Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

I just wouldn't go.

I think that your friend's reply to you was rude and indicates that she is a spoilt brat. She sounds very self-absorbed.

They start to die 🤣🤣🤣

I hate it when people say you should compromise when what they mean is you should do what they want. You have offered a compromise in spending the whole day with her another time. Her response has been rude and demanding.

Well, we all start to die from the moment we are born 💫

Her response is self centred and rude to the point I'd probably just drop her.

Although I would go. Baby will sleep in the car on the way. Put in buggy at 7.30

Leave at 8.30. Dream feed. Bed.

Enjoy a long afternoon in her garden.

She was rude but you are just making excuses not to go. It's not a long way to go with a four month old feed her before you go I'm sure she will last 1.5 hours. I wouldn't have sent my friend that response but I would be pissed off because the reality is you can't be bothered

From cot to rot

So she sent you that message and then what? Did you reply or try to call her? I'm wondering how you know she isn't talking to you.

I actually think you are both being reasonable.

You could go to her party. It might be a bit more of an effort because you have a baby but you could go (you said you'd go to a wedding) and you are choosing not to. Honestly that's fine. It is also fine for her to be honest in calling you out on that and good on her for being honest about it.

If you have said to her Look I can't leave her as I am EBF and I'm concerned you don't want any children there and she is still being shitty then just forget about her. If she says she would rather you be there even with child then you make the decision of whether to go or not but it might impact the friendship.

She sounds like a pain in the arse, but 4 months old in my experience are very portable. If I wanted to, 1.5 hours isn't far and the baby would sleep in a wrap/pushchair if needed when there.

@Time2change2

The funny thing is- how your friend is being with no children and not having a clue- when you get to 3 kids and you read someone being precious about one baby you think it’s equally ridiculous!

Ha! Yep. I must admit there's part of that going on in my response.

But seriously, we knew that with our families far away, we were going to have to get on with it and established from day 1 that we would get on with journeys as normally as possible, even with the PFB, as well as when we had more than one.

I think you need to own your decision. Yes it doesn't sound fun travelling with the baby for a couple of hours at a party (I get that I travelled for 5 hours for a wedding with 6 week old twins, not great!) but if you really wanted to go, you would. So just accept that, apologise, send her a nice present and leave her to lick her wounds. If you want to stay friends you can wait and see what comes out the other side.

However it does sound like you're frustrated by other aspects of her behaviour and maybe the friendship has run its course? Starting a family can be a catalyst for ending friendships where you'd started to outgrow each other anyway.

Can your baby not go to sleep in the car on the way back?

@MiddleClassProblem

Well, we all start to die from the moment we are born 💫

Middle has got it. Stick this in her birthday card op! "Happy 30th, every day you're nearer to death xxx"

Love how do many people on this thread assume that OPs baby will just sleep at this random party, and settle easily, and allow her to keep an eye on her other child... Bloody ridiculous.

I wouldn’t have been able to take two of my three children at four months old. They would have screamed for the entire car journey (there and back) then screamed and boobed for the entire evening.

Bravo for those of you with easy babies who toss them in a buggy and they have a lovely nap. If you’ve got a screamer you just can’t!

If the friendship is only 2 years old I’d let it fade away and be glad you’ve dodged her company. If she’s this rude now she’s not worth keeping in touch with.

Tbh, considering we’re all still dealing with an ongoing pandemic, should you really be going to a party and taking a small baby. Plus, who knows what restrictions are going to be like at the time so the party may end up having to be cancelled anyway.

To be honest this situation has played out for generations and its a normal rite of passage when one person has a baby and another doesn't. I don't think either of you is really wrong but you're both being a bit stubborn about it.

You're probably being a bit precious about the baby's sleep, although I don't blame you because its natural for a new mum. The reality is if it were that important you'd just crack on and do it for her. She's also being very ungracious and selfish in her response.

It's very difficult for a new mum to be anything other than obsessed with their baby and to be a bit controlling about what happens to it. And its normal for childless people to find these tedious and limiting.

I would let this go, not escalate it and maybe pick up with her in a couple of weeks and just say you're sorry it didn't work out but would love to see her. Maybe she won't react for a bit. That way you leave the door open. You may well find in five years time she's in exactly the same situation and will understand.

Don't take it too personally, just put it down to the huge generational change that babies bring between friends.

eggofmantumbi, people have different experiences and different levels of tolerance when it comes to inconvenience: some of us have travelled a lot, both by car and on public transport, with unsettled children, sometimes because we've had to (dying grandparent), sometimes because we've wanted to be part of something.

so it's not just about "my baby was angelic at all times and so will yours"

I still don't think the OP should be bullied into going, though. Her friend doesn't sound worth it and the occasion doesn't sound worth t and no one will suffer if she doesn't go.

There is no way I’d make a 3 or more hour round trip at that time of day with a 4 month old. I would have found it too stressful. If it was earlier in the day then that’d be ok but not in the afternoon. I never had one of those babies that you could just take anywhere. They cried, grizzled, didn’t like the car seat if awake etc.

I also disagree that you’re being precious. Just because other parents would choose to go through the strain, doesn’t make you precious.

she sounds self obsessed-my sister would say somethng like that-she has no idea how much a baby disrupts your life

How unbelievably rude!! It is perfectly fine to travel with a 4mth old and a three hour round trip is not that much. However, with everything else going on, I wouldn't blame anyone for not wishing to travel/mingle (esp with a young baby). She is utterly clueless about what it entails. She does sort of have a point about you travelling to meet up with her another time instead. It will still involve a long journey etc. But she has been so rude and obnoxious to you and completely up her own backside that she is no friend of yours! Reply if you wish, but only to tell her how rude she is before blocking her.

At 4 months DS was still not sleeping any more than 2/3 hours at a stretch.

He'd only fall asleep being fed.

I was absolutely exhausted and only just holding it together despite DH doing as much as he could.

The idea of an adult party (where I'd spend a huge amount of time feeding) just wouldn't have been on my list of priorities - even without the 3 hour plus round trip and the risk of mingling in the midst of Covid.

I think many people just don't understand how exhausting a young baby can be if they are not parents or even when they are if they're been lucky enough to be blessed with a baby that's a good sleeper.

So no YANBU OP.

It's a ridiculously monumental effort to make for 3 hours in less than ideal circumstances/times.

In your place I'd just let your friend have her tantrum and not engage further.

A few years down the line if she has a baby herself I'd like to think she's embarrassed about her behaviour towards you.

@Babs709

Baffled by a lot of these responses. You are invited to event; event doesn’t work for you; you decline. What’s the issue?! When did we move to a world where you have to go to every social event all the time? You don’t even need a legitimate reason not to go IMO... “not wanting to” is sufficient enough.

“But if she’s your friend you should make the effort”.... bullshit. Friendship works both ways and a birthday isn’t a reason to have the rest of the world revolve around you. Your presence shouldn’t make or break her birthday celebrations.

Yes. This.

This was really confusing to me. I read your post, her reply, and thought what's the big fricken deal? If she was your BFF you'd have made the effort. You didn't, so she can't be. And now she's spat the dummy and shown you're in totally different places at the moment. So, friendship on hiatus. I wouldn't be rude, you never know, maybe she will have her own fussy 4 month old one day and get back to you.

Good luck and don't stress!

It's an invitation not a summons. You're old enough to make your own decisions and don't have to justify yourself to anyone. You say you've only known her for 2 years so it's not like she's a lifelong friend or family member. Her response was rude and you now have the opportunity to walk away .