School mums are too much aren’t they

[NCschoolmumssuck]

I’m just finding the school mums scene too too much, AIBU? There’s a group of us who have spent time together socialising (with and without children) for years now, and yet it still feels like teenage levels of friendship drama, I feel like I can’t escape it without impacting on my child’s friendships and I’m exhausted.

Who had play dates with each other, who got invited on a park visit, which families have had clandestine barbecues with each other who has had secret sleepovers.. I don’t want to care about this shit, it’s so inane, I try to stay out of it ,and as a result am probably not as intensely involved as others in our group) but somehow I end up sucked in, and then feel paranoid, and shit about myself, second guessing why I wasn’t involved/told about X Y or Z.

I hate it, but if I walk away from it all I can’t see how it won’t wreck my child’s two most important friendships. And as we live away from family and old friends, this lot are pretty much all I’ve got.

Sadly it doesn't stop at secondary school if it's an independent school There is still a group of mums micro-managing their kid's social life, in relation to their mum-clique, right up to 6th form.

The School Gate Mafia are a thing and don't let anyone on MN tell you otherwise.

The problem here is that you're already embedded so just make plans to quietly step back here and there.

They're nothing but trouble and mark my words, as the kids get older and fall out the drama will get worse so start stepping back.

i feel so sorry for new mums on MN who read about these dreaded school gate mums. I would urge them to ignore it and approach pick ups and drop offs with an open mind. You are as likely to meet future BFFs there as you are are anywhere else in your life

I told two of my friends about the horrors I experienced of school mums before they children started primary - well turns out it's been nothing but amazing for them, they both have gained lots of new friends including besties, they go socialist Lots including hen nights, holidays, clubbing etc. I gave those friends a lovely surprise when things turned out so fab and they I am avoiding the school mum like the plague due to past trauma !! both friends children go to different schools

@FelicisNox

The School Gate Mafia are a thing and don't let anyone on MN tell you otherwise.

The problem here is that you're already embedded so just make plans to quietly step back here and there.

They're nothing but trouble and mark my words, as the kids get older and fall out the drama will get worse so start stepping back.

Yes, the conversaton is shallow at best and they are so competitive. It's easier to do it all quickly and go to work where you are not known as Xs mum.

I can totally relate to this. As my eldest is near end of primary I started trying to take a step back and missed a few mum coffees as I was finding them exhausting. But I can confirm that it backfired a bit and now I think I am not that well liked. Just hoping secondary becomes easier now.

Just the mums, not the dads?

I think you just have to be you and know who you are. That's not always easy, but it's the only way. DD2 is in a group of friends and they're always falling out, one way or another. I'm lucky that DD2 can't stand arguments, so she completely stays out of it all. That means that I can say 'no idea...' or 'DD2 hasn't really got involved, tbh...' if I'm asked. It's getting known among the parents, because they say to their child 'what does Lougle's DD think?' and they say 'oh, she stays out of it.'

I can't be doing with cliques and while I'm happy to chat, if necessary, I'm quite happy not to be involved, tbh.

With my first child, I had a nice group of relaxed friends who I sometimes saw for coffee or occasional beer ir get together in the holidays. I loved school pick up as a chance to chat.

My second child, same school but world's apart in terms of experience. There were groups that socialised endlessly which were impenetrable even for a quick chat. They were always looking over my shoulder for someone better. Dc2 has additional needs and frankly almost none of them made the slightest effort with her. So glad that's behind me now. I never fitted in and that's the first time I've felt that way since school.

@Macncheeseballs

Just the mums, not the dads?

The dads are a pain in the hole also, but in a different way. The dads on our group chats are bloody awful. The worst, I'd say actually. But they don't tend to invite mums out for coffee etc IME or strike up super close friendships with mums at the school gates. So I think there can't be as many bad fallouts. If you hang back and don't seek to make bestie best friendships, I think you avoid much of the nastiness too. You get the rough with the smooth I suppose. I tend to hang back, although I am not a dad, I'm a mum, but I'd rather hang back as they do, while also not acting like a total twat on the group chat! Best of both worlds .

Oh and before anyone jumps up and down, no, I don't actually mean ALL dads.

Seems like so many mums can relate, reassuring albeit a bit depressing I guess!
Thanks to those who have pointed out that ‘this too shall pass’, you’re right, this is just the eye of the storm I guess.
Things seem to be ramping up over the summer holidays if anything, everyone seems desperate to keep up social appearances!

It is rather like work colleagues, it's best to be diplomatic but not invest too much.

I'm old, but I still remember the isolation I felt at the school gates. Women can be bloody horrible (not just at the school gates) and make you feel pretty shitty.

You don't want your kids mixing with those types anyway!

Drama..high bloody drama

When dad's are awful they are out and out awful.

Been through this with both kids and it's awful! Setting up different group chats excluding others, arranging nights excluding others, the b**ching about everyone (wonder what they say about me! It's nasty and something I thought I'd left in school!

