Husband just told me I'm fat

[SharyBobbins]

Yesterday I (briefly) wore a very tight fitting vest top. I noticed that I had a tummy in it, the kind I might usually get after eating too much but it's definitely a bit of weight gain, not bloat. I asked my husband if I had a tummy in it and he said yes, that it was a "lock down stomach" that he had started to notice over the past few weeks. Tonight after it came up again I asked him to be honest and tell me what he was really thinking as he was skirting around it saying things like "you don't exercise or anything do you". I said to him just tell me what you really think and he literally said "you are getting fat". I said I'd never openly say something so hurtful to him and that it's just my "mum tum". He said it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm a mum. I don't know how to handle this. My confidence is shit any way. The only thing I've ever felt was okay about me is my figure. I'm a size 8-10. He's always commented on how much he likes my size and when I asked if he would still be attracted to me if I put on weight he didn't answer. I'm gutted.

Don't set people up to fail. You know the state of it, so if you don't want to have that reinforced, don't push people to give that answer.

Speaking for myself, at 8-10 (and short) and being half a stone higher than I would like to be, a lot of that has gone on my "mum tum" created by a EMCS and exceptionally large bump, and the only way I'd ever have a flat, smooth abdomen again would be via cosmetic surgery. My lockdown gains have accumulated on my thighs and mum-tum and my tummy is at the threshold of looking fat, and I'm only a couple of lb left within the healthy BMI range. Yet my size 8 tops fit despite being close to the point of developing rolls near my waist. A lot depends on body shape and my B cups that don't grow unless I'm pregnant don't balance me out.
I'm well aware of it, have plans to manage it and don't need to push DH into stating the obvious.

How big size 8-10 is depends a lot on how tall you are. I am 5’10 and a size 10 and am slender. At 4’11 I would look quite overweight.

It does sound a bit like you pushed him into saying it. And I know for a fact that my lovely, kind and generally amazing wouldn’t really fancy me if I was fat, and honestly, I wouldn’t him. Neither of us find overweight people attractive. Would we still love each other? Yes. But my husband is honest to a fault sometimes and if I put on weight and then quizzed him about it, I imagine I’d end up hearing something that upset me.

It’s very difficult for anyone to comment on this fairly without hearing the tone of the conversation and knowing the background. Would you describe him as kind to you in general?

@SharyBobbins

Just so you are aware he has no idea I am upset, as far as he is aware I'm downstairs cleaning up as usual after tea so no need to feel sorry for him. Trust me, he won't be feeling bad about what he said or being "forced" to say it.

Unless he's he stupidest person on the planet, and you're a BAFTA-worthy actress, I'm pretty sure he has an idea.

You told him what he said was 'openly hurtful' and so he stopped answering your questions. Of course he knows.

Well he was tactful to start with but you didnt like that. Lets be honest this is the exact scenario you set up - force him inti saying your fag and then gut upset

Look hes been honest with you from the start, he wont be attracted to you if you gain weight. You cant now start gerting upset about the pressure this puts on you, thid was inevitable really

I've gained two stone, it's so obvious. My husband still calls me "little wife" and I know he can clearly see the weight gain but he would never bring it up unless I really pushed but he would word it more sensitively

His wording was a little harsh, I can understand why it hurt your feelings.

Sounds like you both have an issue with being 'fat'.

And sorry if it sounds harsh and I’m sure some people won’t like me saying this, but being a mother isn’t any reason to be overweight longer term. It might change your shape after giving birth, yes, particularly on the stomach. But that’s very different to talking about lockdown weight gain or other gain that happens long after you give birth - in that situation then calling it a ‘mum tum’ when it’s just been put on, is a bit of a cop out.

Don't ask questions if you don't want to hear the answer. I know I've put on some weight, but I wouldn't ask anyone about it, because I'll either hear something I don't want to hear or I'll force them to lie answer tactfully, which is perhaps even worse than the cold, hard truth.

It's not nice to feel you're less attractive to him because of the weight gain, but can you honestly say that you'd find him just as attractive if he gained weight, grew/shaved his beard, got a neck tattoo, changed his general style of dress, or whatever else it might be that you personally find unappealing? Doesn't mean you wouldn't still love him, but you might not find him as physically attractive.

To be fair op, you did ask him to be honest. He may have been a bit tactless in his response but he was honest. 🤷‍♀️

I don't know why you even had to ask him. I've put on weight. The scales tell me, my clothes tell me. I can see it for goodness sake. He had no way of winning this one.

You dragged it out of him OP. And now you’re upset that he didn’t say exactly what you wanted him to.

His answer was pretty tactless however you asked him to be honest and now you are upset that he has been!

The thing is everyone - unless they have body dysmorphia or anorexia or some other similar condition - knows exactly how fat or otherwise they are. No good will ever come of forcing other people to tell you. It always ends in either lies or tears.

This is what is called a loaded question. There is no correct answer....

You're feeling uncomfortable with yourself and you are wanting reassurance x get down that gym and do it for you not your husband x

What a lot of morons on this thread blabbing on about how you can be fat at size 8!

Agree with a PP, you both sound self-obsessed about your weight though ...

LTB

People are being nasty to you OP.

You really aren't fat at 8/10.
And he should not have implied that you are.

You badgered him into a corner. Probably a good lesson in not fishing for compliments under the banner of wanting someone to be honest.

Size 8-10 is NO fat but some men are crazy.
My friend had a boyfriend who was regularly checking her legs for cellulite. If she would have he said he would dump her.

All men have to be honest at all times (LTB the liar) unless they are asked for an honest answer, then they ought to lie.

I'll try and explain this to DS.

@GeorginaTheGiant

What about the term 'dad bod'? Or is it just mum tum which bothers you?

I have another app to suggest - Loseit. It tracks both calorie intake, goals, nutrition and calories burned by activities. It's been super helpful for me.

he said you had a 'lockdown stomach,' which pretty much is saying exactly what you are now saying you wanted him to say.
Then you asked again and he again tried to be tactful by saying that you hadn't been exercising, etc.
Then you asked AGAIN and specifically TOLD him to stop being tactful and using euphemisms so he did exactly what you asked him to do, and now you are upset that he did so?

Exactly. It's as if you WANTED him to say something that would hurt you. And now you're saying you'd rather he had said what he said in the first place.
Seriously, are you always self-destructive?

@Hiddennameforever

Size 8-10 is NO fat but some men are crazy. My friend had a boyfriend who was regularly checking her legs for cellulite. If she would have he said he would dump her.

That's a bit different level to having "you are getting fat" extracted from you and your friend should dump his arse