To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

[peekaboob]

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

@LannieDuck no he can't as he has maintenance contracts with lots of haulage firms. They don't have anyone else to fix the HGVs. He's been doing it for 20 years.

@lockdownalli it is of sorts anyway as I've told the estate agents no more viewings until kids are back at school. However I do have to sell my house regardless as I owe money to my dad and he wants it back. Ironically borrowed from him to pay the solicitor that helped me tackle my ex husband who was trying to make me homeless 🤷‍♀️
I won't say all men are shit, but the ones in my life definitely seem to be.

Why do u spoil your dss more than your own kids?
Why are you playing along with all of this.
Bin him and bin his crappy family.
HE is letting this happen.
You live your whole life around when he is free, why??
He can only spare you 1 family day a month its absolutely ridiculous!
Dont sell your house what ever you do this wont change, its unfair on your dd to have to grow up watching her father favour his son and let his parents treat her like she doesnt exist.
Your priorties are with your children.
You cant change shitty people but you can change how they effect your life.
Pull away op.

If you hadn’t said you’d met them and got them gifts from DD for special occasions I’d be thinking he hasn’t told them about you.

That’s the only reason I can think of as to why they invite DP, DS and DP’s ex for lunch - that they don’t know you exist. Have you had any contact with them lately? Are you sure he hasn’t told them you’ve split up?

Failing that, he needs to just stand up to them and tell them to include all of you or have none of you.

@TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER we've all been on holiday together, they definitely know I exist and prior to lockdown I would take DD there. But this isn't just a lockdown problem, it was happening before then during lockdown they invited DS/ex and DP round for lunch, then on Father's Day it was DP, DS, his sister and her family. I told him to sort it out between those times as it would happen again and he didn't and Father's Day happened.

@Countrysidelife54 because I want him to feel included. The others spend everyday with their/his sister as well as DP, even if it's just popping in. He sees it as he only sees his dad 3/4 days a month whereas my kids and DD see him nearly everyday. If I see something that i think my DS will like I'll buy one for him too as they have similar interests. At Christmas I make sure he has the same amount of presents if he is here.

Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work
Now you're trying to frame it that the ds has the shitty end of the stick, only seeing his Dad 3/4 times per month?

@Thisismytimetoshine no, but that's how DS sees it, he's a child! Everyday to a child is more than 3/4 times a month. He's not going to be totting up hours spent with his dad.

OP, it doesn't really matter what his family think of you..if they are ignoring their granddaughter like that I would put a stop to their relationship with your child. You dont want her to feel neglected. It is entirely your decision if you can live with your partner knowing he continues relationship with his parents even though they are horrible to you and his own daughter. I wouldn't be in hurry to move in with him, especially join finances

Cancel the house sale, unless he’s hard up your dad can wait. Don’t be in joint housing with this man who puts both you and your child bottom of the heap!

You still dont need to spoil him more than your own kids op.
My children were completly ignored by their gps literally never even bothered to meet them, all the while they bother with my dss.
The difference is my dp doesnt speak to them or bother with them either.
Your dp actively plays along with it all.
This myth of having to spoil a kid because they come from a family not living together does more harm than good to kids.

I also agree with pp cancel the house sale, look after your own kids, your dp doesnt even have his own daughters best interests at heart here, how do you think he is going to be with his step kids.
Take some control back here and stop going along with everything he does.

I couldnt tolerate seeing one of my dc being treated like that. I wouod struggle to respect my dp and he is choosing one biological chid over another.
How horrible for you and you dd.

Do you think it is possibly because you said no to dss having a full room to himself in the new house that has upset them all?
He seems to be treated as the golden child and your dd doesnt get a second thought

Your bar is set so low I doubt you can even see it.

I wouldn’t even call what you have a relationship let alone anything else.

He doesn’t care about his DD.

@Countrysidelife54 Does your DSS not ask why DP is no contact with his grandparents? How is it handled?
It's just so hard, you're out the other side of it and I'm in the thick of it. I'd love to be where you are now.

@NeedsAdvicePlease11 I didn't even say he couldn't have a room, DP did during a handover so it didn't come from me. Obviously we'd discussed it and how he would share with my older DS (although I did say we could turn a study into a den with sofa bed so he would effectively have his own sleeping space at least) but it never came from me. Unless DP said it did as has been inferred by PPs.

I understand its hard, I really do but if my dh played along with it all I wouldnt be with him. Its bad enough when its coming from his parents let alone if he were to play along too.
Try not to take what I am saying that I am getting at you but I really think you are tolerating far too much for the sake of staying together.

Dss brought it up to me when he was younger when he was about 7 and said my Nanny said Daddy doesnt speak to her anymore why?
And my dh was honest with him, he doesnt see a relationship developing between him and his family so didnt see any reason to hide it.
So dss understands especially now he is older that we dont wish to have a relationship with his grandparents as they arent nice to us or our children.
We have explained to all our children that they dont have to tolerate people treating them like rubbish just because they come under the banner of family.
That being said they have been out of the picture for so many years in regards to our family that we never speak about them and neither does dss I think he sees them as an extension of his mothers family rather than ours.
I will always be honest about it though, I dont think it helps sugar coating things to kids on a situation that is never going to be mended.
There was a time when I was sad that my kids had no grandparents from dhs side, my dh would always say our kids are better off without them and he was so right, they are really not very nice people all they provided was stress and negativety. I think I was mourning the relationship of grandparents they couldnt ever be.

I am so glad my kids are way out of it though looking back it was the best decision we ever made.
Life isnt perfect, people arent perfect and if you can teach your kids that they dont have to be around people that treat them badly its a good life lesson.
We have my family who love them very much and each other with and thats all that matters.

