School mums are too much aren’t they

[NCschoolmumssuck]

I’m just finding the school mums scene too too much, AIBU? There’s a group of us who have spent time together socialising (with and without children) for years now, and yet it still feels like teenage levels of friendship drama, I feel like I can’t escape it without impacting on my child’s friendships and I’m exhausted.

Who had play dates with each other, who got invited on a park visit, which families have had clandestine barbecues with each other who has had secret sleepovers.. I don’t want to care about this shit, it’s so inane, I try to stay out of it ,and as a result am probably not as intensely involved as others in our group) but somehow I end up sucked in, and then feel paranoid, and shit about myself, second guessing why I wasn’t involved/told about X Y or Z.

I hate it, but if I walk away from it all I can’t see how it won’t wreck my child’s two most important friendships. And as we live away from family and old friends, this lot are pretty much all I’ve got.

Sounds typical, sadly.. So competitive! We used to live{childhood home} in the same road as a Prep school and overhearing the the gossip as mothers and Nannies collected their charges in SUV's and Range Rovers while blocking the street was quite ludicrous.
It was all beady eyes and super-competitive.
It didn't sound friendly.
Far better to just have a couple of friends, and don't get involved with the others.
Just because your child/ren are friends with theirs doesn't mean you have to be ''best buddies'' with the other mothers.
Listen to your inner feelings.
They are rarely wrong.

Just get busy yourself.

Have plans that you make that aren't reliant or dependent on what others in the group are doing. Take up a hobby or develop an interest. Do couch to 5k or join a book group etc. Just busy yourself with something that has a bit of structure.

I do recognise what you're talking about becaise I'm vaguely aware of people like this but I work ft, do v few school runs and am generally fairly busy so this stuff can't really get to me. I feel v relieved to always be dashing in or rushing off when I hear about the pettiness of the parents' playground interactions sometimes.

I had this problem, it caused huge anxiety and I couldn’t cope with any of it, I helped myself by going on anti depressants, getting rid of SM and changing my mobile number and not giving the new number out. I feel so much better, my son still gets invited to a few party’s but I feel he is happier to. Go cold turkey, get rid!

ha ha I used to be terrified of them. A neighbor used to call them "Blonde PTA bitches." I both appreciated their terrifying competence and ran like the hills from them.

The drama is only among the kids. It was a bit awkward when DD had a painful friendship break-up with the child of a friend, but we are adults and perfectly able to understand that we can support our children without villifying other children and that our adult friendship is separate from that of our children.

Ah the good old mummy mafia

It must be such a problem, but one I didn't have when my children went to school.. Nobody bothered to have Mum's groups, or play dates or sleep overs and all the rest of the carnival. I definitely did not wish to socialise with other Mothers outside of school time, just had to tolerate some of them at the school gate.

I am not an unsociable person, I just don't like groupie things. and my children had their chosen friends, and their out of school activities,

It all stops at secondary, the mums (actually have to get a life) don't walk the kids to school any more so can't (terrorise) socialise at drop off. Any mums who continue intruding in kids' friendships are seen as annoying weirdos. Excitingly, little Jonny who knew his times tables at 6 often turns out to be shit at algebra, and dreamy Tommy who was too busy gazing out the window to form perfect letters at 7 turns out to shine at GCSE'S (cos, you know, he can think for himself) so you can also look forward to the smug mums going strangely quiet

@1forAll74

It must be such a problem, but one I didn't have when my children went to school.. Nobody bothered to have Mum's groups, or play dates or sleep overs and all the rest of the carnival. I definitely did not wish to socialise with other Mothers outside of school time, just had to tolerate some of them at the school gate.

I am not an unsociable person, I just don't like groupie things. and my children had their chosen friends, and their out of school activities,

Really? I went on play dates and sleepovers in the 80s and 90s. No WhatsApp then obviously, which was lucky for my parents!

It’s why I love motherland so much - it sums it all up perfectly for me. I wholeheartedly agree OP - our primary is exactly like this.

Your problem is that you care who has a BBQ/sleepover with whom.

Let go of that and you’re shiny, mate. Invite whomever you want to invite, remain pleasant to everyone. When they get no response from you to drama, and see you don’t mind at all that Tom and Niall had a day out but your DC wasn’t there, you’ll be free of all that rubbish.

It’s also fine to have Friendships of Convenience. I’ve had lots over the years. People I see loads of because our children are best mates or are on the same sports team etc so we’re thrown together and get along happily. Joint play dates when they’re tiny, coffees together while waiting for a practice to be over etc. We have nothing in common beyond that, but we enjoy the sociability and company while it lasts. We drift apart when the kids move on, and that’s natural.

From 11 onwards I have nothing to do with kids social arrangements though I approve their plans or not obviously. Bliss. Dd currently besties with child whose mum I can’t stand and has utterly binned my friends dd but nought to do with me anymore!

It's nothing like this at my DS's school. But to be honest I don't socialise with the school mums as I have nothing in common with them.

Oh have had friends since reception down to eight of us now. so coming up 16years. In normal times we meet up for a meal around 6 times a year, otherwise celebrate our childrens birthdays party together still they are 19. Never had this type of angst, our whats app group during lockdown has been fun and friendly. We did have one drama llama years back who said you are either my friend or hers, when we all said umm nope we are neutral she flounced.

Mummy Mafia!
@Fizzysours that’s reassuring!
@thewinkingprawn yes I live Motherland too, it does capture this ridiculous world really well.
@WendyHoused Good point. I wish I was more detached (I didn’t used to be so involved, things seem to just have ramped up over time) . What’s that book called: Magic Art of Not Giving an F?
I feel like I need to get back some of that spirit!

I think it all calms down a lot once children get to Y4 plus.

I also think that kindness does, eventually, win the day.

Yes I agree OP; they can be too much.
Some definitely have a 'mean girls' vibe about them and you see this reflected in their kids. And on it goes. If you aren't made this way , it takes a while to see it but when you do, the scales truly fall from your eyes. And- if the kids fall out, then the mums follow suit- madness.
I would never invest my time and energy like this again- I'm a loyal, kind mate but others... well, meh; it's their loss

@Eyesofdisarray so agree that it takes a while to see and then once you do you can’t un-see it!

@MaybeDoctor I’d certainly like to think that is true in the end

Completely agree with @Catgotyourbrain, these issues all exist and are exacerbated multiple times when you have SEN children. It's excruciating and you feel like you are excluded and walking on eggshells constantly, trying to liked/get your child into a group. Personally, I can't wait for secondary school where I hopefully won't have to be involved at all. Some places are worse than others (I live relatively rural but moved from large city) and have heard this from numerous mums I know. Just crack on and do your thing and forget about the rest of it if you can. x

Must be really hard sorry @doingmeheadin roll on secondary

I get it. We have a ring leader mum who has formed a group of mums who lick her arse. I refused to be part of it and declined offers of “let’s get to know each other” drinks and now if I ever comment in the class WhatsApp group, I don’t get replies, whereas any messages from any of “that” group, get gushing “thank you so much” responses for anything and everything they send.
I’m fine with it; I know a couple of other mums roll their eyes at it too. I’m not particularly friendly with them either but at least I know I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to get involved with the drama!
I only do pick up a few times a week so that helps things.

Who cares?? Hang out if you want to hang out. Don't if you don't. Why are you over-thinking it?

Who cares?? Hang out if you want to hang out. Don't if you don't. Why are you over-thinking it?

The OP cares and why wouldn't she?