Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

It sounds as though she has completely overreacted. If a friend spoke to me that way I wouldn't be able to move past it or have the same level of friendship with them again.

Even if you did now go, you'd resent it, it would be awkward and there would be another issue in the future. This friendship is done!

No way would I be going to a garden party with a baby at the moment. But regardless of COVID, she invited you and you've said it isn't convenient. End of!

Also, as another poster said- babies should be in car seats for 30 minutes before having a break due to the position of them. So you would need to stop both ways.

@londonscalling

I'm sorry not I think you are being very unreasonable. Your life shouldn't stop because you have a baby. You could look on the positive, get a babysitter, and enjoy some time to yourself. Alternatively take the baby. It's not a long drive. I can't believe you have to leave early to get the baby to bed. Why? Stay out late and enjoy yourself and let the baby sleep in a pushchair (or similar) for once!

It baffles me that people are suggesting baby sitters. we've spent months in lockdown, I haven't ever left my baby with anyone. She wouldn't be used to that!! She's breastfed and whilst I know I could express and leave a bottle. 1 - I've never done that as I haven't had any reason to. 2- I don't want to.

I can see where you are coming from but I think YABU
I think it is important to be thoughtful and supportive of your friends in the aftermath of having a baby

@DipSwimSwoosh

Birthday girl is unreasonable to throw her toys out the pram. But OP is unreasonable to be so precious.

It wouldn't have ocurred to me to say nonto a 1.5 hour car journey when mine were little.

Dc1 at 4 months we went on holiday to the Canaries.
Dc2 we went to France, with a just turned 2 year old. I'd taken the train 5 hours and 3 changes on my own when dc2 was 6 weeks old to visit family.
Dc3 we went to France again.

I didn't panic about if they needed feeding or wouldn't settle. I just problem solved those things as they came along. Otherwise you miss too much.

I do think under normal circumstances we would've been all sorts of places by now.

But we've been in lockdown and have barely used the car. 1.5 hours might not sound like a long time for someone that it used to doing plenty of car journeys with baby, but we aren't.

She's done around 30 minutes before and there are times she will just scream and get so upset at being in the car seat.

I genuinely can't believe all the people saying op is being precious. THERE'S A GLOBAL PANDEMIC HAPPENING!!!!!

I can see her point. 1.5 hours isn't that long a drive, your baby isn't a tiny newborn and i can't see why you'd need to stop at all, let alone multiple times on each leg. I wouldn't get a sitter but if she is ok with the baby attending then yeah id have gone. Obviously you're not that close friends.

THERE'S A GLOBAL PANDEMIC HAPPENING!!!!!

Fucking hell calm down mate. We've all seen the news. The world isn't ending.

@eggofmantumbi

I genuinely can't believe all the people saying op is being precious. THERE'S A GLOBAL PANDEMIC HAPPENING!!!!!

Is there? I hadn’t noticed what with people saying it every 5 minutes

There’s a global pandemic happening! I think the large numbers of drunken parties in my area and huge amount of people I saw on northern trains yesterday suggests that many people have forgotten or don’t care.
Stay at home with your baby. It all sounds miserable and joyless driving and breastfeeding or listening to her cry. It’s such a short time where it curtails you’re life. And your friend sounds like knob to be frank.

Would people actually want to attend a party now even without a baby?
I haven't been to visit any friends since lockdown. We're doing my parents next week with us all sitting apart and no hugging.
I wouldn't want to attend a party with lots of people where I had to drive 2 hours, and it's unclear if one is allowed to enter house to use loo or if it rains?

It doesn't sound very practical right now, nor sensible due to lockdown rules.

can people sotp saying how they wernt ona hiking trip with their baby across the alps and breat fed them whilst doing it

op had a baby in lockdown they havent been anywhere that far-she doesnt want to go

@Doradays just ignore the people saying you are precious. I think a lot of people on here have/had babies who they could just lie down in a corner next to a marching band and would happily drift off to sleep! For those of us with tricky sleepers, life is a bit different!

In different circumstances I may have looked at going and staying overnight closeby with partner and baby if my husband could perhaps look after the baby while I went and enjoyed myself for a couple of hours. Mix a family night away with the birthday party. But these aren't normal times or normal circumstances and you are totally justified in your actions and your friend is being incredibly unfair, precious and childish!

It sounds to me like you are better off without her. Stand your ground and don't apologise anymore! She will probably understand one day why it was too much to expect, although she won't have the added pressure of a pandemic to contend with!

Lol at people telling me to calm down. I'm just shouting for the idiots at the back.

It is really not all roses having a baby at this time and if the OP's friend can't support her that's rubbish.

If a load of people on a forum can't even begin to contemplate that their parenting experiences might have been a bit different and are preaching to OP about how easy it is, that's annoying anyway, but the fact people don't seem to be able to understand how CV might have affected OPs parenting experiences and instead are just calling her precious is really sad I think and the reason why a lot of new mums are really struggling at the moment.

Well said @eggofmantumbi

I don't see how telling someone they are precious is constructive or helpful to the debate at all.

She's a new mum with a BF baby in the middle of a pandemic, 30th birthday parties for narcissists just aren't a priority.

I love how parents get on here and say they did this, that and the other with their baby. Well, good on you!! But not every parent is the same, just like not every baby is the same.

People would always tell me just to bundle my baby into the car, or the pram, and they’d go to sleep. Um, nope. DC would scream for as long as the journey. If you haven’t had a child like that, then you should shut your mouth!

