To want DD and me to be treated the same as SS and DP ex?

[peekaboob]

It's a long one and possibly outing but the mood I'm in I could not give two shinies!

Background: Me/DP, together 6 years, known each other for 35. One DD together, he has one DS (age11) and I have other DC. We don't live together as house isn't big enough and both owned house on market with view to purchasing together.

So..... it started a couple of years ago just after DD was born. DPs parents started to think that DPs DS would be left out. Not the case, never has been and DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work. When DS is here he takes him to all day hobby then DPs parents on the Sunday). I probably spoil DS more than my own DC and have made sure that I have done all I can to foster a relationship between him and DP and DD.DP would not think to call between contact time.

Anyway. This has happened so far:
DP niece's birthday. DP invited along with DS. No invite for me, DD or my DC despite one of my DC being friends with DP niece.

DS birthday falls on a non-contact weekend. DPs parents take DP and DS out for lunch either side weekends, and on his actual birthday DPs parents go to DS and his mums to take them out for lunch and the day before invite DP along too. No invite for me or DD on any of the 3 weekends.

When it came to my DDs birthday she didn't even get a phone call from them, her presents left on DPs doorstep knowing he would be here. DPs sister didn't drop presents or call either despite living 2 minutes away but managed to wish DPs ex-wife from 15 years ago a happy birthday on Facebook.

The week after DDs birthday DP is invited to lunch, just DP, as DPs mum had arranged without DPs knowledge, for DS to come to lunch - with DS mum. Again no invite for me or DD.

DPs parents are having DS for most of the holidays because they want to save DS mum money and help her out. Never have asked if we need help with DD, despite them knowing that DS mum earns more than me and DP combined.

DP doesn't understand why they feel the need to spend time with her when they couldn't stand her before DD was born. They have access to DS every other weekend so it's not a case of keeping her sweet.

They live 5 minutes away. After DDs birthday I stopped sending pics via WhatsApp or putting DD on Facebook. That was over 3 months ago and I have not heard a thing from them. DP says that they just don't mention her. Last year DPs dad was sent to find DP when he was working by DPs mum as she hadn't seen his DS for 3 weeks and was distraught. We'd been on holiday as a family during contact weekend.I've asked him if he was going to say anything and he said it's difficult as he doesn't like confrontation but AIBU to just tell him to forget it - she's doesn't need people that aren't bothered about her or me or should I keep pushing so that she has grandparents in her life?

@Nancydrawn we do have fun, and have lots in common. Out of lockdown we have date nights. I get to have my own space, literally so there's no arguing over misplaced socks etc.
He's not in my life because I need him, it's because I want him. He knows that. He knows that I won't let this situation go on for much longer, however I have also told him he needs to sort it out and I'm not mentioning it anymore so I've kind of shot myself in the foot there as I can't bring it up again.

You already have 3 dc who were struggling with a divorce and in the time you didn't want to move in together but planned a baby, even though you have zero relationship with his son? Why did you need to have a child together? It hasn't cemented youre relationship if anything most likely shows just how far apart you really are, just because he works 12 hours doesnt mean he can't be a dad.I dont get this when there's 4 existing children and isnt partical to bring another child into a situation. Its clear you and youre dd are low in her priorities.

literally so there's no arguing over misplaced socks etc.
The lamest excuse I've ever heard for not sharing a home with your partner.

@Thisismytimetoshine to you maybe but stuff like that was the straw in my last marriage. What I meant was there's no day to day stuff that most people moan about that their partner has done.

DP has always spent more time with DS cumulatively than DD (sees her for 20 mins each night then a couple of hours every other Sunday as he uses the time when DS not here to work

Your DP is the problem - HE isn't arsed about treating BOTH his children fairly.

