Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

Unfortunately breastfeeding is shit for things like this. Does the baby take a bottle? If not I'd probably just make the effort and go with the baby and your husband. It's probably not going to be a pleasant day but it wont do anyone any harm and will show you want to make an effort...if you want to keep her as a friend. Though her reply to you suggests shes not too bothered

@HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear

Drunk 30th revellers with half vaccinated sleep regression baby in the middle. What a great idea. She's not a friend. A friend would have said "in gutted you can't make it, babies are tough at this age. Can't wait to see you soon though when we can catch up properly",

Is she just annoyed her numbers will be down so she'll look less popular?
At least you haven't done what lots would and often do, say they'll go knowing fine well they won't then text on the day or just not turn up.

Don't stress this nonsense op. You'll lose and gain friends along the way. Enjoy your baby.

Exactly my thoughts. It's not going to be a "family" afternoon. It's a piss up and her saying bring the baby was probably to make up numbers.

@User7312019

YABU if you really wanted to go you would and your friend can see that. It’s not difficult to travel with 4 month olds at all and you could even go and leave your baby with your partner.

Baby is breastfed.

If it was a good friend of make the effort. At 4 months they’re more potable than when they start crawling or walking. I also don’t understand why you’d have to make multiple stops for a 90 min journey.
But she’s definitely unreasonable to sulk as a result.

For a good friend, I'd go, and seriously consider staying in a hotel. But as she's been so rude, I'm not sure I would!

But I wouldn't leave a 4 month old with a baby sitter, no way.

I wouldn’t be travelling 3 hours with a four month old either for an adults birthday party. Wedding I would make an exception for.

I’d certainly be declining any group invite currently given the virus and how do you get a sitter anyway when social distancing is still in place?

She is being unreasonable asking you to get a babysitter but the rest shouldn't really be an issue. 1.5 hour drive may possibly need one stop but i would only stop if baby needed something in the moment. If valued the friendship then i would take the baby and go, see how the party pans out and leave when you feel the time is ready. My first was a really hard baby sleepwise but I would just hold her if i couldn't put her down anywhere if it was a problem.

Her reply to you would be enough for me to call it a day on our friendship. She sounds about 14.

The friendship shouldn't hinge on whether or not you want to go to her 30th birthday party. It's ok not to go to a party, if your friend can't forgive this that's her affair.

It sounds quite do-able to me to attend but if that's not what you want to do I think it's fair enough not to go.

Baby will fall asleep in the car on the journey back. Have her in her onesie ready for boobs and straight to bed when you get home.

You really wont need several stops on in 1.5 hr journey.

Don't let a baby’s bedtime rule your life. Occasional breaks in routine are good practice.

But she sounds very blinkered in her thinking. Her response is really telling and i dont think id bother With heR again.

@StampMc

I'm more considering that we may have to make several stops so can't plan on it being a simple 1.5hr journey

Why do you have to make several stops?

I just think even within a straight run it's a 3 hour round trip and it seems a long way for a 3 hour stay.hmm

Which is the crux of it. She’s not worth a 1.5 hour drive. Which is fine, but you can’t tell people you can’t be fucked to put yourself out for their birthday without them being hurt. If it was an overnight stay or 8 hour round trip I could see it but “sorry, your birthday isn’t worth 90 min in the car” is hurtful. It’s less than the length of a film. I’d drive that to meet someone for a 20min coffee if I liked them and valued their friendship. You should have made a plausible excuse rather than said you didn’t think it was worth the bother.

I'm just considering all possibilities. Baby is breastfed and feeds on demand so when she wants to feed she feeds. Or perhaps she might not settle in the car and we have to stop to soothe her.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to allow extra time for a journey with a 4 month old.

I'm not going to make up an excuse to not to.

She doesn't want children there she's told us all that! The ones who are taking kids (2 of her friends) are popping in for an hour to "show their faces" and leaving They live local.

When you don't have kids it is really hard to understand why you can't just leave them, that they start to die if you're not around to bf
They start to die?

Ah op. Mine's a breastfeed screetcher. Doesn't sleep in car, buggy, basket etc and oh the joy at that age if the routine was changed.
What you've suggested is fine.
Just don't post pictures on the day of the party of you 3 hrs away in a beer garden or something.

A 1 1/2 hour journey for a good friend is not extreme, you could stay for a few hours.

You are both being unreasonable.

