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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband just told me I'm fat

199 replies

SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 18:05

Yesterday I (briefly) wore a very tight fitting vest top. I noticed that I had a tummy in it, the kind I might usually get after eating too much but it's definitely a bit of weight gain, not bloat. I asked my husband if I had a tummy in it and he said yes, that it was a "lock down stomach" that he had started to notice over the past few weeks. Tonight after it came up again I asked him to be honest and tell me what he was really thinking as he was skirting around it saying things like "you don't exercise or anything do you". I said to him just tell me what you really think and he literally said "you are getting fat". I said I'd never openly say something so hurtful to him and that it's just my "mum tum". He said it's nothing to do with the fact that I'm a mum. I don't know how to handle this. My confidence is shit any way. The only thing I've ever felt was okay about me is my figure. I'm a size 8-10. He's always commented on how much he likes my size and when I asked if he would still be attracted to me if I put on weight he didn't answer. I'm gutted.

OP posts:

BeeTrees · 01/08/2020 19:06

For all the people who said the OP asked him to be honest, that’s not the point. It’s the fact that he thinks she’s fat and isn’t attracted to her. I am 5stone heavier than when we got together and my DH tells me that I’m still beautiful, he still finds me attractive, but if I want he,p with loosing weight that’s fine but will still happily open a packet of crisps for me if I ask. That’s the difference, he still loves me no matter what medication has done to my body.

So OP, of my DH said that to me it would be huge and I would seriously have to think if I could stay with someone so shallow. What if I had a disfiguring accident etc?

Goatinthegarden · 01/08/2020 19:07

We all fancy what we fancy...if that changes, your partner cannot help if they still find that attractive. Your husband has always been honest and told you that he will only fancy you when slim, so your option is to grow a thicker skin and not care what he thinks, or lose the extra lockdown lbs.

If you ask someone for an honest answer, don’t get upset when they give it to you. We all need to stop getting so emotional over the word ’fat’. We should be able to chat to our partners (the people we choose to share our whole lives with) about them taking care of their bodies, whether they are eating too much/not enough, exercising, smoking, drinking too much, etc.

Sabine123 · 01/08/2020 19:08

Grow up ! How fucking ridiculous !! He is your husband you are not in a playground !! Slap him and have a shag !

Couchbettato · 01/08/2020 19:09

OP, I think you pushed him into it. I also think he could have said that he'd rather not say because it feels like you've backed him into a corner and nothing he says is going to be right.

But I also think he could have told you he'd love you no matter what. People's bodies change. His has changed as you've said. But that love should be there forever.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 01/08/2020 19:10

Oh FGS- he was trying t be tactful and you kept on persisting until he sid something that now youre huffy about.

I'm sorry but just own it- you have put weight on. Its fine, it doesnt make you bad or evil, it happens to all of us at times. Dont ask people to be honest about stuff if you arent ready to hear the answer- it comes across as childish and petulant.

RednaxelasLunch · 01/08/2020 19:10

Fucks sake we're all getting fat in lockdown. Who gives a shit. Just stop eating crap and do exercise. I've lost 1st in 6 weeks.

Be grateful your DH is honest with you. Would you rather he lied and said you weren't getting fat?!

GeorginaTheGiant · 01/08/2020 19:11

[quote formerbabe]@GeorginaTheGiant

What about the term 'dad bod'? Or is it just mum tum which bothers you?[/quote]
Dad bod is just the same. I don’t believe that being a parent of either gender is a reason to be overweight long term if you don’t want to be. Sorry if that view offends you.

The term mum tum was used in an earlier post which is why I commented on it. I don’t think you can be a certain weight after giving birth, put on weight as a result of eating too much during lockdown, and then call it a mum tum without it sounding like you’re trying to avoid taking responsibility for your own weight.

Whether the OP is actually overweight or not though is another matter and not one that anyone on this thread apart from the OP herself can reliably comment on.

MikeUniformMike · 01/08/2020 19:13

To those saying that size 8/10 is not fat, it probably isn't but if she is well below average height and slight then it could be.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 01/08/2020 19:14

You're a size 8-10 you know you're not fat. If I kept on at my husband he may have said yes you're fat, or yep you're huge, because he was sick of me asking but not being happy with the answer and because it absolutely wasn't true. He made a joke about picking me up on our wedding night and that he could feel the amount of wedding cake I'd eaten. I was very slim who knew it was a joke and commented back that any trouble lifting me was more due to his allergy to any form of exercise. We're a couple we joke with each other, it's ok.
Sadly I am no longer a size 8-10 so he wouldn't say anything of the sort because he'd know it might actually hurt my feelings now. Maybe he thinks you're fishing for compliments or is just sick of the topic where at some point if you kept discussing it you were likely to be offended.