OP, ignore the posters who are diverting the thread by saying THEY wouldn’t have had a child with this man (totally irrelevant, the child was wanted, and is already here) and your living apart is not appropriate (again, totally irrelevant - this is your choice given your circumstances and experience, not theirs). Are they saying the fact you live separately from your partner somehow justifies their refusal to acknowledge your DD? Well, it doesn’t. Your DP and his family’s failure to adequately involve you and his daughter is the issue here. They might well use your circumstances as an excuse for their behaviour, but that doesn’t mean they’re right. What they are doing is plain wrong.

Thanks @Orphlids. DS is at theirs all week so DP will see them everyday when he collects him. Maybe he'll address it this week?

He isn't arsed to see his own daughter. Says it all really. A few hours every other Sunday? That's less than the standard EOW. They can't possibly have a meaningful relationship. He isn't doing any of the parenting. He clearly values his relationship with his son a lot more. Never mind the in-laws. That's a complete red herring.

I’m still not sure why you’re not having the discussion with him. I’m also not sure what you actually get from this apart from having to cook for him every day, as clearly not even the sex is great or plentiful enough!

To me, it says it all that you talk about “my DD” not “our dd”

The question has to be how long are you going to put up with this?

Are they saying the fact you live separately from your partner somehow justifies their refusal to acknowledge your DD?

No but the fact that the DP barely acknowledges or sees his DD may have something to do with the GPs treating her the same way.

Your DP treats your daughter appallingly and sounds like a lousy father. He sees for for 20 minutes a day and one Sunday every other week whilst finding plenty of time to swan off to his parents house with his other DC and tidy his house on his free day. Your daughter would probably spend more quality time with her father if you split up and had a contact arrangement. And the fact he didn't even pull his parents up the first time this happened let alone now is just further proof that he isn't involved in your daughter's life in the way a parent should be and shows exactly where she is on his priority list.

I don’t think it’s fair on your dd what’s you’ve done. She is the biggest loser here. People tend to have babies with the idea that both father and mother will be in the same house to help raise the child. He was never going to be that dad.

OP he is just your boyfriend that you’ve happened to have a kid with. It might work out great for him and you don’t have to pick his socks up but it is unfair bringing a baby in to it. By the sounds of it she will always be on the side lines. He is her weekend dad from day one, one that doesn’t even get asked about.

Stop being passive and fuck him off. He is treating you both like dickheads

Maybe the grandparents are confused over the 'I don't want to live with him because I don't want to pick his socks up' attitude.

Maybe they consider that you are not fully committed to their son if if you have no interest in sharing a home with him. Maybe they don't want to get close to your DD because they think you might take her away at any time.

It's a bit of an old fashion view but ultimately the majority of people would find it odd that you'd actively choose not to live with him when you have a child together and he works long hours so doesn't have as much time to share.

@dontdisturbmenow where have I said I don't want to live with him? House is up for sale right now!

My main point of my post has been lost because people are focusing on DP, who, yes, I agree to posters on here probably leads the life of Riley. However there are plenty of fathers on here who come home when the kids are in bed and swan off to hobbies each weekend. DP gives the time he has. The hobby his DS does costs a lot of money and he has done it since he was 3 so it's not fair for him to give his hobby up that he only gets to do 12 times a year, if that.

My main point was about ex and DS being treated more favourably than me or DD by his parents, and should I expect the same treatment. Ex doesn't live with DP and was only with him 2 years so length of relationship and geography doesn't seem to matter here.

DP gives the time he has

No he doesn't! He spends a chunk of his time with one of his DC at their grandparents house, never bothering to invite or ask about your DD going along and the other free time he has he apparently needs for cleaning and mowing the grass

Your DP is the problem here. Why would his parents be invested in your DD when her own father barely is?

where have I said I don't want to live with him? House is up for sale right now!
My apology. I didn't mean to say that it was right the way threat you, just to provide an explanation. That might change once you do move in together.

That, or very sadly, for reasons that might be beyond you, they might just not like you as a person.

My dh works till 7:30 every night. When the kids are in school he misses dd3 as she’s already gone bed.

