School mums are too much aren’t they

[NCschoolmumssuck]

I’m just finding the school mums scene too too much, AIBU? There’s a group of us who have spent time together socialising (with and without children) for years now, and yet it still feels like teenage levels of friendship drama, I feel like I can’t escape it without impacting on my child’s friendships and I’m exhausted.

Who had play dates with each other, who got invited on a park visit, which families have had clandestine barbecues with each other who has had secret sleepovers.. I don’t want to care about this shit, it’s so inane, I try to stay out of it ,and as a result am probably not as intensely involved as others in our group) but somehow I end up sucked in, and then feel paranoid, and shit about myself, second guessing why I wasn’t involved/told about X Y or Z.

I hate it, but if I walk away from it all I can’t see how it won’t wreck my child’s two most important friendships. And as we live away from family and old friends, this lot are pretty much all I’ve got.

@Kitkat09

I mute group chats..

This is the other option. For me, the question was, was I more likely to offend by staying on the group chat and not responding to people, or more likely to offend by making my polite excuses and leaving. On balance I thought option b was better. The other thing is that by staying on the chat and responding occasionally to people risked accidentally stirring up a Hornet's nest, from what I'd seen on our group anyway.

however I will add, that some are just bitches who haven't grown up since school but that's life. Just try to avoid them, the kids will make their own friends at school regardless of what the mum do.

Some parents at pick up are a bit odd, but I guess they are like that all of the time.

Most children at my sons school are collected by a childminder, there are a few parents who have formed social groups. One had a lady who is quite a character and shouts at children who don’t have a parent in ‘her’ group if they try to play with her son.

We also have spy lady as I call her, she always has a long cream coat on and wears huge sunglasses no matter the weather, she just sits doing absolutely nothing until her daughter pops out, then she starts walking out of the playground before her daughter even reaches her.

I’m the only regular dad at pick up, I sometimes see the other odd dad a couple of times a month. I wouldn’t be surprised if people mention that I’m generally anti-social and grumpy.

There is a grandma who sometimes comes over and tells me to stop being so miserable 😂

I honestly couldn’t be arsed with it. I work in the school so just say I prefer not to kid, I have a couple of friends that also work in the school and we mix as our DD are same class so works well. I am not part of any what’s app groups I am polite to the other parents, I prefer to keep it that way because if we all having a laugh and joke on Saturday and then little Johnny discloses something on Monday and I have to do safeguarding forms etc then it’s going to be like oh thought we were mates or I’ve had to fill out a behaviour form because your child had done something or gets messy, my children have other friends and cousins they play with

@DominaShantotto ah that sounds crap, I’m sorry. Yes you’re right on the year group thing, it really can vary I agree.

OP I'm sure stepping back from it as much as possible will do you, your school mum friends, your children, their children and other children in the class some good. You mention that it's more about the mums than the children now, which suggests to me that your children as now at the ages of finding friends for themselves.
Do you have an friends whom you have sort of back-pedalled on recently because they didn't have children of a suitable age for your children to be friends with? (As a childless person this has happened to me once the children were 5 and 3 and more interested in playing with other children that being taken to amusements with one adult each and extra adult attention. I do understand that parents have to put the kids needs first.) Could you perhaps ring up a few of these friends again? It's always the wrong time to ring a friend with children, and saying very firmly to a friend "don't ring me, I'll ring you is sensible", but we aren't mind readers and you will have to tell us when your children are old enough for us to be allowed to initiate contact again.

Iv kept on the periphery. I'm very involved in the school (yep that mum) as benefits my kids but dont get involved with other parents

Friend I have made- their kids are not friends with my kids so it's more of adult friendship iykwim

I think these groups can work well for a while but inevitably splinter as the children make friends from outwits the group
Although often people remain close to some members of the group
I think that's basically ok,as long as you are not over invested in it

I’m not having a pop here but I am genuinely curious as to what it is about school mums as opposed to any other group of women which makes people so anxious. Can explain this? Why do we not get tons of threads about women at work or at Book Club?

It seems to be more fraught than any other social circle and I really don’t understand why? I get on fairly well with our school mum cohort. None of them are best friends: they are all friendly and supportive and I am happy to hang out with them but I can’t bring myself to get too over-invested and if they have gatherings which don’t involve me I couldn’t really give a monkeys.

Can you not just step back and give them a bit of space for a bit? Find other people to hang out with? Why does it matter?

@thepeopleversuswork

I’m not having a pop here but I am genuinely curious as to what it is about school mums as opposed to any other group of women which makes people so anxious. Can explain this? Why do we not get tons of threads about women at work or at Book Club?

It seems to be more fraught than any other social circle and I really don’t understand why? I get on fairly well with our school mum cohort. None of them are best friends: they are all friendly and supportive and I am happy to hang out with them but I can’t bring myself to get too over-invested and if they have gatherings which don’t involve me I couldn’t really give a monkeys.

Can you not just step back and give them a bit of space for a bit? Find other people to hang out with? Why does it matter?

I think it's the fear that anything you do socially, rightly or wrongly, parents think will have an impact on their dcs at school. It makes it seem like a bigger deal, as if you let your dcs down if you don't participate in the whole thing. I choose not to, but for a short while I felt heavily obligated to do so! Luckily, I got out before I was too enmeshed with them...makes it sound like organised crime or something .

@thepeopleversuswork I don’t know why it’s different, I’ve not experienced this in friendships in any other context.
I guess I’m over invested. I don’t want to be. I don’t have other friends in this area, but I do recognise I need to pull back. Although it’s about mums more than kids, two of my child’s best friends are in this group which made me worry about impact, but I agree with those saying I’m worrying too much about that.