I've now learnt to keep my 'toe' in but they aren't my friends. I dropped a school mum group after being giving the silent treatment by one of the mums for something that person did wrong to me and the drama afterwards wasn't worth it.

I now go to some catch ups to keep the peace for my kids but I'm under no illusion they are my friends. I make time to see my 'real'friends. Don't get me wrong some of them are lovely but think it will be when the kids are in high school before I figure out who is worth keeping in contact with.

Yes @jigglypuffcookie it’s making me feel dizzy and so reminiscent of high school days, I didn’t enjoy it then either.
I’ve tried the last few days to start pulling back but if anything I’m feeling more bombarded, I feel like this may take a little while if I want to avoid confrontation that will affect DC’s two close friendships.

It will take a while unfortunately. From my experience dropping them completely was a mistake so I now make an effort to attend half of the get togethers with the parents from my 2nd DC year group. I'm not the most popular one nor am I invited to everything but from some of the nasty things I've seen I'm glad. It can be vile!

Watch Motherland!

@Augustseemsbetter

When dad's are awful they are out and out awful.

What I noticed about the men on my God awful WhatsApp group, was, the men were stroppy and demanding with the women, never with each other and the women were only stroppy and demanding with other women. So either way, the women got the brunt of their arsiness. Riddle me that eh?

@Macncheeseballs

Just the mums, not the dads?

I'd be interested to see how awful the dads are when my DCs are at school.

I really can't stand insecurity that manifests itself as one upmanship. So if some dad tries to give it the big one about something materialistic or competitive parenting nonsense I shall thoroughly enjoy posting it on here so we can even things up a bit!

Sometimes you just don't click with anyone.

My dc1 started in a school in our old area...I made lots of friends with the mums in his class. Then he moved schools...I was friendly with a few and the ones I wasn't were still chatty and pleasant.

My dc2 class, well, I just don't click with any of them. They were all friends before and you're either their bestie or you're shit on their shoe. There's no middle ground. The atmosphere at the school gate is bizarre...it's like best friends who are all slightly terrified of each other.

Best thing about lockdown has been avoiding it

@JuniperFather, I'm sure you'll get some of that... Definitely know that is how some of the dads carry on at our school.

Selfishly, I'll look forward to your threads , but obviously hope you won't have a bad experience and feel the need to post.

I actually found that the histrionics on our WhatsApp group came from a handful of very vocal men. The women in our group are cliquier and make closer friendships in our cohort, but I can see them back firing. It's starting already tbh. But the foot stamping and belittling comments about the staff at school and towards other people posting on the group chat, came mainly from a small, but vocal, minority of the men.

Small town living here, the cliques are awful. Many people went to the same secondary as their kids.
I got caught in an end of primary clique explosion. Vets wife, drunkenly blaming local teachers lovely daughter for bullying her own super competitive older daughter. (My older DD had already moved away from a lovely group because of competitive child)
Stupidly, I pointed out that a highly competitive child, although a positive trait sometimes, was going to find life tough. Vets wife exploded, in front of everyone, suddenly I was the bad guy, I might as well have been in the playground, personally destroying highly competitive child's confidence, not in a pub garden surrounded by grownup whilst kids demob kids ran around.

Two years down the line, it's still awkward, the worst part being our younger DDs have a magnetic attraction.
All invites to book clubs, coffee, the beach, for my younger DD and me stopped overnight or we're turned down. It was a lonely summer/year. One 'friend' did keep our friendship going, secretly, one on one, only early mornings, slightly digging for gossip, but that has stopped as she got brought more into a group.

It was a sad end to Primary years for me and younger DD. The highly competitive child is struggling in mid teen years as the kids organise their own lives not through their mums. No satisfaction in hearing about an unhappy teen that just needed some support about not winning everything and confidence building.

Jesus @SunshineSuper... Oh dear. Had you had a few drinks when you said the thing or were you genuinely trying to be helpful but put your foot in it? Either way, two years of awkwardness for one poorly phrased comment. Yikes. It was never going to go down well though tbf... "...will always find life hard", oof!

We have only ever had one parents' night out so far and thankfully nobody mentioned each others kids.

I am one who can sometimes put my foot in it, totally by accident, so your story has reminded me to politely leave the conversation if talk turns to interactions between each others kids! Or, just not go anywhere where there is booze and other parents.

Either way, two years of awkwardness for one poorly phrased comment. Yikes. It was never going to go down well though tbf...

You have to be so careful...one badly phrased comment or one wrong look with render you an outcast....this is why I struggle I think. I don't care if we don't agree on everything or debate an issue from separate sides. Not a lot offends me. Unfortunately I'm in the minority and I've discovered the best thing to do is smile and agree with everything and call everyone hun. To be honest, only women are like this...My dh often has robust debates or disagrees with his male friends, they're all still mates, they don't cut each other off.