Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

[vintageyoda]

Your friend's behaving like a spoilt brat. Who gives a monkeys if it is her 30th. So what? Jesus, people are so entitled.

[Brefugee]

having now RTFT to be honest you are both being U. You should have said "thanks for the invitation, sorry we can't come."
And she should have said "oh sorry to hear that, see you another time"

you don't need excuses, you never have to give reasons, and it's not unreasonable for anyone to decline an invitation at any time.

I think people have lost the art of declining invitations and i think people have lost the art of accepting a "no"

(but you are being a wee bit PFB which is understandable)

[Brefugee]

the bedtime is a red herring though - a 4 month old baby having one interrupted day/night schedule is neither here nor there. 1.5 hours in the car? my babies both either screamed for the entire journey and then fell asleep 2 minutes from destination or slept the entire journey and screamed for the entirety of whatever it was we were going to.

So what you really have to decide is how much do you value the friendship? How much of a loss will it be if your friend drops you? 30th birthdays are pretty special for a lot of people and I'm guessing that pre covid-19 she had wanted something different, and has spent the last few months wondering how she was going to be able to celebrate. One little bit of effort on your part could make a great difference to your friendship and her day.

(also you could express and leave the baby at home with your DH)

[gamerchick]

@PrincessHoneysuckle

Hrtft could you go alone and dp look after baby feeding it breastmilk from bottle?

Have you ever tried expressing?

Then there's the added problem with what to do while there with rock hard boobs leaking all over. I mean you can just go and pump directly into the bog if you can get the let down and risk soaking your clothes, but who would choose to do that if they didn't have to?

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

Hrtft could you go alone and dp look after baby feeding it breastmilk from bottle?

[OneStepAheadOfTheToddler]

Her 30th is as important to her as your baby is to you.

Right, so you're totally justified in neglecting/starving your baby so you can attend her party . In fact, YWBU not to.

Or you could just agree that her party's not as important to you as your baby's (entirely reasonable) needs and your baby's needs are not as important to her as her party...So you'll each be focusing on what is most important to you.

[ddl1]

'Her 30th is as important to her as your baby is to you.'

And THAT on its own would make me dubious about being someone's friend. To treat 'one's 30th' as being as important as a baby (or any human being who depends on one) would be, shows such a fucked-up sense of priorities that I just wouldn't want to spend time around them.

Especially as the 'friend' has apparently been stroppy on other occasions as well. If it were only the one occasion, it might possibly be partly attributable to the stress of lockdown and being excessively desperate to meet people after 4 months of isolation,; but if it's a pattern, then it's fairly unpleasant

[TJ17]

@LilyR2019

You say "we" have a 4 month old" so I'm guessing this means you are in a relationship?.... so, could your partner not mind the baby whist you attend the party if, as you say, the baby cannot be left with a sitter?

Children might be your normal - which is fine.... and this may come as a surprise to you - not everybody cares for children & that's perfectly OK, not wanting to be around children is a valid choice, it doesn't require your friend to justify her stance or change the rules simply to suit you.

I'm a smoker, but this doesn't mean I expect to smoke in a friends home as they might not like smoking & it would be inconsiderate of me to expect somebody to be disadvantaged/inconvenienced because of my choices?.... and we are all entitled to our own choices without expecting our "normal" to be accepted by other people.

If this is a childfree event, then go without your baby or don't go - but don't get all salty & irritable about it, because it was your choice to have a baby, not your friend's choice & it is her party, so her rules?...

After a friend attended my childfree wedding with her out of control 4 year old (she didn't ask - she just brought him) I think you need to respect the friend's wishes, and not get arsey because you think you should be able to do exactly as you please.

You are definitely TA - it's not your birthday

Can you even read?

[BlokeNumber9]

Ffs it's a party. How old is she? 13?

[User50000999788887876655]

Yanbu at all more because of COVID ect. I wouldn’t take a you g baby to be around that many people. In normal circumstances I’d say just go 4 months is very young and they are very transportable ect at that age, she is unreasonable to expect you to leave your 4 month old with a baby sitter that’s very young!