1.5 hour drive is really not that far.
My parents live 2 hours plus if traffic at Dartford is bad and I would regularly travel up on my own with the baby from 4 weeks old onwards. (Couldn't be earlier as I had c section for each birth).
There were a few times that I would leave home at 8am, stay for a few hours then leave at about 1ish to be home in time for older one to come home from school. It is just a car journey and the baby will most likely fall asleep and not be bothered in the slightest.
Just be honest and admit this is mostly pfb syndrome and you don't want to go to the party anyway.

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB

Baby will fall asleep in the car on the journey back. Have her in her onesie ready for boobs and straight to bed when you get home.

You really wont need several stops on in 1.5 hr journey.

Don't let a baby’s bedtime rule your life. Occasional breaks in routine are good practice.

But she sounds very blinkered in her thinking. Her response is really telling and i dont think id bother With heR again.

Not all do. This baby I have currently just howls. They've had plenty of days out but howling for that long in a car is not something I'd revel in. We've tried lots of different things. Still doesn't sleep in car or buggy

@HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear

Ah op. Mine's a breastfeed screetcher. Doesn't sleep in car, buggy, basket etc and oh the joy at that age if the routine was changed. What you've suggested is fine. Just don't post pictures on the day of the party of you 3 hrs away in a beer garden or something.

Oh imagine!!

A one and a half hour journey, OMG how on earth would you cope ? Jeez oh honey it is not that far ! My youngest had his first flight at 6 weeks, from the airport to the house was longer than an house and a half. Just be honest and tell her you can't be arsed.

You sound like you’re making excuses to be honest.

1.30hr journey is fine with a 4 month old and there’s no reason you have to be back at a reasonable time so leave early.
Baby can nap while your there or sleep on the way back even if you stayed til 9pm or later.

The party sounds completely reasonable and do able.

@balloonsintrees

1.5 hour drive is really not that far. My parents live 2 hours plus if traffic at Dartford is bad and I would regularly travel up on my own with the baby from 4 weeks old onwards. (Couldn't be earlier as I had c section for each birth). There were a few times that I would leave home at 8am, stay for a few hours then leave at about 1ish to be home in time for older one to come home from school. It is just a car journey and the baby will most likely fall asleep and not be bothered in the slightest. Just be honest and admit this is mostly pfb syndrome and you don't want to go to the party anyway.

@balloonsintrees

I had to google pfb syndrome and this is what came up -

Pseudofolliculitis barbae (PFB) is a chronic inflammatory disorder of follicular and perifollicular skin characterized by papules, pustules, and post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I then saw a second post about first borns!

I think the fact you are looking for problems and excuses now means you're not that into the friendship.

And her response to you means that neither is she.

No way back from this one I would say. Cut your losses and move on!

Ps I'm a mum of toddler and EBF baby, and I am a stickler for routines... what would have happened in my mind is that I'd mentally complain about the long journey, forsee potential problems, stress about them a bit, but still go. May not have the best of times (inwardly, outwardly I'd be happy and sociable. And maybe I would have had fun) and may be knackered after the effort both physical and mental that it took... but I would have gone and have been glad to show up for a friend. But that's a good friend, not one that asked me early on to leave baby at home. So, to conclude, your friendship isnt a great one.

At 4 months they’re more potable

You can't drink babies at any age!

@BluebellForest836

You sound like you’re making excuses to be honest.

1.30hr journey is fine with a 4 month old and there’s no reason you have to be back at a reasonable time so leave early.
Baby can nap while your there or sleep on the way back even if you stayed til 9pm or later.

The party sounds completely reasonable and do able.

I guess I don't really want to go, but it's more the case that she's expressed her wishes of not having children there.

The people who are going with kids aren't staying long, and in all honesty I don't want to drive a 3 hour round trip just to to pop.

An alternative idea is you and partner go with the baby and stay in a cheap travel lodge or similar nearby? Might be a lovely enjoyable break and with breast feeding, you won't have to take much stuff with you.

@Duggeeismysaviour

I think the fact you are looking for problems and excuses now means you're not that into the friendship.

And her response to you means that neither is she.

No way back from this one I would say. Cut your losses and move on!

Ps I'm a mum of toddler and EBF baby, and I am a stickler for routines... what would have happened in my mind is that I'd mentally complain about the long journey, forsee potential problems, stress about them a bit, but still go. May not have the best of times (inwardly, outwardly I'd be happy and sociable. And maybe I would have had fun) and may be knackered after the effort both physical and mental that it took... but I would have gone and have been glad to show up for a friend. But that's a good friend, not one that asked me early on to leave baby at home. So, to conclude, your friendship isnt a great one.

Sadly I agree about the friendship.

I have been thinking about this for a while.

I think it's pretty obvious isn't it.😕