kind of child as “free contraception”

How vile. And why are you claiming to speak on behalf of a “community”? Speak for yourself.

"And don't give me this SEN/ADHD/ASD stuff, I worked at a school and these kids can behave if they want to, it's all an excuse."

So ignorant I'd want to laugh if it wasn't for the damage people like you cause. A bit of pencil sharpening and putting up displays ( I'm guessing that is what your work was) doesn't give you any credible knowledge about special needs.

OP,
The child sounds challenging but you were aware of that.

I would focus on your 6 year old being so easily led astray by a little 4 year old.

Your son ran off.

Blaming the other child, who is 4 for your son's behaviour is not kind.

I would focus on your child.

I would hope that a 4 year old and a 6 year old wouldn't be left playing unsupervised on the holiday, or anywhere, so it seems like a moot point.

I hope the holiday goes well.

@timekeeper1 I used to be smug about wild kids. Til I had my own. Plus one who behaved. So...it possibly wasn't my shit parenting to blame....working within a school will not give you insight into parenting a difficult child. I work in a school. Kids are very different in a school setting. My little savage was incredibly good throughout school. Zero detentions and glowing parents eves...you getting SEN kids to behave in a school setting is pretty irrelevant here. If you had calm children yourself...be careful you don't take too much credit... oh hang on, I expect you already did. Hope your grandchildren aren't TOO wild...

A bit of pencil sharpening and putting up displays ( I'm guessing that is what your work was)

No one’s employed just to do that, @Spikeyball. A TA, especially these days, will likely have worked directly with SEN kids. I expect Timekeeper was office or kitchen-based.