School mums are too much aren’t they

[NCschoolmumssuck]

I’m just finding the school mums scene too too much, AIBU? There’s a group of us who have spent time together socialising (with and without children) for years now, and yet it still feels like teenage levels of friendship drama, I feel like I can’t escape it without impacting on my child’s friendships and I’m exhausted.

Who had play dates with each other, who got invited on a park visit, which families have had clandestine barbecues with each other who has had secret sleepovers.. I don’t want to care about this shit, it’s so inane, I try to stay out of it ,and as a result am probably not as intensely involved as others in our group) but somehow I end up sucked in, and then feel paranoid, and shit about myself, second guessing why I wasn’t involved/told about X Y or Z.

I hate it, but if I walk away from it all I can’t see how it won’t wreck my child’s two most important friendships. And as we live away from family and old friends, this lot are pretty much all I’ve got.

Secondary school was so much easier. Far less parental involvement in kids social lives and I found far less judgement as everyone's kids had messed up somehow so parents were simply more understanding and more tolerant

Sadly this wasn't my experience - the parents continued to try to control their kids' friendships and were constantly moaning to the headteacher about something or other. I think it helps if the kids don't all go to the same secondary from primary as you don't have all that baggage from the primary school.

It's easy to say who cares and ignore them but it affects your DC's social life and friendships. Generally I don't give a shit if people like me or not and irl if someone is rude to me, I'll happily walk away or tell them to fuck off. But you can't.

I think there is something about the school gate that seems to create this throwback to school vibe at times. I don't know why or how it happens, but it does. The big clique in DS' year I accidentally found myself in at first. Never having been in a clique in my life, it took a while to work out what was happening but I naively thought I could be friends with them and still carry on with my normal life. Apparently not.

What is weird about some of these groups is that some of the members don't seem to have any friends from other times in their lives. I'm not sure if this is because they've moved around and other friends are just far away or if it' because once they had kids they became so invested in their kids' lives? We went to a 40th birthday of someone from the clique, before the big fall out, and DH and I couldn't work out why it was almost ENTIRELY parents from our DC' school. And i twas a big party. It just seemed weird. Another woman from the group had the same (although, in her defence, I THINK she then had a different 40th in London but I didn't go to that one and the local one was just a "on the day" celebration).

One thing I've realised though is that often these cliques only start because of one or two people. Most of the others will, to a larger or lesser extent, find ways to be friends with the "gang" while also maintaining friendships and interactions outside of it. the other thing I've learnt is that the core members often have a terrible reputation outside of their clique, not least because you have to be a certain type to be in the clique (and at our school, that's extremely middle class, married, supposedly liberal, both parents working while juggling childcare etc). DS' two best friends are definitely NOT from these types of families and the mums clearly have zero time for the clique because of how rude the core members have been to them.

DS' two best friends are definitely NOT from these types of families and the mums clearly have zero time for the clique because of how rude the core members have been to them.

Also, as I was associated with the clique, in the beginning, both women were definitely wary of me even while trying to facilitate a relationship with their DC and DS.

There's a mum in my dcs class who will chat to me then walk off mid sentence when someone better comes along...it's unbelievable. I would never bother with someone like that usually but our children are friends.. what can you do?!

@formerbabe

There's a mum in my dcs class who will chat to me then walk off mid sentence when someone better comes along...it's unbelievable. I would never bother with someone like that usually but our children are friends.. what can you do?!

This is exactly the thing isn't it? As you said up thread, you can't exactly tell them to fuck off.

I actually try to view school parents a bit like colleagues. You are friendly, because you have to be! But being best of mates with any of them can sometimes get messy. There are definitely exceptions, I know!

I feel for you, OP. It's hard to strike a balance between avoiding becoming emotionally involved yourself whilst supporting your child's school life in the wider sense. Take a step back if you're anxious and get perspective. Your child will be looking to you for a steer too.

I had similar with eldest - was so excited to embrace the whole school scene - yuk! It got disgusting and bitchy and I opted out. With DC 3&4 who are a lot younger I did the opposite and was like ghost-mum - this wasn't ideal either as I wasn't in the loop of what was going on with things that I did need to know - hard to find a happy balance.

I don’t have any school mums as friends, they all seem to be in their own little groups & kind of look down on me I feel, I’m not that bothered though my child has 2 yrs left at primary school & then that’s it, I just take him, drop him off & then collect him, zero drama too!

It is reassuring that so many seem to be able to relate (some uncannily so @BlingLoving) thank you all. @SomeWateryTart good analogy! Shame I can’t apply for an internal transfer. @Ratbum You’re 100% right.

The one thing I was happy about with the lockdown was no school run. I hate it. I purposely set off a bit later so I don’t have to hang around.

It doesn’t affect my daughter, her best mate is someone who’s parents I’ve never even spoke to, saw them once at parents evening and smiled etc as our children were excited to see each other but I am definitely not one of the playground mafia. I spent enough time being bullied without having it as an adult.

You have to have a rhino hide to not be affected by some of the total nut jobs at the school gate.
You get to see real working psychos in action.
If you put your boundaries up, ignore the bullshit, don’t worry about your kids’ friendship groups too much while they’re young as they are transient - it’ll be fine!
If you find yourself getting sucked in to the who’s invited where - your kids will pick up on it. Stay away is my advice. But you’ll find the nice parents over time and I’d even keep them at arms length unless you really click.
We relocated and I got chance to start again and how refreshing it was to only have to odd coffee or drink here and there. These parents were only sounding me out as I was new. I made myself politely not worth knowing. Still friends with a few of the primary parents, as the divorces started kicking in, the priorities changed and a new crew of Party types formed. Good times from horrible circumstances!

