Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

[Doradays]

@BurtsBeesKnees

Tbh op, if you don't want to go, then don't go. I'd not bother with trying to explain yourself. I think your friend is being unreasonable by getting shitty with you.

If you wanted to go, you'd go. I went to my best friends wedding with a 6 week old. It was 1.5 hrs away and I had to stop several times to feed her, both there and back. But I decided that it was worth it, so made the trip.

I'd go for a wedding. Definitely.

[PablosHoney]

What does friend mean by ‘take our circumstances into consideration’

[Babs709]

Assuming you had your baby at the end of March OP.... also assuming you haven’t had many reasons to go anywhere since, let alone long journeys. Take baby steps building up your confidence travelling with your LO (no pun intended), it’s a big deal, breastfeeding logistics are hard, overtired babies are not fun, and none of this makes it a PFB thing 🤷🏼‍♀️ (IMO anyway!)

[StampMc]

You commute with a 4 month-old do you?

Don’t be a twat. No, but I did used to commute to my trust’s onsite nursery after mat leave finished with a 10 month old and I did used to “commute” to my parents 3 hours when heavily pregnant and then with a newborn when I needed to take my mum to her hospital appointments. Nobody is going to buy that 90 mins is a long journey and the OP shouldn’t be trying to sell it. I have total sympathy for anyone not wanting to travel even 10 minutes to a party of a person they dislike but 90 min in an afternoon with a 4 month old is not arduous and she should have come up with an actual plausible excuse. Invitations aren’t summonses but it’s polite to at least give your host good enough reason to pretend you can’t come rather than you don’t like them enough to make an effort. I don’t believe their are many friendships where “will you come to my birthday party” “no, I don’t want to” would cause no ripples at all.

[rosinavera]

And also what if the weather is bad on the day - what are you supposed to do then as you can't all traipse into her house?

[phoenixrosehere]

YANBU

You offered an alternative and I would think sharing time with 1 friend vs a group of people would be nice. She’s not going to talk to you the whole party is she?

From what you’ve said, you don’t have an easy baby so why add the additional stress to all parties involved. Plus, if your baby screams the party down and you have to leave, your friend would be upset too. She is going to be upset in some way regardless what you do so no point in going.

I wouldn’t want to stay friends with someone like that especially since you’ve not missed any of her other events. I think she is just annoyed that she has to share your attention with your baby and that your baby takes priority over her. I would hope as a friend, she would take that you have a young baby and are further away then her other friends into consideration, but unfortunately not.

My sons were easy babies but my first would nurse every two hours like clock work up until he was almost 6/7 months. If I missed a feed or two, I’d get engorged. I’d nurse him when I’d get home and then express the rest. It wasn’t until after 5 months I think that I could go without three feeds and not be in pain.

[kezziethecat]

Totally understand why you don't want to go but honestly I would feel let down if I was her. Yes it would be inconvenient for you but it clearly means a lot to her. I went to a christening a 2 hour drive away when my first was around 3 months and he did spend most of the journey crying and it was stressful but it was important to our relatives. I'm not even sure if gatherings of that size are allowed though, would you feel comfortable being around so many people with a tiny baby?

[terracottapot]

She's not a friend worth bothering with.

I'd tell her to fuck off

[OneWomanOneDog]

I resent the idea that she's being this much of a twat because she hasn't had children. I don't have children and have had very little to do with relatives/friends children, and is i invited somebody but didn't really want their kids there, of course I'd understand if the answer was sorry no can do.

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out."

Because 45 minutes is a lot more achievable than 1.5 hours.

"Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me."

1. you were suggesting equal effort not her make all the drive and you none, and 2) normal people would without question understand this and be willing to be the one who does more of the travel, conpromises on going to child friendly places etc if they want to maintain their friendship, or at least I do. I travel 6 hours eaxh way to see my best friend, she came to me for the first time in years recently because she has 3 kids and my life is just usually the more flexible one.
   
   "We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration."
   
   Her circumstances are that she just doesn't want to. Yours are that you're raising a tiny helpless dependent human. They're not remotely the same thing.
   
   "I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"
   
   As you say, they live a lot closer, their children are probably older than babies and again, why is she expecting you to make the compromises?

[Rosenspants]

Working with expectant and new parents and having had a few of my own... one of the things I’ve learnt is that there’s a real range of how parents feel about going out and about with a newborn or infant. Some are up and about, travelling and socialising really early on and others are less comfortable with it. I’m surprised at the grief OP is getting on here. I’ve never lost a friend from giving my apologies to an event if I didn’t feel up to it with a baby or any other reason. And vice versa. I did once wrap up one of my newborns, and drive them to a big end of project work event of DH’s... stayed in premier inn with grandparents to help and older child. Expressed milk and squeezed self into posh evening dress with exploding boobs. Never again. Take heart OP. She isn’t your friend. And as others have said, don’t they know there’s a pandemic on?

