For not wanting to see this child ever again?

[justchecking80]

Today son (6yo) and I met acquaintance mum and her child (4yo) for lunch and play in the park. We are both in a larger group due to go on holiday with kids later in August and mum approached me asking for a playdate so the kids "can get to know each other".
This child is "difficult" and prone to aggressive behaviour and tantrums. We've been out with them a couple of time and child has been very physical, in one instance even wrapping his arm around my son's neck.

Anyway, we met for lunch and things went ok, although towards the end child decided he wanted to lay down on his and son's chair so my son had to stand up while his mum was finishing her meal. Also, at one point the child started screaming extremely loudly with people staring at us.
We then went to the park where child has been:

• throwing sand on my son, aiming to his face
• being disobedient and totally disregarding what his mum was asking him to do/not to do
• invited my son to a race with their scooters, resulting in me and mum losing sight of them for a good 10 minutes, I've never once lost my son before. During this time my son got slightly injured falling from the swing while child was pushing.
• throwing gravel stones at me and my son, and carrying on after his mum asked him to stop
• at the end of the playdate, we were due to leave and by now I was looking forward to it to catch the train home and after I asked the child to return my son's scooter because we needed to run for the train he decided to run away with it while his mum chasing him for a good 10 minute, resulting in us actually missing the train
• when we finally got hold of them (mum was still trying to take the scooter out of child' hands) I told the child he was being naughty and he replied I am a stinky poop
• we then left mum and child behind to try to get the train child was having a meltdown anyway but after realising that was too late we slowed down our pace, resulting in mum and child catching up with us and having to walk together while child kept calling me stinky poop for several times ignoring him mum's plea to stop.

AIBU for not wanting to meet this child ever again and now dreading to have to spend a week with them in August?

You can’t blame a 4 yr old for you losing your child so I think ur text to the mum was uncalled for .
Now the mum will be acutely aware of your dynamics since u highlighted it .
parenting is hard enough without getting guilt trip texts :(
Maybe stay away from them but now it’s going to be v obvious whereas you could have done it much more gently .

I’d avoid them like the plague.
My son has additional needs and these threads always annoy me as there’s the assumptions. My son has always had boundaries.
We have a family like this in our general circle and their daughter has always been out of control (no SEN) and she’s got worse as she’s got older.
The mum won’t give any boundaries and it’s got to the point that we all no longer can go out with her as the child just attacks us and our children.

So when OPs DC was forced to stand whilst the other child laid across both seats and the other mum keep eating, that wasn't OK - it should've been dealt with by the other mum. The sand and gravel throwing should've been dealt with too, by whoever's child was throwing. Both DC racing off should've also been dealt with by both parents.
And when the other mum failed to do so, it should have been dealt with by op. It's beyond my comprehension that someone should stand meekly by while their child is ordered out of his seat by another child. Or pelted with gravel.
Yet op appears to have kept her mouth tightly shut whilst actually there, but goes on to send that incredibly rude text?
Communication skills clearly isn't her greatest gift.

You need to be taking the reins a bit more here.
Disciplining someone else's child is generally a no go unless you are very good friends, however, if the behaviour impacts on you or your child there is nothing wrong with telling them it has to stop.
"No, you can't lie on that chair, Jimmy is sitting on it"
"Do not throw stones at me again"
"Get off my son's neck"
Etc
Dont dish out punishment or say "or else", but give a firm instruction or response that protects your child/you/your property.

Stop being so British about it basically lol

why are you going away with them if you have never got to know them? why go holiday with someone you have not met or got to know

YABU with friends like you who needs enemy's feel sorry for the poor mum I would of been inclined to have a chat with her in a friendly way she probably feels terrible and embarrassed the poor child sounds like he could be on spectrum for some disability

Hi aw feel sorry for you - it sounds like a nightmare day!!

I've had a few odd days like that & would be watching the kid like a hawk for any more behaviour. Unfortunately you're not going to be able to relax with him around so plan some time away/ with other mums. Good luck☘️🤞

I can think of several instances where people who don't know each other very well holiday together as it were, for those asking. Sometimes community centres organise trips away and if you live locally you can sign up.

I know the op isn’t replying anymore but just for the record — you are def not unreasonable. Your text was fine. I’d have done likewise. Can’t believe people are being so rude to you. If your child isn’t the sort to bolt off you are not expecting him to vanish and you assume the worst.

If you are going away with these people, they need to know you will not be childminding their kid and don’t want your own son spending too much time with theirs — lowers expectations from the off. There is nothing like a shared holiday to throw up different parenting approaches, and cause a whole load of upset with it.

He doesn’t sound like he has SEN or ADHD, he sounds like he has no boundaries. I don’t blame you not wanting your child to pick up his ways or find yourself responsible for him on your holiday. For the sake of niceness you might invite him to your chalet/tent/yurt/whatever for an hours play, but not to hang out together all week.

@Notredamn but would you do that in the middle of a pandemic?

@Thisismytimetoshine And when the other mum failed to do so, it should have been dealt with by op.

Disciplining other people's kids, particularly other people you don't know well, can be fraught with danger. You never know if it will be appreciated by an exhausted mum, or if you'll be told to butt out. I take your point, but it shouldn't be down to the OP or others to deal with, responsibility lies with parents.

