Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

[Boomclaps]

@OneWomanOneDog

I drive 38 miles to see my best friend. We live in Devon. It takes about 75 minutes. She doesn’t drive. But she still gets on two trains a bus and walks 2 miles to come to my house.)

Do you do it with a 4 month old baby?

You and your best friend clearly both are willing to do the commute, happy days. Out of interest do either or both of you have children?

I drive 6 hours each way to see my best friend twice a year or so. I do maybe 4-8 to every 1 that she does because I don't have children, she does, and that's what's practical. It's not because she's telling me our friendship isn't worth her commute at all

She has DC, I’m pregnant. I Used to regularly do it with the baby who was between 5 & 22 months old that I provided foster care for. She didn’t have DC when I was fostering & I wasn’t caring when she had her DC.
But Where we live travel is par for the course. SIL’s nearest baby and toddler group is over 40 mins from her house for example, and her nearest supermarket is about the same. (Ours is nearer due to a new development) but places are still pretty spread out. So the culture of needing to travel is probably more common here.

I think the friend was a bit of a wanker in her response fwiw, but the point I was echoing, was the quoted post about How actually, you sometimes can’t get away with telling someone they aren’t important to you, without hurting them.

[vixxo]

YANBU. She is self absorbed, honestly nobody gives a shit about birthdays after the big 21st.

[theDudesmummy]

If you really wanted to go you could. You could leave the baby with your partner for a few hours, express before you go and take a breast pump. I went back to work, (8 hour days with half an hour commute each way, or long-distance travel some days), when my baby was three months old (and exclusively breast fed). I did not have any choice so had to do it. It can be done, with planning and organisation.

But, unless she was very old and very dear friend (which she probably is not if you have only been friends for two years) in your position I personally would not have wanted to go, I would rather have stayed at home with my baby! Choice between going to a party where everyone will be drinking and I could not drink, or spending as much time as possible with my baby....no contest for me....!

[corythatwas]

She's basically saying that she doesn't want to meet you for the sake of meeting you; she wants you to demonstrate to her and to others how much you are honouring her and her birthday.

That was the thought that occurred to me.

For the record, I am someone who did travel far longer distances with young children- if they howled they howled and no harm was done.

But that was because I had far better places to go to than it seems the OP has.

Also we were not in a pandemic and I was not going against government guidelines.

Also because we were not in a pandemic I had had far more opportunities to build up resilience (my own and the baby's).

And I knew that if things got difficult or I had to back out I would meet with understanding, not with strops.

OP, I would stand firm on this one.

[RoseTintedAtuin]

Have sympathy for both sides. It’s her party and she’s invited you as she wants you to be there but it is essentially an adult party and you have a young child which she doesn’t want to accommodate. That’s fair enough it’s her party but she should understand your priority is your baby. However it does sound like you don’t want to go and are not willing to put the effort in either so sounds like the friendship has ran it’s course. It’s not her being unreasonable but that’s just how it goes sometimes.

[Doradays]

@theDudesmummy

If you really wanted to go you could. You could leave the baby with your partner for a few hours, express before you go and take a breast pump. I went back to work, (8 hour days with half an hour commute each way, or long-distance travel some days), when my baby was three months old (and exclusively breast fed). I did not have any choice so had to do it. It can be done, with planning and organisation.

But, unless she was very old and very dear friend (which she probably is not if you have only been friends for two years) in your position I personally would not have wanted to go, I would rather have stayed at home with my baby! Choice between going to a party where everyone will be drinking and I could not drink, or spending as much time as possible with my baby....no contest for me....!

I've never, been away from my baby.
These aren't normal times are they.
Absolutely no way am I leaving her just to attend a garden party.
If that makes me a shit friend then I will own up to that.

[PuppyMonkey]

Would be quite funny if you DID make the effort to turn up and your baby screamed and cried four thee hours just as you warned she might thus completely ruining friend’s do.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

I can see why he's your ex MitziK

[Confusedismyname]

If it was a good friend I think you’d make it work, but she doesn’t sound like you have a good friendship, so I don’t blame you for not going.

Drop friends that are hard work. I’ve been there, it’s draining and much better once they’re out of your life.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"It's awkward now as she's not speaking to me and I'm not sure if I should make the first move."
No, you shouldn't.

And I think ddl1 is spot-on with
"She's basically saying that she doesn't want to meet you for the sake of meeting you; she wants you to demonstrate to her and to others how much you are honouring her and her birthday."
Move on, she's not a friend.

As an aside, few of these responses have taken into account that we're in the middle of a pandemic, social distancing, yadda yadda yadda. You said of the other invitees that "her other friends all live local to her". So they'll be able to just pop home and visit their own loo after a few drinks, yes? What would she be expecting you to do? Given that the current rules are you cannot go into other people's homes, what toilet facilities is she laying on outside her house for guest use? None, I'll bet.