DD2's year group is horrendous - a group of mums who micromanage their kids' friendships into the kids of their group and will actively exclude any kids that aren't part of the mum clique - to the point they won't even reply to party invites and the like. It is horrid - I've tried and tried to break the walls down and now I just ignore but when it overspills onto the kids (one kid openly had a go at DD2 before schools closed that "my mummy doesn't like your mummy so I can't play with you

@dominashantotto

Exactly the same in my dcs class. It's so unpleasant. It's luck, as you say. My dc1 class parents were all really nice.

The parents at the school gate are really true friends are they if you wouldnt speak to to them if your kids weren't mates.

Over the years I have chatted daily to other parents, none have lasted when the kids move on.

Only one friendship from.a not baby group has lasted.

Just enjoy it for what it is. Save pouring your heart out for your real friends and just engage in that topics you dont like. Walk off at the point and go home.

I recognise some of this, but not all.
Most parents at the primary school gate just seem to be patiently waiting for their kids, minding their own business, and exchanging brief nods (sometimes a few words) with acquaintances.
And from times to times they will throw birthday parties where most kids in the class are invited (although enthusiasm for this kind of extravagances dampens after a year or two), and organise a few play dates because the kids asked for it.

Then there is 1 or 2 gossipy groups, always clustering together, speaking and laughing just a bit too loud, and looking sideways before whispering to one another something (probably?) a bit bitchy, with a "you didn't hear it from me" conspiratorial look on their face (I try not to stare... or snigger... when I see them at it. But it's hard not to notice them acting like they own the place)
A small minority. Maybe a handful are (or know) school governors, and/or are involved in organising the school's Christmas Fair and running the school's parents committee, so you don't want to get on their wrong side just in case. But it's not like your kids will miss out that much from not being invited to their exclusive, members-only play dates, surely? In fact it's probably better for them to miss out on all that (boring, meaningless) drama, and make friends just by being friendly to other kids in the playground?

Cliques are shite....too much pressure to conform, engage in politics etc and they normally get blown apart anyway by some petty gripe.

OP I can sympathise with what you're feeling and my advice would be to focus on limiting your contact to just meeting one on one with the people you like and think are genuine people in the group (if any) and the person whose child is best friends with yours, but try not to get drawn into the whole group dynamic if possible. The current situation lends itself to just meeting one on one instead of as a large group anyway. By putting your energy into this group you might be stopping yourself from making genuine friendships so try to talk to other people too when you're back to the school gates not just hanging onto this group who don't sound like your kind of people. As others have said, it will not affect who your children are friends with. Friendships shouldn't be forced, they should happen naturally and feel good and if they don't then step away.

SomeWateryTart

But surely the best way to protect your DCs from it impacting on them is to not be overly invested in the first place?

The social agenda of the kids should be set by the kids and not the mums desperately seeking validation from each other.

I honestly think if you care that much it’s God’s way of telling you to take a step back and broaden your circle. It’s really unhealthy to live your social life via your child’s.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

I don't get this. Just drop your kid off/pick them up and leave. You don't have to be friends with anyone. It's only full of drama of you let it be.

this in a nut shell, why get involved with the drama to start with. my dc have all grown up to be social and decent people we didn't bother with play dates -didn't need them [7 dc] and i didn't bother with having friends just people i knew to chat with in passing and no more.

The best thing I ever did was never to join any kind of WhatsApp group. I arrange play dates, via text, with the parents of the children. No need for mass messaging, it’s all too dramatic and I am too long in the tooth to get involved.

I'm at the other end of it with both children out of school. I made a really good friend through the mom's group. But there was also the politics of the group. My kids school was tiny - 40 kids in the school - so everyo e knew everyone. It got easier as they got older but I found the best thing was to be friendly to everyone and smiley and approachable. Friendships will emerge naturally over time I found.

Secondary school was so much easier. Far less parental involvement in kids social lives and I found far less judgement as everyone's kids had messed up somehow so parents were simply more understanding and more tolerant. More parents worked outside the home as well so there was less focus on the parent group.

The only thing you have in common with these people is that you all have children who are much the same age.

That's it. Why would you get on any better with them than you would another bunch of random strangers? The chances are you might become friends with some and not others. What clouds the issue with other mums is that your respective kids may be really good friends with one another, or not like them at all.

It's a fine balancing act. My dc's best friends are lovely, but their mums and I are just acquaintances rather than close friends. The mums I got on best with... funnily enough, the dc's weren't natural friends with one another and tolerated each others' company only because of the friendships between the adults.

@thepeopleversuswork

SomeWateryTart

But surely the best way to protect your DCs from it impacting on them is to not be overly invested in the first place?

The social agenda of the kids should be set by the kids and not the mums desperately seeking validation from each other.

I honestly think if you care that much it’s God’s way of telling you to take a step back and broaden your circle. It’s really unhealthy to live your social life via your child’s.

Oh no, I totally agree ! If you read back, I have been saying (and doing) exactly this the whole way along.

But the reason for maybe hanging back a little and not getting overly involved is because I think it can get messy and I would rather that not happen at my dcs' school. I am not on the WhatsApp group (anymore), I've never gotten close enough to any other parent to have a serious disagreement with them. It works smashingly for me! I'll make my good friends elsewhere please and thank you, (unless, by complete chance, I meet a total kindred spirit at the school gates, which isn't really all that likely).

It's going to be interesting in September how the parent groups have reformed and splintered with the long separation I have to say. Mine have been at school during lockdown and the "my mummy hates your mummy" mum has been nice as anything to me as the only other parent in the class who's been going in!

I had last year only rarely doing drop offs and pick up as I was back at uni which was bliss - but this year we're home learning for uni so I'm back to the rat race. Oh joy!

Lots of good points thanks.
I agree @malificent7 I don’t know when it changed into a clique but it took me too long to realise.
@pipnchops Yes everything you’ve said makes so much sense.