Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

@Meganplays

I wouldn’t have been able to take two of my three children at four months old. They would have screamed for the entire car journey (there and back) then screamed and boobed for the entire evening.

Bravo for those of you with easy babies who toss them in a buggy and they have a lovely nap. If you’ve got a screamer you just can’t!

If the friendship is only 2 years old I’d let it fade away and be glad you’ve dodged her company. If she’s this rude now she’s not worth keeping in touch with.

Yep. If I even tried to settle her in the pram she'd just scream and would only settle with boob.

I also think babies born in/ around lockdown are generally a bit less comfortable on long journeys in car/ around lots of people for obvious reasons.

I wouldn't have gone when my baby was 4 months old, and I would expect my friend to understand, not send a manipulative guilt-trippy horrible text like that. That would put me off the whole friendship.

Yeah that’s the thing. I wouldn’t go but my friends would also be nice about it. Rather than send a stroppy text.

Easier going with a baby that age than a toddler...

Your friend is unreasonable- she sounds like a brat.

And a 3 hour round trip for a short visit is ridiculous n

Easier going with a baby that age than a toddler...

If you have an easy baby usually, but OP does not.

You can perfectly well travel with a 4m old baby and keep her up past her ‘bedtime’ IF you want to.

But if you don’t want to then you probably don’t feel strongly about the friendship and that’s the reason for not going, not that it’s impossible with the baby.

I do think it is wise to not live your life fully around the baby and do a little bit of getting the baby to fit into your life. Will be easier in the long run.

You could go for 3.30 and leave at 6.30 having already fed the baby. Baby will sleep in the car and you’ll all be in home by 8.
You could go, you can’t be arsed, she’s hurt and reacting accordingly.

This 100% there are no reasons that you have given op that are true problems. If you don't want to go then say so and deal with any fallout.

It's the baby will sleep in the car that makes me laugh 🤦‍♀️

@eggofmantumbi

It's the baby will sleep in the car that makes me laugh 🤦‍♀️

I know. We've never done a long journey. Most is probably around 30 minutes, I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to pull over as DC is hysterical in the back of the car. Even if DH is driving and I'm in the back she gets upset.

Don’t go OP it’s not worth the stress. We didn’t go further than 10minutes away for nearly a year!

The right sling will solve everything. You can latch baby on, pull up the head cover and work away. She’ll be settled, feeding/asleep on you - it’s literally all she needs. If anyone asks just drape your pashmina over and say no I didn’t bring the baby I don’t know what you’re talking about I recommend Tula free to grow.

@doradays I blame lockdown. My first was pretty good up to about an hour in the cast at this age and would fall asleep.
This poor baby (born on the first day of lockdown) has been in the car maybe 5-8 times since birth. She hates the car seat. Yes in the future we'll have to deal with that, but I wouldn't do it for the situation you described and I'd expect more understanding from a friend.

Different situation but my friendship group met up in a pub garden last week, that they never would've chosen otherwise, were it not for the fact that by choosing that place, I could pop in for an hour as I'm the only one with a baby.

This gives me flashbacks of taking my 10 week old along with her 4 year old sister to an afternoon birthday BBQ. It was an hour away and I thought it was the right thing to do as a friend
Said baby was a BF bottle refuser who really embraced the witching hours cliche 4pm- bedtime
We arrived around 2 had a nice hour then predictably I spent the rest of the time with baby attached to my boob trying to avoid strained conversation with family members I don’t know. Food wasn’t ready until 6 which was later than I’d planned to leave but my poor older child was too hungry to just leave.
It was horrendous and the friendship has fizzled out since.
Sometimes you need to decide if it’s really worth it.. I should have just sent the card and gift. The fact you have suggested another treat together and she is still annoyed would be decision made for me.

If you sit in the back next to baby you can lean over and stick a boob in her mouth if she fusses. Not the most comfortable of feeds but it avoids having to stop.

Sorry I haven’t RTFT but here is something I have learned in the past few years which has made this sort of thing much easier OP.....

You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone if you get invited to something and you decline. Just a ‘sorry can’t make it’, or add ‘we already have plans’ if you must. Quite liberating not to get tangled up in this bullshit. It’s your decision, not hers.

She is an idiot and she is rude. I wouldn’t be responding at all to her text or to her at all in future. What an inconsiderate lemon.

SIBVVU. She doesn't want the baby to come. So you either have to:

• Leave the baby at home for 3+ hours travel time, plus the time you're actually at the party. Impossible since baby is breastfed.

• Take baby and hand baby over to a babysitter at the party location? How would this even work? What if it's raining? Where will baby and babysitter hang out?

I have plenty of presently childfree friends and, although some (but by no means all) of them are a bit clueless about the logistics of small children, none of them have been anything but lovely and understanding when the problems have been pointed out - even if it's just accepting my regrets for not being able to attend gracefully!

*I cant beleive you are getting grief on here....
**your friend is no friend.....not in a million years would I be going to a pissup in a garden 1.5hrs away at the moment...whats the chances of everyone social distancing..

and even without that no way would i have done a 3 hr round trip with a 4mth year old baby....*

I agree with this. I do see how your friend might be disappointed but to express it the way she has is just bitchy.

Agree with Basin, you don't have to justify why you are declining the invitation and your 'friend'' sounds incredibly rude in her response to you. I wouldn't even respond now. I have politely turned down many invitations to weddings, parties Etc over the years and no one has ever 'challenged' me on my decision. Likewise guests have turned down invitations to events I have organised and I just accept that not everyone wants to come to every event. In fact for a big birthday party I had allowed for several 'no thanks' but in the end only one person didn't attend and it was a bit too crowded .

You go and DP stays at home with your baby.

Which is fine, but you can’t tell people you can’t be fucked to put yourself out for their birthday without them being hurt.

"Can't be fucked to put yourself out" is not what is happening here, The OP has her reasons for not wanting to go, reasons which are entirely reasonable, even if people disagree with them.

I don’t this YABU at all. My DS is just 1 and I wouldn’t have done that when he was 4 months old

@yomommasmomma

You go and DP stays at home with your baby.

With his lactating nipples? 🙄