Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

@yomommasmomma

You go and DP stays at home with your baby.

Baby is EBF and never been away from me.

@SandMason

If you sit in the back next to baby you can lean over and stick a boob in her mouth if she fusses. Not the most comfortable of feeds but it avoids having to stop.

@SandMason sorry but this really made me laugh. Who even does this? And how is it even safely possible!

I'd rather just stop.

you can’t tell people you can’t be fucked to put yourself out for their birthday without them being hurt.

I'd defy anyone to travel for 1.5 hours each way in a hot car with a screaming, hungry baby and then be fucked to attend a party and pretend to be enjoying themselves.

Just an idea , could you get a cheap hotel room near by the night before , express for one feed so you can go 3.30-5 and then get back and drive home or stay that night whichever suits?

@oopsiedaisy2

Just an idea , could you get a cheap hotel room near by the night before , express for one feed so you can go 3.30-5 and then get back and drive home or stay that night whichever suits?

@oopsiedaisy2 I think In normal circumstances I'd do this, but we've been in lockdown for moths so we've never stayed anywhere with DC. We're not even used to going places really. Not sure how comfortable I'd feel in the middle of a pandemic saying in a hotel.

@Doradays fair enough . I think something like a premier inn with your own travel cot is fine. They're taking extra measures to open safely and assuming you are leaving the house now I don't suppose it's any more risky but it's a total personal thing I was just thinking of a way you could go - I have to also add if any "friend" had messaged me like your friend did they wouldn't be a friend anymore anyway.

Everyone saying YABU obviously had easy babies who would sleep in cars, prams, etc. And perhaps would sleep at night so they'd not be too exhausted for a 3-hour round trip. I can't think of anything I'd have wanted to or been able to do less when my baby was four months.

Your friend is an arse, it's just a birthday.

Can't you go with the baby, or go alone and leave DP with baby?

"I've never, been away from my baby.
These aren't normal times are they.
Absolutely no way am I leaving her just to attend a garden party."

This says it all really. I get your point but I get your friend's too. Her 30th is as important to her as your baby is to you. You obviously don't consider her celebration worth you making the effort, so don't go. End of.

[quote oopsiedaisy2]@Doradays fair enough . I think something like a premier inn with your own travel cot is fine. They're taking extra measures to open safely and assuming you are leaving the house now I don't suppose it's any more risky but it's a total personal thing I was just thinking of a way you could go - I have to also add if any "friend" had messaged me like your friend did they wouldn't be a friend anymore anyway. [/quote]
@oopsiedaisy2

I was really upset by her message, I couldn't decide if it was called for!

You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone if you get invited to something and you decline. Just a ‘sorry can’t make it’, or add ‘we already have plans’ if you must. Quite liberating not to get tangled up in this bullshit. It’s your decision, not hers.

Yes. "Sorry, that doesn't work for us. Hope to see you another time!" Every single one of my friends or I in this situation would say "Oh well, I'll be sad not to see you but I understand." If someone tried to make me feel guilty, they wouldn't be my friend for long. We've all got our own shit going on, and sometimes it's just not the right time.
In your circumstances I would go for a wedding, but not a birthday.

Not rtft so apologies if this has already been mentioned.

Leave home at 13:30, get you there in plenty of time. Babies sleep in the car a lot so chances are she will be well rested for the party.

You say she doesn't have a set bed time. You could stay until 5:30/6, then home for 7:30/8.

From her perspective it really doesn't seem impossible for you to make the trip with the baby.

Yes, it's a lengthy car ride but not excessive.

It comes down to how much she means to you. If you cherish her friendship then you'll go. If you don't, then you won't, but don't expect to be offended when she calls you out. Fwiw I think you are being unreasonable.

I feel you OP, my child was a nightmare 4 monther, bedtime was hell and she never EVER slept in the car, ever. Didn't until 14 months. Some babies just don't. A journey like that for half a day would be a disaster - motorway pull overs, boob hanging in her mouth with me contorted across the car seat - we had it all. It's not worth it.

So all this oh she will sleep in the pram or car just deal with it, doesn't take in to account your predicament. Babies are all different and at that age mine was not party or car friendly. Happy to now say she is extremely portable and we do all sorts, travel cot upstairs and monitor on at various parties and it's great!

If you really want to go then perhaps a local hotel or bnb would be a compromise but if you simply can't/don't want to go then don't.