Good gracious op, you put up with way more than I would. I do not tolerate naughty children.

I wouldn't call that discipline, exactly, Shawshank
Not when the child's actions are directly affecting either me or my child.
I always wouldn't care if I was told to butt out after telling a child to stop throwing stones at me or to get his head off my child's chair, tbh.

It sounds like a nightmare holiday, special needs or not, the mother is not in control of the child. The only way YABU is by allowing your son to be forced from his seat and pelted with stones. Assertiveness is called for - but how tiresome to have to bother with all this when you're supposed to be on holiday.

[quote ShawshanksRedemption]**@Thisismytimetoshine* And when the other mum failed to do so, it should have been dealt with by op.*

Disciplining other people's kids, particularly other people you don't know well, can be fraught with danger. You never know if it will be appreciated by an exhausted mum, or if you'll be told to butt out. I take your point, but it shouldn't be down to the OP or others to deal with, responsibility lies with parents.[/quote]
And if the parent is taking no responsibility? What then? Do you just allow a child to do whatever they want with no reprimand feom anywhere? I would have no issue telling someone else's child off of their behaviour is detrimental to me or my child, and I would expect others to do the same if my children's behaviour was unacceptable. I have reprimanded other people's children on many occasions, probably not as bluntly as I would with my own children, but they have defintely been told that their behaviour is unacceptable. The problem now is that no one dare speak up for fear of offending and the 'lovely little mites' continue to grow up feeling they can do whatever they want.

I think your text was harsh and unfair. Poor woman was no doubt broken when she got home and you twisted the knife in with that text. He sounds like a boisterous child for sure, but kids go through phase and the tables can easily turn at any point. Does your son like hanging out with him? If he does then I don't see why you can't continue with the play dates and go on hols though I echo the others and question why you're going on hols with people you barely know

I don't think you're being unfair at all & if I were you I'd use the current covid nightmare as a good reason to cancel the holiday! Which it is in its self.
The child does sound as if he has additional needs & I feel for his mum but ultimately you are going to be hyper aware & that 1 child could turn your trip into an exhausting nightmare ! Also it's a shame for your child & you if his holiday memories are constantly being hounded/irritated by this boy ! 🤷‍♀️ good luck 😘

OP, You have basically described my child’s behaviour. I understand a parent not wanting their child to be badly influenced or picking up bad habits, but if I had received that text from a friend I would be in pieces. Not because of what you said but because I know how I feel at the end of a stressful day. Today is one of them, I am often tearful, replaying the day in my head thinking how can I parent and discipline my child, what am I doing wrong? I also shy away from going out, meeting with people, as it is ‘easier‘ to stay in. To have someone else point out my failings would really hurt. The lockdown has exposed so many areas, and that mum could be struggling. Just a thought

I have been the other mum in this type of situation. Embarrassment doesn't begin to cover the feeling. Shame and disappointment in my parenting, sadness for ds2 that it was clear others didn't (quite understandably) want their children playing with him, just utter mortification snd despair.

I also understand how difficult it is to be you in this situation- my other 2 dc were never like this other little boy or my lovely ds2.

No aibu decision from me because I have been on both ends of this tricky stick- although I will say that with ds3's friends I am much, much more tolerant because I have more empathy with their parents, and try and use it as a way to teach ds3 that being friends with someone who can be a bit of a handful doesnt mean that they need to emulate the same behaviour OR put up with things they dont like/think is "naughty". There is still fun to be had, but I completely recognise the reticence to encourage such a friendship.

If a child is doing something that is likely to hurt my child, or myself, if their parent or caregiver doesn't do anything to intervene, I will very firmly tell them to stop that, that is not okay, and attempt to redirect both kids onto something else. If it happens a second time, that will be when we will be leaving.

If my child races off, when they know they are not allowed, I will be telling them off, and telling them that if they do that again, we will be going, no ifs, not buts, and they will have to hold my hand the whole way, as they will not be trusted to mind our rules. What the other child does is irrelevant.

You do seem to have been so busy being judgemental about the other child's poor behaviour, you have not protected your son from being poorly treated by the boy.

I guess it's a lesson in not arranging to go away with people you don't know!

You haveexplained to the mother you are sorry but your child does not get on with her child.
I feel sorry for her, but also you, and your child's safety comes first.
Then on holiday you just don't mix. I am unsure why anyone here would condemn you for being so sensible.
Perhaps they like naughty unruly rude children.

It does sound like the play date from hell, but the poor mum was obviously trying to stop her son, so I feel only sympathy for her.

I would feel sorry for you too, but that text was uncalled for and referring to your DS "copying" - I'm sorry but he's 2 years older than the other boy. My DS is 4 and he's definitely "copied" silly/naughty behaviour before. Even when the child is the same age as him or older, I hold my DS accountable, not the other child! If my DS was copying say a 3 year old being naughty, I wouldn't for one second point a finger at the YOUNGER child, or even bring them into it.

You’re entity’s find him hard work - you’re human. He obvs has some SEN. You sound very precious and annoying about your child- a 4 year old put his arm around the neck of ab6 year old / come on. Don’t go on the holiday if it bothers you that much.

Should have said you’re entitled to find him hard work