To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

[peekaboob]

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

Why is he picking up his DS from the GPs every day? He sounds run ragged to me. Where does he eat?

@dontdisturbmenow yes we're looking at properties, but things are slow due to Covid. People in 5/6 bed houses aren't putting their homes on the market.
Yes I'm going to protect myself financially, I'm aware of how vulnerable my position is if we aren't married and living together.
I do think it's possible he may be saying things that aren't true, it's slim but possible.

@Inaseagull His GPs look after him during the day, he eats with them when they do and then they both come to me whilst DD is out to bed. During these times, when DS stays with DP he goes as soon as DD in bed to get DS ready for next day.

At no point have GP ever offered to have DD or help with nursery costs.

DS is currently having a day out with DP BIL and niece. He (and ex ) were tagged on Facebook. I was tempted to comment that DD can't wait for her day out with her uncle...

OP I wouldn't even consider moving in together.. this is a mess..

If you look at it another way - how many GPs pretend one of their grandchildren doesn't exist?

Let's assume, as unlikely as it is, the DP has spun a load of lies. Would you just accept that you'd never see your grandchild again or would you reach out to try and get access?

But @BumbleBeee69 until we do we're not a proper couple and we won't be taken seriously until we live together

OP you get all your information from one source.. your DP...

He and his choices are your issue.. nobody else...

Keep your own place....

How many other kids are in this mix? It sounds like you have a few others from previous relationships. Where do they fit into this? It sounds like there is a truly fucked up pecking order of kids here with DSS at the top then DD gets the scraps and the others are just along for the ride or not. They all risk losing their home and stability. How will the bedrooms work in this new house? I'm guessing DSS will get his own room and everyone else shares? This is a cluster fuck and has nothing to do with the grandparents. You've focussed on one really small point that isn't even relevant to your DD given all the other disaster.

@peekaboob

If you look at it another way - how many GPs pretend one of their grandchildren doesn't exist?

Let's assume, as unlikely as it is, the DP has spun a load of lies. Would you just accept that you'd never see your grandchild again or would you reach out to try and get access?

Have you ever thought your DP is saying that you don’t like your dd going with them? You are only getting his version.

Maybe he can’t be arsed taking your little one so knocks it back if the GP ask for her.

op I think your relationship comes across as very casual. He spends more time away from his family than with you guys. That is probably where his parents and family get the idea that you are separated and not a family unit.
They are being very horrible by having favourites but I think theres something else going on. Has your dp given them some idea that you are difficult or dont want a relationship with them?

You've not known him very well for 35 years then. Couldn't be with a man like this, nobody else's fault but his. No way would any decent man be allowing this to happen.
As you say you spoiled ss more than your own and whilst your heart is in the right place absolutely nobody has been there for your dd, as her parents you should both be ashamed.

Could it be that your partner is trying to get back with the ex? I would find it really odd they keep inviting his exes to things to be honest. Still, that doesn't answer why they wouldn't include their granddaughter in anything at all!

@piscean10 as I've said I've always been nice to his parents. I've given presents on behalf of DD for mother's and Father's Day/birthdays, sent pictures and videos regularly, popped in after picking DD up from nursery. Done the same for his sister.
I actually couldn't think of anything I have actually done.

@Singalonggong I've said that DS will not be getting his own room for what is 4 nights a month, though DS mum was pushing for it.

@kimmyst no she has a new boyfriend, met one month prior to lockdown and moved in with him.

It is difficult. Don't post on FB it is not public knowledge. I'd invite DP's to lunch and ask them outright what their issue is.
None of them are been fair to DGD over their DGS I'd ask them why?

I’m a grandma and have a few friends who are also grandparents. My best friend has a son who sounds a bit like your DP, he had a child at a young age split with his partner, child stayed with his ex the son wasn’t very good at keeping in contact with his child the grandparents loved the little one so worked hard at staying in a good relationship with his ex and see the child regularly. Son got into a pattern of regular contact all was good. Son met new partner who had young child of her own, had new baby together my friend tried hard to be a good grandparent to new baby, even tried to develop a relationship with son’s new partner and welcomed the partners child as it was so young, lovely and had no contact with it’s own dad. All good for a while then her son split up with that partner and moved in with another one. My friend and her DH now had 2 grandchildren with 2 different mums and another wee one that they were fond of but had no biological link to. They are lovely people and try to keep in touch with them and keep in good terms with the mums. Their son is now pretty unreliable with the children he already has, both in time and money.
New partner has 2 children and apparently is pushing friends son to have a child with her and he is saying he probably will go along with it!
My friend has called it quits even if another grandchild is born she feels she can’t get involved again. She is devastated about how casual her son is about bring children into the world.