Don't expect your friend to understand - people are precious about parties and you shouldn't have to cause yourself stress about it. You know deep down whether you really are going to go and what your baby can cope with at this age. It doesn't make you inflexible or a bad friend - just unfortunate timing xxx

You're not local and you have a very young baby. I can't believe the reply she gave you. I would retreat from her. I don't think she's a true friend. A real friend would respect your decision, not stamp her foot.

I have good friends without children, if I couldn't make an occasion for whatever reason they would never put pressure on and make me feel bad, ever! We just make arrangements for something that suits us both.

Christ... “stay in a hotel”, “1.5 hours isn’t a long car journey”, “your baby will definitely sleep in the car”.

OPs baby was born at the beginning of lockdown and she has barely taken her anywhere. Even if this was her best friend in the entire world who she cherished dearly, she is not being unreasonable for wanting to slowly start doing things on her own terms at her own pace.

My son was an easy baby at that age and he wasn’t born in a pandemic. But this would have been a big fat no from me. He was EBF so no way I’d be leaving him (refused a bottle!) and no way I’d want to do a three hour round trip with him to watch other people get pissed for a couple of hours.

None of my friends, parents or not, would even question it if I said “logistics don’t work with the baby, catch you next time”.

She sounds like a dick, ignore her. Also ignore all the posters who had different circumstances to you and made different choices - if it's too much for you then it's too much. Nobody should be telling you you are unreasonable! It's a birthday party for adults in a pandemic. You will be better off without people like her in your life, maybe have a ponder about why you put up with her previously.
Well done for getting this far having a new baby in these crazy times, I promise the sleep will get better

YANBU OP.
I also think this is very baby dependent as some 4mos will sleep in the car and be calm & happy at the party while others will scream blue murder the entire car ride, not settle, be too distracted to feed etc. etc.
If you feel you, DP and little one will be stressed and miserable the whole time, it won't be fun for anyone, including your friend.
I do think her not having kids is a big factor here as it's hard to understand the reluctance to get a babysitter and the fact you don't want to (possibly can't) give formula or expressed milk for a day.
Give her time to calm down as she may feel upset in general about not being able to spend as much time with you and perhaps make it up to her with a meal out in the future when baby's routine is more predictable and you feel more up for it.
Don't feel guilty, people should be working around you when you have such a young baby & she should really be more understanding.
The silver lining is that you must mean a lot to her if she is genuinely upset you can't make it.

Haven't RTFT but shocked at all the YABU responses.

I'm sorry, but my experience of having a breastfed 4 month old must be vastly different to the people giving those responses. And if it doesn't seem reasonable for the OP, or for her baby, in their own unique situation then that is what matters. It wouldn't have been ok for me.

3 hour round car trip? To a piss up in a garden? During a pandemic? With a 4 MONTH OLD BABY? And she speaks to you like that and YOU'RE the unreasonable one??

Sorry OP, having a baby is one of those things where you find out who your friends are and, unfortunately, she isn't one.

Move on, enjoy your baby and don't look back.

You know what, OP, you have every right to make this decision - your baby comes first and there will be lots of time later on to celebrate once you can leave her more easily. 4 months is still very young. YADNBU!
If your friend is going to stay a friend, she needs to accept that she can't come first for you. No guilt! Right decision IMO xx

Can’t believe all the replies saying YABU.

YANBU. You’re not obliged to go, your reason for not attending is fair (and your business) and you’ve said you’d like to do something else to celebrate with her. It’s out of order for her to send such a rude, whiny, demanding message.

Entitled much?

Understood 👍 If your baby won't take a bottle and your friend won't let your baby attend, then there is no way you can go and if your "friend" can't understand that then she is either very very stupid of so self obsessed she doesn't care. Either way just block her and move on with life.

Her response is awful. No one should be speaking to a friend like that.

All my friends dropped off the face of the earth for about 6 months when they had their first baby. I think it's totally normal.

Don't go! Geez, it's not a bleedin' court summons.

Don't go! Geez, it's not a bleedin' court summons.

Exactly!

YANBU

It's easy for people to offer solutions, but they can only do so based on their own experiences and what their babies were like. I had no choice but to go to a family gathering when DS1 was about 4 months and it was awful. I spent most of my time pacing up and down outside because he wouldn't stop crying. I had already said this was likely, but no-one really understood my child's capacity for endless screaming. And then I had to put up with a never ending stream of people popping out to offer their advice, based on babies who actually liked to sleep from time to time, weren't screaming with reflux or wanting to be fed every fecking minute of the fecking day. He always arrived everywhere in a stinking mood because he hated the car. He's 12 now though and boy does he like to sleep.

I think your friend is being unreasonable - and stroppy and self obsessed.