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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband just told me I'm fat

199 replies

SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:05

Yesterday I (briefly) wore a very tight fitting vest top. I noticed that I had a tummy in it, the kind I might usually get after eating too much but it's definitely a bit of weight gain, not bloat. I asked my husband if I had a tummy in it and he said yes, that it was a "lock down stomach" that he had started to notice over the past few weeks. Tonight after it came up again I asked him to be honest and tell me what he was really thinking as he was skirting around it saying things like "you don't exercise or anything do you". I said to him just tell me what you really think and he literally said "you are getting fat". I said I'd never openly say something so hurtful to him and that it's just my "mum tum". He said it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm a mum. I don't know how to handle this. My confidence is shit any way. The only thing I've ever felt was okay about me is my figure. I'm a size 8-10. He's always commented on how much he likes my size and when I asked if he would still be attracted to me if I put on weight he didn't answer. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
ChristmasinJune · 01/08/2020 19:30

@SharyBobbins

The comments about me pushing him to answer are fair, and I'm sure he would say the same. I think what stings is how tactless he was. Like he could have said "you're still slim but you have put a bit of weight on your tummy"??
But he did try to hedge round it in a tactful way at first and you kept pushing.

You don't actually sound like you are fat btw just out on a few lockdown pounds.

Loveworlds1 · 01/08/2020 19:32

You asked for his honest opinion what did you want him to do sugarcoat it. He could of chose his words better but size 8 to 10 I'd be very happy!!!! I'm the fatty here at 12 to 14 after 2 c sections xx

Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 19:32

I've thanked everyone for their comments and said up thread that I am being unreasonable to why do you feel the need to pile on with comments like "grow up" @fairlyplump??

OP posts:
SuitedandBooted · 01/08/2020 19:33

So;
You have gained weight (as you said yourself).
You were wearing a very tight top which made it even more obvious.
You pushed ( and pushed) him to be truthful.

Your AIBU really is " Why didn't he find a tactful way to lie tell me?". He didn't, probably because you caught him at the wrong moment.

This is a complete non-event. Calm down and move on.

Jenasaurus · 01/08/2020 19:33

I think the only sad bit of this is this part when I asked if he would still be attracted to me if I put on weight he didn't answer. I'm gutted.

For him to say youre getting fat when you pushed him to tell you what he honestly thought, is fair enough, he said what he thought, but for him to imply by not responding or reassuring you when you asked if he wouldnt be attracted to you if you put on weight, is harsh. If you are a size 8-10 then you are hardly obese.

YouokHun · 01/08/2020 19:34

You pushed him for an opinion and you got it. But if you make his opinion (Or anyone else’s) the hook on which you hang your self-esteem you’re in big trouble. Actually it doesn’t matter what he thinks, it matters what you think of you. So if you think ‘I’ve put on a bit of weight’ You can decide whether you do something to change it or not. Your value doesn’t go up if he says something positive, it doesn’t go down if he says something you interpret as negative. So way include him in your self assessment? Neither is your value negatively correlated with your weight (your value doesn’t go up as your weight goes down).

peanutsandpinenuts · 01/08/2020 19:37

I get it. It can be hard to hear what someone really thinks but you did ask for the truth. And so he told you.

A size 8 to 10 isn't big, you probably know this yourself. But if you are really bothered do something about it.

Abitouting · 01/08/2020 19:37

OP. I get it. I'm sure if you asked a friend they wouldn't have said "you are getting fat". He hasn't BU but yes it could have been said better.

Inkpaperstars · 01/08/2020 19:37

Height has nothing to do with it. If you have told us your actual weight we would need to factor in height, but dress size already does that. A 5ft size 8 is the same slimness as a 5'10 size 8. So forget that. There are people on here who think if you tall you can be a slim size 18 but if you are small you can be a chubby size 8, it doesn't make sense to me.

The fact people are missing is that you are not getting fat, you are just not as thin as you were. If you are still a size 10, especially leaning
8, you are not getting fat.

People will say most men would prefer their wives not put on a lot of weight, and that is true. But most men who feel that way would certainly not be noticing or bothered by a bit of weight gain that leaves you still a 10! You are clearly still slim and nowhere near the type of weight that would cause most men to even think about it. Sorry but your husband sounds a bit extreme.

There was actually a study that showed men two photos of various women (each women was made to look heavier in one pic) and mixed in among them photos of their partner also made to be heavier in one pic. It was shown that men noticed a weight gain in other women while not noticing the same weight gain in their partner.

