Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

[eatsleepread]

YABU.

[CatherinedeBourgh]

I would not want a friend who treated an invitation as a summons.

A good friend would be OK with you not going for whatever reason, even that you didn’t feel like it, and accepted an alternative which would suit you both.

A good friend would not want you to come unless you really wanted to.

[user1493413286]

Your friend is unreasonable for being so arsey but honestly if you really wanted to go then I think you’d find it wouldn’t be that tricky - baby will sleep in the car so that’s afternoon nap and then you leave at baby’s bedtime so that it doesn’t interrupt bedtime sleep. I’m at a similar stage and I think I would probably only do it for things I really wanted to go to as it is extra fuss. She possibly recognises this.

[blagaaw99]

Yanbu. Bf a baby and driving all that way and back. Sounds stressful. Baby is your priority. I think I would leave her to get back to you at some point

[BurtsBeesKnees]

Tbh op, if you don't want to go, then don't go. I'd not bother with trying to explain yourself. I think your friend is being unreasonable by getting shitty with you.

If you wanted to go, you'd go. I went to my best friends wedding with a 6 week old. It was 1.5 hrs away and I had to stop several times to feed her, both there and back. But I decided that it was worth it, so made the trip.

[ButteryPuffin]

She is being unreasonable asking you to get a babysitter but the rest shouldn't really be an issue.
Agree with this but friend has also been rude and childish over it all. Sounds like you are realising you've outgrown the friendship.

[Seracursoren]

@marns

I don't think the OP sounds PFB at all. It sounds like she has a 4 month old baby who doesn't sleep well and has the potential to scream down the whole car journey/party since shes mention multiple times the baby doesn't sleep well when the host doesn't even want a baby there in the first place. I wouldn't be going in these circumstances either.

All this does it put extra stress onto you. Why would you want to do this to yourself. She doesn't want the baby there and has no concept of a breastfed baby with the whole babysitter thing.

Most adults would just accept you cannot go but your "friend" is acting like a 6 year old.

Don't go, reduce or cut contact. What positives does she bring to your life?

[MiddleClassProblem]

This might have been said but is there anywhere near here that could be a day out for you guys and the baby? A national trust garden or such? Then you could pop in to her on the way home?

In all honesty you haven’t known her that long and she sounds like quite selfish...

[saraclara]

You're being precious. Our two sets of parents lived 1.5/2.5 hours away and we visited them with our babies from them being about a month old. Several stops for a 1.5 hour journey is ludicrous! We just went for it for the shorter journey, and only stopped once at the most for the longer one.

However, she is being incredibly rude. So I'd draw a line under it all. It sounds as though she'd resent your baby being there anyway.

[Sertchgi123]

@Sidewinder30

Well, if your reason is that you can't hack a one and a half hour drive with a 4 month old for a 3.30pm start, then she's right to assume that you don't consider her worth the hassle. It's a big birthday. You allude to a dp - you could even go alone.

So, YABU and seriously precious.

You are the friend and I claim my £5.

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I wouldn't really want to take my baby at the moment in any case with the virus going round. But forget that - she is being unreasonable - don't bother with her anymore.

[Nanny0gg]

@StampMc

If you’ve only know her for 2 years and also dislike her then don’t bother but I’m not really seeing 1.5 hours as a big deal. My commute to work takes that long and I do it every day. You could go for 3.30 and leave at 6.30 having already fed the baby. Baby will sleep in the car and you’ll all be in home by 8.
You could go, you can’t be arsed, she’s hurt and reacting accordingly.

You commute with a 4 month-old do you?

[MrsGoggings85]

@User7312019 her baby’s breastfed, not really practical to not feed him/her do half a day is it 🙄.

Your friend’s being a dick mainly for thinking you’d leave a 4 month old with a sitter - err no, and what sitter they’d need to maintain social distancing - pretty impossible with a 4 month old, it’s difficult to comprehend a lot of parenting based things when you haven't got kids yourself, but she's old enough to have some empathy and understanding.

Depending on how you lo is with the car I do think you could go though....if you really wanted to. If you feed just before you leave (there and back) there's every chance your DC would just sleep, I think at 1.5 hrs I’d be comfortable (just) without taking them out of the seat. You could leave at 6 and still be back and in bed before 9. That's fine at that age.

