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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband just told me I'm fat

199 replies

SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:05

Yesterday I (briefly) wore a very tight fitting vest top. I noticed that I had a tummy in it, the kind I might usually get after eating too much but it's definitely a bit of weight gain, not bloat. I asked my husband if I had a tummy in it and he said yes, that it was a "lock down stomach" that he had started to notice over the past few weeks. Tonight after it came up again I asked him to be honest and tell me what he was really thinking as he was skirting around it saying things like "you don't exercise or anything do you". I said to him just tell me what you really think and he literally said "you are getting fat". I said I'd never openly say something so hurtful to him and that it's just my "mum tum". He said it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm a mum. I don't know how to handle this. My confidence is shit any way. The only thing I've ever felt was okay about me is my figure. I'm a size 8-10. He's always commented on how much he likes my size and when I asked if he would still be attracted to me if I put on weight he didn't answer. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 01/08/2020 18:20

He was trying to avoid being blunt, you told him to be honest, he said you are getting fat, and now you're upset?!
Stop being so sensitive. If you're not happy with gaining weight, deal with it, don't blame your husband for giving an honest response when you asked for one.

Nicknacky · 01/08/2020 18:21

As if posters would actually leave their husbands over this. It’s one of those things that’s only ever said on forums like this and no one in real life would ever consider it.

OP, you did push him into it.

user1471447924 · 01/08/2020 18:21

LOL you can’t goad him into something and the decide you don’t like the answer! Grin

Scentsandsensible · 01/08/2020 18:23

You pushed and pushed and you already knew the answer (not that you’re fat but that you’ve t on weight). Like almost everyone I know - I’ve put on weight over lockdown - so has dh - we laugh about it - promise to eat a little healthier and do some more exercise and get over it.

formerbabe · 01/08/2020 18:24

He's always commented on how much he likes my size

His 'compliments' are a disguised way of saying don't get fat.

MorganKitten · 01/08/2020 18:24

You’d rather hi lie to you?

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 01/08/2020 18:26

I wish my dh had pointed out I needed to lose a stone or 2..
Coz now it's def 3..
If your spouse can't be honest with you, who can /should?

Leaannb · 01/08/2020 18:26

You asked him for an honest opinion and when he gave it to you, you got upset....How manipulative can you be?

BakewellGin1 · 01/08/2020 18:26

To be fair you asked and he was honest.

If I asked DH am I fat currently he would say yes (and I am as I have gained 2 stone since having DS and am now a 16)
I would rather he was honest then lie to me. If i said do I need to lose weight he would say yes - I do.

You said yourself you have gained a little weight and you have pushed him several times into a corner.

However an 8 to 10 isn't fat at all but if you know yourself you have gained a little weight why ask - you know. I'd say he meant yes you are gaining weight it's not like he said 'yes darling your massive'

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 01/08/2020 18:27

You asked for honesty so you can't really complain. Also its not really a mum tum if it just normal weight gain unrelated to pregnancy is it? That's a bit like "post baby bods" lasting years and years. If the gain bothers you, make a plan to do something to feel better. If it doesn't then crack on and don't ask for people's opinions on your body!

Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:27

That's fine, I appreciate what you are saying. I guess me and him are just different people with different ways of reacting. His appearance has changed in the many years we have been together and I know he is self conscious about a particular aspect of this. Whenever he has asked about it I've always tried to be tactful and say I couldn't care less about his appearance changing because I'll always love him and be attracted to him regardless. He's always said he probably wouldn't fancy me if I "got fat" so here we are. It's either loose the weight or risk him not being attracted to me any more. I was alright with having a bit of a stomach.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2020 18:27

Don't ask if you don't want to know the answer!

That was very unfair of you to push him into it and then come and moan about him.

Man are more straightforward, most are, it doesn't mean they are bastards.

Anyway, I find it quite concerning people can't be truthful to each other in long term relationship. If your partner, who you share home and often body liquids woth can't tell you (not in a shit way though, simple matter of fact will do) that you are putting on weight, then who can.

Veganfortheanimals · 01/08/2020 18:28

I’m fat
I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m fat ,I can work it out for myself
If yr size 8/10 your not fat ,don’t be rediculous,regardless of what your dh thinks ,you know 8/10 is not fat
..get a grip

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2020 18:29

Whenever he has asked about it I've always tried to be tactful
He did too though

Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:29

@PablosHoney fair comment! He was probably just repeating my words which are a consequence of too much time with a toddler. Although it is better than belly, that word makes me heave Wink

OP posts:
Lockheart · 01/08/2020 18:29

Being overweight is objective.

The fact you have put on weight and are getting fat is a statement of fact, as you have said so yourself. It's not a value judgement.

Why are you "gutted" that he's said something, upon being asked, that you acknowledge yourself?

ari11 · 01/08/2020 18:29

You pushed him into it. He couldn’t win .

BakewellGin1 · 01/08/2020 18:30

Also - I think most people prefer someone at a particular size... I was a size 12 when I met DH... 13 years later I'm a size 16.

Both of us prefer me at a 12 doesn't mean he loves me any less. Just as I love him but he is now also about 3 stone heavier and of course I think he looks better when he's been at the gym, is toned etc Luckily for him he is also 6ft 3 so carries the extra weight better then I do lol

morefun · 01/08/2020 18:31

When I was in my first relationship and a size 8, I put on some weight and asked my boyfriend if he had noticed. He reluctantly said yes, but it didn't matter. I asked would he be attracted to me bigger, and he said yeeesss... he's not just with me for looks... also rather reluctantly! Tbh I accepted that, said nothing more and lost the few pounds. It does hurt your feelings, but perhaps he really loves your figure and feels a bit sad if you stopped taking care of yourself as much? Of course, if you don't want to lose weight, don't! Sounds like you were unhappy with it and pushed him a little though.

formerbabe · 01/08/2020 18:32

An honest answer is that she's put on weight.

Saying she's getting fat is not really true as at a size 8-10, she's not fat and even if she puts on a few pounds, she'll be heavier but probably not overweight or fat.

Charleyhorses · 01/08/2020 18:32

What exactly did you want him to say? My dh has never once commented on my weight. Fat/thin whatever. I have a mirror, I never felt the need to ask him.

morefun · 01/08/2020 18:34

I should've added that you aren't "fat" at a size 8-10, but shape changes can be obvious quite quickly when you are very slim (annoyingly!)

Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:34

A few things, "mum tum" was the best thing I could come up with to resemble "dad bod".

Calling me manipulative is a little harsh!

I haven't come on here to moan about him, other than saying I hoped he would be more tactful I cant see where I have moaned about him? We haven't even spoken about what was said yet, I came on here to get my head straight first!

OP posts:
blue25 · 01/08/2020 18:34

Most men don’t want their partner to get fat If we’re being honest. You asked him repeatedly and got the truth. Did you want him to lie?

KrabbyPatties · 01/08/2020 18:34

Get your ego out of the way OP and just lose it

I’ve put in a stone myself so you’re not alone

But really there’s no point in beating up your husband after pushing him into it