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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I was conned into my marriage?

529 replies

Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 02:27

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that Confused

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 01/08/2020 02:31

It does not sound like life will get any better. I think you have a decision to make here.

glasgow357 · 01/08/2020 02:32

Leave. Is it safe to do so?

RedHelenB · 01/08/2020 02:33

If you're not happy then leave. He wont change, that much is obvious.

GnomeDePlume · 01/08/2020 02:34

what the hell do I do now.

You dont have to stay in your marriage. You can start to make plans to leave.

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 02:44

I literally laughed when he pulled out the excuse about being bullied in high school. It sounds flimsy & at what stage does high school drama not fly in the adult world?

What would concern me is that he lack of care when you were sick - and in hospital! Did his vows “sickness & health” mean nothing? What if you got cancer ? That’s what I would be thinking about - he is ok when the going’s food, but if you fall ill don’t expect him to be there to help you through it.

He resents you for being “nice & kind” ? Off you trot mate.

Mintjulia · 01/08/2020 02:46

The claim not to be able to feel love is a catch all excuse for being selfish and disregarding your needs for ever.
Should you ever pull him up on anything, he’ll say ‘well, you know I’m not capable of feeling that.”
Ie, it’s not his fault, it’s yours for staying. No matter what he does or doesn’t do.
If you aren’t happy, leave now. Don’t waste any time.

Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 02:46

@glasgow357 It would be safe to leave.

I'm just stunned. He says that it's an effort to be nice to people and to be loving. It's made me seriously doubt everything. My whole relationship has basically been one big lie. Like a theatre production where the audience sees the man behind the mask and I'm left clueless until the end.

How do you recover from this? Sad

OP posts:
Foodiefoodieyemek · 01/08/2020 02:46

@vikingwife her DH said he was the bully not he was bullied!

Newbiehere123 · 01/08/2020 02:47

My friend just recently divorced her husband and he was something similar to your husband minus holding a full time job! She has a dc under 1 and things got worse since having the baby as she had a difficult birth needed emergency c-section and needed all the support she could get to take care of the newborn but her husband acted as if her wife being nearly bed bound was a inconvenience and was moaning about it while we were there. At first I thought he was upset my friend had a c-section and later it clicked to me that he didn't really care it was the fact that my friend was relying on him with the newborn or anything a postpartum mother would need that annoyed him. I spoke to my friend just today and she said she is happier since her ex is out of the picture and she regrets ever marrying him despite seeing all the redflags and believing he would change but no one would change. You are right to feel conned but don't blame yourself sometimes the picture becomes clearer once all that fairy dust settles. The picture has settled for you I think and you should make that decision to carry on or say enough I'm out of here.

Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 02:47

@vikingwife No no HE was the bully Shock

OP posts:
glasgow357 · 01/08/2020 02:51

I just going out my ex fiancé was a massive liar and leeks back all's ltd. You do get over it.

glasgow357 · 01/08/2020 02:52

And lied!

hammie46i · 01/08/2020 02:54

[quote Bereft89]@glasgow357 It would be safe to leave.

I'm just stunned. He says that it's an effort to be nice to people and to be loving. It's made me seriously doubt everything. My whole relationship has basically been one big lie. Like a theatre production where the audience sees the man behind the mask and I'm left clueless until the end.

How do you recover from this? Sad[/quote]
I don't believe you can recover from it. You didn't know who you were marrying.

I find his words quite chilling.

And I'm also concerned about his lack of care for you when you were ill.

I once had a partner who behaved the same (I was in hospital with pneumonia and he ignored me the entire time and showed no care or concern for my wellbeing.) I came to believe he was a sociopath

It's not normal to behave that way when a loved one is sick. You should be very worried about this.

Flowers009 · 01/08/2020 02:56

You don't know this man

Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 03:01

Thank you everyone for not judging me.
He went up to bed a while ago after our talk or whatever the hell that was - his confessional. He's peacefully sleeping now like he's got no worries. Where as I'm sat with tears rolling down my cheeks, feeling like a fucking loser.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 01/08/2020 03:07

Op, you aren’t a loser. You fell for a lie, that’s all.

Mummaofmytribe · 01/08/2020 03:07

How could anyone judge you? Huge sympathy, you must be so hurt and shocked. He's not just shown you, but TOLD you who he really is. I hope you have a supportive family or friend. I wouldn't be able to forgive that tirade. Good luck.

1forAll74 · 01/08/2020 03:10

You really can't be thinking that you were conned into a marriage. this is a strange thing to say. Presumably you must have thought your husband was who you seriously wanted to marry. It's a bit far down the line,after six years of marriage, to say that you have been conned after all these years. But I am aware, that some people can change personality wise, if they are not happy in a marriage.

cakeandchampagne · 01/08/2020 03:12

You’re not a “loser”.
But you are in a scary situation. And there is no excuse for the verbal abuse.
Get help & get out before things get worse.
Flowers

Monty27 · 01/08/2020 03:12

He needs to be left to his own devices.
Be happy OP but you're not going to get it there. In fact it'll probably get worse.

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 03:13

Oh I do apologise, must be so used to men making excuses have misread it Blush

Still stands though - ok so he bullied a kid at high school. Why is he referencing this? Did he learn nothing from high school? Is he insinuating he is still a bully ? I’m not sure what this excuse from high school days means.

A lot of kids are bullied/ are bullies - I’m sure a lot of people are privately embarrassed as adults that they bullied other kids. Any fully grown up person who uses shit from school era days as some type of excuse is deficient in something, I feel.

But 38 so wouldn’t really be keen to tolerate people using school issews at this age. Still not sure what his point was, unless it’s that he seemingly learnt nothing about how it’s not ok to bully people - he is using it as an excuse for his cold, mean behaviour.

Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 03:15

@1forAll74 How is it strange? He made out he was one person - very convincingly so and up until tonight told me he loved me. Now he hates me because I'm nice, he doesn't care if I get sick and he doesn't actually really love me because he's never loved anyone!

OP posts:
FlaskMaster · 01/08/2020 03:17

Get the hell out of there op, yesterday! He's a psychopath. There's no way this will go well.

Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 03:17

@vikingwife He said that he bullied the kid/teenager as a way of control. Whatever that means. He said he knows he's still mean now. So cool and calm about it. I was just gobsmacked.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 01/08/2020 03:20

He sounds a bit of a sociopath. I’m not an expert though.

What do you want to happen?

If he accepts his behaviour is ruining your marriage would he seek help?

Or is it too late? If so get yourself organised financially.

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