SunshineCake · 01/08/2020 19:39

@SharyBobbins

The comments about me pushing him to answer are fair, and I'm sure he would say the same. I think what stings is how tactless he was. Like he could have said "you're still slim but you have put a bit of weight on your tummy"??
Why do you need him to say that? If you're an 8-10 you know you aren't fat Hmm.
Bateshotel · 01/08/2020 19:41

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Bateshotel · 01/08/2020 19:41

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Inkpaperstars · 01/08/2020 19:43

I also think that the silence when you asked if he would still find you attractive at a higher weight is a nasty response. It's not like you were saying you'd decided to choose morbid obesity. He could very easily have said that while he probably has a preference for you being slim he is sure you would always be attractive....thus hedging his bets a bit. What is he going to do if you have surgery or illness that affects your appearance....sit in silence when you need reassurance?

Louise91417 · 01/08/2020 19:45

I asked my mum if im getting fat..my mum happens to be a brutally honest person..so i no longer ask my mum and tend to ask my 2 faced friends who tell me what i want to hearHmm

BubblyBarbara · 01/08/2020 19:48

Tonight after it came up again I asked him to be honest

I don’t know if you’re fat or not but you are an idiot

GeorginaTheGiant · 01/08/2020 19:49

@Inkpaperstars but surely proportions come into it? A size ten pair of trousers are a certain width. At 5’10 that width could be slender in promotion to my height. At 4’11 it wouldn’t be! Sorry but you can’t convince me that a five foot tall person who is a size 16 isn’t more overweight than a six foot tall person who is a 16. I have a friend who is 4’10 and a size six. I am a full foot taller than her and if I was a size six I would look emaciated. She looks slim but in proportion. Of course height matters in this discussion!

SinkGirl · 01/08/2020 19:49

I’m surprised by the responses you’re getting OP. Because it’s not honest is it? Because she’s not “getting fat” if she’s a size 8-10. Nobody who’s a size 8-10 is fat, tummy or no.

OP, I used to be your size and smaller. Then hormone treatments made me gain weight, I’ve really struggled to lose it and since my twins were born my metabolism has just plummeted. I’m a size 14 now and feel huge but my DH would never say this to me.

You were asking for reassurance, you’d have to be an idiot to not understand that. Based on his other comments I think he knows exactly what he’s doing and it’s not nice.

terracottapot · 01/08/2020 19:51

Height has nothing to do with it. If you had told us your actual weight we would need to factor in height, but dress size already does that. A 5ft size 8 is the same slimness as a 5'10" size 8.

Hahahahahaha!!!!

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 01/08/2020 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggBoxes · 01/08/2020 19:54

The only thing I've ever felt was okay about me is my figure. I'm a size 8-10. He's always commented on how much he likes my size and when I asked if he would still be attracted to me if I put on weight he didn't answer. I'm gutted.

Flowers I think when you asked, "am I fat?" you were really asking, "do you still love me?".

S111n20 · 01/08/2020 19:55

Own it haha wish I was a 8-10. Don’t worry about it!!

Inkpaperstars · 01/08/2020 19:59

Well, yes @GeorginaTheGiant I can see your point when you put it like that, but I think that is more to do with how people appear than how overweight or not they actually are, if you see what I mean.

Surely dress size already adjusts for height/weight ratio to some extent, so it is more like Bmi that weight. We can't say the same Bmi is less overweight on a taller woman, but you could find they look less 'round' at that bmi.

Original poster
SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 20:00

Once again, thanks all for taking the time to respond to me. I came on here to ask if I was being unreasonable, and accepted that I was. So for people still to be calling me things like "idiot" and commenting that I acted "like a dick" is unnecessary. It's not like I'm not taking on board the comments or refusing to accept fault is it?

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 01/08/2020 20:00

If you are taller than average and a size 8/10 then that sounds fine. Ditch the tight tops, keep your weight as it is, factor in a bit of exercise, and don't ask goady questions.

GalaxyGirl24 · 01/08/2020 20:01

I get a lot of people's views here re you asked for an honest answer and got it BUT...

OP is a size 8/10! That would be considered quite slim by most standards, so even if she was a size 6 when they first met I would hardly say he is justified in saying she is getting 'fat'!

Also if I asked my husband this, or vice Versa, I might expect an answer like: Well, you have gained some weight but clearly you're aware of it and if you want support to get fitter together let's do it - rather than a blunt 'yes you're getting fat' which could massively knock someone's confidence and make them feel unwanted and resentful!

I would be very angry if my husband called me fat to be honest. Much kinder ways to say it, and if you can treat your partner kindly and support them to make changes why wouldn't you!

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