School mums are too much aren’t they

[NCschoolmumssuck]

I’m just finding the school mums scene too too much, AIBU? There’s a group of us who have spent time together socialising (with and without children) for years now, and yet it still feels like teenage levels of friendship drama, I feel like I can’t escape it without impacting on my child’s friendships and I’m exhausted.

Who had play dates with each other, who got invited on a park visit, which families have had clandestine barbecues with each other who has had secret sleepovers.. I don’t want to care about this shit, it’s so inane, I try to stay out of it ,and as a result am probably not as intensely involved as others in our group) but somehow I end up sucked in, and then feel paranoid, and shit about myself, second guessing why I wasn’t involved/told about X Y or Z.

I hate it, but if I walk away from it all I can’t see how it won’t wreck my child’s two most important friendships. And as we live away from family and old friends, this lot are pretty much all I’ve got.

I have similar, I think don’t walk away but see it for what it is. You child’s friend mums, better to be on socialising terms than not, but don’t invest too much in it. Particularly emotionally.

Sounds like you have anxiety you need help with.

I also think so people exude for control other are includers. I have an excluder in my group. I think she is disingenuous, others don’t. No point in pointing it out as others don’t want to/can’t see it. But now I know what she’s like, I’ve stepped away from her in the group. Try not to end up sat next to her. Engage with the ones you like.

You do know you are talking about yourself?

Maybe they all feel they are getting "sucked in" too. If you don't like it speak up!

I don't get this. Just drop your kid off/pick them up and leave. You don't have to be friends with anyone. It's only full of drama of you let it be.

Nope - can’t say it’s familiar. Your kids can have friendships that have nothing to do with the parents socialising so to a certain extent you’re engaging with it. I’m friends with a couple of mums and other than that have not much to do with anyone else barring some friendly chit chat at the school gates once a week ( in the old days ). If this has been going on for years then this is your friendship group and how they choose to conduct themselves. It sounds like people need to get a hobby.

I meet older people through my work often their social circle is the friends made when the kids young - the kids all long gone and not in touch with each other but parents friendships remain

@KorkMum I guess maybe?!
@Freddiefox yes you sound in a similar situation but better able to emotionally disengage, since lockdown ive found that harder tbh.
@WeAllHaveWings yeh I suppose you’re right.

Absolutely. 100 time worse with a child with SEN. When they don’t get invited to any play dates .

Later in primary it does improve, but it is like being back at school in the beginning

This isn't what my school mum friendships are like - they are supportive and friendly. COVID isn't helping though - there are too many of us to meet together, so it all feels a bit weird arranging to meet but having to leave people out.

The issue I found was that as part of ‘that’ group your child is excluded from other groups. If you have a friendship group of say 6 that means another 24 friends you’re missing out on. Plus sometimes a child may feel the ‘have’ to play with X Y and Z because mummy likes them, when really they prefer A,B and C.

Step back. If the kids want your DC to play, they will ask.

You’ll get two sets of responses.

The people who know exactly what you’re talking about. And the people who have no idea. Some of the school mums at my DC’s schools are like the modern day rendition of mean girls. It’s pathetic behaviour to behold.

I’m fortunate as I am a mum who WOHM and as such my interactions with them are completely minimal. My DC have absolutely missed out as a result of my non involvement. But they all have close friendships that they have forged despite my not being in the ‘in crowd’.

@NCschoolmumssuck

I found lockdown really hard to start with, but it certainly shows you who is there for you and who isn’t. It taught me a few things. Some of the group
were absolutely amazing (I’m a single parent) and 1 who I thought I had a good relationship with I didn’t hear from at all unless I made contact. So that tells me all I need to know. I feel as well that she wants to be queen bee. Honestly let her go ahead, if it works for me then I engage if it doesn’t I just step away.
Work out with of the ladies you like and work in those relationships, but also put some feelers out for other new friendships.

Laughing at some of the supportive and lovely comments on here. YeAh. Everyone is really supportive and friendly as they try and find out what the name of their child’s set means and try stealth mode to see which child is being set which homework and is on which reading level. That happens at every school based on the feedback of my friendship group.

I’m so relieved that mine are older and I have increasingly less to do with the mothers.

When you work out who the stirrers and trouble makers are (so you can smile, nod and keep safely back) your life will be miles better. Keep a safe distance from drama.

To those who can’t relate or wonder why I’m so intertwined into this group, yeh maybe u regret not keeping things at school gates and the odd play date but I don’t have any friends locally so initially I did try to make new friends.
To those who can relate, yes you’re all right, I ‘m probably too emotionally invested and need to pull back a little and also not close my eyes to other friendships my child may want to foster. It sometimes feels so much like a popularity contest, and I can’t win or even keep up.

*i regret

@PicsInRed yes I think I’m finally figuring out who those people are but they seem to be unavoidable, how do they always seem to centre themselves in the middle of anything and everything!

Are your kids at primary?, if so it won't last forever once they move to secondary you will have little to no contact with other parents.

Yeh primary. That’s a good point. Although being honest the group is much more about the parents than the children these days!

I was in a similar group where I used to live. When I moved I made a point of not chatting at the school gates to avoid getting in to another group! Dc dont have endless play dates like before but noone is bothered really!

@Delbelleber yeh I can’t see why you made that decision! If it was just me there’s been times I’ve thought I’d ditch em all, but my child is absolute best friends with one other child and I’d feel awful if I was the one to damage that.

*can

You can wind it back a bit. I had 2 friends from R to Y3 and we fell out badly to the point one of the mum's told the school not to let her kid play with our kids... That lasted 3 months before the school had to tell her the only friends her child had were ours and they refused to do it.

Since then I've been very careful about putting myself out there to other mums; avoided the cliques and gossip. I go on dog walks with 1, 2 others live near me and I give their kids lifts but that is it. The dog walking one definitely keeps it on the down low that we see each other fairly regularly so I know that her clique is gossiping about me as she practically ignores me if they are around.

We have the dreaded WhatsApp group so I feel I get enough drama from that to remind me why I don't bother!

I truly don’t understand this. I don’t understand why anyone thinks women’s personalities change just because they regularly meet at a school gate. Why are those people’s personalities different to women that meet over a spread sheet or in the hospital canteen or any other work environment?

I’m old now but a lot of my close group of friends were originally school gate mums beside me. They are no more or less bitchy than the people I know from uni or sports teams previous jobs. Of course some mums at the gates were bitchy or shallow or judgemental just as some people I have worked with or studied with were but the school gates didn’t make them that way. They would have been that way wherever I met them.

I feel so sorry for new mums on MN who read about these dreaded school gate mums. I would urge them to ignore it and approach pick ups and drop offs with an open mind. You are as likely to meet future BFFs there as you are are anywhere else in your life.