[Billben]

if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.

If anybody spoke to me this way, they’d be out of my life.

[burnoutbabe]

Aren't you not supposed to have a baby in a car seat for long anyway? Hence nerds for regular breaks.
If it was local and you could drive 30 mins, pop in to say hello then leave as soon as unwanted (by host) baby gets noisy, then fine.
But 2 hour plus journey both ways for an hour hello seems mad. Maybe if it was your grans 90th you'd do it? But not a friends 30th when there will be plenty more occasions to meet up.
And can she even have a party? Can you go into get house to use the loo? Or just garden only? How many other people are attending?

[Rosebel]

She is being unreasonable and childish. No way I'd be doing a 1.5 hour journey with my baby. This is my third baby too so nothing to do with PFB it's to do with the fact that it's an unreasonable request.
Even if you weren't breastfeeding who is going to babysit, especially as they'd need to stay 1 metre away. Not really practical.
I bet there will be no social distancing at the party either. Your baby might be unsettled and just cry while I bet your friend won't like.
She just sounds silly
Actually usually on MN people are saying just say no if you don't want to do something so not sure why they think you should say yes. Especially as you have a young breastfed baby and would have to travel.
I wouldn't even bother to reply unless it's to say let me know when you've grown up and we'll meet.
Sounds like it's time to let the friendship fizzle out.

[GeorgiaWeLoveYou]

You should never do something or go somewhere if you don't want to. That's your choice. However, if I was you and I valued her friendship and she's a good friend, I would have gone to her party. Yes, it may be a little difficult to travel with a 4 month old but it's not impossible; you're making the travel more complicated that it needs to be.

But, you don't want to go and you don't want to do the travel. That's your decision. Your text to decline the invite was kind and you obviously want to be friends as you suggested meeting up. She was rude and to be honest, I wouldn't be able to forgive her for her reply. A friend would not berate you for turning down an invitation and would respect your decision.

[MumW]

I might be missing the point, but, surely, this kind of event is not allowed under Covid-19 guidelines and I wouldn't want to be going for that reason alone.

[PablosHoney]

You could go, if you wanted to but you don’t want the ballache so just say that, it’s what she thinks anyway. It is a bit precious of you for the reasons stated but you have the right not to feel bothered to do it.

[averythinline]

cant beleive you are getting grief on here....
your friend is no friend.....not in a million years would I be going to a pissup in a garden 1.5hrs away at the moment...whats the chances of everyone social distancing..

and even without that no way would i have done a 3 hr round trip with a 4mth year old baby....

a couple of years is not that long a friendship really in the scheme of things.. and maybe you are just at differing stages...think would let it drift for a while.....not sure why you are so bothered about her response...she sounds like 13 not 30 ...do you think she stamped her foot as well!

enjoy your baby as much as you can and hopefully the sleep regression is shortish!

[BoomyBooms]

I don't understand at all how people think yabu. They must have forgotten what having a four month old is like, or have been blessed with easy babies! No way would I have gone to the party. My baby is older than that now and such an awful napper, we'd be paying for that party with a screaming session and a horrible night's sleep at least.

[Tinamou]

MumW I agree - this event isn't allowed under current guidelines.

[PablosHoney]

I don’t think it’s unreasonable not to be bothered to go, it sounds like a pain in the pants but just be honest. If OPs objection was the coronavirus wouldn’t she have mentioned it in her OP..

[howfarwevecome]

"Your friends with children live locally to you. We have a four month old who is exclusively breast fed and would have to do a 3 hour round trip to go to a party where you've actually said you would prefer we not bring children if possible. We wished you well for your birthday, suggested we do something else that works for all of us in the near future, and you were a complete twat in response. I hope your future friends are more forgiving of you when you have a newborn someday. Kindly fuck off."

[MrsGoggings85]

Oooh yeah @BBCONEANDTWO good point....you missed your get out of jail free card there op. Thinking about it I definitely wouldn't do it because of the Covid element. Journey/bedtimes wouldn't have bothered me as a one off. However a group event with diff households and strangers with a tiny baby with no immunity in the middle of a pandemic - no I wouldn't have been doing that. I know it's outside but you'll have people coming over forgetting themselves and coming too close - people can't resist a tiny baby. No not for me. You can't use that excuse now tho.