Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

Better off without her.
I wouldn’t be leaving my breast fed baby that long.

sorry but this really made me laugh. Who even does this? And how is it even safely possible!

I have. You sit in the middle of the backseat. I’ve done so with my seatbelt on, leaning over the car seat with my boob out. Often during traffic jams heading up to Newcastle from Oxfordshire. There also wasn’t always a place to simply stop nor would I expect my husband to pull over so I can nurse since I’m not driving nor blocking his view of his mirrors. It already took us almost 6 hours to drive up not including traffic and stopping every time just to nurse would extend it to 8+. It’s better than having my husband distracted by a crying baby as he’s driving.

Your not being unreasonable at all, and your friend is being mean and rude. At the end of the day, you are a new mum. I don’t blame you not wanting to leave the baby and plenty of other people wouldn’t either, especially if you are exclusively breast feeding and probably still getting into the swing of things. It’s only a party at the end of the day! Personally I wouldn’t expect a friend to travel that far with a new baby and I would be glad of the suggestion of a day out just to spend some time with you! Don’t mind her, you have enough on your plate with out your friend being a brat!!!

YANBU

we are in a bloody pandemic. Your friend is nuts.

Your friend is unreasonable

@phoenixrosehere

sorry but this really made me laugh. Who even does this? And how is it even safely possible!

I have. You sit in the middle of the backseat. I’ve done so with my seatbelt on, leaning over the car seat with my boob out. Often during traffic jams heading up to Newcastle from Oxfordshire. There also wasn’t always a place to simply stop nor would I expect my husband to pull over so I can nurse since I’m not driving nor blocking his view of his mirrors. It already took us almost 6 hours to drive up not including traffic and stopping every time just to nurse would extend it to 8+. It’s better than having my husband distracted by a crying baby as he’s driving.

I just don't even see how I could position my boob to get into her mouth in the car seat!!Guess I will have to try!

Why is she so desperate for you to be there, she must have other people going? Also, is she not aware there is a global pandemic? Why would you want to mix with people at this time anyway - there's bigger things going on than her silly get together, people have cancelled their weddings!

You say you've only known her for two years so let the friendship go, I wouldn't appreciate being guilt tripped like this.

You really don’t have to try this.

And I would 100% expect my husband (presumably the father of the child who wants feeding) to pull over so that I could comfortably and safely feed his child. For Christ sake.

What hoover said. An invite is just that.. an invite. Not a demand. She's being utterly unreasonable expecting you to leave a 4 month old breastfed baby for a birthday party, which is out of town and slap bang in the middle of the day. Not one factor which would make it difficult but many. She seems extremely selfish and up herself. Utter nonsense!

You are making excuses though..

Friends are supposed to be fun, kind, supportive, interesting. Don't have to be all of those, but at least one would be good!
This woman doesn't seem to be any of these so just let her think she has had the last word and dropped you.

days makes a good point, why is she so desperate for you to attend? Most reasonable people understand that not everyone can accept their invitations, she sounds like a petulant five year old who wants all her 'besties' at her birthday party. We are hosting a family lunch later today, not all our immediate family can attend - fair enough - people have things to do, other commitments or may just not feel comfortable meeting up at the moment. I really don't mind and certainly am not quizzing them on their reasons for not attending.

She's an idiot.

The fact you have a 4 month old is reason enough.

Anyone that can't see that must be thick.

I'm sorry not I think you are being very unreasonable. Your life shouldn't stop because you have a baby. You could look on the positive, get a babysitter, and enjoy some time to yourself. Alternatively take the baby. It's not a long drive. I can't believe you have to leave early to get the baby to bed. Why? Stay out late and enjoy yourself and let the baby sleep in a pushchair (or similar) for once!

Or leave your baby with your partner and go to your friend's party on your own!

Alternatively take the baby. It's not a long drive.

It's been made clear that the baby is not really welcome at the party.