We did four hour flights and DC would scream.
40 minute road trips and DC would scream.
20 minutes in the pram and DC would scream.

How many of you would want to deal with that??? Oh yes, but just suck it up, they’ll get to sleep, easy!!

And some parents aren’t organised or confident enough to sling their kid over their shoulder with enough provisions in their bag to last three weeks, let alone three hours, and rough it on a road trip. And that’s ok!!! Fucking hell, some people need to get their heads out of their arses long enough to get a breath of fresh air and some oxygen to their brains.

Rant over.

Oh and now I have another baby, one I can sling over my should and go on adventures with. But I’m still not going anywhere because of Covid.

@lemorella

Well said *@eggofmantumbi*

I don't see how telling someone they are precious is constructive or helpful to the debate at all.

She's a new mum with a BF baby in the middle of a pandemic, 30th birthday parties for narcissists just aren't a priority.

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 I wasn't 'pfb' and think with CV we do need to get on with it to a certain extent but totally agree. I do feel for people that have had their first (or subsequent) babies at the start of lockdown. Could be a lonely time for some I think.

we used to joke that all we needed to add to the car was the flashing blue lights as we had the constant wail from the back sorted.

Some kids travel well, some don't. It was a revelation when number two came and travelled well. so much easier. not stopping every couple of miles to comfort a distressed child.

they would not be left either.

Well, it has ended for tens of thousands of people in this country. For most of us, it hasn't' but it does make organizing and attending parties much more difficult than usual. Especially for people who live at a distance (even with no baby, how do you go to the loo, for example?) And if there are more than six people from different households at the party, you could in theory all get into trouble with the police.

'I think it is important to be thoughtful and supportive of your friends in the aftermath of having a baby'

I would agree, provided that both mother and baby are healthy. However, being 'thoughtful and supportive' doesn't mean sacrificing everything to attend a PARTY. Support means staying in touch in general and giving help where it's needed - not obeying a summons to a party. If a friend considers that to be the case, then IMO they're not much of a friend. What I find by far the most offensive in the case is the 'friend' saying, almost in so many words: 'If you cannot pull all the stops out to attend my PARTY, then I'm not interested in making any effort to see you in any alternative way!' Basically, she either has a very superficial view of friendship - that it's only about having fun at parties (perhaps a pardonable attitude at 18; not at 30 IMO); or she is a 'birthday princess' who can't forgive anyone for putting anything, even their own small baby, above her precious birthday! Frankly she is acting more like a jealous older sibling, who resents her parents' attention to the baby, than like a grown-up friend. Even if the OP was being a bit precious about her baby (I don't think she is), such a reaction from the friend would not be excusable IMO. I can understand the friend being a bit disappointed, especially if not many people are going to be at the party (which would be the case if she's obeying the law); but not her acting as though a birthday party is more important than staying in touch on a regular basis.

A 1.5 hour journey isn't pulling out all the stops to attend a party. Op doesn't have to go, equally the friend doesn't have to be her friend any more.

'A 1.5 hour journey isn't pulling out all the stops to attend a party. Op doesn't have to go, equally the friend doesn't have to be her friend any more.'

Neither does the OP need to be the other person's friend any more; and I rather hope that she won't be! A person who has a tantrum over someone not accepting a PARTY invitation (especially in a pandemic; especially someone with a small baby; but even it were just a question of not liking parties!), and who places parties in general, or her own in particular, above everyday friendship, is not really much of a friend IMO. If it were a matter of travelling that distance to support a friend at a funeral, or at most times to visit a friend in hospital (I realize that's not currently possible), or to help them with a task that they find difficult, that would be a different matter. If the OP had basically said, 'goodbye, I haven't got time for you any more now I've got a baby' and refused all possible meetings for the next 3 years, that would also be another matter. But if nothing will do except attending her party at the time SHE has set, then I think it's not real friendship. And maybe the OP is lucky that it came up sooner rather than later.

@Doradays please ignore the people saying you are precious, don't bother replying to them.

I wouldn't want to leave my 4 month old with a sitter either but the fact most of the idiots on here are missing the fact you are breastfeeding makes it even worse 🙄

It's not really the point of whether it's possible to go or not anyway, the point is your "friend" doesn't even seem worth going for!

You are deffo not in the wrong here and please don't let anyone who would just leave their 4 month old breastfed child for the first time with some random "sitter" tell you that you don't know what you are doing!

Don't be baffled op. People like to harp on about travels to the moon with their 2 month old and how it was no problem.
I'm with you. It's crazy to think you're unreasonable. My first was a car sleeper. This baby seems to think it's a challenge to stay awake. FOMO maybe? Lock down baby? Who knows. Also bottle refuser so my child free friends who say just give them a bottle and go out I gently humour, the difference is they're not demanding or rude, just want me to have fun.
This friend of yours seems to be neither interested in your or baby's comfort. Selfish. But many are, child free or those with magic sleep anywhere cruisy babies. It's hard to grasp that others have a different type of child.

You'll be ok op.

I haven't yet read all of the posts but just want to say that these situations depend so much on the temperament of the baby.

With DC1 it would have been a nice trip out, DH would have walked him round in his pram for an hour or two whilst I was there and we would have tootled off home around tea time.

DC2 - not a hope in hell. Cluster fed from around 2pm until sleep any time from 10pm, screamed for anything everything, and nothing. Just no, wouldn't have even considered it.

You have to weigh up your particular circumstances and plan accordingly, and if friends can't deal with that well, that's their problem. You'll come out the other side at some point, it's up to them whether they're there to welcome you or they've buggered off.