Husband just told me I'm fat

[SharyBobbins]

Yesterday I (briefly) wore a very tight fitting vest top. I noticed that I had a tummy in it, the kind I might usually get after eating too much but it's definitely a bit of weight gain, not bloat. I asked my husband if I had a tummy in it and he said yes, that it was a "lock down stomach" that he had started to notice over the past few weeks. Tonight after it came up again I asked him to be honest and tell me what he was really thinking as he was skirting around it saying things like "you don't exercise or anything do you". I said to him just tell me what you really think and he literally said "you are getting fat". I said I'd never openly say something so hurtful to him and that it's just my "mum tum". He said it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm a mum. I don't know how to handle this. My confidence is shit any way. The only thing I've ever felt was okay about me is my figure. I'm a size 8-10. He's always commented on how much he likes my size and when I asked if he would still be attracted to me if I put on weight he didn't answer. I'm gutted.

I've reread my post and want to clarify what I meant - that the word 'fat' can mean different things to different people. It doesn't necessarily mean that you feel overweight

If you’d asked me I’d have been honest too.
If you don’t want the truth, don’t ask.

I really feel for you OP. I'm very overweight now, but I remember what it was like to be a size 8 and then one day to realise I was putting on a bit of weight. It takes a bit of getting your head around.

Sounds to me like you don't like what you see in the mirror. What would you like to do about it? Because it sounds like your DH is trying to suggest you try to get fit. If you really do no exercise now, I promise you that you'll feel much, much better if you start.

I could be "pushed" a million times, I'd still never tell someone who wears 8-10 clothing that they're getting fat because it's clearly not true.

None of us are in your relationship and know the dynamic between you. We don't know if he did say something because you wanted him to acknowledge you've developed a bit of a tummy, or if he was playing on your insecurities to hurt you. That's the thing about telling this kind of thing to strangers on the internet.

I think that being a size 8 means you notice your own weight gain more. I'm 5 foot 8 and was always 8 stone 10 until last year, when I put on about half a stone purely through eating more. It was noticeable because it was all stomach and thighs, and my clothes were slightly tighter. I was not "fat" but I was slightly fatter than my usual size. Had I asked someone out of the blue for an opinion, and that person was a bit clumsy with wording and put on the spot, they could easily have said something similar to the OP's DH. I get it, because I didn't like it and have now lost it.

As with other PPs... you know you’ve put weight on, it’s noticeable, but you were seeking a “ no of course you haven’t put any weight on “ answer and you got his truth, which was... “ you’re getting fat.”
You don’t like the answer and so you’ve turned to MN .
He was being truthful.
If you don’t exercise then what do you expect.
Don’t ask questions of people that might give you a ‘the truth will hurt’ answer.

You pushed and pushed and pushed don’t like the answer so asked MN - your poor poor OH now being slagged off by some of MN

@SharyBobbins

I just think there is a difference between saying "you have put some weight on around your stomach" and "you are getting fat". I would never say the latter to someone but maybe that's me who is wrong, I dont know!

Why do you need him to express himself in the way you want him to? Yes, for sure, your way is more diplomatic ... but surely you know him well enough by now not to be surprised by his response?

Maybe you're feeling self-conscious about how you're looking. But your partner is not there to protect you from the truth, even if you want them to do that.

Ok, yes, I understand now that proportion is relevant re dress sizes and how we appear. But surely your ideal waist measurement is the same no matter your height. And the same with other measurements that determine dress size.

If there was a graphic showing correlation between bmi and dress size, would it really differ depending on height?

@inkpaperstars No, your ideal waist measurement is not the same regardless of your height As a rough guide, your waist measurement should be no more than half your height.

If you're a size 8-10 and fat then I as a 12-14 must be Moby Dick

You asked him to be honest instead of skirting around it. He was honest and now you’re upset?

I don’t think it’s what he said OP, I think it’s because deep down, even though you asked for honesty, you wanted him to say you weren’t fat or give you some other compliment to reassure you that he loves you regardless.

You knew in your own mind that you had put weight on, else you wouldn’t have asked him to be honest.

He could have sugar coated it a bit but tbh, I don’t think there’s much wrong with what he said.

I did not know that @groundrightdown, thank you for correcting me.

You asked him over and over and he told you.
Why are you upset??

Maybe be greatful that he told you the truth 🤷‍♀️

Ps I am fat by 3 stone, and I like it when my dh is honest with me

I'd still never tell someone who wears 8-10 clothing that they're getting fat because it clearly isn't true
Probably depends on the clothes really. Things like leggings and big baggy tshirts can easily stretch to accomodate weight gain. Something thats very fitted and doesn't have any elastic or lycra in it won't stretch and the person has to stay pretty much the same size if they want to fit into them.
Anyway, OP I'm sfraid with the majority. Don't expect other people to lie to make you feel better.

'Women who carry a little extra weight tend to live longer than the men who mention it'

honestly i hate this so much - you asked him a really fucking loaded question, and there was seemingly only one correct answer. he told you the honest answer (and seemingly, you knew that info anyway, you just wanted validation of the opposite nature) and when you got the answer you didn't want, you've turned it around to your husband. you clearly know you've put on weight and are insecure. that's not your husband's fault! if you don't want the answer, dont ask! did you want him to lie???

This thread is nuts. OP has come back to say, several times now, that she appreciates the comments and takes it on board. And still, posters are piling on repeating what's already been said. 🤷🏻‍♀️

your poor poor OH now being slagged off by some of MN

Yes, the poor man who told his wife and the mother of his children that he wouldn’t fancy her anymore if she put on weight.

What a deserving target for your sympathy.

Thanks for noticing @EarringsandLipstick, I'm guessing some posters don't bother to read the updates or just enjoy piling on regardless

when I asked if he would still be attracted to me if I put on weight he didn't answer

Well he didn't tell OP that, he didn't answer. What an odd thing to ask someone, in honesty most people would be less attracted to their partner if they put on weight I bet, doesn't mean they wouldn't still love them.

OP, it comes across as you have self esteem issues and are beating yourself up over the weight gain. It's like you wanted to push him into saying it as some kind of punishment to yourself. To prove that you are right for being hard on yourself and validate your thoughts.

The fact you brought it up several times suggests it is an issue for you, I get that, I am size 8 and I do have a fat stomach, I am very short so every extra lb shows on me. My self esteem is complicated too, I get where you are coming from but it's not a healthy place to be, for either of us.

I may be projecting obviously but it's the exact kind of thing I would do and I would then be upset too.

Sorry OP