[Boomclaps]

@StampMc

I'm more considering that we may have to make several stops so can't plan on it being a simple 1.5hr journey

Why do you have to make several stops?

I just think even within a straight run it's a 3 hour round trip and it seems a long way for a 3 hour stay.hmm

Which is the crux of it. She’s not worth a 1.5 hour drive. Which is fine, but you can’t tell people you can’t be fucked to put yourself out for their birthday without them being hurt. If it was an overnight stay or 8 hour round trip I could see it but “sorry, your birthday isn’t worth 90 min in the car” is hurtful. It’s less than the length of a film. I’d drive that to meet someone for a 20min coffee if I liked them and valued their friendship. You should have made a plausible excuse rather than said you didn’t think it was worth the bother.

This.
I drive 38 miles to see my best friend. We live in Devon. It takes about 75 minutes. She doesn’t drive. But she still gets on two trains a bus and walks 2 miles to come to my house.)

You’ve made it clear she isn’t important- that’s that.

[LadyGAgain]

She is a dick.

If someone can't attend something/ doesn't want to attend something why should they have to justify it?

So sorry we are unable to come. I am very sad to miss celebrating your special day. Have a wonderful time and we will catch up very soon.

Justifying why you can't/don't want to go is where it opens a rabbit hole you want to avoid.

But it's done now. I wouldn't bother replying. She's not very nice is she. Cut your losses and move on.

[DarkDarkNight]

I would phase her out, she sound like hard work. It’s an invite not a summons as the popular Mums egg phrase goes. I’m a bit about adults who make such a fuss about their own birthday anyway, 1.5 hours each way is a trek to me for a few hours.

Someone in here said babies this age are portable and I think it depends on the baby. An unsettled baby isn’t portable, mine needed to be upright after feeds, he was sick a lot, he screamed through car journeys.

[OneWomanOneDog]

I drive 38 miles to see my best friend. We live in Devon. It takes about 75 minutes. She doesn’t drive. But she still gets on two trains a bus and walks 2 miles to come to my house.)

Do you do it with a 4 month old baby?

You and your best friend clearly both are willing to do the commute, happy days. Out of interest do either or both of you have children?

I drive 6 hours each way to see my best friend twice a year or so. I do maybe 4-8 to every 1 that she does because I don't have children, she does, and that's what's practical. It's not because she's telling me our friendship isn't worth her commute at all

[WhatifIfeellikeacat]

OP, the way your friend has replied to you just shows she only cares about her birthday. For that reason I wouldn't go there.
So what if it's her 30th birthday? What's so special about 30?
Even if you decide to go your relationship isn't going to be the same. After her reply you are always going to resent her.
You have a 4-months baby and she doesn't understand it then she is a twat.

[Sparrow234]

This is difficult because I get it - I EBF (and still do) a baby with severe reflux and 4 different anaphylactic allergies. Life was difficult particularly getting out and about but you could go.
You can breastfeed at your friends house - in fact, anywhere, so if baby will only settle feeding then feed them to sleep and then put them in a sling / push chair / car seat or whatever. Hold them if you need to.
You’d only need to stop once each way - your baby doesn’t NEED to feed more than every hour at 4 months. Sit in the back with DC and comfort them.
4 month sleep regression is tough - so you’re probably not getting much sleep / a good sleep routine anyway so why does one evening bedtime matter?
If DC is unsettled and screaming just say ‘I’m really sorry they’ve had enough now we will go, enjoy the rest of your evening’.
You should make an effort if you want to remain friends.

If they don’t want you to bring your baby or breastfeed it at the party or tend to their needs then they’re not going to be friends for long so just get rid.

Your DH is available to help make life less stressful.

It’s going to be stressful and a hassle for you - much like most social events from now on. Get on with it or accept you’ll annoy some Friends.

[lemorella]

Wow her response was hideous!

It's a long way to go for such a late start when you have a newborn. No way would I entertain leaving a bf baby that small behind, especially for a first time. Also if you did manage to get a baby sitter it's not like you can just nip home if it's not going well.

I don't think she'll understand what it's like until she has children herself. I'd drop her for her response but not before giving her a piece of my mind first.

[pipnchops]

YANBU your friend needs to be more understanding, yes perhaps you'd make the effort if it was something you really wanted to go to but after the way she's handled you saying you can't go, I can understand why you don't want to make the effort for someone like that.

[Doradays]

@PablosHoney

What does friend mean by ‘take our circumstances into consideration’

She means that they don't have children and don't need to arrange things around someone else who does.

[Doradays]

@Babs709

Assuming you had your baby at the end of March OP.... also assuming you haven’t had many reasons to go anywhere since, let alone long journeys. Take baby steps building up your confidence travelling with your LO (no pun intended), it’s a big deal, breastfeeding logistics are hard, overtired babies are not fun, and none of this makes it a PFB thing 🤷🏼‍♀️ (IMO anyway!)

