Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Just ignore her. She invited you you chose not to accept.

She's 30, not an excited 5 year old with her 1st ever party.

And bollocks to anyone saying yabu not to want to make the trip with or without a baby.

[FrenchBoule]

First reply from @HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear nailed it.

Adult people can take “no” graciously. You’re friend despite turning 30 hasn’t grown up yet.

[Viviennemary]

I don't think a one and a half hour drive with a four month old is that big a deal. But if you think it's too much hassle then you have a right to refuse the invitation. As others have said better refusing than inventing a feeble excuse on the day. I don't think either of you is being unreasonable as such.

[SueEllenMishke]

I would have gone. 4 month old babies are really portable and have no concept of bed time.

[Crimblecrumble1990]

If it were a good friend, I would go. I don't see the travel time (even with stops) to be a big deal and I wouldn't even mind if it was just to pop in for an hour to wish her a happy birthday. It's only one long afternoon and it's not like I'm doing loads else with my days on maternity leave. Baby will be fine.

However, in your case it doesn't sound like you consider her a really good friend and her reply was rude.

[SRK16]

I think a lot of people who posted about how easy it would be to take a 4 month old had very easy babies. There is no way I would have considered it in your shoes- my baby HATED that car and screamed and cried hysterically after 20 min or so. He never slept in the car and just became hysterical so any journey took ages because of the amount of time we had to stop.
I also personally wouldn’t want to attend a mass gathering in the middle of a pandemic.
Any good friend would have just expressed their disappointment and moved on, not gone into a childish strop about it. Life is too short for this kind of drama, I wouldn’t bother reaching out if she can’t accept your reasons!

[Honeyroar]

It doesn’t sound like a good friendship- neither of you are putting yourself out an inch for the other one.

You clearly don’t want to go. Otherwise it would be quite doable to drive over and spend an hour there. You do sound a little PDB. But she’s been pretty rude in her reply. I’d certainly not be apologetic. It sounds like it’s time to let the friendship slide?

[Doradays]

@SRK16

I think a lot of people who posted about how easy it would be to take a 4 month old had very easy babies. There is no way I would have considered it in your shoes- my baby HATED that car and screamed and cried hysterically after 20 min or so. He never slept in the car and just became hysterical so any journey took ages because of the amount of time we had to stop.
I also personally wouldn’t want to attend a mass gathering in the middle of a pandemic.
Any good friend would have just expressed their disappointment and moved on, not gone into a childish strop about it. Life is too short for this kind of drama, I wouldn’t bother reaching out if she can’t accept your reasons!

I agree with all of this!! Thanks.

[TJ17]

I wouldn't reply and I'd happily never speak to her again. Self entitled spoilt brat IMO!

[RandomTree]

Are you in the UK? This isn't allowed anyway!

[2pinkginsplease]

She’s being unreasonable with her expectations.

I personally wouldn’t do a three hour round trip to see someone for an hour for their birthday and I don’t have a new baby, however my friends also wouldn’t expect me to do it!

[Doradays]

@Honeyroar

It doesn’t sound like a good friendship- neither of you are putting yourself out an inch for the other one.

You clearly don’t want to go. Otherwise it would be quite doable to drive over and spend an hour there. You do sound a little PDB. But she’s been pretty rude in her reply. I’d certainly not be apologetic. It sounds like it’s time to let the friendship slide?

I'm going to have to read about this PDB - never heard of it!!

[SueEllenMishke]

My baby was not easy. He never napped and was lactose intolerant and had silent reflux.

I still took him everywhere and would have definitely gone to a party like this - in fact we did many times.

Yeah it was hard at times but it was better than having no social life.

[Honeyroar]

Sorry typo! Pfb

[Babs709]

Baffled by a lot of these responses. You are invited to event; event doesn’t work for you; you decline. What’s the issue?! When did we move to a world where you have to go to every social event all the time? You don’t even need a legitimate reason not to go IMO... “not wanting to” is sufficient enough.

“But if she’s your friend you should make the effort”.... bullshit. Friendship works both ways and a birthday isn’t a reason to have the rest of the world revolve around you. Your presence shouldn’t make or break her birthday celebrations.

[Hugsgalore]

It sounds like you're making excuses not to go. If she was a good friend you would find a way to make it work. Friendship sounds like a no goer

[JellyfishandShells]

@Sidewinder30

Well, if your reason is that you can't hack a one and a half hour drive with a 4 month old for a 3.30pm start, then she's right to assume that you don't consider her worth the hassle. It's a big birthday. You allude to a dp - you could even go alone.

So, YABU and seriously precious.

Absolutely.

She may not understand that there is a difference between having a baby sitter for a couple of sleeping children at night and getting someone to look after young ones in the day - apart from issue of breastfeeding.

But how many stops do you think you will make in a short 1.5 hour journey ?! And you aren’t even making it on your own. As a reason, it sounds pretty feeble, tbh.

Her plans don’t suit you, so don’t go.

[HerNameWasEliza]

I may be wrong but my guess is that this is the last straw and that your friend has felt before that you don't want to make the effort and the friendship is a bit one-sided? I'd have gone with a 4-month old TBH and I would not feel the need to leave at 6:30. At that age I'd have stayed until I wanted as they are at their most portable after the first 3 months and before they start moving around a lot. Each to their own, of course, and you are not obligated to go but I think she is seeing past some excuses to the fact, as you admitted, that you don't want to go - and she's hurt by that. I think she should have just decided to either discuss calmly with you or start to distance from the friendship rather than send a stroppy text though.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

I wouldn't normally suggest this, but I honestly and truly think you should tell her to F* off!

She's being totally unreasonable.

Of course she is allowed to have her celebration at any time she chooses - but she should also realise that no everyone - and particularly not someone with a very small, breastfed baby - will be able to accommodate this. She is being horrible. Don't waste any guilt or distress on her.

Just text back "Righty-o" and leave it at that.

[Floralnomad]

You are both being unreasonable but frankly it doesn’t sound like a friendship that is going to last so it really doesn’t matter .

[sst1234]

Stops on 1.5 hours journey? Leaving at a reasonable time to get home? What is this some late night rave? And her reaction is OTT too. You both sound unreasonable.

[Doradays]

@HerNameWasEliza

I may be wrong but my guess is that this is the last straw and that your friend has felt before that you don't want to make the effort and the friendship is a bit one-sided? I'd have gone with a 4-month old TBH and I would not feel the need to leave at 6:30. At that age I'd have stayed until I wanted as they are at their most portable after the first 3 months and before they start moving around a lot. Each to their own, of course, and you are not obligated to go but I think she is seeing past some excuses to the fact, as you admitted, that you don't want to go - and she's hurt by that. I think she should have just decided to either discuss calmly with you or start to distance from the friendship rather than send a stroppy text though.

No this isn't a new thing for her. I've experienced a lot of this over the years.

Both me and hubby make a lot of effort, we always have. I think it's more a reaction to not getting her own way.

It's pretty exhausting being her friend sometimes. I don't mean to sound awful, but this isn't a new thing.

However most times I just give in.

[Doradays]

@marns

I don't think the OP sounds PFB at all. It sounds like she has a 4 month old baby who doesn't sleep well and has the potential to scream down the whole car journey/party since shes mention multiple times the baby doesn't sleep well when the host doesn't even want a baby there in the first place. I wouldn't be going in these circumstances either.

YES!! This!

[SmiledWithTheRisingSun]

Let her get on with it. She's a dick op. Y