School mums are too much aren’t they

[NCschoolmumssuck]

I’m just finding the school mums scene too too much, AIBU? There’s a group of us who have spent time together socialising (with and without children) for years now, and yet it still feels like teenage levels of friendship drama, I feel like I can’t escape it without impacting on my child’s friendships and I’m exhausted.

Who had play dates with each other, who got invited on a park visit, which families have had clandestine barbecues with each other who has had secret sleepovers.. I don’t want to care about this shit, it’s so inane, I try to stay out of it ,and as a result am probably not as intensely involved as others in our group) but somehow I end up sucked in, and then feel paranoid, and shit about myself, second guessing why I wasn’t involved/told about X Y or Z.

I hate it, but if I walk away from it all I can’t see how it won’t wreck my child’s two most important friendships. And as we live away from family and old friends, this lot are pretty much all I’ve got.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly I didn’t take it as harsh at all, it was a good question!

@Molly500 yes I guess it wouldn’t feel like this if these were genuine friendships.

All those saying pull back, you are definitely right. I’m worried that I’m already in too deep! this ‘clique’ has been going for a few years, worried that doing this won’t go unnoticed and my child’s friendships will suffer in some way as a result. Also that without this group I’ll feel isolated and lonely.

It's only like this if you let it @NCschoolmumssuck.

Your life, you decide what you want to do. Take control back and do what you feel OK with. Children can still be friends without the adults acting like silly teenagers. Woman up and sort it out.

As others have said it will fizzle out once they are at Secondary school (although there will probably be a crazy time whilst everybody passive aggressively disses everybody else’s choice of secondary!)

It exists in other areas too: we moved into this house a couple of years ago and were immediately invited to various “Mums Nights” and “Dad Beers” and “Book Club/Wine o-clocks” by our perfectly nice, well-meaning neighbours. We politely declined because we’re both introverted and it felt too full on for us.

We live in a row of 4 houses and gradually noticed that the neighbours all seemed to have reciprocal bbqs throughout summer, go on camping holidays together and during lock down had street drinks. They’d occasionally call to each other over our garden (whilst we were sitting in it). I know they have a What’s App group as I’ve heard it mentioned. We’re obviously not included in it.

This is all fine of course, if a little awkward at times. But the most awkward moment came one day when we were walking back to our house and one of the neighbouring families emerged from their house carrying a bottle of wine, saw us and scuttled back inside only to re-emerge when we were safely inside. Sure enough, they were on their way to our immediate neighbour for a bbq with loads of other neighbours. It was horribly awkward.

I guess because we declined the initial invites we are just not their sort of people! And they are not our’s!

True that it must be harder once you're really entrenched in The Clique. Can you just be polite and responsive but not give too much of yourself to it iyswim? And then when they all go to secondary, you can start again (or decide not to get involved).

Also @Grandmi school gate mafia sounds about right! Ha! Maybe I need to go into witness protection!

Your only involved as much as you want to be, personally I drop my kids off and am away, not interested in being a playground gossip mum.

;''As others have said it will fizzle out once they are at Secondary school (although there will probably be a crazy time whilst everybody passive aggressively disses everybody else’s choice of secondary!)''

ha ha yes, it goes out on this high note!

@WinnieLo

;''As others have said it will fizzle out once they are at Secondary school (although there will probably be a crazy time whilst everybody passive aggressively disses everybody else’s choice of secondary!)''

ha ha yes, it goes out on this high note!

Reminds self not to rejoin WhatsApp group in year 6 !

I've been surprised, throughout primary school and then independent secondary school, just how much mothers orchestrate their children's friendships. I can't think that it does the kids much good as they leave school and start their own lives.

I've never really been part of one of those school mum friendship groups. I had people I would chat to casually on the playground or at sports matches but could see how intense and full of angst some of the mum friendship groups were.

It didn't bother me to not be part of one but I do think my dc were left out of things because of this. One of my friends - who I have known for many years - has a dd in a different year group where she's become part of a cliquey group and I'm aware her dd has far more plans this summer than my dd, even though her dd isn't particularly good friends with all the daughters in the group. But all are included by default. So I can see how it must be hard to now exclude yourself.

How old are your dc? If they have one or two very good friends in the group, can't you just focus on your dc maintaining contact with them?

@NCschoolmumssuck
I don't have much to offer in terms of advice but I totally get what you mean.
You want to do the right thing for your child even if it involves spending time with people you would usually avoid lol
If high school it really drops off imo. Also kids tend to make different friendship groups. I don't know the parents of alot of my kids mates but I did at primary.
It won't be forever. It does feel very reminiscent of being at school myself!

I'd never did this for my dc friendships tbh. Just because your kids have a friend you don't have to turn their family into family friends.
had no idea about most of my dc friends, they didn't miss out.
My friends are/were separate from school parents.
Fair enough, if there's someone you'd be friends with irrespective of kids then that's different.
I could never understand why women and it's usually mums get involved with playground stuff.

Some of the school mums at my DC’s schools are like the modern day rendition of mean girls. It’s pathetic behaviour to behold

Yep! I have found exactly the same thing and no, its not just me being over sensitive- I have lots of other friendship groups including friends who have kids and NONE of them behave this way. I have only ever witnessed this weird throw back to "mean girl" school behaviour with mums Ive met at the school gates. Its weird. I dont know any other grown adults who exhibit this stupid school behaviour- I can only think that I just got unlucky with the mums who go to my child's school. Agree that its pathetic and I have no time for it. So, I just distanced myself from it and my kids are fine- I have lots of friends who have kids so we just hang out with them- lovely, caring people. Your children dont HAVE to spend all their time with other kids at primary school - I made most of my life long friendships at secondary school, not primary so its perfectly possible not to hang out with that group and still make lots of friends!