Yes exactly. We haven't done many journeys at all, hence why I'm allowing extra time.

[ddl1]

I think that many childless people don't fully understand the restrictions that parents, especially of young babies, can experience in their lives. Same goes for the situation of people who have to care for elderly or disabled relatives, or people who themselves have significant health problems. I don't think you are being U at all. BUT even if you were a bit U, this would not justify the sheer nastiness of her letter. 'Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.' Who says that to a friend, especially if you've made alternative suggestions? It's not as if you'd refused to help her out in a crisis; this is a party; and attending a party should not be seen as a duty. The only situation where such a response could be excused (and even then, not completely) would be if you'd accepted an invitation and then pulled out at the last minute without an adequate excuse. She's basically saying that she doesn't want to meet you for the sake of meeting you; she wants you to demonstrate to her and to others how much you are honouring her and her birthday. I will say: On one occasion where one of my own friends seemed hurt that I didn't travel to her (much more distant) birthday party, she was completely won over when I sent her a beautiful card and several carefully-chosen presents. You could try the same in this case if you really wish to appease her- but I'm not sure it's worth it for someone who sends such nasty messages and refuses to speak to her if she doesn't get her own way.

There is another factor in all this: How many people are attending? And where is it? If it's in England, parties are still frowned upon; and specifically, the rules only permit six people from different households for an outdoor meeting, and only two for an indoor meeting. If there's a 'local lockdown', the party may have to be suddenly cancelled; unless organized extremely carefully, the party may be banned anyway. Certainly, all of you going into the house, if it rains, won't be possible. Not very comfortable for you or your baby, if you have to stand outside in the pouring rain!

[ddl1]

I meant of course 'and refuses to speak to you if she doesn't get her own way'. Not to herself!

[Quarantino]

My in-laws live about 1.45 hours away. When we've gone we've stayed overnight and I've planned it according to the kids' routines which works out well - still fairly flexible but I know what is and isn't a good idea. The one time my dh said we could probably do it differently and pushed and pushed leaving until baby was overtired, I literally had an hour of non-stop screaming on the way home while trying to drive. It nearly broke me (and obviously this was when I was still getting max 4 hours of sleep at a time anyway). Kept thinking he must stop/fall asleep sometime but nope.

Not saying all babies are like that - mine only was for a few months and then his routine changed - but I doubt many people would want to risk that for someone who's being arsey in the first place.

TBF all things going as normal I wouldn't think about stopping during a 1.5 hr journey. But doing it twice in one day would not appeal to me in the slightest.

[WhatifIfeellikeacat]

She's basically saying that she doesn't want to meet you for the sake of meeting you; she wants you to demonstrate to her and to others how much you are honouring her and her birthday.

Absolutely agree with the above.

Not a caring/understanding friend.

[MitziK]

@Mummyshark2018

I do think you're not being very flexible. 3.30pm start sounds perfect. Baby naps on the way, then feed baby before you leave at normal 'bedtime' , put in pjs then let baby fall asleep in car on way home then transfer to bed?

Ultimately if you wanted to go and she was a good friend then you'd make it happen.

Great if you have a textbook baby/life.

My first would have been;

Baby naps on way, only waking at each traffic light and junction. Get there, I then sit in a corner with my tits out for the next two hours to try and keep her from crying, vaguely overhearing in the distance XP dispensing his expertise upon the subject of breastfeeding, the joys of natural birth which I cruelly deprived him of by consenting to a section rather than dying and vaccinations/Big Pharma/Conspiracies to stop children dying whilst glancing over occasionally to make sure I haven't become a Fallen Woman by partaking of animal flesh because a sausage roll is the only thing on offer that I could eat with one hand.

After three hours, I'm still obviously sober and they're all getting louder and more pissed, whilst largely ignoring me because they have no interest in babies and I probably smell vaguely of sour milk and baby sick. At about 7pm, baby winds up for the evening screeching. There's now a 10 foot exclusion zone around me because nobody wants Tinnitus. By about 7.30pm, he's embarrassed because I couldn't manage to keep the baby quiet and I finally get into the car with a feeling of relief. Baby then sleeps for the journey home, only waking and crying at every single traffic light and junction. I'm awake because the driver window is wide open due to the smell of mammary secretions making XP feel sick. And I'm leaking constantly because she's crying so frequently - my already sore nipples burn like they were bathed in acid.

Get back. As the car pulls to a halt, baby wakes up properly and shrieks for the next five hours, won't take a proper feed. I finally fall asleep around 4.30am for a whole hour.

XP then gets up for a cup of tea and a sandwich at 5.30am, puts the telly on at 6am and announces that we should go out more often as it's stupid to think that having a baby should disrupt our social life in any way. But by that point, the baby has been crying since he woke her up by making so much noise, so he doesn't hear my horrified response to the utter fucking hell that little trip out was for me.