I just don't even see how I could position my boob to get into her mouth in the car seat

It must surely depend on, ahem, what shape you are there whether you can manage this. Not much good if you're an AA. And I imagine you'd end up with the worst backache ever . It's not enough that you have what is practically a newborn, you're tired, sleep-deprived, probably still hormonal and getting used to parenthood, now you've also got to book in your trip to the chiropractor for when you strain your back doing this.

Look, I'm sure the OP could probably find a way to manage. But it does sound like hell on earth. What if it's a scorching hot day like Friday was? They'd spent the whole time worried about the baby overheating in the car seat. Who would want their friend to have a horrendous time just to attend their birthday party?

Or leave your baby with your partner and go to your friend's party on your own!
The baby is breastfed, the partner doesn't have lactating nipples.

And for your previous post, not all babies sleep in cars or prams or out and about. What aren't people getting about this? Lots of people's lives do stop, or rather pause, when they have babies because lots of babies are miniature bellends who can't just be merrily toted to parties and the pub. Nice if you get an easy, portable one; lots of us don't.

It's awkward now as she's not speaking to me

Actually that sounds perfect. Solves the problem and you don't have to take any more of her twattery! A BF 4 month on a 3 hour drive in one day and a party, I'd rather stay at home but that's just me. If she can't understand that later on, when baby is a bit older you could meet 1/2 way then perhaps she's not a true friend.

Please don't try breastfeeding your baby in their car seat in a moving car! You never know when you might have an accident and if you're feeding your baby and your car crashes, you will crush your baby! Not to mention the additional danger to you not sitting in your seat and wearing your seat belt properly.

thecarseatlady.com/no-nursing-while-the-car-is-moving/

My son absolutely hated the car (until he was around 2ish and could be distracted with a tablet), so an "easy" 1.5 hour journey could take 2 or more! In my opinion, it's not worth it for a garden party that you're not that bothered where your baby isn't even welcome

What kind of friend would get arsey with and give the silent treatment to a friend who has a 4 month old, is breast feeding and can't face a min 4 hour round trip?! Why are you friends with this person? She sounds horrible.

Your friendship sounds all one way. Her way. Cut your losses and her. You will make new, local friends when you can start going to playgroups who empathise and understand!

Also, fwiw even if you did decide to make the journey (seriously - don't) babies shouldn't be strapped in a car seat for long periods (assuming they are sleepers not shriekers) as the position they sit in is not natural for them. You are totally right to factor in extra time to take them out and stretch them out!

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/9-car-seat-factsheet-2019-09-09-1.pdf

She’s being ridiculous. DS is 1 and I wouldn’t do that with him now for the sake of 2 hours in someone’s garden. Where he’s clearly not welcome. Don’t spend a second feeling guilty and just crack on with your life.

And how wonderful for those whose babies would sleep in the push chair / car seat. Mine would have screamed relentlessly from about 6pm onwards, which would have went down a dream with the precious birthday girl.

Don't worry about the friend. You won't enjoy the occasion now anyway but do reply something to her so it is not you that has cut her off. Also mention virus has made everyone more cautious -even though it's in garden.

Birthday girl is unreasonable to throw her toys out the pram.
But OP is unreasonable to be so precious.

It wouldn't have ocurred to me to say nonto a 1.5 hour car journey when mine were little.

Dc1 at 4 months we went on holiday to the Canaries.
Dc2 we went to France, with a just turned 2 year old. I'd taken the train 5 hours and 3 changes on my own when dc2 was 6 weeks old to visit family.
Dc3 we went to France again.

I didn't panic about if they needed feeding or wouldn't settle. I just problem solved those things as they came along. Otherwise you miss too much.

@Doradays
I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just being honesty about our current circumstances, we're in the 4 month sleep regression and trying to settle at the minute is only working if baby is latched onto my boob. Second she goes down she's screaming.
Are you not taking your boobs with you?
I do think yabu and that basically you'd have been better off being honest and saying you just cba going!

You're making excuses.

I had a lo with awful colic. However there were significant occasions and we still attended.

The event was always going to be a 90 minute drive away. And staying 3 hours was always going to be a possibility. The only thing that has changed is your inflexibility.