However he is still in the house. If she gets in bed in the middle of the night he is there and he is there for breakfast. Same with dd2, they talk about the day then he puts her to bed. Same with breakfast in the morning. Dh plays football on a weekend but the time your dp spends with his little girl is minimal OP and he should be ashamed of himself. Where is he when she is ill in the night or she has had a bad dream? This isn’t some broken down relationship. Your not separated but he is treating you as if you are. This buisness of having her every other Sunday is shocking. I think his parents think you have split up and he is trying to phase you out. You’ve been dealt a really bad hand and even more so for your little girl.

Whilst your dp parents are neglecting the fact they also have another child, they are definitely taking their lead from your dp and that’s why posters are picking at it.

This is not a fair situation for you or your dd. I don’t think he is ever going to move in with you, why would he?

Honestly in your situation I’d get really angry he has mugged you all of like this.

I can only echo what some others have said that your DP isn’t in this as strongly as you are. He sees it as casual, he can come and go when suits and relax at home on Sunday rather than help you with his child or have a family day out somewhere. He has shown you his DS is priority, and whether that’s through guilt at not being with his mum he should be spending equal time with both of his children.
Assuming he will be spending this evening with you I think you need to sit down and speak about this properly. Forget that you said you won’t mention this again, it’s important it can’t continue. If he’s not willing to share his time fairly then that’s where your problem will always lie. Why should you do all the work, parenting is a shared role.
It’s likely he has told his family something completely different, or they don’t feel comfortable asking to bring your dd along if she is still a baby they may not want you all to come. Don’t put up with this, it won’t improve when you live together trust me, he will see it as saving time on house work and travel time and focus on his DS and family even more imo.

I suspect the grandparents aren’t involving your daughter because they don’t approve of this odd sounding decision & setup. I suspect when he told his family he got you pregnant they were disappointed in their son for making yet another irresponsible decision to have a child in a non-committed relationship.

Also consider that your partner is favouring his son, which sounds quite sexist. do you feel if you’d given him a son he would be more interested?

For someone with such a supposedly low sex drive, it’s surprising he has multiple baby mamas!

And make no mistake - you’re a baby mama, not his “partner”.

To be honest, I’m a bit confused at this whole set up of your DP seeing his daughter for a couple of hours per week and choosing to do housework over seeing her at the weekend when he is free. This is of course your business, but it could be that his parents don’t see it as a real relationship when you appear to only spend a couple of days a month together.

Your DP needs to sort this out, he is enabling this from his parents as he isn’t including you in family events and I guess his family are taking the lead from him. For most people, it isn’t an option (unless for specified reasons in particular days- eg not a blanket rule of excluding someone) most people assume an invite is for everyone and therefore they will turn up en mass to a family gathering

DP gives the time he has
But only on things he enjoys, benefits him, not on actually parenting.
Cuddling time, doing a hobby, not exactly sacrifices he is making.

You are asking more from his parents than from him.

Why has it taken 6 years for you to decide move in together and were you aware of how little he would see of his dd before you conceived her? As a pp said, he’s seeing less of his dd that he would if you split and shared custody. At least he’d see her the same amount as his ds that doesn’t live with him either. This doesn’t sound like a relationship, sorry. I hope you find someone that actually wants to spend time with you x

So you won't move in with him unless you get married but you'll only get married if you can protect your investments.

He pays child maintenance, you charge him market rate for helping him with his business.

That doesn't sound like a committed relationship. It sounds like you both want to hang on to what suit each other in this relationship.

Why you'd pick to gave a child together in that set up when there are already 4 children involved is hard to understand unless you were broody and thought this was your last chance to be a mum again.

His parents probably see the relationship for what it is. That despite being together for 6 years and have a child together, neither are to fuss to take s chance building family together. Your boyfriend is probably saying things that let them believe that it's you who is putting blocks to it all.

You say your house is on the market, but are you looking for properties together? Are you discussing finances for when you do or is it still at the stage of you only moving in with him if he marries you?