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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband just told me I'm fat

199 replies

SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:05

Yesterday I (briefly) wore a very tight fitting vest top. I noticed that I had a tummy in it, the kind I might usually get after eating too much but it's definitely a bit of weight gain, not bloat. I asked my husband if I had a tummy in it and he said yes, that it was a "lock down stomach" that he had started to notice over the past few weeks. Tonight after it came up again I asked him to be honest and tell me what he was really thinking as he was skirting around it saying things like "you don't exercise or anything do you". I said to him just tell me what you really think and he literally said "you are getting fat". I said I'd never openly say something so hurtful to him and that it's just my "mum tum". He said it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm a mum. I don't know how to handle this. My confidence is shit any way. The only thing I've ever felt was okay about me is my figure. I'm a size 8-10. He's always commented on how much he likes my size and when I asked if he would still be attracted to me if I put on weight he didn't answer. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Chungus · 01/08/2020 18:34

If you're a size 8-10 you haven't got a 'bit of a stomach'.

Pumpertrumper · 01/08/2020 18:34

If he’d said it off his own back that’s one thing and I’d be saying YANBU unacceptable behaviour.

But frankly YABU If you say ‘be honest please tell me the truth’ and then get annoyed that he told you the truth! It’s borderline gaslighting but yet most women do it
‘I won’t get cross if you tell me the truth, I just want to know’
‘Ok, you’re getting fat’
‘OMG’

MrsGrindah · 01/08/2020 18:35

Also a husband should be able to tell their partner they are putting on weight especially if asked. Context is important though. If he said it with a nasty tone and look on his face that’s unkind.But if he said it reluctantly honestly, that’s different altogether. We need to be more open about weight . I think that’s part of the problem.

BeeFarseer · 01/08/2020 18:35

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

You were looking for him to him to say something specific that you had in mind. He had no chance in hell, did he 🤷‍♀️
This. You pushed him into it AND you had some kind of idealised answer in your own head.

He is not a mind reader.

You may have always tried to be tactful and say that you couldn't care less about his appearance but he doesn't know you were being tactful. To him, you were being honest. He's being honest with you.

Don't ask people to be honest if you're not ready for an honest answer.

BigBadVoodooHat · 01/08/2020 18:35

Tonight after it came up again I asked him to be honest and tell me what he was really thinking

I said to him just tell me what you really think

I said I'd never openly say something so hurtful to him and that it's just my "mum tum"

Why did you ask him, more than once, to be absolutely honest, when what you actually wanted was for him to dismiss your weight gain (which you yourself are already fully aware of) as 'just a "mum tum"'?

It's not like he called you Jabba the Hutt and said he finds you repulsive.

Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:37

I just think there is a difference between saying "you have put some weight on around your stomach" and "you are getting fat". I would never say the latter to someone but maybe that's me who is wrong, I dont know!

OP posts:
iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 01/08/2020 18:38

You're a size 8-10 so you're not 'getting fat' although you may be putting on weight. His choice of words was pretty shit and not true.

lljkk · 01/08/2020 18:39

"Be honest!" does not = "say what you think with extreme sensitivity for how upset I might be to hear the truth"

Threads like this remind me to never give a Fig what anybody else thinks of my bodysize.

WeEE · 01/08/2020 18:40

I understand people saying he was pushed in to giving an answer, but I can definitely understand why that comment would hurt and make you feel shit. A bit too honest of him maybe 🙈.

If you are interested in losing a couple of pounds, I have been using the "lose weight in 30 days" app to try and lose the final 8 pounds after having a baby. I lost 4 pounds in 12 days. It's really good. Has exercises that you can do in under 10 mins too.

If you are happy with the weight gain, then bugger him.

Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:41

Okay like most have you have said I asked for his honest opinion and got one so I am being unreasonable being upset. Thank you for your replies

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 01/08/2020 18:41

I'd expect him to say something like
'yes, you have put on a bit, haven't we all? I love you tummy and all, but if you want some help/support shifting it just tell me what you need'.

42ndStreet · 01/08/2020 18:42

Never, ever ask a question unless you're braced to hear any possible answer.

This is something which is so obvious that it should be taught in school.

Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:43

Thank you @WeEE.
I'll have a look at the app too!

OP posts:
BigBadVoodooHat · 01/08/2020 18:44

I just think there is a difference between saying "you have put some weight on around your stomach" and "you are getting fat"

They mean the exact same thing.

He'd already tried gentler, more tangential euphemisms such as mentioning that you haven't been doing much exercise, but you kept pushing for 'honesty' and are now gutted because he didn't use the 'right' sort of honesty.

The reason he was reluctant to answer in the first place is because he knew that he had a 0.001% chance of getting it right. And then when he refused to answer any more questions on the same subject that was wrong too.

Poor sod.

Staplemaple · 01/08/2020 18:44

It's not unreasonable to feel upset at him saying it as that's how you feel. But the unreasonable bit is that he was in a bit of a lose lose situation being prodded to answer.

Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:45

@KrabbyPatties I'd love enough confidence to have a ego

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 01/08/2020 18:45

I just knew when I clicked on this that the OP would have asked him. She actually pushed and pushed for him to say it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2020 18:46

@blue25

Most men don’t want their partner to get fat If we’re being honest. You asked him repeatedly and got the truth. Did you want him to lie?
Tbf I assume lots of women don't too. I am not sure if I could handle my dh getting as fat as I didBlush I am not attracted to fat so I am not attracted to myself atm, but I can't see myself as much as I would see the other person so my brain tries to not remember I am fatBlush Sounds crazy, but well ...
user1498572889 · 01/08/2020 18:47

You asked him. If you don’t want an answer you don’t like don’t ask.

Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:47

Just so you are aware he has no idea I am upset, as far as he is aware I'm downstairs cleaning up as usual after tea so no need to feel sorry for him. Trust me, he won't be feeling bad about what he said or being "forced" to say it.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2020 18:49

He shouldn't feel bad.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/08/2020 18:49

I just think there is a difference between saying "you have put some weight on around your stomach" and "you are getting fat".

But he did say the stomach-type comments first before you pushed. And tbh you can't write lines for other people to say. If they only said what you wanted them to, you might as well talk to yourself. I think your DH is just a distraction in this and it's about how you feel about yourself. Focus on that and don't bring him into it.

thevassal · 01/08/2020 18:50

@SharyBobbins

I just think there is a difference between saying "you have put some weight on around your stomach" and "you are getting fat". I would never say the latter to someone but maybe that's me who is wrong, I dont know!
But it sounds like he DID say this the first time you asked and he said you had a 'lockdown stomach,' which pretty much is saying exactly what you are now saying you wanted him to say. Then you asked again and he again tried to be tactful by saying that you hadn't been exercising, etc. Then you asked AGAIN and specifically TOLD him to stop being tactful and using euphemisms so he did exactly what you asked him to do, and now you are upset that he did so?

You do sound a bit like hard work.....

PuzzledObserver · 01/08/2020 18:51

The only thing I've ever felt was okay about me is my figure.

I think it would be more beneficial to work on your self-esteem rather than trying to flatten your tummy. Once you are comfortable being you, you might find the tummy takes care of itself.

Waveysnail · 01/08/2020 18:51

He probably just wanted you to.stop going on so was brutally honest