Tell dp to collect his DS and bring him to your house every day to eat? You’re supposed to be a family unit so he could be spending that time at your house with all the children. I couldn’t be with someone who put their first child ahead of our own. I’m talking as the ‘first ex’ with children who were pushed aside for the new children with the new partner so slightly different dynamic but I understand how you feel.

I agree... how much housework is really generated by only 1 of him... who's out of the house for 12 hour days!

Does he really need to work 12 hr days and every other Sat on his business? Can't he limit it to 9-5 M-F and take a paycut in order to have more time with his daughter? You might have some insight into how affordable this would be given you do his books.

He needs to reset his baseline. Something like this:

DS contact EOW: M-F work 8 hour day, see DD after work to play with her and put her to bed, except Friday as needs to pick DS up.
Saturday: hobby with DS, sometimes takes one of your DC who shares hobby interest. If no hobby due to lock down, he brings DS to spend whole day with you and DD.
Sunday: once a month: spends whole day with you and DD!; once a month: parents for lunch/afternoon (with you and DD) then takes DS back to his mum and comes to put DD to bed.

Non DS week: M-F: 8 hour day, comes to spend time with DD and put her to bed and spend evening with you/your DC.
Saturday: Spends whole day with you and DD!
Sunday: Housework/laundry/grass cutting etc then comes to you when those are done.

@LannieDuck He has a week's worth of washing to get done as well and has a dog that sheds lots as well as a cat. So spends a fair bit of the day picking up poo and hoovering hair.
He can't cut back his hours as he is in haulage, non driver, and business is booming at the moment due to MOTs coming back into force. He's not coming on holiday with us as he needs to prepare quite a few vehicles.

Anyway tonight he has missed DD bedtime due to work. I've told him to sort it out with his parents instead of coming to see me.

I don't think he NEEDS to work 12 hour days. Possibly he doesn't even work that long, just tells OP he's working. Either way it's basically an excuse to not spend time with his own child.

If he actually gave a fuck about either the child or the OP, he wouldn't still be living separately 2 years after the child was born. Why not rent together? Or rent out his house, live with OP and rent a workshop. Plenty of options but he's chosen the one that involves zero effort on his part.

As I said previously I don't see him ever getting an offer on his house that he'll accept, or a suitable joint property coming up. 5-10 years time OP will still be bringing the child up on her own, living alone, and he'll be like some feckless baby daddy who pops round now and again. I just can't believe anyone would accept these crumbs for themself or worse still for their child who definitely deserves better.

It's not fair at all, but... I think they see DD as yours. She lives in your house. Your DP doesn't spend his limited free time, that he puts aside for his DS, with her as well. He is as bad as they are.

I would guess he has told his parents he doesn’t want to be with you.

You also say they were concerned DS would be pushed out, and you’ve had problems with his ex regarding his lack of bedroom. Perhaps they feel you’ve done exactly that: pushed out DS.

[quote peekaboob]@LannieDuck He has a week's worth of washing to get done as well and has a dog that sheds lots as well as a cat. So spends a fair bit of the day picking up poo and hoovering hair.
He can't cut back his hours as he is in haulage, non driver, and business is booming at the moment due to MOTs coming back into force. He's not coming on holiday with us as he needs to prepare quite a few vehicles.

Anyway tonight he has missed DD bedtime due to work. I've told him to sort it out with his parents instead of coming to see me. [/quote]
He’s not even coming on your family holiday. Hell would freeze over before dh missed out on a family holiday. Peek stop being so passive.

He spends a fair bit of the day fannying around with his dog and cat when he hasn't enough time to spend with his children.
Why exactly were you in any doubt as to your position in his order of priorities? He hasn't even tried to hide it.

He can't cut back his hours as he is in haulage, non driver, and business is booming at the moment due to MOTs coming back into force. He's not coming on holiday with us as he needs to prepare quite a few vehicles.

Isn't he self-employed? So he can cut back his hours, he's choosing not to.

What was his excuse for the 12 hour days and Saturday working when business wasn't booming? e.g. during lockdown?

OP, I am sure you know that you have a DP problem.

I would not be putting up with the crumbs you appear to be happy with, not when you have a young child together.

Can you put the moving in together on hold for now?