@Countrysidelife54 would you let your children have a relationship with them if your DP has gone along with it. If during his access he took them to see his parents even though they'd treated you bad?

I know you're being helpful, I do. It's just hard to process when you have an epiphany that you're less important than the dog

@Countrysidelife54 as in if you'd split up because of it?

I get that its very hard when you are going through it all.
I am unsure how I would feel about them seeing my children with me and dh split up purely because of how they dont have the ability to care and treat them well before so why would they after we would be split.
It would cause me concern for my kids feelings in regards to that as it would be proven that dh wouldnt be capable of putting our kids needs before his parents and would he stop their poor behaviour if he saw them treating dss differently in front of them. I would definitely be questioning his abilities there.
I think it would have had less to do with my feelings of their dislike for me because I would more so blame my partner for the break up than them for not putting me and our family first.

You have alot to think about.

You can do better than this for you and your kids and you deserve better.

Where's his poor dog all day if he's doing 12 hour long haul shifts? I'm not saying that flippantly, it just seems like another example of his tendency to take on responsibilities but not follow through.

He sounds like he's picking and choosing the easy decisions in life without thinking of the impact on anyone else. From partner to kids to pets!

Yes his parents are on the surface being unkind and unfair BUT you have no idea what he says to them. IMO this sounds like he could be pretty manipulative (he must be, to have everyone enabling him like this!) and talking negatively about you to them, while nodding along with you talking negatively about him. Positioning himself as poor me in the middle trying to please everyone when actually he needs to grow up.

You say "he gives the time he can" and that's true in a sense. But he's not giving it equally is he? He's giving the time he "can" give to people who aren't you or your shared DD, when he could share that time with the two of you too - all together, fostering healthy sibling relationships and a sense of you being a team, a partnership, a healthy happy couple.

I would find someone so spineless massively unattractive and I cannot for the life of me understand why you would have your house on the market to move in with him! Your responsibility is to your children first and foremost. They have a safe, stable home currently. You're planning the change that and move them in with a spineless irresponsible and frankly unkind man to accommodate HIS lifestyle.

You say you don't want the day to day stresses like picking up socks and that's a reason you don't live together - but you are planning to live together so that's a moot point.

You say he needs space for equipment and stuff. Why aren't you considering moving him into your place as a trial of living together and renting some workspace / storage space etc for him to keep that in and have easy access to? Instead of uprooting your kids and spending the thousands it takes to move house to accommodate his needs?

He is the issue but you are enabling him.

@Countrysidelife54 thank you. Well he hasn't made contact since returning from theirs so I'm assuming he hasn't mentioned anything and doesn't want to tell me or has mentioned it but doesn't know how to relay it... or is trying to figure out what to do as he knows it may implode on him shortly if he's told lies.
Whatever it is he knows that I've been waiting to hear from him and he hasn't made contact. My other 3 are going to their dads for a week on Friday so I'm tempted to bugger off just me and DD for a road trip for a few days!

Typo, meant to say:

IMO this sounds like he could be pretty manipulative (he must be, to have everyone enabling him like this!) and talking negatively about you to them, while nodding along with you talking negatively about them.

@backseatcookers the dog goes to work with him so he's not left alone. I even bought the dog a jacket to wear in the winter for when he's in the van!
Yes, he does try to play victim with the "middle" card but I've told him he put himself there in this situation, no one else.
I did tell him earlier, by text as DD was in the bath, that I don't think he's telling me the whole story, especially as his dad was sent to find him as they hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks once and his mum was crying. I asked him to ask them where the tears are for DD as it's been 3 months now since contact!

I can't understand your logic about all this OP. Don't you want to prioritise your kids stability?

I would find someone so spineless massively unattractive and I cannot for the life of me understand why you would have your house on the market to move in with him! Your responsibility is to your children first and foremost. They have a safe, stable home currently. You're planning the change that and move them in with a spineless irresponsible and frankly unkind man to accommodate HIS lifestyle.

You say you don't want the day to day stresses like picking up socks and that's a reason you don't live together - but you are planning to live together so that's a moot point.

You say he needs space for equipment and stuff. Why aren't you considering moving him into your place as a trial of living together and renting some workspace / storage space etc for him to keep that in and have easy access to? Instead of uprooting your kids and spending the thousands it takes to move house to accommodate his needs?

Yes, he does try to play victim with the "middle" card but I've told him he put himself there in this situation, no one else.

But with no consequence as you are still in a relationship with him.

I did tell him earlier, by text as DD was in the bath, that I don't think he's telling me the whole story, especially as his dad was sent to find him as they hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks once and his mum was crying. I asked him to ask them where the tears are for DD as it's been 3 months now since contact!

And he has ignored that message despite it being clear how upset you are.

You feel his parents are sort of getting away with treating you and DD poorly, but so is he AND his responsibility to treat you well is so, so much greater than theirs! Your anger and frustration is disproportionately aimed.

You can't love someone into them being a decent person or good parent.

You seem resistant to actually seriously considering ending the relationship that is going to unsettle the children who aren't his and damage the self esteem of the little girl who is his. Why is he worth that?

@backseatcookers I know about the no consequence but it's not like I want another relationship if this one ended. What consequence is there? I force DD onto him and then she gets the "blame" for DS not being able to do his hobby. I realise that sounds odd but being with or without him makes no difference to me practicality-wise. There isn't a way I could "punish" him for this. And I don't want him taking DD round there if we did split. They don't get to play nanny and grandad when they've treated me/us poorly, as he has/is too.