My point is, she's an inconsiderate dick for asking non-locals in the first place. Would she seriously expect you to leave home at 2pm, travel, attend party for hours - and at no point require a toilet? I can't do that now, never mind at 4 months post-partum!

Be grateful she's not talking to you. Long may it last.

[Delatron]

Two years isn’t that long to establish a good friendship. Plus you’ve said she’s behaved like this ‘over the years’. So has she actually been a good friend at all for the two years you’ve known her?

A good friend would understand and not need loads of reasons and then stop talking to you. I do think if she was a really good friend you’d make the effort. Take the baby, show your face, put up with the journey etc. But I think she’s just not that good a friend and it may be time to distance yourself.

[uglyface]

I was never precious about leaving my baby with family when she was this age, however even I can see that you’d have to take an EBF baby with you. Mine would have screamed blue murder all afternoon out of overstimulation and overtiredness, crashed in the car on the way home and then not slept for the rest of the night once home.

I speak from experience; we tried this with many, many BBQs and realised that people didn’t thank us for bringing her!

[ButteryPuffin]

Covid is also a game changing factor here in needing a sitter. Not a good time for that or to be asking family who may be vulnerable.

[user1464279374]

It doesn't matter what other people's babies do it's what you're comfortable with and will be tolerable/enjoyable for you. Okay it's her 30th but most people haven't even been able to have parties the past few months (so many zoom 30ths!!). The fact that she gave that reply is so insanely immature and rude - I would definitely stop being invested in that friendship if that was the response. And FWIW I have a 4 month old and a toddler and while 1.5 hours would probably be fine there would definitely be screaming at some point both ways, and once there it would be non stop hard work keeping the kids in check.

[LizB62A]

You don't need to feel bad about not wanting to leave your baby - if you don't want to, just don't go.

[HeronLanyon]

Good lord op she is being absolutely selfish and thoughtless and downright nasty in the way she wrote to you.
On top of all of your completely reasonable reasons I can imagine what the r rate increasing at alarming rates you might just not want to go to a big garden party with people from all over?

[backseatcookers]

I hate the perception that childless people are selfish and stupid. Some people are dicks, regardless of whether or not the have a child. Having a child doesn't transform someone into not being a dick, just as not having a child doesn't automatically mean they are one. This situation seems like a case where you aren't close enough friends to have a reasonable conversation about it on either side, I think that's the issue rather than either of you being a parent or not.

[HeronLanyon]

Have I missed something ? This is a 4 month old baby born during/juste before lockdown and I can imagine op hasn’t been out and about with baby much at all. So everyone saying it’s nothing and why doesn’t she just go -I just don’t understand this.
New mum new baby lockdown.
Op I would feel exactly the same as you and your friend should understand. For god sakes she’s not a child !

[Quarantino]

MitziK that is almost exactly what happens!!
The witching hour screaming - had that with my first baby. 4 months would've been right in the middle of it so yeah, that would've ruined the party. It's not even as pleasant as normal baby crying. The red-faced SHRIEKING.

People you've been looking forward to seeing for months coming up to you with a head-tilt, saying a cursory hello and how lovely your baby is and we simply must catch up sometime, then going off to the bar never to be seen again while you try and juggle sick/muslins/infacol/breastpads/nappies wishing you could just put the baby down somewhere for 10 minutes but no, that will set them off.

Again, not in all cases. But not exactly unheard of.

[Time2change2]

The funny thing is- how your friend is being with no children and not having a clue- when you get to 3 kids and you read someone being precious about one baby you think it’s equally ridiculous!

[gamerchick]

@User87471643901065319

When you don't have kids it is really hard to understand why you can't just leave them, that they start to die if you're not around to bf
They start to die?

[ReginaaPhalange]

I've got a friend like this. To be honest id just cut my ties with her and enjoy this time with your baby.

If she can't handle you cancelling for a very valid reason, then screw her. Her loss.

Don't make anyone make you feel guilty for doing what is right for your family. You've explained your reasons and I understand that.

[PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks]

I agree with PP, it sounds like you can’t be bother to make the effort - the distance is clearly doable, 3:30 is a normal time for an adult afternoon party, she has said you could bring the baby.
Fair enough, you don’t have to go, but don’t blame your friend for being upset you can’t be bothered and pointing it out.

[walksonthebeach]

She sounds like a spoilt bitch. Leave her to it!

[backseatcookers]

@User87471643901065319

When you don't have kids it is really hard to understand why you can't just leave them, that they start to die if you're not around to bf

I don't have kids but I understand this statement is the epitome of hyperbole!