I have no time whatsoever for WhatsApp groups that just consist of bitching and gossiping and being nasty about other mums who have done nothing wrong, social exclusion or any kind of juvenile pathetic nonsense like that. Just dont engage in it. Problem solved!

Yes I need more balance. I sort of tried the suggestion of focusing on the couple of people I get on with best who seem more genuine, but as they are still heavily involved in all ‘this’ it actually just made me more aware of what I was not involved in as a result. But maybe if I keep at it, and generally take a step back, this will lessen.

I don't like such groups but if you become less involved it doesn't mean your child will stop having friends from within the group. Perhaps gradually extricate yourself and be one of the last mums to pick up at the end of school. I did that (when I wasn't at work), and it didn't inhibit the social life of mine.

I find mums dictate friendships for their kids until they start of juniors, from then on they can’t control it, their kids do. I still have a friendship group of 16 years from when our kids were in reception, our kids stopped socialising with each other in juniors but the mums carried on.

You do know you are talking about yourself?

This. And that you're talking about every female parent with a child at school, it's not some special Mean Girls troupe. And, with respect, I think you're deluding yourself that you're tied in and cannot escape because of fostering your children's friendships -- that is an excuse for staying involved. I almost never did pick-ups and drop-offs at my child's old school, and I never socialised with the other mothers at all because I didn't like them much, what little I knew of them from the parents' WhatsApp group. I just invited DS's friends around for playdates when it suited us and promoted their friendships entirely independently of the mothers' group. It was perfectly possible to have a civil coffee with them if they stayed over during a playdate when the children were small.

Yes, I'm sure there were afterschool gatherings he wasn't invited to, because I was at work and he was at his childminder, but he certainly wasn't banished from his friendships although I had minimal involvement with the friends' mothers.

'School mums' are not one homogenous group. If they are you are one of them too and 'a bit much'. Personally I have experienced none of what you describe. All the parents in my DD's class get on well with each other and are very supportive. But I don't have the intense level of involvement you have. I say Good Morning at school drop off, have a little chat while waiting to pick up. I don't socialise with them apart from sometimes at kids' birthday parties. We have a class Watsapp for information etc and is always very supportive. As for who goes on play dates or park visits - I couldn't care less!

You need to focus on your own interests and develop those. Broadening your base will give you a new lease of life.

I was quite enmeshed in school groups when my children were in key stage 1 but started an evening class and joined a couple of local interest groups and old friends from work. From there I've developed lots of lovely friendships with people of all ages and a wide variety of interests.

Play dates are arranged around my children's requests not just my friends children.

I totally get where you’re coming from @NCschoolmumssuck. I probably could have written your post myself a few years back. I did disengage and yes my DC did get fewer invites (and my social life dropped off a cliff) but I focussed on summer clubs that my dc were interested in. Fast forward a few years and both Dc are about to start new schools and they are very happy and well adjusted and good at making new friends - in the long run it has helped me not micromanaging their social lives.

As for me, I started working again which has really helped put things in perspective and I have worked on a couple of friendships where the kids are a different age or at different schools. Much less stressful.

I mute group chats..

@Chantelli yes that’s it.

Those who say this isn’t inevitable you’re right! TBH I was happy to be involved in an emerging friendship group of mums when my eldest started at school as we were in a new area where I don’t have friends and family but as time had gone on it’s not what I thought, not like other friendships I have, don’t think I’m over sensitive but maybe lockdown has had an impact.
If I could turn back time I’d be inclined to do what I do with my younger child- friendly but detached, and never anything more than the odd play date with my child’s friends.

@KaleJuicer that’s reassuring Thankyou.

Those are saying not all school mums- I definitely agree this is not all school mums sorry my title suggests otherwise! I just meant the ‘cliques’. As opposed to all school mums or even all school mums in friendship groups.

I think sometimes you get a year group of mums where it's particularly bad and sometimes you don't - which partially explains different experiences (although on MN you do get people who would argue black was white just for the sake of an argument).

DD1 - there are some close knit long standing friendships, and some very overly-invested parents who only are friendly with others they view as having suitably high achieving kids they want theirs to be friends with, and one particularly prejudiced woman who refuses to speak to anyone she thinks is a stay at home mum - but there are also some decent ones who I get on well with, and some who are cool to have a crack on with for the 5-10 minutes you're waiting around. I find prejudiced mum hilarious as she does the same job I used to do (I'm retraining at the moment) - but she's convinced I'm a rough stay at home housewife mum cos my best mate at the school gate is a squaddie's wife - and so she views me as shit she's stood in. It just amuses me now - unfortunately my kid and her kid are magnetically attracted to each other - but she won't accept play dates from anything other than her target group of families (people have tried).

DD2's year group is horrendous - a group of mums who micromanage their kids' friendships into the kids of their group and will actively exclude any kids that aren't part of the mum clique - to the point they won't even reply to party invites and the like. It is horrid - I've tried and tried to break the walls down and now I just ignore but when it overspills onto the kids (one kid openly had a go at DD2 before schools closed that "my mummy doesn't like your mummy so I can't play with you") it fucking pisses me off. DD2 has mild SEN as well, and isn't the girliest girl - she knows what she likes - dinosaurs are cooler than unicorns because they could eat them, and superheroes are cool. Sadly the school have a lovely well behaved class there so they never mix the fecking situation up and I'm stuck with these women!

Just wanted to say that its not normal to be expected to be invited to everything. If its a birthday party, that's fair enough, but a family coming over for a bbq with another family, is just that. Amongst our group of friends I do sometimes have play dates with just one other child, or have them over for dinner and vice versa. I think you're being too sensitive.