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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband just told me I'm fat

199 replies

SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:05

Yesterday I (briefly) wore a very tight fitting vest top. I noticed that I had a tummy in it, the kind I might usually get after eating too much but it's definitely a bit of weight gain, not bloat. I asked my husband if I had a tummy in it and he said yes, that it was a "lock down stomach" that he had started to notice over the past few weeks. Tonight after it came up again I asked him to be honest and tell me what he was really thinking as he was skirting around it saying things like "you don't exercise or anything do you". I said to him just tell me what you really think and he literally said "you are getting fat". I said I'd never openly say something so hurtful to him and that it's just my "mum tum". He said it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm a mum. I don't know how to handle this. My confidence is shit any way. The only thing I've ever felt was okay about me is my figure. I'm a size 8-10. He's always commented on how much he likes my size and when I asked if he would still be attracted to me if I put on weight he didn't answer. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 20:02

@EggBoxes you are probably right.

OP posts:
TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 01/08/2020 20:03

You got the truth and are offended? Next time, believe the mirror and do not ask.

Inkpaperstars · 01/08/2020 20:05

I have no problem with my DP calling me fat when I am fat, like now unfortunately. He knows it won't add to my stress for him to state fact.

But if he started being shifty about a few extra pounds while I can still fit in a size 8 I would be Hmm

Inkpaperstars · 01/08/2020 20:07

Keep wearing that top btw, sends a message that whatever you feel about weight you aren't needing to hide away or be dictated to.

PhoneLock · 01/08/2020 20:07

Height has nothing to do with it. If you have told us your actual weight we would need to factor in height, but dress size already does that. A 5ft size 8 is the same slimness as a 5'10 size 8

Height has everything to do with it. It is about proportion.

Quoting dress sizes without giving height is as pointless as quoting bra cup sizes without also giving the band measurement.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2020 20:08

Dress sizes are useless though.

LunaMuffinTop · 01/08/2020 20:10

You goaded him in to giving you the answer that you knew he was going to say and now your upset because you didn’t like the answer maybe next time don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the answer. The only person wrong in all of this is you.

SoulofanAggron · 01/08/2020 20:11

If you're a size 8-10 no way should he be saying this. Maybe you've put on a few lbs over lockdown but a lot of people have, or not been as active and not as toned, but it still wasn't good of him to say.

You're clearly one of the many of us that sometimes struggles with body image etc and he shouldn't exacerbate that.

At your weight and with your degree of concern about it, he could cause/exacerbate eating disorder symptoms.

It definitely won't help him get a shag, as if you're anything like me (I'm a size 8-10 but have had a variety of eating disorder symptoms over my life) I need a lot of encouragement to be naked in front of anyone.

GisAFag · 01/08/2020 20:12

Feel for your DH, poor soul gave an honest answer and now you want strangers to tell you he was wrong. It's the same if you asked him DH am I black and he replies yes and you are.. FFS

NaNaNaNaNaNaBaNaNa · 01/08/2020 20:13

Maybe what you actually need to ask your husband is whether he still finds you attractive as you are right now? Because that seems to be your main concern about your weight, but you are currently putting words into his mouth.

Let's be honest though, lockdown podge seems to be affecting 90% of the population right now... Or at least all of the people I know... Confused

Thurmanmurman · 01/08/2020 20:15

Well you did ask! Do you want him to lie?

Hedgehog44 · 01/08/2020 20:16

Would you rather he lied to you? You asked him, he answered. If you are an 8-10 then a 'new' stomach is probably much more obvious than on someone bigger.

maddiemookins16mum · 01/08/2020 20:17

Fgs, you practically forced him to say it.

Twillow · 01/08/2020 20:26

Eh?
You think you have gained weight.
You persistently asked your husband about this.
Initially he tried to be tactful but you kept asking.
He then agreed with you.
YABVU.
Fine to be hurt but not by him, YOU have put on the weight so now you decide whether it bothers YOU or not.

Floppyflopflop · 01/08/2020 20:30

You shouldn’t ask a question you don’t want to hear the answer to.

DNAshelicase · 01/08/2020 20:31

I hate to be married to you, push him g DH or an answer and kick off when it isn’t the answer you want.

CrazyToast · 01/08/2020 20:34

I disagree with everyone saying 'you asked him'.

If you are a size 8-10 you are nowhere near fat.

His response seemed critical considering how slim you actually are. Look at what he has said...

started to notice over the past few weeks
you don't exercise or anything do you".
you are getting fat".
it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm a mum.
He's always said he probably wouldn't fancy me if I "got fat"

These aren't the words of a man panicking cos he is put on the spot. This is a lot of stuff which he says he has been thinking for a while. And it isn't even honesty--at an 8-10 you clearly arent fat. He is judging your body and letting you know it isnt good enough for him.

So yes you do have a right to be upset and annoyed. I hope you wont allow this to slide.

crimsonlake · 01/08/2020 20:35

Do not ask if you wont like the answer...and you did repeatedly so you can hardly complain now.

EndlessUserName · 01/08/2020 20:38

@SharyBobbins I literally could have posted this, the exact same happened with my dp last week. I'm a size 10 and yes I do need to lose half a stone. I came to the conclusion that the truth hurts!

DianaT1969 · 01/08/2020 20:39

People saying 8-10 isn't fat. She may be small build. She may have been a 6 before lockdown. It isn't the point. She asked him. He answered. She's capable of posting on MN, so she's capable of looking up nutritional information and exercise classes if she's so inclined.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 01/08/2020 20:40

You asked, he’s answered honestly as per your wish and now you think he’s BU Hmm

Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to know the truth.

EndlessUserName · 01/08/2020 20:41

And people saying size 10 isn't fat need a reality check! You can want to loose weight at any size. At a size 12 I'm almost overweight personally! I think sometimes we have lost sight of what a healthy weight is, now that the 'normal' / average weight is overweight in the UK.

2bazookas · 01/08/2020 20:41

He sounds like an honest, patient and tolerant man. Please don't take advantage of that, he doesn't deserve your silliness.

heartsonacake · 01/08/2020 20:41

YABU. You can’t tell him to speak honestly and then be upset at him for doing so just because you don’t like the answer. That’s really manipulative.

iMatter · 01/08/2020 20:45

You pushed him into it

Do you really not do any exercise?!

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