AgeLikeWine · 01/08/2020 19:16

You pushed and goaded him into saying you looked fat and then you got pissed off when he finally said it. You were spoiling for an argument, weren’t you?

YABU

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2020 19:18

He didn't say OP IS fat. He said she is GETTING fat.
Which is correct if you are gaining weight...

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 01/08/2020 19:20

The issue isn't that you asked. The issue is that you asked and asked until you got an answer that I suspect you knew/are insecure about and then you got hurt and pissy.

You were looking for reassurance not honesty.

I think you'd be better off focusing on the real issue here... that you suffer from low self esteem and that the only thing you like about yourself is your figure. That is not healthy, and possibly unsustainable long term(as you get older,have more kids etc) .

Coldspringharbour · 01/08/2020 19:20

You asked him what he thought. He was honest. Poor bloke can’t win either way. You can’t be mad at him for giving an honest answer. He clearly tried to skirt around the issue but you pushed him.

AnnaSW1 · 01/08/2020 19:20

I think you shouldn't have asked him

LandingSpace · 01/08/2020 19:21

If anyone thinks size 8 is fat they need their head examined. Not even including the poster who is suggesting diet regimes. And not in sarcasm either!

Anyway, it seems like quite a lot of posters on MN are complete twerps.

AIBU should be renamed AIBAM? (Am I Being a Moron?) or AIBAJ (a Jerk?) Or ATATPOTWIMOPS (Are there any twat posters out there with Moronic Opinions?)

Beautiful3 · 01/08/2020 19:21

You asked him repeatedly and he answered honestly. You're slim so it won't take you long to burn off those extra pounds.

BluebellForest836 · 01/08/2020 19:22

You forced him to say it. It’s your own fault for pushing so much.

Original poster

SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 19:22

Thanks again for all your comments. We've had a brief chat about it and he said I'm not getting fat "all over" but my stomach and bum/top of legs are getting bigger.
Thanks for the links to apps etc

OP posts:

kikidee2015 · 01/08/2020 19:22

Ask yourself what you really wanted from the question. Reassurance that he still finds you attractive? or someone to actually give you a reality check on weight gain? I have looked back on some previous photos and felt a bit resentful that no-one close to me told me that I was getting a bit porky (sometimes it's difficult to know yourself if you are just a bit heavier or actually fat). People can worry that they are going to be too blunt and leave someone with an eating disorder or alternatively say everything is fine when clearly there has been significant weight gain and it might not be fine for all sorts of reasons. It's an absolute minefield and you're expecting your husband to be able to pick up on what the correct thing to say is? if you're going to get so easily offended and take it to heart then I'm sure he'll learn his lesson and come out with the correct platitude next time. But it will be meaningless.

UnaCorda · 01/08/2020 19:23

Tonight after it came up again I asked him to be honest and tell me what he was really thinking as he was skirting around it saying things like "you don't exercise or anything do you". I said to him just tell me what you really think and he literally said "you are getting fat". I said I'd never openly say something so hurtful to him and that it's just my "mum tum".

You asked him to be honest and to say what he was really thinking, but then didn't like the answer. What exactly could he have said in this situation that wouldn't have upset you? Surely he only had a choice between either a) lying or b) telling you he thought you'd put on some weight?

Original poster

SharyBobbins · 01/08/2020 19:24

I'm slightly taller than average height for those who mentioned it

OP posts:

Rosebel · 01/08/2020 19:25

I agree you did ask him. He wasn't tactful but you said tell me what you really think. However the fact he didn't answer when you asked if he'd still fancy you if you gained weight is a bit shit on his part. That makes him seem shallow but you know if that's true or not.

Amber0685 · 01/08/2020 19:27

Why did you ask him? Because you had noticed it? You asked him to be honest, prefer a lie?

fairlyplump · 01/08/2020 19:28

You set him up and now your feeling sorry for yourself, grow up !

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/08/2020 19:30

You asked him for his honest opinion. You know you’ve put on weight.
Your choice now is to not mention it again or lose weight, I suppose.
It’s not the end of the world x

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