[gamerchick]

@Iwantalonglie

Do not of the people who say YABU, leave baby with partner, think it is unreasonable to leave a 4 month old baby without food and crying with hunger for hours, i.e. child neglect? Amazing!

Usually people with not a single clue about the logistics of breastfeeding

[Iwantalonglie]

Do not of the people who say YABU, leave baby with partner, think it is unreasonable to leave a 4 month old baby without food and crying with hunger for hours, i.e. child neglect? Amazing!

[ddl1]

'If this is a childfree event, then go without your baby or don't go'

I would agree with that But that's not the issue here. The OP would be quite happy not to go; but the 'friend' can't tolerate that, and is making a big fuss about the OP 'not making the effort' to attend her party, and refuses to meet her later on in an alternative meeting, unless she attends the party.

It isn't that the OP is insisting on bringing the baby along, and the 'friend' wants a child-free occasion - I agree the friend has that right..
It's that the 'friend' is insisting that the OP MUST attend her birthday party, and having a tantrum about her failure to do so. In fact, it seems that she would grudgingly allow her to bring the baby but both the type of occasion, and the amount of travel, make the OP rightly uneasy about doing so, with an exclusively breast-fed baby, brought up so far under lockdown conditions which mean that she's very unaccustomed to travel or meeting people.

'could your partner not mind the baby whist you attend the party if, as you say, the baby cannot be left with a sitter?'

Under the circumstances, he wouldn't just have to mind her but to breastfeed her. Not, I think, a possibility!

[LilyR2019]

You say "we" have a 4 month old" so I'm guessing this means you are in a relationship?.... so, could your partner not mind the baby whist you attend the party if, as you say, the baby cannot be left with a sitter?

Children might be your normal - which is fine.... and this may come as a surprise to you - not everybody cares for children & that's perfectly OK, not wanting to be around children is a valid choice, it doesn't require your friend to justify her stance or change the rules simply to suit you.

I'm a smoker, but this doesn't mean I expect to smoke in a friends home as they might not like smoking & it would be inconsiderate of me to expect somebody to be disadvantaged/inconvenienced because of my choices?.... and we are all entitled to our own choices without expecting our "normal" to be accepted by other people.

If this is a childfree event, then go without your baby or don't go - but don't get all salty & irritable about it, because it was your choice to have a baby, not your friend's choice & it is her party, so her rules?...

After a friend attended my childfree wedding with her out of control 4 year old (she didn't ask - she just brought him) I think you need to respect the friend's wishes, and not get arsey because you think you should be able to do exactly as you please.

You are definitely TA - it's not your birthday

[TJ17]

Personally don't think it's a friendship worth saving the way she reacted to you not coming. The fact she even asked you not to bring your 4 month old in the first place would be enough for me to not want to be friends with someone like that anyway. It's not just a dog!

[AliceinBunnyland]

It's clear there are people on both sides here OP and I stick by my initial view that you are both being reasonable so it's now up to you to decide whether or not you try to save this friendship.

It's very easy, when you are annoyed with a friend, to see all of the negative and think there have always been issues but no one is perfect.

[Notfeelinggreattoday]

My own 30th my mum threw garden party at hers 2 hrs away my baby was 5 weeks old and breastfed we managed , i think if you really want to then you find ways . But if your not that bothered and with current circumstances i can fully understand why , (and reAlly she isn't allowed a party of more than 6 )
It is a way to go to just pop in and im
Confused as if baby is even welcome ? Which if not as you breastfeed makes it impossible for you to go really , if you can take baby then there are ways if you want but ultimately its your choice and you don't have to go , you are allowed to turn down an invite and as you suggested spending time with her n an alternate date i think you have been reasonable

[MuddlingMackem]

I haven't yet read all of the posts but just want to say that these situations depend so much on the temperament of the baby.

With DC1 it would have been a nice trip out, DH would have walked him round in his pram for an hour or two whilst I was there and we would have tootled off home around tea time.

DC2 - not a hope in hell. Cluster fed from around 2pm until sleep any time from 10pm, screamed for anything everything, and nothing. Just no, wouldn't have even considered it.

You have to weigh up your particular circumstances and plan accordingly, and if friends can't deal with that well, that's their problem. You'll come out the other side at some point, it's up to them whether they're there to welcome you or they've buggered off.

[HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear]

Don't be baffled op. People like to harp on about travels to the moon with their 2 month old and how it was no problem.
I'm with you. It's crazy to think you're unreasonable. My first was a car sleeper. This baby seems to think it's a challenge to stay awake. FOMO maybe? Lock down baby? Who knows. Also bottle refuser so my child free friends who say just give them a bottle and go out I gently humour, the difference is they're not demanding or rude, just want me to have fun.
This friend of yours seems to be neither interested in your or baby's comfort. Selfish. But many are, child free or those with magic sleep anywhere cruisy babies. It's hard to grasp that others have a different type of child.

You'll be ok op.

[TJ17]

@Doradays please ignore the people saying you are precious, don't bother replying to them.

I wouldn't want to leave my 4 month old with a sitter either but the fact most of the idiots on here are missing the fact you are breastfeeding makes it even worse 🙄

It's not really the point of whether it's possible to go or not anyway, the point is your "friend" doesn't even seem worth going for!

You are deffo not in the wrong here and please don't let anyone who would just leave their 4 month old breastfed child for the first time with some random "sitter" tell you that you don't know what you are doing!

[ddl1]

'A 1.5 hour journey isn't pulling out all the stops to attend a party. Op doesn't have to go, equally the friend doesn't have to be her friend any more.'

Neither does the OP need to be the other person's friend any more; and I rather hope that she won't be! A person who has a tantrum over someone not accepting a PARTY invitation (especially in a pandemic; especially someone with a small baby; but even it were just a question of not liking parties!), and who places parties in general, or her own in particular, above everyday friendship, is not really much of a friend IMO. If it were a matter of travelling that distance to support a friend at a funeral, or at most times to visit a friend in hospital (I realize that's not currently possible), or to help them with a task that they find difficult, that would be a different matter. If the OP had basically said, 'goodbye, I haven't got time for you any more now I've got a baby' and refused all possible meetings for the next 3 years, that would also be another matter. But if nothing will do except attending her party at the time SHE has set, then I think it's not real friendship. And maybe the OP is lucky that it came up sooner rather than later.

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

A 1.5 hour journey isn't pulling out all the stops to attend a party. Op doesn't have to go, equally the friend doesn't have to be her friend any more.

[ddl1]

'I think it is important to be thoughtful and supportive of your friends in the aftermath of having a baby'

I would agree, provided that both mother and baby are healthy. However, being 'thoughtful and supportive' doesn't mean sacrificing everything to attend a PARTY. Support means staying in touch in general and giving help where it's needed - not obeying a summons to a party. If a friend considers that to be the case, then IMO they're not much of a friend. What I find by far the most offensive in the case is the 'friend' saying, almost in so many words: 'If you cannot pull all the stops out to attend my PARTY, then I'm not interested in making any effort to see you in any alternative way!' Basically, she either has a very superficial view of friendship - that it's only about having fun at parties (perhaps a pardonable attitude at 18; not at 30 IMO); or she is a 'birthday princess' who can't forgive anyone for putting anything, even their own small baby, above her precious birthday! Frankly she is acting more like a jealous older sibling, who resents her parents' attention to the baby, than like a grown-up friend. Even if the OP was being a bit precious about her baby (I don't think she is), such a reaction from the friend would not be excusable IMO. I can understand the friend being a bit disappointed, especially if not many people are going to be at the party (which would be the case if she's obeying the law); but not her acting as though a birthday party is more important than staying in touch on a regular basis.

[ddl1]

Well, it has ended for tens of thousands of people in this country. For most of us, it hasn't' but it does make organizing and attending parties much more difficult than usual. Especially for people who live at a distance (even with no baby, how do you go to the loo, for example?) And if there are more than six people from different households at the party, you could in theory all get into trouble with the police.

[BlackeyedSusan]

we used to joke that all we needed to add to the car was the flashing blue lights as we had the constant wail from the back sorted.

Some kids travel well, some don't. It was a revelation when number two came and travelled well. so much easier. not stopping every couple of miles to comfort a distressed child.

they would not be left either.