I think it depends on the bunch you get, if you think about it school classes are relatively small, so there is a high chance most will be turds, or less depending on year group.

For my DD (9) her year group none of the mums and I hit it off, they are all very cliquey and all live close to each other (seems to be the same 2-3 streets, so all their kids knew each other before starting reception) whereas I moved a few months before DD started school. They are friendly enough, but not inclusive of me and another one of the mums who isn't as close to them, this has led to my child not being invited to some of the parties or playdates and it is hurtful.

DS (7) however the mums of the kids in his year are lovely, we are all friendly with each other and no one is left out. The same school but totally different groups of mums, so it really does depend (same applies for my sister, she has the same one of her children's year group mums are a lot nicer than the other)

It gets easier once the kids are older and their friendships are established; if they can meet up of their own accord then you don't have to pretend anymore!

Yes some nice mams. Im past all this as she 14 now. Found a few clicks but she walked in herself as she got older. Intimidating. I remember one ask about birthdays in Oct for December and she would be in your face about it. Few good friends now were through school run. So not all bad

I agree with someone up thread about viewing other parents as 'work colleagues'. A few will be real friends (which is great when it happens!), but mostly they're people you interact with for a bit & then everyone moves on with their life

Ah, the joy of the playground mafia. I avoided with my eldest and youngest’s dad does the school run so I don’t have to get involved.

Just be friendly with the Mums of your child's friends, not friends with them. They'll still get invites but you don't need to be buddies. After a while it will all blow up anyway and you will make friends with people who have a similar mindset.

This is just a moment in time, OP. School Mum friendships are so intense - more so than teenage girls. Sometimes I think it's like they are representing their kid in a popularity contest, like if I'm the Cool Popular Mum that will rub off on my kid. One day you'll wonder what all the fuss and drama was about, like when you look back on your own school days and shudder.

There's a mum in my dcs class who will chat to me then walk off mid sentence when someone better comes along
I’ve experienced that too.
There is a Queen Bee at my DD’s activity. The other members of the hive are okay individually and will chat but when the queen turns up they all form a circle. They actually were sitting with their backs to me even though they’d been talking to me normally moments earlier.

I think some of this stuff happens because you can be vulnerable at this time of life. I wasn't working for a few years when the DCs were young and once they were both at school it left me feeling a bit unanchored if that makes sense. I remember thinking it would be nice to just go for a coffee with some adults occasionally rather than back to the house with nothing to do but housework or waiting for 3pm. There was a group from my sons class that used to go for coffee at the end of my road every week. I got invited a few times but after a while it all got a bit weird. They stopped inviting me and would crowd around in the playground and seem to wait for me to walk ahead so they would be behind me and walked a different route that took them to the cafe but not as directly as the route I would take to go home which took me past the cafe.

Then there was a time when one told me how she had asked for 'her friend ' to be invited but it had been decided by one of them that the group wasn't to be made any larger which was odd because other people had been invited. It was clearly intended to mean that I was the 'Friend' she was referring to and she wanted me to know I wasnt invited and other people were

At the time I felt a Billy no mates and hated the feeling of it all but also knew I couldn't say anything. But the best thing I did was step away and get on with other things. As it turned out I ended up retraining in a whole new career which would have happened anyway , but it gave me a focus.

I take it that your children are young - try not to worry too much about it as things will change when they get older & choose their own friends. The school mums thing tends to lessen after year 7 especially if kids end up at different schools. This situation may seem really big at the moment but it will pass.

I'm about to enter this World of Vipers again as an older mam (i'm 48 with a just 4 year old). I didn't like the school drop off scene the first time round with my 27 year old, I was the mam at the back of the playground just chilling. I have a few mam friends, but the two i'm closest to, their girls are going to different schools. I'm not backwards at coming forwards, just hate unjustified competitiveness and pettiness, so it should be fun in the snakepit.

@Quarantimespringclean

I truly don’t understand this. I don’t understand why anyone thinks women’s personalities change just because they regularly meet at a school gate. Why are those people’s personalities different to women that meet over a spread sheet or in the hospital canteen or any other work environment?

I’m old now but a lot of my close group of friends were originally school gate mums beside me. They are no more or less bitchy than the people I know from uni or sports teams previous jobs. Of course some mums at the gates were bitchy or shallow or judgemental just as some people I have worked with or studied with were but the school gates didn’t make them that way. They would have been that way wherever I met them.

I feel so sorry for new mums on MN who read about these dreaded school gate mums. I would urge them to ignore it and approach pick ups and drop offs with an open mind. You are as likely to meet future BFFs there as you are are anywhere else in your life.

Because some of these mums lives revolve around being a click, thinking they are important. Some mums are not shallow or hold our social status in a high regard so turned Up noses or scatty comments I hear or see now make me smile. Who's playing with who where and what's going on... who fricken cares. Or some of us just don't care what they think.. we have jobs and are busy getting through the day. One stay at home mum pisses me off if she actually worked and parent she would have less time to be a bitch with a more fulfilled live?!
thank god for me needing after school care I avoid his bs So set boundaries to what you tolerate or say yes too. Christ almighty not being a married mum you can't talk to the dads without being watched 😂 Truely understand that not all people think the norm is worthy of being involved in.

I kind of feel this. My son is about to go into year one and the mums are very clique. There's the clique with older kids already at the school, there's the clique who already knew each other from NCT/ local schools, there is one mum.who is super competitive and dominant and loves to drop in that's she's seen another mum.and their child for a playdate when my child is actually a much better friend with that child. The teachers have said that my son is well liked by all of his class and he is always invited to parties etc. But I never get invited for a drink or whatever and then see the insta posts. Naturally because of the mum cliques the kids play together out of school and I feel sorry for my son that he misses out. I have had kids over for playdates after school but only 1 child has invited mine back.